Fic: Prisoner of Love (14/?)
MASTERPOST / AO3
Chapter Summary: All of this, for just one kiss, wouldn't change it for the world.
- The Orchids, "A Kind of Eden"
Additional chapter warnings: Aftermath of a sexual assault: hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional instability, guilt, shame, nausea, etc. And a whole lot of blushing, like, A WHOLE LOT.
A/N: Here, help yourself to some much-needed fluff. Or sort of.
~:~:~
"Dean!"
Castiel sprang into a sitting position when he heard Dr. Balthazar shout Dean's name from outside his door. For a long moment, he heard nothing but a metal drawer being pulled and harshly pushed back. The form of Dr. Sebastian rushing back and forth could be seen through the wide window on the door. His heart thumped loudly in his chest.
Cas was deciding whether he should get off the bed and see for himself what went down, when the doctor and a prison guard came wheeling an unconscious Dean on a bed into the room. The officer deftly cuffed Dean's wrists to both sides of the bed railings.
"Is it okay if I leave him with you here tonight?" Dr. Sebastian turned to speak to Cas, who just froze in place at what he saw. "Please," the doctor continued when he received no response. "It's too much of a hassle to move him elsewhere. I really need a rest."
Castiel snapped his gaze to the doctor, thinking the poor physician looked essentially exhausted. "What happened to him?" he asked.
Balthazar subtly heaved a sigh. "He came to ask me to let him stay with you tonight. I declined. He gave himself an insulin shot." A surprised gasp slipped through Castiel's lips. The doctor quickly added, "He's fine now, though I should say it was quite a stunt he pulled. He could have died."
Balthazar suddenly bit the inside of his mouth as soon as he saw Castiel visibly shudder at the information. "He is fine now," he reaffirmed. "His blood sugar level has returned to normal and I have given him sedatives. He should be sound asleep through the night."
Cas kept his eyes fixed on Dean, didn't see it in himself to turn away. Dean remained stationary, though not at rest. Weariness seemed to outline his Adonis face, even when he was shut off from the world. Fascinated by its mystique, Castiel almost didn't catch what Dr. Sebastian was saying to him.
"Can I leave him with you tonight? As you can see, he is cuffed, so there's no need for you feel intimidated. But if you are not comfortable with it, I'll have to move him to another room."
"No!" Castiel cried abruptly, and then ducked his gaze away in embarrassment at his bluntness. "Please, don't," he mumbled.
"Thank you," Balthazar said with a nod. "You should get some rest, too. I'll come back to check on you and him in the morning."
Once the doctor and the officer were gone, Castiel checked to make sure that he was really alone, that the door was secure and there was no way anyone could enter the room. He tried to bar the door with a chair, as he had seen in movies, only to find the sight ludicrous. He then tried a cabinet. Sadly, one small push of it and the pain in his ribs almost knocked him breathless. In the end, he settled with his own bed, which he wheeled against the door and locked.
He had nowhere to sleep; getting back up his bed, lying next to the door with a glass window was exposed as exposed could be. Not that he could sleep anyway. Every time he closed his eyes, he felt as if someone was there, lurking, ready to jump out and attack him. The room was not dark, only dimmed, but it made him feel vulnerable, nonetheless.
So Castiel watched Dean sleep, something he had never really done. He almost always fell asleep before Dean did, and by the time he woke up, Dean was already there, greeting him with a bright smile and a warm kiss. Cas remembered those moments. He would just snuggle into Dean, wishing they could stay like that a little while longer, and sometimes groaning softly in protest when Dean tried to leave.
Dean looked feathery when he slept, as if he could float anywhere he wanted to. Cas trailed his probing gaze from Dean's tranquil countenance down to his heaving chest. When it reached the end of his arms where Dean was being restrained, Cas choked at how uncomfortable it must feel.
Castiel started fumbling around the room, opening and closing every drawer he could get his hands on. Finally he found what he was looking for, at his own chart by the end of his bed. With a help of the paper clip, Cas nimbly set Dean free from his confinement.
"Dean," he called. When there was no response, Castiel shook him one more time. "Dean, wake up."
Dean did not jump up. He didn't groan in annoyance. He didn't even flinch. "Dean!" Cas started to panic. Dr. Sebastian could be wrong. Dean might be dead. He tentatively placed his forefinger under Dean's nostrils, letting out a sigh of relief when he felt warm breath against his skin.
Cas maneuvered the bed until the side railings were out of the way. He climbed up on it and slotted his body over Dean's, placing his ear above Dean's heart like he used to. A steady thud-thud-thud rhythm echoed across the hollow of Dean's chest. The constant rise and fall of it was like rocking on a hammock in a balmy breeze. Slowly Castiel drifted off to the safety that was Dean's cloud cuckoo land.
~:~:~
When Dean woke up, it was to the feel of something heavy on his body. Instinctively, his hand grabbed the unidentified threat, but promptly loosened his grip when he felt the familiar soft strands of hair. He leisurely threaded his fingers through the locks, lifting his head up to get visual confirmation. Cas was sleeping soundly on his chest, his face bobbed up and down in sync with the rise and fall of his lungs, looking as serene as a gentle sea.
Dean gingerly ran his hand down the side of Cas' face, jagged stubble rough against his calloused palm. Cas stirred and slowly opened his eyes. He startled and sat up straight when he saw that Dean was watching him.
"Damn it, Dean," he cussed. "How many times I got to tell you? It's creepy."
"Says the one who has been sleeping on my chest," Dean quipped with a smirk.
Cas fiddled with the mattress, a pretty rosy tinge blushing his cheeks. "Is it morning already?" he asked, shyly avoiding looking at Dean.
Dean could hardly take his eyes off the lovely sight, casting only a quick glance around the room. "I don't know. Can't tell without natural light," he said with a shrug. "Why don't you get back to sleep while there's still time?" Dean persuaded, already missing the warmth of both of their huddled bodies. "You need to rest."
Cas simply watched while Dean shifted to make room for him, but then Cas turned his head back to his bed that was now parked across the door.
"That bed is too far away, Cas, and it's close to the door," Dean quickly added, almost whining, for fear that Cas would choose to go back to that bed instead of sharing his. When Cas turned back, Dean beckoned him towards the empty space. "Come on. I'll keep my hands to myself," Dean coaxed one more time, folding his hands neatly across his stomach as if to prove his point.
But Cas still didn't move. "Why did you do it?" he asked out of the blue. His voice was stern and rough, but his glare - that deadly glare - never failed to give Dean a chill every time it was directed at him.
"Do what?" Dean carefully asked. He really had no idea what Cas was talking about.
"Make yourself go into shock?" Cas' unexpected words left a foul taste in Dean's mouth. His azure eyes flashed when he repeated, "Why did you do it?"
Dean gulped a bitter lump down his throat. When Cas asked with such a stiff undertone, he demanded an answer. Still, Dean thought maybe he could beat around the bush. "Because there were monsters under my bed and you weren't there to chase them away?" he replied with the most pitiable look he could muster. He didn't see it coming, however, when suddenly Cas pounced at him.
"You stupid idiot!" Cas shouted, his fists pounding Dean's chest. Tears rolled down Cas' face as he groaned in agony, "You could have died!"
Dean quickly wrapped his arms firmly around the shaking mess, stopping the pummeling and, hopefully, the pain. "Cas, Cas," he shushed into the man's ear. "I didn't die, did I?"
"You didn't know that!" Cas sobbed, his voice breaking as he fought, in vain, against Dean's strong hold. "My parents have died on me. And my sister…" Cas gave up his struggles, falling into a heap in Dean's arms. His voice slowly died down to quiet sniffles. "Everyone I love died because of me. You can't do that to me, too. You just can't."
"I'm sorry." Dean's words of apology arose from his conscience. He only wanted to spend the night with Cas, never really stopped to think what his actions might ensue. Even though he was all too familiar with it - the guilt of feeling responsible for someone's death - Dean never really thought he could be the one causing it. And most definitely, he never really thought he could be the one falling into the same category as 'everyone Cas loved'.
"I won't do it again. I promise."
Pulling Cas slightly away, Dean's hands then moved to wipe the tears away with his thumbs. "Come on, now. Don't cry. You cried so much I can't see your pretty eyes anymore." Cas sniffed at Dean's words, clearly fighting back tears. "Let's do something with those puffy eyes of yours."
Forcing a tender smile for Cas, Dean hopped off the bed to fetch an instant cold pack from a cabinet, shaking it to activate while walking back. "Lie down," he said when he saw Cas was sitting still. Cas cautiously lay on his back and closed his eyes, his right hand reaching down to grip the bed railing tight.
The cold seeped through his hot eyelids as soon as Dean carefully placed the ice pack down. Cas inwardly hissed, but easily relaxed when he felt heat gradually evaporate from his swollen eyes. He didn't remember crying this much. The tears he shed in one day might as well be more than that he had been shedding all his life.
Then he felt Dean lie down next to him. The bed was meant for one, so even though Cas had lain as far to the edge as he possibly could, their shoulders still touched. Surprisingly enough, a gush of safe feelings ran through him and Cas soon found himself letting go of the cold metal railing and pressing closer to Dean. His vision still enshrouded in darkness.
"Did you jack the cuffs?" Cas heard Dean ask. He also heard the clank of metal objects, supposedly Dean poking the handcuffs Cas had left on the railing.
Cas nodded, which caused the ice pack to slip downwards. He nudged it back up. "Yes," he said.
