writing...babbling...there is no difference to me
I've been writing a lot lately, not very well but writing none the less. And that makes me happy. Happy that the ink is flowing back through the pen, happy that the artery is no longer clogged and the that blood is circulating once again. Happy to be writing happy to be free...
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ODE to Anger, Jealousy and Sadness
Anger, to me, is like an old blanket you keep at the foot of your bed incase it gets cold in the middle of the night.
It’s that doggied-eared copy of your favorite childhood book with the pages folded down on your favorite passages.
It’s always there, keeping you warm and comfortable.
Waiting just under the surface, waiting for the white flag to rise, for the bull to charge.
Waiting for the perfect opertunity to storm and attack the enemy, to protect the castle.
It is first to come roaring over the edge,
Sword drawn, blood to be shed, a Kingdom to salvage.
And it also happens to be the more powerful emotion that I own.
And yet today I feel nothing
Jealousy, to me, is like hot coffee with four sugars and two creams.
It’s a fattening double chocolate milkshake with whip cream and vanilla wafers.
It’s something to indulge in, to roll in like a puppy on your old smelly tennis shoes.
Lurking right under my skin, just beneath anger, but still close enough to the surface to boil at the slightest hint of betrayal.
Second to come, never to leave.
Allowing me know when I feel something for someone
As if my heart can’t accept its own feeling until jealously gives her approval.
As if that’s the only way I’ll ever know.
It protects the rest of my feelings with shield in hand and dagger drawn.
Strong in its own right, but often allows pettiness to get in her way.
It exists mostly to feed anger, it is a feast, anger’s nurishment.
And anger allows sadness to join in the meal.
Sadness, to me, is like walking alone in the spring rain on a dark moonlight night, breathing in the fresh clean air.
Feeling the drops wash away the sins of a long cold winter.
Knowing that the water the wets your skin, like tear drops, is feeding the life beneath your feet.
It’s curling up in a cacoon of blankets, peeking out only for a small breath of clear new air.
A small ray of light shinning in an otherwise cavernous lair made to keep others out, and my safety in.
Yet tonight I feel nothing.
These three have become a family to me.
A home cooked dinner waiting on the table for you after a long grueling day at work.
Brothers and sisters to my insides, my entrails.
Like small body parts which I have never paid attention to before, but have always needed.
They are my appendix, my eyelashes, my fingernails, my colon.
They’ve just always been there when I needed them
And I have come to rely on them; anger’s protection, jealousy’s approval and sadness’ friendship.
We have gone through life together, and they have treated me well.
Have given me the strength to get through things I otherwise could not have.
But as of yesterday they have left me
And I feel nothing…
Numb
[[numb]]
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Black wool covers my violet eyes
All I can see is darkness, shades of grey before me
A soundless room filled with my distrust of smoke and mirrors
Emptiness sits next to me smoking a cigar and telling me stories about the days of old
He laughs as he remembers the tales
Narratives of the time I spent and the tears I wept
Over my first truly broken heart
And he surprises the whole world with it’s heroine
Everyone is taken aback when they hear her given name
Not I, it had always been her name upon my lips when I shed tears
A friendship turned more
Deeper, more powerful than anything I’d ever felt
Seen only from the inside as anything but a typical camaraderie
A bond of two souls so different that they ended up completing each other
I dont think i realized i was 1/2 in love with her until this year
She damaged my essence when she left me
Unable to let go of the past
Not capable of handling her future
Powerless to fight for our connection because it just wasn’t who she was
“I don’t fight for friendship, it must be given freely for it to mean anything.”
So she walked away, and I let her
Never to trust again
A curtain of velvet brown hair coats my eyes
All I see is shadows of my former life
A room full of secrets and lies
Betrayal sits reclined on my leather sofa
Singing songs of ruined spirits and massacred trust
Clamor of my second broken heart
This time she speaks words that astonishes no one with the offenders name
The girl who became the light of my life
My first feminine kiss, touch
…love
Betrayal chants words that mean something only to me
Sounds that no one except my past beloved and I could understand
We were never two parts of a whole
Never soul mates, more like playmates
But we loved each other and I would have married her
Little Mexican babies with her hair and my eyes
Seen from the outside as “perfect”
But from the inside I had always been waiting for the other shoe to drop
She took my heart with her when she went away
And ive been living without it ever since
“I’m just not in love with you anymore”
Was all it took for her to kill me peice by peice
So she walked away and I let her after much resistance
Falling flat on my face for the second time
Two girls, two times the heartbreak, always one ending…goodbyes.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
ODE to Anger, Jealousy and Sadness
Anger, to me, is like an old blanket you keep at the foot of your bed incase it gets cold in the middle of the night.
