Drunkblogging Thief of Bagdad because I can
I have decided to make ToB in HD a Christmas tradition; therefore I have mulled wine and ToB. Almost-liveblogging results. Because I can.
-THE FUCKING HARBOUR SCENE AND THE SAILORS' SONG AND THE EYE AND THE SHIP AND IT IS ALL JUST SO FUCKING MAJESTIC. SO MUCH MEDIEVAL PERSIAN PORN AND ALL THOSE DIFFERENT NATIONALITIES AT BASRA HARBOUR AND ALL THIS SPECTACLE AND ALL THESE COLOURS AND AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and also ONE MAJESTIC MOTHERFUCKER OF A MAN WHO GLIDES LIKE A CAT AND HAS EYES
-And I keep having to pause every time Veidt because JFC. I've giffed probably every frame of him in this movie and have basically used so many as orgasm triggers that my bits keep wanting to throw me off the bed every time he appears. Which is a lot.
-TAX COLLECTOR DOG. THAT WHOLE FALSE COIN THING IS A LEGIT ARABIAN NIGHTS THING. HOW MUCH DO I LOVE THAT SO MUCH OF THIS MOVIE IS JUST SO FANNISH ABOUT THE HISTORY AND THE SOURCE MATERIAL AND JUST *SOBBING* and and all the British wit and humour and *sobs some more*
-AND THEN THIS:
ACTUALLY SCREAMED AND OW OW OW MY VAGINA AND WE'RE NOT EVEN TEN MINUTES IN YET
ALSO ACTUALLY HAD TO WIPE DROOL FROM MY MOUTH BECAUSE IT WAS HANGING OPEN FOR SO LONG BECAUSE THIS MAN'S EYES, OKAY
AND ALSO LOVE ZE HAZ YET ZU LEERN x____x
-Sovereigns of silkiness, seriously. <3 The turbans are anachronistic (only Turkish harem babes would've had turbans and even then only from like the 1600s onwards or something, but whatevz). Also, Halima exchanging glances with Jaffar and HAVE I MENTIONED HOW I LOVE THIS MOVIE ACTUALLY HAVING HAD A SWISHY BI VILLAIN AND A HOT LESBIAN HENCHWOMAN *wipes froth from mouth*
-Abu is just so much love. I wonder how much of it eventually ended up influencing Vila. And and you've got to hand it to Sabu, he was just so fantastic when he leapt about doing all his own stunts and shit.
-And seriously. Abu/Ahmad OTP. Love at first sight. "AHMAD, THE KING?" and their eyes met and the rest was sodomy.
-OH SHIT, NO. NOT JAFFAR GOING ALL INTENSE AND HAMMY IN AHMAD'S EAR AND HAVING TEEFS AND HISSING AND BEING FUCKING DELICIOUSLY HYSTERICAL AND HIS MOCK SHOCK AT "IN A SUBJECT, IT'S QUITTE UNPARRRDONABLLE" and HIS LAUGH AT "HAPPINESS"
OW OW OW ANOTHER ORGASM TRIGGER EVIL GRIN DON'T LOOK AT ME I RESPOND TO THOSE TEEFS SEXUALLY NOW
-I love the beauty of the language in the prophecy scene and that tying in with the whole storytelling culture and just *sigh*. The language of this movie is just so beautiful. I really can't tell you how much I appreciate the script in this (as choppy and as uneven as it gets because of Korda and the war meddling with everything). It just requires so much fucking skill to write something that sounds like the Burton translation of the Arabian Nights and yet works as a story. If anything, trying to emulate that style even vaguely in my own writing taught me that. Really, Miles, you had skillz.
-DID I MENTION I FUCKING LOVE THE COMEDY JAILER, OKAY? He is this one-scene-wonder but he is fucking glorious. Also, Abu is Vila again and I love how he is like A BILLION TIMES BRAINIER THAN AHMAD THE HIMBO. Ahmad would be so fucked without him. And then they go to that boat and they're being slashy as fuck again and... they really do love to show off all this bare male skin glistening from water, don't they? WHAT I WOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN FOR A SCENE OF A SHIRTLESS JAFFAR GLISTENING AS HE SLEEPS IN THE NOONDAY HEAT OR GETS OILED BY HIS HAREM BABES *quiet whimpering, rocking in corner*
-I also love how Abu fucking snarks at Ahmad ALL THE TIME. Because Ahmad is just so clueless.