"Well, I didn't teach you the trick for this," Dean said with what Cas knew was a half-smile in his voice, followed by another poke to the metal shackle. "But thank you."
A proud smile broke across Castiel's face. It faltered, however, when he heard Dean call his name.
"There's something I think I need to come clean with you," Dean said, and Cas' heart sped up, thinking of a hundred different things Dean would say to reject him, to tell him that Dean didn't need him anymore, that Dean never wanted him in the first place.
"I know about your nightmares."
Cas' frantic thoughts came to a screeching halt. That much he knew. That much Dean knew he knew. What he wondered, though, was whether Dean knew he had been using Dean to stop them.
"I also know how to rid you of them."
Dean forced the rush of sickness down his throat. Of course, he knew how to help relieve Cas of his nightmares. It was a simple logic. Cas had them only on those nights Dean didn't go to bed with him. So Dean took advantage of Cas' affliction, touching Cas when he wasn't entitled to. He was no different than those men who had forced themselves on his cellmate.
"I'm sorry," Dean mumbled, surprised to hear how broken his voice was. Before long, Dean felt a trembling hand reached for his, entwining their fingers. Dean held on to it as if it was his lifeline.
When Dean turned to his side, Cas had already removed the cold pack. "You knew I used you," Cas asked. His cerulean eyes stared right back at Dean's. "And you still allowed for it to continue happening?"
"Yes, no!" Dean gave a reply, then changed it the instant he felt Cas pull his hand away. Dean was quick enough to tighten his grip and not let go of it. "That's not what I mean. Let me finish."
Dean got up, covering the back of Cas' hand with his other free hand. He could see Cas looked everywhere but at him. "Do you remember those nights that we fought and you drove me out of your bed?" Dean asked softly, waiting for a reply that never came. So he went on, "Do you remember having nightmares on those nights?"
Cas turned his gaze back at Dean, bewildered. He reluctantly shook his head.
Dean nodded with a sad, tiny smile. "You did. I was there to calm you down before it escalated."
Another simple logic. Cas no longer needed to proposition him to avert those nightmares, a fact Dean'd rather keep to himself and keep exploiting the blue-eyed angel if he could. But he couldn't do that anymore. Cas should have his choice. A beneficial knowledge considering Cas had recently fallen victim to such a horrible sexual crime. And even if it meant Cas chose never to have sex with him again, Dean would man up and accept the fate.
"Is that why you are here, now, so that I don't dream?" Cas asked with a furrow on his forehead, so Dean decided to lighten things up a bit.
"That," he replied with a playful raise of his eyebrows, "And the monsters"
Cas chuckled, his free hand tugging at Dean's top to get Dean to lie back down. A smile still graced his face as he contemplated what wonderful news that was. As long as Dean was with him, he didn't have to face those nightmares again.
Once Dean settled next to him, Cas bent over; the unexpected pang in his chest elicited an audible gasp. He ignored it and whispered into Dean's ear with a grin, "You are my savior."
Dean cleared his throat in an attempt to hide the deep flush on his face. "Lie back," he told Cas, though his voice was still gruff. "You're hurting yourself."
Not so eagerly, Cas complied, lying fully on his back. It was Dean's turn to shift. He rested his head on the pillow, touching his forehead to Cas' left temple, their fingers still interweaving between their bodies. Closing his eyes, breathing deep in relief, Dean asked, "What do you dream of?"
Cas rested his head back against Dean's, contented. "My sister, mostly," he confided. "My parents and their death, but it mostly centers on my sister."
So that was why Cas always called her name in his sleep. Dean's mind drifted back to the crime photos Sam had shown him, to the stories Sam told of Cas' sister. "Why don't you ask her to visit you? You never have a visitor." Dean fished, knowing full well Anna could not make a trip if she wanted to.
"She doesn't know I'm here," Cas replied, and this time Dean could not tell if it was a truth or a lie. "She always looks up to me. I can't let her down."
And Dean hated himself more if he could. He could hardly get Cas to speak about his family, and it had become second nature for Dean to prod for information; something he'd need to break the habit of soon. Some topics were difficult for some people to discuss. In Cas' case it was his family, and understandably so.
Dean placed a soft kiss to Cas' temple, by way of an apology. "Get back to sleep," he whispered.
Dean found himself slowly dozing off, something not usual. But Cas was safe next to him, and the mattress was comfortable, and for once the room didn't smell like a God-forsaken dungeon. The artificial lighting was dimmed in a way that lured its residents to slumber-
"What if I can't have sex with you again?"
Cas' sudden question jolted Dean out of his stupor. He tried to shake the drowsiness away but it still took a moment for the words to sink in and a moment more for Dean to realize what laid beneath them.
"Then I'll go celibate for you," Dean joked lightly, attempting to clear away Cas' worry with an amused chuckle.
But of course Cas would have none of it. "Dean," he said sharply. "I'm serious."
"We'll talk about that later, okay? Now it's time for you to rest," Dean slurred as he went back to shut his eyes and snuggle closer to Cas.
Dean's breathing was warm and steady next to his ear, but Cas couldn't get his mind to rest. Things were so different now. He used to feel safe and loved but now he wasn't even sure how he would react if Dean inched a fraction closer. Or how long this trauma was going to last.
"You should leave me," Cas mumbled. If he couldn't satisfy Dean sexually, then Dean should leave him for someone else.
That got Dean fully awake. "Cas, look at me." He propped up, forcing Cas to look straight in his eyes. "You know I'm not leaving you just because you can't have sex with me, right?" When Cas did not answer, he repeated, "Right?"
Sometimes Dean's irises were rich green, Cas learned, as they were now. Or was it the mind behind those orbs that was bountiful? Suddenly Cas understood, because what else had Dean been doing but not having sex with him?
"You don't want me," Cas mumbled to himself. All Dean did was give in to Cas' desires; never once asked or demanded anything of him, never so much as fancied a single touch.
Dean's head flopped onto the pillow. His groan was full of frustration high enough to reach the moon. "How can you be so wrong?" he cried. If Cas had known all the things Dean wanted to do to him, he might be the one wanting to leave.
"You do… want me?" Cas asked tentatively, as if he was scared to hear the answer.
"You have no idea."
"Then why didn't you take me?"
Dean sat up, staring at Cas in earnest. "Seriously, Cas, are you sure you want to have this conversation right now?"
"Please"
"Alright, fine," Dean said in defeat. He rubbed his face hard while raking through his brain for the right words, or at least ones that were not too embarrassing. "I, uh, I wanted to do it right," he blurted. "Butt sex is a tricky business, Cas. It could be very unpleasant if not done properly."
They didn't have proper supplies. And was it wrong for him to want Cas' first time to be somewhat memorable? Dean was counting on his escape plan and his dreams of making love on clean sheets in a warmly lit room. He belatedly realized how stupid he had been, now that Lucifer had ruined everything, Cas' first time and all.
"I'm so sorry."
Those words felt like rock salt on Dean's lips. Jagged and stony, a little roll could cut the soft tissue and make it bleed, leaving sickening taste in his mouth. He might not be able to hide the quaver in his voice, but he was fighting hard to hold back tears. When Dean felt Cas take his hand and engulf it, however, a traitorous teardrop rolled down his cheek.
"It's not your fault, Dean," Cas said firmly.
But Dean knew it was. If he hadn't been so selfish, he would have let Cas go when he had the chance. Dean was bad luck. People around him, they get hurt.
"If anything, I should apologize to you."
Dean was staggered. "What for?" he asked with a frown.
"For being weak," Cas murmured, his hands were shaking against Dean's, as was his voice. "And naïve, and for bringing you trouble."
"Cas, stop. Say no more." Dean had to close his eyes and forced down the painful lump in his chest. He covered Cas' hands firmly to stop the quaking, both in Cas' hands and his. "None of this is your fault. You do know that, right?"
"Nor is it yours."
"Alright, fine." Dean caved in. "We have said our apologies. Now that's enough of it. We move on."
And even though both of them were well aware that they would never forgive themselves, they made a deal. Mostly to fool each other that as long as they didn't apologize for it, they no longer thought it was their fault.
Cas gave out his pinky, drawing a snort from Dean and a roll of his eyes. Dean eventually hooked his pinky with Cas', who thrust his thumb forward, to touch with Dean's thumb.
"What are you, five?" Dean grumbled, obviously trying to hide an embarrassing pleased look on his face. Cas just smiled and tugged Dean to lie back down. When Dean did, Cas nestled close to him, stifling the grunts of pain from his body. Once Cas found a position that did not hurt too much, he draped his arm over Dean's torso. Dean laced their fingers together.
"Dean," Cas slurred next to Dean's ear, feeling very comfortable when Dean's fingers traced soothing circles on the back of his hand. "What does it feel like, having sex with another man?"
Dean mulled it over, thinking of different encounters he had had with faceless men, if he remembered it at all. "It feels like sex?" at last, Dean replied with a nonchalant shrug. "That's what you get with casual hook-ups, Cas. All you care about is your orgasm, or sometimes your partner's orgasm too, and how you get there."
Dean gulped down the surge of embarrassment at the words he let past his lips, or maybe at the lifestyle he previously chose for himself. "But having sex with someone you love is entirely different," he went on. "When you are in love with someone, you'll understand what I mean."
'When you are in love with someone,' Cas repeated wistfully in his mind. Dean used a conditional sentence. Either he didn't know Cas was already in love with him, or he didn't want to accept the fact.
