(no subject)
Still have fever from hell. My brain's fried and is pouring out of my nose. And then I learned about this movie and it doesn't sound particularly great but there were pictures and basically it looks like Cary Grant and Claude Rains are fucking and it cannot POSSIBLY be as fucking gay as it looks. Therefore, I'm fucking watching it. I'm going to break this fast of not watching anything that doesn't have Connies in and what better to do it with with something that may be shite but also looks slashy as fuck?
Therefore, you get a liveblog.
-Well, shit. Apparently it's set in the Middle East.
-It starts with a sweaty and bemoustachioed Cary with his hands tied and dragged behind a horse, upon which sits The Rains. That is a good start.
-We've established The Rains is a sadist and this is all going well. Also Cary (who is apparently called Andrews in this) is thrown into a prison and a Russian guy checks out his arse. That arse gets displayed for long moments as he crawls on the prison floor. This is also good.
-The Rains has a riding crop. Help. Oh, and he takes a guy out with the blunt end and rescues Cary. He knows a fine piece of English arse when he sees one, clearly.
-Christ, how much do I love the Rainsvoice, though? He has such a sophisticated and smooth and wonderful RP voice. I know he had some speech impediment as a kid and worked hard to refine his voice. Just like with Jeremy Brett, it really worked...
-Lord, Claude. Stop being so stupidly sexy. Also, his character now says he's a British secret agent and asks to be called Smith. (Incidentally, he's one of my classic movie Doctor candidates--one of those few actors who could play both the Doctor and the Master, too. And it's odd because Cary Grant is my *other* main classic movie Doctor candidate. So this is... timecock slash, old Hollywood style? Shit.)
-And aww, now Smith is doing heroic shit and wants to rescue an Armenian tribe from being massacred by the Kurds.
-Andrews tries to flirt with an Armenian girl and there is typical lolfail. Classic Grant stylee. And Smith is having none of that and cockblocks him immediately. Yeah, the gay is strong here.
-The dialogue is very plotty at this stage but again, Rains is love. He's just one of those quality Brit actors who is always solid and can make you believe what they say. Also, I love him yelling "Yalla!" at people. Also, Smith cockblocks Andrews again.
-Smith just used his riding crop to thwack a rebellious guy off a cliff. Jesus fucking Christ. Also, predictably, I am aroused.
-And now there is Smith/Andrews wrestling. *sits back and enjoys* 23 minutes in and Cary is fucking rubbing his crotch against Claude's. JFC.
-Andrews is falling in love with Smith. All that frotting does things to a man. And it's still not much of a movie, yet. The dialogue isn't exactly sparkling and Cary isn't bothering to do any acting, but then again he was one of those stars who was good at playing himself.
-Of course, Andrews is flirting with the nurse. Apparently he's fallen in love with her like that and we're supposed to believe it just like that. Not that this is an uncommon trope at all, of course. (Also, if wounded soldier/nurse never happened, I wouldn't be here. That's how my paternal grandfather met my grandmother during the war...)
-The Rains is smoking like a pimp. Yeah, never seen that before.
-Yeah, blah, blah Andrews wooing nurse, boyish charm, slick slick, lols lols, etc... BRING BACK THE GAY.
-Ahahahaha, he is such a pussy hound. *randomly kisses nurse* "Darling, I love you." Ahahahaha. No, really. Even for 1930s standards, that's bad. And of course, bitch is married.
-Oh god, the dialogue is so terrible it's painful, though.
-Aaaand of course, even if I hadn't read it in the synopis, I would've guessed her long-lost husband was indeed The Rains. There was a really dodgy special effect here, too, when she passed out upon meeting him again, the sort of zoomy thing I thought they were actually capable of around this time... that's odd. I've seen it in 1939 at least, so maybe this (being from 1935) didn't have that technique yet.
-Oh God, the Rains is far more convincing as a lover and oh god, I am hurting. HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE HIM, BITCH? Especially as he has a really posh house as well. Why do I always root for the guys who aren't the hero?
-OH MY GOD, HE IS SO GOOD. EVEN WITH THE SHIT DIALOGUE. *windmilling arms* HE IS SO ADORABLE I AM IN PAIN.