-"If your fingers are as nimble as your brain, you are indeed the prince of thieves." Did I mention how gay Ahmad is for Abu?
-Yet more gratuitous shirtlessness. Well done, movie. Well done.
-TECHNICOLOR FAIRYTALE BASRA WHICH LOOKS WAY MORE LIKE JAIPUR WITH THE PINKNESS BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK. IT IS GORGEOUS. CAN YOU SEE THE BUDGET? I SURE AS FUCK CAN.
-SPIRAL MINARET. IT IS THE SAME ONE BASED ON THE ONE IN SAMARRA THAT PAM AND I RIPPED OFF FOR OUR STORY. GHAZAL FEELS. GHAZAL FUCKING FEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS.
-Although the history nerd in me is facepalming over Ahmad and Abu not wearing turbans. Look, hotties can wear turbans, too, and it would totally have been a thing even for beggars in that climate. Seriously. You would've had sunstroke. And I'm pretty sure their clothes don't fulfill any religious standards of male decency, beggars or not.
-ALSO. THE ONION-SHAPED HOWDAHS ON THE CAMELS. THAT IS ACTUAL PROPER HISTORICAL SHIT. THOSE WERE USED BY POSH LADIES AND THEY WOULD GRIDLOCK THE FUCK OUT OF THE STREETS IN THE BIGGER TOWNS AND I LOVE THAT DETAIL. How in the fuck could they know so much about medieval Persia in the 1930s, researching this shit?!? They would've had the stories and the poetry, yeah, but the visuals? *flails*
-I love how Ahmad totally fails at this bullshitting thing and is a shit thief and Abu just gives him this "FFS. Just don't open your mouth, okay? Okay" face.
-Did I mention the epic set design porn? William Cameron Menzies was a legend for a reason. Click through for epic history/fantasy porn. It still is a curious mix of Jaipur and the very very Persian iwans (those honeycombed portal things). But I love them getting those camels right, and also many people wearing their turbans around fezzes, as would've been the custom at the time. And the palaces having their own rooftop gardens (people would even sleep on the rooftops in the summer).
-"Allah be with you." [beat] "But I doubt it." THIS FILM IS JUST FULL OF HILARIOUS BIT PARTS AND QUIPS AND DID I MENTION HOW IT COMBINES THE ARABIAN NIGHTS LOLS WITH BRITISH LOLS SO PERFECTLY
-Aaaah, the liveries of the Ethiopian guards and those archers have got to be ghilman, aka gay ninjas. And lollerskates at the modern box left lying about. Bet that says "Liverpool" at the bottom. Aaahahahaha <3
-Also PINK FUCKING ELEPHANT and a world of presumably eunuch dudes and MIRZA riding in ze Pwincess's entourage. And did I mention how much I love the music in this movie? *sigh*
-Just how gorgeous is she? *sigh*
-I love how Abu is immediately jealous when Ahmad starts crushing on ze pwinzezz. HOW IS THERE NO SLASH OF THESE GUYS APART FROM THAT ONE MENTION I MADE IN THE PAST FORGOTTEN?
-Aaaaaaah. The harem scenes. The not at all Orientalist idleness imagery and 1930s ladies and and okay, it is unrealistic as hell, but it sure as fuck is pretty, okay? And the costume porn. *sigh* even ze Pwinzezz's shoes... the sheer detail that's gone into the costumes is just fucking mindboggling. As is her beauty. And then there's that ancient Oriental jewelry they got on loan from a museum and I just... oh, this throbbing heart of mine indeed.
-AND SERIOUSLY, JUST HOW FUCKING PRETTY WAS SHE? Even when angsting and pining because her beloved hasn't come to sweep her away yet.
-"A GENIE? YOU MEAN I AM FINALLY GOING TO GET LAID?"
-Aww, Ahmad and Pwinzezz. You are two such adorable kids together and this scene is so cuuuuute. I do feel sorry for dickifying Ahmad in fic so often, but it's necessary for plot reasons. They really are so lovely in this scene. Also, her magnifcent underboob is begging to be faceplanted into. *sigh* And just before she says "Where have you come from?" she does this gorgeous little hesitant purse of her lips, like she is about to kiss. I don't care if it's June's acting slipping or whatever, because it looks fucking adorable. That she is just kissing the air. *sigh* It makes her all the more beautiful and attractive. *adores her like a besotted grand vizier*
-"From the other side of time. To find you." And then all the other time-related stuff... oh dear. Stop it, Ahmad. You are not a fucking Time Lord. Unless you are a ditzy, clueless Doctor and and then the movie is basically stolen by the Master and the companions are the ones who sort it out... yeah. This is Castrovalva, isn't it?