"Can I touch you?" Cas asked quietly. He was afraid of the answer, naturally, when the real question he wanted to ask was 'Am I allowed to love you?'
Dean turned to face him and Cas had to duck his head to avoid Dean's gaze, but Dean lifted his head up by the chin. Cas had no choice but to look into Dean's unwavering eyes.
"Cas, you have to know by now that I'm yours, right? All of me. You are free to do with me anything you please."
Cas felt his cheeks heated in what he knew was a furious flush; his fingers tightened where it interlaced with Dean's. As soon as Dean let go of his chin, he hid his face over Dean's shoulder. A surge of lust coursed through his body, but it dispersed as fast as it hit.
"You didn't swallow."
Cas merely breathed down the crook of Dean's neck, his voice almost inaudible, but Dean wasn't going to push it by asking Cas to repeat the sentence. Dean knew what he heard. He just never thought it would trouble the other man.
"I'm not a big fan of swallowing," Dean bashfully admitted. Since they were doing the open-hearted talk, they might as well see it through the end. "There was this one time a man ejaculated in my mouth, and it wasn't very pleasant, and I kind of avoid it since." Dean felt Cas loosen the death grip of his fingers, so he continued, "But I'll try anything for you. Maybe next time?"
And Cas might have regretted bringing it up. They should have had this conversation ages ago, not now, when nothing longer mattered. There might never be a next time.
"Cas, come on." Dean tugged lightly at Cas' hand when he saw a troubled furrow on the other man's forehead. "What's on your mind?"
"I may have diseases." Incurable diseases, among other things
"You don't know that," Dean retorted just as quick, though deeply he was as scared as Cas was, maybe more. "How about this? I'll ask Dr. Sebastian to give myself a test, too. We should have our results back at about the same time." Dean didn't know why he said that. He hadn't had any sexual relations since being incarcerated, until Cas, but he figured it wouldn't hurt. "And when we are all cleared, we'll start over. Us"
Cas raised his gaze up with a frown. "Why?"
"You know," Dean replied with a blush he denied acknowledging. "We'll start out like any other couple." Not starting with Dean trying to sexually assault Cas the first night he was locked up. "I meet this handsome guy who has the most gorgeous blue eyes and the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I walk up to him and work my irresistible charm."
Cas still held that doubtful frown on his brows, but there was a curious gleam in his eyes. "How is that exactly?" he asked.
"A little sway of my hips," Dean purred with a grin and Cas thought that smile alone could weaken any walking thing in the knees. "And then I say, 'Hey there, beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?'"
Cas couldn't help but burst out laughing. "So that's your pick up line?"
Finally Dean could see a full smile on Cas' face. The precious smile was definitely worth embarrassing himself for. "Works every time," he shot back with a wink.
"Not with me"
Dean's confident grin faltered as Cas gave his reply. Well, two things Cas knew were for certain. First, he wasn't gay and second, he didn't care so much for a drink. He would walk away before Dean could even finish his sentence, as charming as he was.
Cas snuggled back into Dean, letting out a small sigh. He was glad he and Dean didn't meet that way.
"I don't want to change a thing."
Dean gasped in shock.
Even after all the wicked things that had happened, all the misfortunes Dean had bestowed on him, Cas still insisted he didn't want to change a thing?
Hearing no reply, Castiel looked up to see the confusion that was still palpable on Dean's face. He gave an amused smile, then shifted to purr next to Dean's ear, "How else would I know how good you are in bed?"
A shiver rippled over Dean. "God, you're killing me!" He groaned, both hands covering his face.
Cas gave a satisfied chuckle. "Close your eyes," he said.
Dean squinted sideways at his bunkmate, but then closed his eyes, his arms resting by his sides. He felt Cas move. Small grunts of pain escaped through those lips and Dean had to sneak a peek to see if Cas was alright.
Cas was in a sitting position and Dean quickly shut his eyes before Cas could catch him. He then startled when Cas slithered his fingers under the hem of his top. As Dean felt light touches grazing, quivering over his toned abs, it was almost impossible to strangle even the softest whimper. The first time Cas truly touched him - flesh against flesh - and Dean didn't want the sound to scare Cas away.
Dean knew what it meant. What he was deprived of in sight, he perceived with his heart. Cas was taking the initiative: a small, first step that could lead to something deep and intimate. But they didn't go any further. Cas moved again. This time, full lips pressed over his, lingering but unmoving. Dean had to hold his breath to quiet down the blood-pumping organ that threatened to jump up and out of his throat.
He exhaled long and hard when Cas finally settled back next to him. Dean realized, much to his delight, that it felt very much like his very first kiss, when he was twelve. Dean was still willing the erratic thumps in his chest away when he heard a steady breathing next to his ear. Cas was fast asleep. Dean turned to peck the side of his face, cradling Cas' hand over his chest. A blissful smile that was foreign to him, adorned his lips.
Maybe Cas was right, after all. Maybe everything went down for good reasons. Dean knew for a fact that if Lucifer didn't happen, it could be years before he could say the L-word, if at all. As much as he was afraid of forming a relationship, it was in the most hideous moment that Dean realized he was more frightened of losing Cas. In a way, Dean felt like his life was on rewind, meaning Dean said 'I do' even before he could make Cas fall in love with him, but now that the finish line was crossed, nothing else along the way mattered. Come what may, Dean was confident he and Cas could fend off any blows, hand in hand.
Soon Dean followed Cas in his sleep. He chose to ignore the fact that, all this time, Cas kept his hips a safe distance away from touching Dean's.
~:~:~
Dean and Cas woke up not to a very pleasant alarm. The usual morning blare that they were familiar with was not in use in the infirmary, but the loud bangs on the door caused by none other than the sexy doctor was in no way any more pleasing to the ears.
Dean was fully awake in an instant, as was his instinct. Cas, on the other hand, grumbled next to him. He was still drowsy with sleep, palms crunching his eyelids in annoyance, his hair in the messiest and sexiest state of bed head.
"Morning, gorgeous" Dean ignored the blond doctor in favor of his grumpy bedmate. Sometime in the middle of the night, Cas had lain fully on his back while Dean curled up next to him.
Cas blinked. He tried to remember where he was and when he turned to see the familiar freckled face, he conjured a small smile. "Hey," he greeted softly, his voice was still rough with sleep. He surprised Dean with a peck on the lips. Dean returned his smile after the initial shock had passed.
"Dean!" Balthazar shouted through the door. "Get your ass up and open the door or I'll call security!"
Dean's eyes loitered a bit longer on Cas' face, neither unwilling to break apart. "Let's do something about that noisy doctor, shall we?" he finally said, but he didn't get up until Cas gave a reluctant consent.
"I so don't want to know what happened in here," Balthazar exclaimed as soon as he stepped in the messed-up room. The pieces of furniture were not where they should be, and apparently Dean wasn't cuffed as the doctor had left him.
Balthazar had to whip around to realize that Cas wasn't even on his own bed. He turned twice more to finally locate Castiel's chart that had been tossed on the floor, only God knew why.
"You know you are plummeting down the list of my favorite patients real fast," Balthazar groused to Castiel with a sigh. "How are you feeling?"
"Never better," Castiel replied timidly. The hint of happiness on his face softened the physician's displeased demeanor. "Thank you, Doctor."
Balthazar nodded his acknowledgement. "I'm going to need to check your injuries."
Castiel let the doctor do his job. When he was done, Balthazar turned to Dean, who climbed up next to Cas when he was told to lie down, earning himself a smack and a stern order to wheel the other bed back in place. Dean followed with a grunt. Once he got on it, his finger got pricked to check the blood sugar level. When they got the result, Dr. Sebastian gave a satisfying nod.
"You got yourself a treat to a special breakfast, Dean. Be grateful."
Dean almost drooled at Dr. Sebastian's words. He had no idea what that 'special breakfast' was, but anything was definitely better than the usual canteen food, even if it came out of the same kitchen.
"After that, you'll be discharged. There won't be a next time," Balthazar warned with a glower. "And you owe me one; add that to the other three hundred and fifty two favors you already owe me."
"It'll come in handy," Dean got back with a wink.
"Doc, wait!" Cas called before the doctor could leave the room. "Can I be discharged today, too?"
"No!" Dean cut in. "You'll be more comfortable here," he explained when two pairs of eyes trained on him. He wished Cas didn't say it or that Dr. Balthazar would keep Cas here as long as he could. Once discharged, it was either being susceptible to potential threats from hundreds other inmates, or facing solitary confinement.
"Please," Cas turned to beg the doctor, deliberately ignoring Dean. "I don't want to be alone."
Balthazar's eyes swiveled from one man to the other. He understood where Castiel was coming from, as well as Dean's concern, but he couldn't let Dean spend another night here even if he wanted to. Maybe he could let Cas go before bedtime, and call him back in the morning.
"I'll see what I can do."
~:~:~
Dean was surprised to find that his breakfast consisted of a stack of pancakes, a bottle of syrup, a fat banana and fruit juice. He wasn't discreet at all, giving out a hearty laugh when he saw what Castiel's food was.
They were sitting facing each other on Castiel's bed with their food trays in between. Cas openly grimaced while he fork-stabbed the pureed excuse of a breakfast. His food was everything pureed: fruits, cooked cereals, muffins, even pureed scrambled eggs.
"Come on, Cas" Dean was still wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes. "It's not that bad."
Cas glared daggers at Dean. He wondered if Dean would still say 'it wasn't that bad' if Cas pureed his pancakes too.