-And now the chick is telling Andrews that Smith (or whatever his real name is) is weird and kind of nuts. Not surprised. Also not taking my boner down at all.
-NO NO NO NO NO DON'T BREAK THE RAINS'S HEART NO NO NO HE IS BEING TOO WARM AND SWEET AND ADORBZ HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU NOT WANT TO JUST SPEND AN ENTIRE DAY IN BED WITH THAT GUY SHAGGING AND EATING AND PLAYING BOARD GAMES AND DRINKING AND SHAGGING AND JUST SNUGGLING HIM FOREVER because that's what I'd want to do with him. Silly cow.
-And now bitch has told him who it is and oh, all hell breaks loose. STOP FUCKING BREAKING MY HEART. AUGH.
-What the fuck is it with the Rains and jaunty hats, though?
-Oh no, now he sets out to hunt down Andrews. And is basically panting at the prospect. JFC. Why start this war over a woman when you could be having hot gay sex in the sun instead?
-So now The Rains goes by the name of Stevenson. He is still panting like a hound dog. This got, like, massively more interesting once he got a murderous gleam in his eyes.
-More slash fodder. Two guys, one of whom wants to kill the other, and they have to stick together because bad shit goes down. There's a native rebellion and in the middle of an elephant stampede, Stevenson throws Andrews down and protects him. (Automatic reaction. I'm as surprised as you are, etc.)
-This movie features ridiculous amounts of stuff where action sequences are speeded up and the fps change is really jarring. Oh dear. The budget must've been huge, but sadly the effect just makes it look silly. Everyone moves too fast like in a hand-cranked early silent. Where did they even get all these hippos and monkeys and elephants and shit?
-And in the face of big scary natives, the guys make up and they're all heroic and shit! What a surprise.
-And of course, the Rains doesn't make it alive until the end. But there's homoeroticism at least. And now the hero is free to fuck the nobler guy's wife! Hooray! Er. I suppose.
Damn. I knew it. Not as gay as it looked, but at least there was some slashy goodness and as usual, The Rains was solid. Pretty much what I expected. I didn't expect the gayest two promos to show up in the actual movie, either, and sadly, I was right...
P.S.
I undestand you on a deep level, Cary.
Therefore, you get a liveblog.
-Well, shit. Apparently it's set in the Middle East.
-It starts with a sweaty and bemoustachioed Cary with his hands tied and dragged behind a horse, upon which sits The Rains. That is a good start.
-We've established The Rains is a sadist and this is all going well. Also Cary (who is apparently called Andrews in this) is thrown into a prison and a Russian guy checks out his arse. That arse gets displayed for long moments as he crawls on the prison floor. This is also good.
-The Rains has a riding crop. Help. Oh, and he takes a guy out with the blunt end and rescues Cary. He knows a fine piece of English arse when he sees one, clearly.
-Christ, how much do I love the Rainsvoice, though? He has such a sophisticated and smooth and wonderful RP voice. I know he had some speech impediment as a kid and worked hard to refine his voice. Just like with Jeremy Brett, it really worked...
-Lord, Claude. Stop being so stupidly sexy. Also, his character now says he's a British secret agent and asks to be called Smith. (Incidentally, he's one of my classic movie Doctor candidates--one of those few actors who could play both the Doctor and the Master, too. And it's odd because Cary Grant is my *other* main classic movie Doctor candidate. So this is... timecock slash, old Hollywood style? Shit.)
-And aww, now Smith is doing heroic shit and wants to rescue an Armenian tribe from being massacred by the Kurds.
-Andrews tries to flirt with an Armenian girl and there is typical lolfail. Classic Grant stylee. And Smith is having none of that and cockblocks him immediately. Yeah, the gay is strong here.
-The dialogue is very plotty at this stage but again, Rains is love. He's just one of those quality Brit actors who is always solid and can make you believe what they say. Also, I love him yelling "Yalla!" at people. Also, Smith cockblocks Andrews again.
-Smith just used his riding crop to thwack a rebellious guy off a cliff. Jesus fucking Christ. Also, predictably, I am aroused.
