(no subject)
I was just reading Becky's journal and i started rambling on her comments. hehe So im here writing for real now where i can babble as much as i want. hehe Im scared shitless. I was scared of living all my life being scared. I was scared of living off my parents for the rest of my life and never doing anything that was hard, or that would get me anywhere in life. I was scared of never making anything out of myself, of never being good enough, of never being the best i could be (look at that, i sound like im in the army already...lol) And im more scared of all that than i am of going somewhere to be challenged and pushed to my limits. I am more scared of that than i am of burning buildings and firing a gun. And that is part of how i made my choice. I was spending another night sitting home after being unemployed for *counts* this will be the 5th month, and i decited that i need to do something. Anything to get out of this place im in. I will not be happy working retail. I can do it, im good at it infact. I will not be happy working sales, and i was decent at that too in fact. And basicly those are the only two skills i have right now. I have no degree, i have no schooling, i have no skills, i have no experence, i have nothing to show for the last 20 years of my life. I have no future and nothing to fall back on. My parents have been paying my rent and i have been stealing food and money from the for months. Before that, yes i stood on my own, but i was eating raman noodles and wearing clothes with holes in them. I was poor, not homeless poor, but poor none the less. After living in middle America for my entire life it was a shock to me to not have a tv, let alone cable. To not a computer, yet alone the internet. To not have a full fridge, to not get new clothes every seasons, to not be able to go out to dinner or a movie or buy something just because i want it. Im not going to try and make you feel sorry for me. It was a moving experence. and i am glad i went through it. It showed me how hard it is to live on your own. How unprepared i was to live off of myself. How scary and awful living in an area where people get shot in your alley and where you cant walk alone at night because bad things happen. It showed me an entirely different life, and it showed me how lucky i was and how grateful i should be. *smiles* I got use to it, but it was alot more than an eye opener. Now i live in a nice place, with nice stuff, with food, with new clothes, with alot of the stuff i missed out on when i was living by 26th street. And now i feel like crap. I hate having someone hold shit over my head. I hate all of this. lol SO yeah...i kinda went off my point...but i knew i couldnt live like this forever. I knew i needed to do something....
I knew i needed to go back to school. I knew i needed to get a better job. I knew i needed to find purpose to my life. I knew i needed to find structure. I knew i needed to challenge myself. I knew i needed to do something that mattered. I needed to do something to make myself proud, to make my family proud, to make me better. I need to be challenged and pushed and made to do things that are so not me. I need to stop being scared. I need to know that i am strong inside and out. I need to give something back to this country that allows me to hate my president (and not die for it) and to still love my country and all it has given me. I know alot of you dont think that this is very like me. I am a bit of a chicken, and i normally am very peacable. But to me this isnt about fighting or killing people. This is about free school, free speak, and a good job, a good life. Something to belong to. Something to be a part of. Something to give a shit about. Something to allow me to grow and learn as a person. Something to give me skills and a dream and a future. Doing this will allow me to see new places and experence new things that i never would have been able to do before. It will allow me to get in shape and do things i never thought i would be able to do....
I wish i knew how else to explain this to you all, but im sorta at lose for words these days. I just sat down, went through all the information and something inside me clicked and i felt awed and inspired and i knew this was for me...
Dont worry, i'll be around for another 6 months or so. hehe Gotta lose 50lbs...do i hear the gym calling? Oh...yes, yes i do. lol
love you all...
I knew i needed to go back to school. I knew i needed to get a better job. I knew i needed to find purpose to my life. I knew i needed to find structure. I knew i needed to challenge myself. I knew i needed to do something that mattered. I needed to do something to make myself proud, to make my family proud, to make me better. I need to be challenged and pushed and made to do things that are so not me. I need to stop being scared. I need to know that i am strong inside and out. I need to give something back to this country that allows me to hate my president (and not die for it) and to still love my country and all it has given me. I know alot of you dont think that this is very like me. I am a bit of a chicken, and i normally am very peacable. But to me this isnt about fighting or killing people. This is about free school, free speak, and a good job, a good life. Something to belong to. Something to be a part of. Something to give a shit about. Something to allow me to grow and learn as a person. Something to give me skills and a dream and a future. Doing this will allow me to see new places and experence new things that i never would have been able to do before. It will allow me to get in shape and do things i never thought i would be able to do....
I wish i knew how else to explain this to you all, but im sorta at lose for words these days. I just sat down, went through all the information and something inside me clicked and i felt awed and inspired and i knew this was for me...
Dont worry, i'll be around for another 6 months or so. hehe Gotta lose 50lbs...do i hear the gym calling? Oh...yes, yes i do. lol
love you all...