"C'mere, I'll change with you." Dean then made a quick change of their trays, putting his designated meal in front of Cas, who was already salivating at the hotcake delight.
Dean took a forkful of egg into his mouth and winced. "Who the hell purees an egg that was already scrambled?" Dean squawked.
Castiel chuckled as he cut a piece of pancake and smothered it with syrup. He forked the piece and handed it to Dean. Dean reached for the fork, but Cas pulled it away.
"Really, Cas?"
Cas just smiled back at him and offered the food again. Dean had to take a deep breath because he desperately hoped in doing so it would lessen the shade of red on his cheeks. Then he bent over and took the food into his mouth, straight from the fork.
Cas felt his fingers go weak. The intense heat on his face suggested it mirror Dean's ruddy cheeks. He took a small bite of the cake just so he could avoid looking at Dean. Once the food reached his stomach, he kind of knew their foods were different for a reason.
"I can't eat," Cas declared, pushing the tray back to Dean.
"Come on," Dean said, getting up to return the food trays to their rightful owners. He spooned a small scope of pureed peach. "Try a little something else. For me, please?"
Cas simply looked away. "I'm going to be sick," he declined. Throwing up in front of Gabriel was bad enough. He didn't want to do that in front of Dean, too.
"Try it first," Dean insisted. "If you barf, you barf. I don't mind." Even if he did mind, he wouldn't be a dick about it. He had practically raised his little brother. Nursing and cleaning pukes came with the package.
"No," Cas refused, loud and clear.
"Now that's offensive." Dean's remark must have come to Cas as a surprise, for he at once snapped his gaze back at Dean, who found the response amusing. He had seen Cas' everything. Hell, they even shared a tiny cell with a toilet bowl in it. Still, it didn't stop Cas from being self-conscious.
"What kind of a man would I be," Dean teased, "if I only take the 'for better' and not the 'or worse'?"
It was fascinating how Cas gradually turned pink on his cheeks and how it spread to his neck and ears. By the time every patch of his skin turned rosy, the high of his cheeks were as radiant as fully ripe tomatoes. Dean would kiss and taste the sweetness of it if he could.
Cas quickly took the pureed fruit into his mouth. Then he glared at Dean to get back to his seat. Dean complied with a smirk, then began wolfing down his pancakes. The peach didn't feel too bad, but it didn't feel too good either, so Cas tried drinking his milk instead.
Dean realized this was the first time they ever had breakfast together, or a proper meal that was not sneak-in food, for that matter. How ironic it was that the most catastrophic incident of all had brought about various breakthroughs in their relationship. Years from now, Dean would think back to this morning and make fun of how their first meal together consisted of Cas picking which puree made him feel the least nauseous.
Then Cas got out of bed, leaving Dean watching his moves, worried, for a good while. When he came back, Cas had a juice box in his hands.
"Chuck gave me this," he said, placing it down on Dean's tray. He stared at it a moment longer before he continued, "He also told me about his visions."
Dean gawked. It was the one thing Dean never thought of telling Cas, and he assumed neither did Chuck. Apparently he was wrong - so, so wrong. Now he was at a loss for how to explain the whole situation.
"Promise me you won't avenge me," Cas blurted.
"What?" Dean squeaked. "No, I can't do that."
"Dean, please." Cas let out a tired sigh. "You're going to get people hurt."
"That's kind of the point," Dean retorted, barely able to control his anger. "They hurt you, Cas. Do you really think I will let them slide?"
"I didn't ask you to let it slide." Cas tried to reason with Dean. "I'm saying there are other ways to handle it."
"Yeah? Like what?" Dean said with a scoff.
"I'm filing a lawsuit." Cas revealed. Yesterday he had agreed to have forensic evidence collected. It was not an easy process. Castiel was glad that Dr. Sebastian let Gabe be with him the whole time. He hoped Dean would understand that he endured it - all of it - for him.
"A lawsuit? God, you could be Sam's bff." Dean huffed with a mocking roll of his eyes. "A lawsuit's not going to do shit!" Dean barked.
"It's your violence that is not going to do shit!" Cas came back just as loudly. "It will only bring more victims and violence, and the underlying problem unaddressed or not even recognized!"
"It doesn't work like that here, Cas!" Dean refused to back down. "If I don't do anything, they will take me for granted and you will be targeted again!"
"I can't shoulder any more deaths!"
That shut Dean up. Silence fell long and heavy in the room. Dean was still seething but, at the same time, speechless as the new angle of things slowly dawned on him. Cas was trembling, subtly at first, until it became a full-on tremor. His voice was hoarse, almost inaudible, when he wheezed, "I just can't."
Dean got up to hold Cas close in his arms. "Fine," he said, kissing the side of Cas' head. "I won't do anything, but Lucifer is dead meat. I won't kill him, but he'll be as good as dead." When Cas went on to protest, Dean stopped him. "I won't take no for an answer."
It took a few moments, but Cas finally went pliant in Dean's arms. At least he had diverted the apocalypse. There would be no chaos, no destruction, nor death.
"And you stay close to me from now on," Dean commanded. "No more I-don't-know-you-I-don't-talk-to-you shit in front of other people. And I don't have to tell you that working in laundry is no longer an option, right?"
Cas nodded. He was also tired of keeping their distance in broad daylight. He knew for sure public displays of affection were out of the question, but he'd rather be by Dean's side than not.
"Thank you, Dean."
~:~:~
Dean hardly finished his pancakes when three officers came for him, bawling that Warden Crowley asked to see him, now. Dean stalled just because he could, telling Cas to finish the food then taking another big chunk of the cake and washing it down with his juice. When he got up, however, he was surprised to see that he was not only put in handcuffs, but also in leg cuffs with a chain linked between them.
"I'll be fine," he assured Cas when he saw the terrified look on the other guy's face, though deeply Dean doubted his own words. This was not a normal procedure in this place. "It's normal procedure," Dean said with a wink. The reassurance, he was not sure, was meant for Cas or for himself.
Cas ran up to them before they could leave the room. He gave Dean a firm squeeze on the hand that couldn't have lasted longer than two seconds, but that was all the confident Dean needed.
When Dean reached the warden's office, Crowley's toady self in a crisply pressed suit and the sneer that never left his face was already waiting for him.
"Winchester!" he greeted. The fake smile already gave Dean the heeby jeebies.
"Crowley," Dean exchanged his greeting.
"Warden Crowley"
Dean scoffed. "Whatever"
"Well, then," the warden feigned a sigh, rounding his desk to retrieve a file. "Looks like I'll have to add one more 'act in an offensive manner' to your list of offences."
"What offence?"
Crowley smirked, opening the file and not reading from it. "You have been disciplined too many times for your violent outbursts, Dean Winchester, but what I will not tolerate is violence against my people and my place."
"What the hell?" Dean cried blankly. He had no idea what kind of crap Crowley was pulling.
"Several inmates witnessed you threatened to kill our hard-working officers and, and I quote, 'your wife and your children and your fucking grandchildren!'" Crowley dramatically flipped the file close and tossed it back on his desk. He shoved both his hands in his pant pockets, eyeing Dean straight in the face, daring. "You also threatened to 'burn this place down'. Need I go on?"
"Go get Lucifer!" Dean lunged at the warden, but was yanked back by his shackles. Two officers locked him by his sides at once. "He was the one who raped another inmate in front of everyone!"
"Oh, Lucifer received his punishment alright." Crowley's disgusting lie made Dean lunge forward again, the sound of chains rattling echoing across the room. He knew for a fact that Lucifer put himself into the hole more as a protective custody. "We're here to discuss you, Squirrel."
Outraged, Dean tried to wrench free from the two officers, but it only made him end up a tangled mess within the chains, which got him even more frustrated. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Crowley seemed to be enjoying the sight far too much, so Dean stopped, huffing in the process.
"Fine. How long?"
Solitary confinement was no stranger to Dean. He might as well take the opportunity to finish off Lucifer, 'strike while the iron is hot' as the saying went. Cas would be safer when he was discharged from the infirmary.
Crowley raised one questioning eyebrow, then guffawed when he understood what Dean meant. "Oh, no, no, no, we're not talking the hotbox here," he refuted with an element of perverted glee. "You will be sent to the State Penitentiary, where they house Supermax."
Dean went pale with shock. The State Penitentiary was located in a different county. Not only it meant he would have to be in a super-maximum security prison, rarely see the light of day, literally; it also meant he would be separated, hundreds of miles away, from Cas.
"You can't do that," he sputtered, weakness shown in his voice.
"Oh, I can. And I did," Crowley leered with a too eager smile. "You'll be transferred this afternoon. Plenty of time to pack, Cupcake"
~:~:~
A/N: In case you're wondering how Dean got in here, it was partly explained in chapter eleven. More will be further explored in future chapters.
neanderthalbutt mentioned going back to read previous chapter(s). I personally think that might be a good idea, especially once things are revealed along the way (providing that you have nothing better to do, of course). There might be a few things you missed on your first read.
That said, any other question, uh, fire away?
Special thanks go to darkphoenix2345, Otex, SmokingJazz, aLoggedInReader, Angelpheonixwings14, EMSmith, Riceball-1989, ViosShadow, AssbuttInTheImpala, neanderthalbutt, PhayzonTech, weedom, samanddeanfan1, darkrose_9, shenova, Ariel (Kalli_Ravenne), cider_jelly, Mycolour, MatildaMavis, CassXDeano, and Keefer for leaving your reviews for the last chapter. Writing does not come to me naturally. If it weren't for you, I would have given up long time ago. :))
Chapter Summary: All of this, for just one kiss, wouldn't change it for the world.