-And now there is Smith/Andrews wrestling. *sits back and enjoys* 23 minutes in and Cary is fucking rubbing his crotch against Claude's. JFC.
-Andrews is falling in love with Smith. All that frotting does things to a man. And it's still not much of a movie, yet. The dialogue isn't exactly sparkling and Cary isn't bothering to do any acting, but then again he was one of those stars who was good at playing himself.
-Of course, Andrews is flirting with the nurse. Apparently he's fallen in love with her like that and we're supposed to believe it just like that. Not that this is an uncommon trope at all, of course. (Also, if wounded soldier/nurse never happened, I wouldn't be here. That's how my paternal grandfather met my grandmother during the war...)
-The Rains is smoking like a pimp. Yeah, never seen that before.
-Yeah, blah, blah Andrews wooing nurse, boyish charm, slick slick, lols lols, etc... BRING BACK THE GAY.
-Ahahahaha, he is such a pussy hound. *randomly kisses nurse* "Darling, I love you." Ahahahaha. No, really. Even for 1930s standards, that's bad. And of course, bitch is married.
-Oh god, the dialogue is so terrible it's painful, though.
-Aaaand of course, even if I hadn't read it in the synopis, I would've guessed her long-lost husband was indeed The Rains. There was a really dodgy special effect here, too, when she passed out upon meeting him again, the sort of zoomy thing I thought they were actually capable of around this time... that's odd. I've seen it in 1939 at least, so maybe this (being from 1935) didn't have that technique yet.
-Oh God, the Rains is far more convincing as a lover and oh god, I am hurting. HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE HIM, BITCH? Especially as he has a really posh house as well. Why do I always root for the guys who aren't the hero?
-OH MY GOD, HE IS SO GOOD. EVEN WITH THE SHIT DIALOGUE. *windmilling arms* HE IS SO ADORABLE I AM IN PAIN.
-And now the chick is telling Andrews that Smith (or whatever his real name is) is weird and kind of nuts. Not surprised. Also not taking my boner down at all.
-NO NO NO NO NO DON'T BREAK THE RAINS'S HEART NO NO NO HE IS BEING TOO WARM AND SWEET AND ADORBZ HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU NOT WANT TO JUST SPEND AN ENTIRE DAY IN BED WITH THAT GUY SHAGGING AND EATING AND PLAYING BOARD GAMES AND DRINKING AND SHAGGING AND JUST SNUGGLING HIM FOREVER because that's what I'd want to do with him. Silly cow.
-And now bitch has told him who it is and oh, all hell breaks loose. STOP FUCKING BREAKING MY HEART. AUGH.
-What the fuck is it with the Rains and jaunty hats, though?
-Oh no, now he sets out to hunt down Andrews. And is basically panting at the prospect. JFC. Why start this war over a woman when you could be having hot gay sex in the sun instead?
-So now The Rains goes by the name of Stevenson. He is still panting like a hound dog. This got, like, massively more interesting once he got a murderous gleam in his eyes.
-More slash fodder. Two guys, one of whom wants to kill the other, and they have to stick together because bad shit goes down. There's a native rebellion and in the middle of an elephant stampede, Stevenson throws Andrews down and protects him. (Automatic reaction. I'm as surprised as you are, etc.)
-This movie features ridiculous amounts of stuff where action sequences are speeded up and the fps change is really jarring. Oh dear. The budget must've been huge, but sadly the effect just makes it look silly. Everyone moves too fast like in a hand-cranked early silent. Where did they even get all these hippos and monkeys and elephants and shit?
-And in the face of big scary natives, the guys make up and they're all heroic and shit! What a surprise.
-And of course, the Rains doesn't make it alive until the end. But there's homoeroticism at least. And now the hero is free to fuck the nobler guy's wife! Hooray! Er. I suppose.
Damn. I knew it. Not as gay as it looked, but at least there was some slashy goodness and as usual, The Rains was solid. Pretty much what I expected. I didn't expect the gayest two promos to show up in the actual movie, either, and sadly, I was right...
P.S.
I undestand you on a deep level, Cary.