It’s that doggied-eared copy of your favorite childhood book with the pages folded down on your favorite passages.
It’s always there, keeping you warm and comfortable.
Waiting just under the surface, waiting for the white flag to rise, for the bull to charge.
Waiting for the perfect opertunity to storm and attack the enemy, to protect the castle.
It is first to come roaring over the edge,
Sword drawn, blood to be shed, a Kingdom to salvage.
And it also happens to be the more powerful emotion that I own.
And yet today I feel nothing
Jealousy, to me, is like hot coffee with four sugars and two creams.
It’s a fattening double chocolate milkshake with whip cream and vanilla wafers.
It’s something to indulge in, to roll in like a puppy on your old smelly tennis shoes.
Lurking right under my skin, just beneath anger, but still close enough to the surface to boil at the slightest hint of betrayal.
Second to come, never to leave.
Allowing me know when I feel something for someone
As if my heart can’t accept its own feeling until jealously gives her approval.
As if that’s the only way I’ll ever know.
It protects the rest of my feelings with shield in hand and dagger drawn.
Strong in its own right, but often allows pettiness to get in her way.
It exists mostly to feed anger, it is a feast, anger’s nurishment.
And anger allows sadness to join in the meal.
Sadness, to me, is like walking alone in the spring rain on a dark moonlight night, breathing in the fresh clean air.
Feeling the drops wash away the sins of a long cold winter.
Knowing that the water the wets your skin, like tear drops, is feeding the life beneath your feet.
It’s curling up in a cacoon of blankets, peeking out only for a small breath of clear new air.
A small ray of light shinning in an otherwise cavernous lair made to keep others out, and my safety in.
Yet tonight I feel nothing.
These three have become a family to me.
A home cooked dinner waiting on the table for you after a long grueling day at work.
Brothers and sisters to my insides, my entrails.
Like small body parts which I have never paid attention to before, but have always needed.
They are my appendix, my eyelashes, my fingernails, my colon.
They’ve just always been there when I needed them
And I have come to rely on them; anger’s protection, jealousy’s approval and sadness’ friendship.
We have gone through life together, and they have treated me well.
Have given me the strength to get through things I otherwise could not have.
But as of yesterday they have left me
And I feel nothing…
Numb
[[numb]]
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Black wool covers my violet eyes
All I can see is darkness, shades of grey before me
A soundless room filled with my distrust of smoke and mirrors
Emptiness sits next to me smoking a cigar and telling me stories about the days of old
He laughs as he remembers the tales
Narratives of the time I spent and the tears I wept
Over my first truly broken heart
And he surprises the whole world with it’s heroine
Everyone is taken aback when they hear her given name
Not I, it had always been her name upon my lips when I shed tears
A friendship turned more
Deeper, more powerful than anything I’d ever felt
Seen only from the inside as anything but a typical camaraderie
A bond of two souls so different that they ended up completing each other
I dont think i realized i was 1/2 in love with her until this year
She damaged my essence when she left me
Unable to let go of the past
Not capable of handling her future
Powerless to fight for our connection because it just wasn’t who she was
“I don’t fight for friendship, it must be given freely for it to mean anything.”
So she walked away, and I let her
Never to trust again
A curtain of velvet brown hair coats my eyes
All I see is shadows of my former life
A room full of secrets and lies
Betrayal sits reclined on my leather sofa
Singing songs of ruined spirits and massacred trust
Clamor of my second broken heart
This time she speaks words that astonishes no one with the offenders name
The girl who became the light of my life
My first feminine kiss, touch
…love
Betrayal chants words that mean something only to me
Sounds that no one except my past beloved and I could understand
We were never two parts of a whole
Never soul mates, more like playmates
But we loved each other and I would have married her
Little Mexican babies with her hair and my eyes
Seen from the outside as “perfect”
But from the inside I had always been waiting for the other shoe to drop
She took my heart with her when she went away
And ive been living without it ever since
“I’m just not in love with you anymore”
Was all it took for her to kill me peice by peice
So she walked away and I let her after much resistance
Falling flat on my face for the second time
Two girls, two times the heartbreak, always one ending…goodbyes.