- The Orchids, "A Kind of Eden"
Additional chapter warnings: Aftermath of a sexual assault: hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional instability, guilt, shame, nausea, etc. And a whole lot of blushing, like, A WHOLE LOT.
A/N: Here, help yourself to some much-needed fluff. Or sort of.
~:~:~
"Dean!"
Castiel sprang into a sitting position when he heard Dr. Balthazar shout Dean's name from outside his door. For a long moment, he heard nothing but a metal drawer being pulled and harshly pushed back. The form of Dr. Sebastian rushing back and forth could be seen through the wide window on the door. His heart thumped loudly in his chest.
Cas was deciding whether he should get off the bed and see for himself what went down, when the doctor and a prison guard came wheeling an unconscious Dean on a bed into the room. The officer deftly cuffed Dean's wrists to both sides of the bed railings.
"Is it okay if I leave him with you here tonight?" Dr. Sebastian turned to speak to Cas, who just froze in place at what he saw. "Please," the doctor continued when he received no response. "It's too much of a hassle to move him elsewhere. I really need a rest."
Castiel snapped his gaze to the doctor, thinking the poor physician looked essentially exhausted. "What happened to him?" he asked.
Balthazar subtly heaved a sigh. "He came to ask me to let him stay with you tonight. I declined. He gave himself an insulin shot." A surprised gasp slipped through Castiel's lips. The doctor quickly added, "He's fine now, though I should say it was quite a stunt he pulled. He could have died."
Balthazar suddenly bit the inside of his mouth as soon as he saw Castiel visibly shudder at the information. "He is fine now," he reaffirmed. "His blood sugar level has returned to normal and I have given him sedatives. He should be sound asleep through the night."
Cas kept his eyes fixed on Dean, didn't see it in himself to turn away. Dean remained stationary, though not at rest. Weariness seemed to outline his Adonis face, even when he was shut off from the world. Fascinated by its mystique, Castiel almost didn't catch what Dr. Sebastian was saying to him.
"Can I leave him with you tonight? As you can see, he is cuffed, so there's no need for you feel intimidated. But if you are not comfortable with it, I'll have to move him to another room."
"No!" Castiel cried abruptly, and then ducked his gaze away in embarrassment at his bluntness. "Please, don't," he mumbled.
"Thank you," Balthazar said with a nod. "You should get some rest, too. I'll come back to check on you and him in the morning."
Once the doctor and the officer were gone, Castiel checked to make sure that he was really alone, that the door was secure and there was no way anyone could enter the room. He tried to bar the door with a chair, as he had seen in movies, only to find the sight ludicrous. He then tried a cabinet. Sadly, one small push of it and the pain in his ribs almost knocked him breathless. In the end, he settled with his own bed, which he wheeled against the door and locked.
He had nowhere to sleep; getting back up his bed, lying next to the door with a glass window was exposed as exposed could be. Not that he could sleep anyway. Every time he closed his eyes, he felt as if someone was there, lurking, ready to jump out and attack him. The room was not dark, only dimmed, but it made him feel vulnerable, nonetheless.
So Castiel watched Dean sleep, something he had never really done. He almost always fell asleep before Dean did, and by the time he woke up, Dean was already there, greeting him with a bright smile and a warm kiss. Cas remembered those moments. He would just snuggle into Dean, wishing they could stay like that a little while longer, and sometimes groaning softly in protest when Dean tried to leave.
Dean looked feathery when he slept, as if he could float anywhere he wanted to. Cas trailed his probing gaze from Dean's tranquil countenance down to his heaving chest. When it reached the end of his arms where Dean was being restrained, Cas choked at how uncomfortable it must feel.
Castiel started fumbling around the room, opening and closing every drawer he could get his hands on. Finally he found what he was looking for, at his own chart by the end of his bed. With a help of the paper clip, Cas nimbly set Dean free from his confinement.
"Dean," he called. When there was no response, Castiel shook him one more time. "Dean, wake up."
Dean did not jump up. He didn't groan in annoyance. He didn't even flinch. "Dean!" Cas started to panic. Dr. Sebastian could be wrong. Dean might be dead. He tentatively placed his forefinger under Dean's nostrils, letting out a sigh of relief when he felt warm breath against his skin.
Cas maneuvered the bed until the side railings were out of the way. He climbed up on it and slotted his body over Dean's, placing his ear above Dean's heart like he used to. A steady thud-thud-thud rhythm echoed across the hollow of Dean's chest. The constant rise and fall of it was like rocking on a hammock in a balmy breeze. Slowly Castiel drifted off to the safety that was Dean's cloud cuckoo land.
~:~:~
When Dean woke up, it was to the feel of something heavy on his body. Instinctively, his hand grabbed the unidentified threat, but promptly loosened his grip when he felt the familiar soft strands of hair. He leisurely threaded his fingers through the locks, lifting his head up to get visual confirmation. Cas was sleeping soundly on his chest, his face bobbed up and down in sync with the rise and fall of his lungs, looking as serene as a gentle sea.
Dean gingerly ran his hand down the side of Cas' face, jagged stubble rough against his calloused palm. Cas stirred and slowly opened his eyes. He startled and sat up straight when he saw that Dean was watching him.
"Damn it, Dean," he cussed. "How many times I got to tell you? It's creepy."
"Says the one who has been sleeping on my chest," Dean quipped with a smirk.
Cas fiddled with the mattress, a pretty rosy tinge blushing his cheeks. "Is it morning already?" he asked, shyly avoiding looking at Dean.
Dean could hardly take his eyes off the lovely sight, casting only a quick glance around the room. "I don't know. Can't tell without natural light," he said with a shrug. "Why don't you get back to sleep while there's still time?" Dean persuaded, already missing the warmth of both of their huddled bodies. "You need to rest."
Cas simply watched while Dean shifted to make room for him, but then Cas turned his head back to his bed that was now parked across the door.
"That bed is too far away, Cas, and it's close to the door," Dean quickly added, almost whining, for fear that Cas would choose to go back to that bed instead of sharing his. When Cas turned back, Dean beckoned him towards the empty space. "Come on. I'll keep my hands to myself," Dean coaxed one more time, folding his hands neatly across his stomach as if to prove his point.
But Cas still didn't move. "Why did you do it?" he asked out of the blue. His voice was stern and rough, but his glare - that deadly glare - never failed to give Dean a chill every time it was directed at him.
"Do what?" Dean carefully asked. He really had no idea what Cas was talking about.
"Make yourself go into shock?" Cas' unexpected words left a foul taste in Dean's mouth. His azure eyes flashed when he repeated, "Why did you do it?"
Dean gulped a bitter lump down his throat. When Cas asked with such a stiff undertone, he demanded an answer. Still, Dean thought maybe he could beat around the bush. "Because there were monsters under my bed and you weren't there to chase them away?" he replied with the most pitiable look he could muster. He didn't see it coming, however, when suddenly Cas pounced at him.
"You stupid idiot!" Cas shouted, his fists pounding Dean's chest. Tears rolled down Cas' face as he groaned in agony, "You could have died!"
Dean quickly wrapped his arms firmly around the shaking mess, stopping the pummeling and, hopefully, the pain. "Cas, Cas," he shushed into the man's ear. "I didn't die, did I?"
"You didn't know that!" Cas sobbed, his voice breaking as he fought, in vain, against Dean's strong hold. "My parents have died on me. And my sister…" Cas gave up his struggles, falling into a heap in Dean's arms. His voice slowly died down to quiet sniffles. "Everyone I love died because of me. You can't do that to me, too. You just can't."
"I'm sorry." Dean's words of apology arose from his conscience. He only wanted to spend the night with Cas, never really stopped to think what his actions might ensue. Even though he was all too familiar with it - the guilt of feeling responsible for someone's death - Dean never really thought he could be the one causing it. And most definitely, he never really thought he could be the one falling into the same category as 'everyone Cas loved'.
"I won't do it again. I promise."
Pulling Cas slightly away, Dean's hands then moved to wipe the tears away with his thumbs. "Come on, now. Don't cry. You cried so much I can't see your pretty eyes anymore." Cas sniffed at Dean's words, clearly fighting back tears. "Let's do something with those puffy eyes of yours."
Forcing a tender smile for Cas, Dean hopped off the bed to fetch an instant cold pack from a cabinet, shaking it to activate while walking back. "Lie down," he said when he saw Cas was sitting still. Cas cautiously lay on his back and closed his eyes, his right hand reaching down to grip the bed railing tight.
The cold seeped through his hot eyelids as soon as Dean carefully placed the ice pack down. Cas inwardly hissed, but easily relaxed when he felt heat gradually evaporate from his swollen eyes. He didn't remember crying this much. The tears he shed in one day might as well be more than that he had been shedding all his life.
Then he felt Dean lie down next to him. The bed was meant for one, so even though Cas had lain as far to the edge as he possibly could, their shoulders still touched. Surprisingly enough, a gush of safe feelings ran through him and Cas soon found himself letting go of the cold metal railing and pressing closer to Dean. His vision still enshrouded in darkness.
"Did you jack the cuffs?" Cas heard Dean ask. He also heard the clank of metal objects, supposedly Dean poking the handcuffs Cas had left on the railing.
Cas nodded, which caused the ice pack to slip downwards. He nudged it back up. "Yes," he said.
"Well, I didn't teach you the trick for this," Dean said with what Cas knew was a half-smile in his voice, followed by another poke to the metal shackle. "But thank you."
A proud smile broke across Castiel's face. It faltered, however, when he heard Dean call his name.
"There's something I think I need to come clean with you," Dean said, and Cas' heart sped up, thinking of a hundred different things Dean would say to reject him, to tell him that Dean didn't need him anymore, that Dean never wanted him in the first place.
"I know about your nightmares."
Cas' frantic thoughts came to a screeching halt. That much he knew. That much Dean knew he knew. What he wondered, though, was whether Dean knew he had been using Dean to stop them.
"I also know how to rid you of them."
Dean forced the rush of sickness down his throat. Of course, he knew how to help relieve Cas of his nightmares. It was a simple logic. Cas had them only on those nights Dean didn't go to bed with him. So Dean took advantage of Cas' affliction, touching Cas when he wasn't entitled to. He was no different than those men who had forced themselves on his cellmate.
"I'm sorry," Dean mumbled, surprised to hear how broken his voice was. Before long, Dean felt a trembling hand reached for his, entwining their fingers. Dean held on to it as if it was his lifeline.
When Dean turned to his side, Cas had already removed the cold pack. "You knew I used you," Cas asked. His cerulean eyes stared right back at Dean's. "And you still allowed for it to continue happening?"
"Yes, no!" Dean gave a reply, then changed it the instant he felt Cas pull his hand away. Dean was quick enough to tighten his grip and not let go of it. "That's not what I mean. Let me finish."
Dean got up, covering the back of Cas' hand with his other free hand. He could see Cas looked everywhere but at him. "Do you remember those nights that we fought and you drove me out of your bed?" Dean asked softly, waiting for a reply that never came. So he went on, "Do you remember having nightmares on those nights?"
Cas turned his gaze back at Dean, bewildered. He reluctantly shook his head.
Dean nodded with a sad, tiny smile. "You did. I was there to calm you down before it escalated."
Another simple logic. Cas no longer needed to proposition him to avert those nightmares, a fact Dean'd rather keep to himself and keep exploiting the blue-eyed angel if he could. But he couldn't do that anymore. Cas should have his choice. A beneficial knowledge considering Cas had recently fallen victim to such a horrible sexual crime. And even if it meant Cas chose never to have sex with him again, Dean would man up and accept the fate.
"Is that why you are here, now, so that I don't dream?" Cas asked with a furrow on his forehead, so Dean decided to lighten things up a bit.
"That," he replied with a playful raise of his eyebrows, "And the monsters"
Cas chuckled, his free hand tugging at Dean's top to get Dean to lie back down. A smile still graced his face as he contemplated what wonderful news that was. As long as Dean was with him, he didn't have to face those nightmares again.
Once Dean settled next to him, Cas bent over; the unexpected pang in his chest elicited an audible gasp. He ignored it and whispered into Dean's ear with a grin, "You are my savior."
Dean cleared his throat in an attempt to hide the deep flush on his face. "Lie back," he told Cas, though his voice was still gruff. "You're hurting yourself."
Not so eagerly, Cas complied, lying fully on his back. It was Dean's turn to shift. He rested his head on the pillow, touching his forehead to Cas' left temple, their fingers still interweaving between their bodies. Closing his eyes, breathing deep in relief, Dean asked, "What do you dream of?"
Cas rested his head back against Dean's, contented. "My sister, mostly," he confided. "My parents and their death, but it mostly centers on my sister."
So that was why Cas always called her name in his sleep. Dean's mind drifted back to the crime photos Sam had shown him, to the stories Sam told of Cas' sister. "Why don't you ask her to visit you? You never have a visitor." Dean fished, knowing full well Anna could not make a trip if she wanted to.
"She doesn't know I'm here," Cas replied, and this time Dean could not tell if it was a truth or a lie. "She always looks up to me. I can't let her down."
And Dean hated himself more if he could. He could hardly get Cas to speak about his family, and it had become second nature for Dean to prod for information; something he'd need to break the habit of soon. Some topics were difficult for some people to discuss. In Cas' case it was his family, and understandably so.
Dean placed a soft kiss to Cas' temple, by way of an apology. "Get back to sleep," he whispered.
Dean found himself slowly dozing off, something not usual. But Cas was safe next to him, and the mattress was comfortable, and for once the room didn't smell like a God-forsaken dungeon. The artificial lighting was dimmed in a way that lured its residents to slumber-
"What if I can't have sex with you again?"
Cas' sudden question jolted Dean out of his stupor. He tried to shake the drowsiness away but it still took a moment for the words to sink in and a moment more for Dean to realize what laid beneath them.
"Then I'll go celibate for you," Dean joked lightly, attempting to clear away Cas' worry with an amused chuckle.
But of course Cas would have none of it. "Dean," he said sharply. "I'm serious."
"We'll talk about that later, okay? Now it's time for you to rest," Dean slurred as he went back to shut his eyes and snuggle closer to Cas.
Dean's breathing was warm and steady next to his ear, but Cas couldn't get his mind to rest. Things were so different now. He used to feel safe and loved but now he wasn't even sure how he would react if Dean inched a fraction closer. Or how long this trauma was going to last.
"You should leave me," Cas mumbled. If he couldn't satisfy Dean sexually, then Dean should leave him for someone else.
That got Dean fully awake. "Cas, look at me." He propped up, forcing Cas to look straight in his eyes. "You know I'm not leaving you just because you can't have sex with me, right?" When Cas did not answer, he repeated, "Right?"
Sometimes Dean's irises were rich green, Cas learned, as they were now. Or was it the mind behind those orbs that was bountiful? Suddenly Cas understood, because what else had Dean been doing but not having sex with him?
"You don't want me," Cas mumbled to himself. All Dean did was give in to Cas' desires; never once asked or demanded anything of him, never so much as fancied a single touch.
Dean's head flopped onto the pillow. His groan was full of frustration high enough to reach the moon. "How can you be so wrong?" he cried. If Cas had known all the things Dean wanted to do to him, he might be the one wanting to leave.
"You do… want me?" Cas asked tentatively, as if he was scared to hear the answer.
"You have no idea."
"Then why didn't you take me?"
Dean sat up, staring at Cas in earnest. "Seriously, Cas, are you sure you want to have this conversation right now?"
"Please"
"Alright, fine," Dean said in defeat. He rubbed his face hard while raking through his brain for the right words, or at least ones that were not too embarrassing. "I, uh, I wanted to do it right," he blurted. "Butt sex is a tricky business, Cas. It could be very unpleasant if not done properly."
They didn't have proper supplies. And was it wrong for him to want Cas' first time to be somewhat memorable? Dean was counting on his escape plan and his dreams of making love on clean sheets in a warmly lit room. He belatedly realized how stupid he had been, now that Lucifer had ruined everything, Cas' first time and all.
"I'm so sorry."
Those words felt like rock salt on Dean's lips. Jagged and stony, a little roll could cut the soft tissue and make it bleed, leaving sickening taste in his mouth. He might not be able to hide the quaver in his voice, but he was fighting hard to hold back tears. When Dean felt Cas take his hand and engulf it, however, a traitorous teardrop rolled down his cheek.
"It's not your fault, Dean," Cas said firmly.
But Dean knew it was. If he hadn't been so selfish, he would have let Cas go when he had the chance. Dean was bad luck. People around him, they get hurt.
"If anything, I should apologize to you."
Dean was staggered. "What for?" he asked with a frown.
"For being weak," Cas murmured, his hands were shaking against Dean's, as was his voice. "And naïve, and for bringing you trouble."
"Cas, stop. Say no more." Dean had to close his eyes and forced down the painful lump in his chest. He covered Cas' hands firmly to stop the quaking, both in Cas' hands and his. "None of this is your fault. You do know that, right?"
"Nor is it yours."
"Alright, fine." Dean caved in. "We have said our apologies. Now that's enough of it. We move on."
And even though both of them were well aware that they would never forgive themselves, they made a deal. Mostly to fool each other that as long as they didn't apologize for it, they no longer thought it was their fault.
Cas gave out his pinky, drawing a snort from Dean and a roll of his eyes. Dean eventually hooked his pinky with Cas', who thrust his thumb forward, to touch with Dean's thumb.
"What are you, five?" Dean grumbled, obviously trying to hide an embarrassing pleased look on his face. Cas just smiled and tugged Dean to lie back down. When Dean did, Cas nestled close to him, stifling the grunts of pain from his body. Once Cas found a position that did not hurt too much, he draped his arm over Dean's torso. Dean laced their fingers together.
"Dean," Cas slurred next to Dean's ear, feeling very comfortable when Dean's fingers traced soothing circles on the back of his hand. "What does it feel like, having sex with another man?"
Dean mulled it over, thinking of different encounters he had had with faceless men, if he remembered it at all. "It feels like sex?" at last, Dean replied with a nonchalant shrug. "That's what you get with casual hook-ups, Cas. All you care about is your orgasm, or sometimes your partner's orgasm too, and how you get there."
Dean gulped down the surge of embarrassment at the words he let past his lips, or maybe at the lifestyle he previously chose for himself. "But having sex with someone you love is entirely different," he went on. "When you are in love with someone, you'll understand what I mean."
'When you are in love with someone,' Cas repeated wistfully in his mind. Dean used a conditional sentence. Either he didn't know Cas was already in love with him, or he didn't want to accept the fact.
"Can I touch you?" Cas asked quietly. He was afraid of the answer, naturally, when the real question he wanted to ask was 'Am I allowed to love you?'
Dean turned to face him and Cas had to duck his head to avoid Dean's gaze, but Dean lifted his head up by the chin. Cas had no choice but to look into Dean's unwavering eyes.
"Cas, you have to know by now that I'm yours, right? All of me. You are free to do with me anything you please."
Cas felt his cheeks heated in what he knew was a furious flush; his fingers tightened where it interlaced with Dean's. As soon as Dean let go of his chin, he hid his face over Dean's shoulder. A surge of lust coursed through his body, but it dispersed as fast as it hit.
"You didn't swallow."
Cas merely breathed down the crook of Dean's neck, his voice almost inaudible, but Dean wasn't going to push it by asking Cas to repeat the sentence. Dean knew what he heard. He just never thought it would trouble the other man.
"I'm not a big fan of swallowing," Dean bashfully admitted. Since they were doing the open-hearted talk, they might as well see it through the end. "There was this one time a man ejaculated in my mouth, and it wasn't very pleasant, and I kind of avoid it since." Dean felt Cas loosen the death grip of his fingers, so he continued, "But I'll try anything for you. Maybe next time?"
And Cas might have regretted bringing it up. They should have had this conversation ages ago, not now, when nothing longer mattered. There might never be a next time.
"Cas, come on." Dean tugged lightly at Cas' hand when he saw a troubled furrow on the other man's forehead. "What's on your mind?"
"I may have diseases." Incurable diseases, among other things
"You don't know that," Dean retorted just as quick, though deeply he was as scared as Cas was, maybe more. "How about this? I'll ask Dr. Sebastian to give myself a test, too. We should have our results back at about the same time." Dean didn't know why he said that. He hadn't had any sexual relations since being incarcerated, until Cas, but he figured it wouldn't hurt. "And when we are all cleared, we'll start over. Us"
Cas raised his gaze up with a frown. "Why?"
"You know," Dean replied with a blush he denied acknowledging. "We'll start out like any other couple." Not starting with Dean trying to sexually assault Cas the first night he was locked up. "I meet this handsome guy who has the most gorgeous blue eyes and the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I walk up to him and work my irresistible charm."
Cas still held that doubtful frown on his brows, but there was a curious gleam in his eyes. "How is that exactly?" he asked.
"A little sway of my hips," Dean purred with a grin and Cas thought that smile alone could weaken any walking thing in the knees. "And then I say, 'Hey there, beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?'"
Cas couldn't help but burst out laughing. "So that's your pick up line?"
Finally Dean could see a full smile on Cas' face. The precious smile was definitely worth embarrassing himself for. "Works every time," he shot back with a wink.
"Not with me"
Dean's confident grin faltered as Cas gave his reply. Well, two things Cas knew were for certain. First, he wasn't gay and second, he didn't care so much for a drink. He would walk away before Dean could even finish his sentence, as charming as he was.
Cas snuggled back into Dean, letting out a small sigh. He was glad he and Dean didn't meet that way.
"I don't want to change a thing."
Dean gasped in shock.
Even after all the wicked things that had happened, all the misfortunes Dean had bestowed on him, Cas still insisted he didn't want to change a thing?
Hearing no reply, Castiel looked up to see the confusion that was still palpable on Dean's face. He gave an amused smile, then shifted to purr next to Dean's ear, "How else would I know how good you are in bed?"
A shiver rippled over Dean. "God, you're killing me!" He groaned, both hands covering his face.
Cas gave a satisfied chuckle. "Close your eyes," he said.
Dean squinted sideways at his bunkmate, but then closed his eyes, his arms resting by his sides. He felt Cas move. Small grunts of pain escaped through those lips and Dean had to sneak a peek to see if Cas was alright.
Cas was in a sitting position and Dean quickly shut his eyes before Cas could catch him. He then startled when Cas slithered his fingers under the hem of his top. As Dean felt light touches grazing, quivering over his toned abs, it was almost impossible to strangle even the softest whimper. The first time Cas truly touched him - flesh against flesh - and Dean didn't want the sound to scare Cas away.
Dean knew what it meant. What he was deprived of in sight, he perceived with his heart. Cas was taking the initiative: a small, first step that could lead to something deep and intimate. But they didn't go any further. Cas moved again. This time, full lips pressed over his, lingering but unmoving. Dean had to hold his breath to quiet down the blood-pumping organ that threatened to jump up and out of his throat.
He exhaled long and hard when Cas finally settled back next to him. Dean realized, much to his delight, that it felt very much like his very first kiss, when he was twelve. Dean was still willing the erratic thumps in his chest away when he heard a steady breathing next to his ear. Cas was fast asleep. Dean turned to peck the side of his face, cradling Cas' hand over his chest. A blissful smile that was foreign to him, adorned his lips.
Maybe Cas was right, after all. Maybe everything went down for good reasons. Dean knew for a fact that if Lucifer didn't happen, it could be years before he could say the L-word, if at all. As much as he was afraid of forming a relationship, it was in the most hideous moment that Dean realized he was more frightened of losing Cas. In a way, Dean felt like his life was on rewind, meaning Dean said 'I do' even before he could make Cas fall in love with him, but now that the finish line was crossed, nothing else along the way mattered. Come what may, Dean was confident he and Cas could fend off any blows, hand in hand.
Soon Dean followed Cas in his sleep. He chose to ignore the fact that, all this time, Cas kept his hips a safe distance away from touching Dean's.
~:~:~
Dean and Cas woke up not to a very pleasant alarm. The usual morning blare that they were familiar with was not in use in the infirmary, but the loud bangs on the door caused by none other than the sexy doctor was in no way any more pleasing to the ears.
Dean was fully awake in an instant, as was his instinct. Cas, on the other hand, grumbled next to him. He was still drowsy with sleep, palms crunching his eyelids in annoyance, his hair in the messiest and sexiest state of bed head.
"Morning, gorgeous" Dean ignored the blond doctor in favor of his grumpy bedmate. Sometime in the middle of the night, Cas had lain fully on his back while Dean curled up next to him.
Cas blinked. He tried to remember where he was and when he turned to see the familiar freckled face, he conjured a small smile. "Hey," he greeted softly, his voice was still rough with sleep. He surprised Dean with a peck on the lips. Dean returned his smile after the initial shock had passed.
"Dean!" Balthazar shouted through the door. "Get your ass up and open the door or I'll call security!"
Dean's eyes loitered a bit longer on Cas' face, neither unwilling to break apart. "Let's do something about that noisy doctor, shall we?" he finally said, but he didn't get up until Cas gave a reluctant consent.
"I so don't want to know what happened in here," Balthazar exclaimed as soon as he stepped in the messed-up room. The pieces of furniture were not where they should be, and apparently Dean wasn't cuffed as the doctor had left him.
Balthazar had to whip around to realize that Cas wasn't even on his own bed. He turned twice more to finally locate Castiel's chart that had been tossed on the floor, only God knew why.
"You know you are plummeting down the list of my favorite patients real fast," Balthazar groused to Castiel with a sigh. "How are you feeling?"
"Never better," Castiel replied timidly. The hint of happiness on his face softened the physician's displeased demeanor. "Thank you, Doctor."
Balthazar nodded his acknowledgement. "I'm going to need to check your injuries."
Castiel let the doctor do his job. When he was done, Balthazar turned to Dean, who climbed up next to Cas when he was told to lie down, earning himself a smack and a stern order to wheel the other bed back in place. Dean followed with a grunt. Once he got on it, his finger got pricked to check the blood sugar level. When they got the result, Dr. Sebastian gave a satisfying nod.
"You got yourself a treat to a special breakfast, Dean. Be grateful."
Dean almost drooled at Dr. Sebastian's words. He had no idea what that 'special breakfast' was, but anything was definitely better than the usual canteen food, even if it came out of the same kitchen.
"After that, you'll be discharged. There won't be a next time," Balthazar warned with a glower. "And you owe me one; add that to the other three hundred and fifty two favors you already owe me."
"It'll come in handy," Dean got back with a wink.
"Doc, wait!" Cas called before the doctor could leave the room. "Can I be discharged today, too?"
"No!" Dean cut in. "You'll be more comfortable here," he explained when two pairs of eyes trained on him. He wished Cas didn't say it or that Dr. Balthazar would keep Cas here as long as he could. Once discharged, it was either being susceptible to potential threats from hundreds other inmates, or facing solitary confinement.
"Please," Cas turned to beg the doctor, deliberately ignoring Dean. "I don't want to be alone."
Balthazar's eyes swiveled from one man to the other. He understood where Castiel was coming from, as well as Dean's concern, but he couldn't let Dean spend another night here even if he wanted to. Maybe he could let Cas go before bedtime, and call him back in the morning.
"I'll see what I can do."
~:~:~
Dean was surprised to find that his breakfast consisted of a stack of pancakes, a bottle of syrup, a fat banana and fruit juice. He wasn't discreet at all, giving out a hearty laugh when he saw what Castiel's food was.
They were sitting facing each other on Castiel's bed with their food trays in between. Cas openly grimaced while he fork-stabbed the pureed excuse of a breakfast. His food was everything pureed: fruits, cooked cereals, muffins, even pureed scrambled eggs.
"Come on, Cas" Dean was still wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes. "It's not that bad."
Cas glared daggers at Dean. He wondered if Dean would still say 'it wasn't that bad' if Cas pureed his pancakes too.
"C'mere, I'll change with you." Dean then made a quick change of their trays, putting his designated meal in front of Cas, who was already salivating at the hotcake delight.
Dean took a forkful of egg into his mouth and winced. "Who the hell purees an egg that was already scrambled?" Dean squawked.
Castiel chuckled as he cut a piece of pancake and smothered it with syrup. He forked the piece and handed it to Dean. Dean reached for the fork, but Cas pulled it away.
"Really, Cas?"
Cas just smiled back at him and offered the food again. Dean had to take a deep breath because he desperately hoped in doing so it would lessen the shade of red on his cheeks. Then he bent over and took the food into his mouth, straight from the fork.
Cas felt his fingers go weak. The intense heat on his face suggested it mirror Dean's ruddy cheeks. He took a small bite of the cake just so he could avoid looking at Dean. Once the food reached his stomach, he kind of knew their foods were different for a reason.
"I can't eat," Cas declared, pushing the tray back to Dean.
"Come on," Dean said, getting up to return the food trays to their rightful owners. He spooned a small scope of pureed peach. "Try a little something else. For me, please?"
Cas simply looked away. "I'm going to be sick," he declined. Throwing up in front of Gabriel was bad enough. He didn't want to do that in front of Dean, too.
"Try it first," Dean insisted. "If you barf, you barf. I don't mind." Even if he did mind, he wouldn't be a dick about it. He had practically raised his little brother. Nursing and cleaning pukes came with the package.
"No," Cas refused, loud and clear.
"Now that's offensive." Dean's remark must have come to Cas as a surprise, for he at once snapped his gaze back at Dean, who found the response amusing. He had seen Cas' everything. Hell, they even shared a tiny cell with a toilet bowl in it. Still, it didn't stop Cas from being self-conscious.
"What kind of a man would I be," Dean teased, "if I only take the 'for better' and not the 'or worse'?"
It was fascinating how Cas gradually turned pink on his cheeks and how it spread to his neck and ears. By the time every patch of his skin turned rosy, the high of his cheeks were as radiant as fully ripe tomatoes. Dean would kiss and taste the sweetness of it if he could.
Cas quickly took the pureed fruit into his mouth. Then he glared at Dean to get back to his seat. Dean complied with a smirk, then began wolfing down his pancakes. The peach didn't feel too bad, but it didn't feel too good either, so Cas tried drinking his milk instead.
Dean realized this was the first time they ever had breakfast together, or a proper meal that was not sneak-in food, for that matter. How ironic it was that the most catastrophic incident of all had brought about various breakthroughs in their relationship. Years from now, Dean would think back to this morning and make fun of how their first meal together consisted of Cas picking which puree made him feel the least nauseous.
Then Cas got out of bed, leaving Dean watching his moves, worried, for a good while. When he came back, Cas had a juice box in his hands.
"Chuck gave me this," he said, placing it down on Dean's tray. He stared at it a moment longer before he continued, "He also told me about his visions."
Dean gawked. It was the one thing Dean never thought of telling Cas, and he assumed neither did Chuck. Apparently he was wrong - so, so wrong. Now he was at a loss for how to explain the whole situation.
"Promise me you won't avenge me," Cas blurted.
"What?" Dean squeaked. "No, I can't do that."
"Dean, please." Cas let out a tired sigh. "You're going to get people hurt."
"That's kind of the point," Dean retorted, barely able to control his anger. "They hurt you, Cas. Do you really think I will let them slide?"
"I didn't ask you to let it slide." Cas tried to reason with Dean. "I'm saying there are other ways to handle it."
"Yeah? Like what?" Dean said with a scoff.
"I'm filing a lawsuit." Cas revealed. Yesterday he had agreed to have forensic evidence collected. It was not an easy process. Castiel was glad that Dr. Sebastian let Gabe be with him the whole time. He hoped Dean would understand that he endured it - all of it - for him.
"A lawsuit? God, you could be Sam's bff." Dean huffed with a mocking roll of his eyes. "A lawsuit's not going to do shit!" Dean barked.
"It's your violence that is not going to do shit!" Cas came back just as loudly. "It will only bring more victims and violence, and the underlying problem unaddressed or not even recognized!"
"It doesn't work like that here, Cas!" Dean refused to back down. "If I don't do anything, they will take me for granted and you will be targeted again!"
"I can't shoulder any more deaths!"
That shut Dean up. Silence fell long and heavy in the room. Dean was still seething but, at the same time, speechless as the new angle of things slowly dawned on him. Cas was trembling, subtly at first, until it became a full-on tremor. His voice was hoarse, almost inaudible, when he wheezed, "I just can't."
Dean got up to hold Cas close in his arms. "Fine," he said, kissing the side of Cas' head. "I won't do anything, but Lucifer is dead meat. I won't kill him, but he'll be as good as dead." When Cas went on to protest, Dean stopped him. "I won't take no for an answer."
It took a few moments, but Cas finally went pliant in Dean's arms. At least he had diverted the apocalypse. There would be no chaos, no destruction, nor death.
"And you stay close to me from now on," Dean commanded. "No more I-don't-know-you-I-don't-talk-to-you shit in front of other people. And I don't have to tell you that working in laundry is no longer an option, right?"
Cas nodded. He was also tired of keeping their distance in broad daylight. He knew for sure public displays of affection were out of the question, but he'd rather be by Dean's side than not.
"Thank you, Dean."
~:~:~
Dean hardly finished his pancakes when three officers came for him, bawling that Warden Crowley asked to see him, now. Dean stalled just because he could, telling Cas to finish the food then taking another big chunk of the cake and washing it down with his juice. When he got up, however, he was surprised to see that he was not only put in handcuffs, but also in leg cuffs with a chain linked between them.
"I'll be fine," he assured Cas when he saw the terrified look on the other guy's face, though deeply Dean doubted his own words. This was not a normal procedure in this place. "It's normal procedure," Dean said with a wink. The reassurance, he was not sure, was meant for Cas or for himself.
Cas ran up to them before they could leave the room. He gave Dean a firm squeeze on the hand that couldn't have lasted longer than two seconds, but that was all the confident Dean needed.
When Dean reached the warden's office, Crowley's toady self in a crisply pressed suit and the sneer that never left his face was already waiting for him.
"Winchester!" he greeted. The fake smile already gave Dean the heeby jeebies.
"Crowley," Dean exchanged his greeting.
"Warden Crowley"
Dean scoffed. "Whatever"
"Well, then," the warden feigned a sigh, rounding his desk to retrieve a file. "Looks like I'll have to add one more 'act in an offensive manner' to your list of offences."
"What offence?"
Crowley smirked, opening the file and not reading from it. "You have been disciplined too many times for your violent outbursts, Dean Winchester, but what I will not tolerate is violence against my people and my place."
"What the hell?" Dean cried blankly. He had no idea what kind of crap Crowley was pulling.
"Several inmates witnessed you threatened to kill our hard-working officers and, and I quote, 'your wife and your children and your fucking grandchildren!'" Crowley dramatically flipped the file close and tossed it back on his desk. He shoved both his hands in his pant pockets, eyeing Dean straight in the face, daring. "You also threatened to 'burn this place down'. Need I go on?"
"Go get Lucifer!" Dean lunged at the warden, but was yanked back by his shackles. Two officers locked him by his sides at once. "He was the one who raped another inmate in front of everyone!"
"Oh, Lucifer received his punishment alright." Crowley's disgusting lie made Dean lunge forward again, the sound of chains rattling echoing across the room. He knew for a fact that Lucifer put himself into the hole more as a protective custody. "We're here to discuss you, Squirrel."
Outraged, Dean tried to wrench free from the two officers, but it only made him end up a tangled mess within the chains, which got him even more frustrated. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Crowley seemed to be enjoying the sight far too much, so Dean stopped, huffing in the process.
"Fine. How long?"
Solitary confinement was no stranger to Dean. He might as well take the opportunity to finish off Lucifer, 'strike while the iron is hot' as the saying went. Cas would be safer when he was discharged from the infirmary.
Crowley raised one questioning eyebrow, then guffawed when he understood what Dean meant. "Oh, no, no, no, we're not talking the hotbox here," he refuted with an element of perverted glee. "You will be sent to the State Penitentiary, where they house Supermax."
Dean went pale with shock. The State Penitentiary was located in a different county. Not only it meant he would have to be in a super-maximum security prison, rarely see the light of day, literally; it also meant he would be separated, hundreds of miles away, from Cas.
"You can't do that," he sputtered, weakness shown in his voice.
"Oh, I can. And I did," Crowley leered with a too eager smile. "You'll be transferred this afternoon. Plenty of time to pack, Cupcake"
~:~:~
A/N: In case you're wondering how Dean got in here, it was partly explained in chapter eleven. More will be further explored in future chapters.
neanderthalbutt mentioned going back to read previous chapter(s). I personally think that might be a good idea, especially once things are revealed along the way (providing that you have nothing better to do, of course). There might be a few things you missed on your first read.
That said, any other question, uh, fire away?
Special thanks go to darkphoenix2345, Otex, SmokingJazz, aLoggedInReader, Angelpheonixwings14, EMSmith, Riceball-1989, ViosShadow, AssbuttInTheImpala, neanderthalbutt, PhayzonTech, weedom, samanddeanfan1, darkrose_9, shenova, Ariel (Kalli_Ravenne), cider_jelly, Mycolour, MatildaMavis, CassXDeano, and Keefer for leaving your reviews for the last chapter. Writing does not come to me naturally. If it weren't for you, I would have given up long time ago. :))