THIS SHOT, THOUGH. This movie is just full of so much gorgeous cinematography and set and detail porn and I honestly can't deal. And the shadows of the leaves and the sunlight on their faces as they romance each other... aaaah. I am never going to get through this film tonight if I have to stop every two seconds to cap and squee about it. EVEN WHEN JAFFAR ISN'T ON THE SCREEN. *sob*
-"And all tomorrows." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. <3
-"You have as great a longing in your soul as I have." AHMAD, CAN YOU NOT SEE ABU IS IN LOVE WITH YOU?
-And sup, pwinzezz. Your true OTP has just arrived. I love how even if Jaffar walks wayyy behind his guards, you can tell he's still the TALLEST FUCKING GUY IN THE BUILDING.
-And I am biting my hand so hard I am about to draw blood and ow ow ow my pussy and ow ow ow because JAFFAR. CONNIE. HOW IN THE FUCK DID YOU WALK LIKE THAT. GLIDE LIKE THAT. AND ALSO HOW FUCKING HILARIOUS IS THE ENTIRE SCENE WITH JAFFAR AND THE SULTAN AND I WANT TO CRY FROM THE PERFECTION OF THIS MOVIEEEE ;___;
-Miles, though. Dude gave himself the funniest part and the funniest lines. <3 Although Connie is just so perfectly slithery he manages to co-steal the whole thing. All that sneakiness vs. bumbling and I just... imagine if Jaffar and the Sultan had indeed become father-in-law and son-in-law. It would've been pure hell and ALSO FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Jaffar still needs to fuck off with that pointless hip-rocking and fingerporning and sabrewanking he does while the servants bring in the horse. Seriously. *sobs*
YOU KNEW I WAS GOING TO INCLUDE THIS GIF.
BECAUSE EYES. I WOULD GLADLY MOUNT THAT PIMPTACHE AND RIDE IT LIKE A MAGIC FUCKING HORSE.
-"PULL ZE REINZ!" I do love it when Jaffar gets exasperated with the Sultan and did I mention how much I love this scene?
-Also, Jaffar's perv face. The best face.
And all the medieval Persian poetry tropes he spouts about ze pwinzezz. GDI. I AM SORRY BUT I AM HAVING HISTORYGASMS AND PERSIAGASMS AND COSTUMEGASMS IN ADDITION TO ALL THE CONNIEPORNGASMS.
Speaking of costumegasms, tall gorgeous perfectly draped androgynous ladyhipped guygasms, sabregasms, sabre chain gasms and I JUST
WHY IN THE FUCK WAS HE AN ART NOUVEAU DRAWING
-I would still kill to see all the stuff they cut out from between the bits where Ahmad looks happy to see Jaffar and when he realises he's evolz and bad shit starts to go down and Ahmad asks for a sword. Because it'd mean moar Connie, obvs. He is fucking magnificent in the bits that remain, of course. All that fucking amazing slow motion acting. *sigh* (No, that gif is not slowed down; it's the same framerate as the movie.)
-I also love Sabu's acting when Jaffar curses Abu. He really looks like there's some giant heavy weight upon his back crushing him into the ground. Yes, I am able to pay attention to things that aren't Jaffar's eyes... at least when they aren't dominating the screen. JFC, Connie.
-Aaaaah! She is just so sensual and sexy and heartbreaking and gorgeous when she tosses and turns on the bed! And it is adorbz when Ahmad wakes her. Also, I am starting to get too drunktired to cap and oh fuck, I may actually fall asleep before I make it to the end of the movie. *sobs* So you just get my evil version where it is indeed Jaffar who wakes her.
JUNE, THIS WAS A FAMILY MOVIE. Although it's not like Connie was doing family movie acting with his constant perving either. Her faces are so sexual this entire scene is basically a goldmine for manip headshots, seriously. And she does that little kissyface before "why have you come" again! <3
-Did I mention the music? *sigh* And how pretty she is when she angsts?
-I am struggling so hard not to clip out her line at Halima: "TAKE ME!" and splice it after Jaffar's "Love ze haz yet zu leern". Seriously.
-Jaffar's pimp ship, though. Seriously.
-OH NO. ENTER THE DOGFUCKER.
"How do you find your dog's life? Hmm?"
WAS NOTHING SAFE?!? THE PORN "HMM". SERIOUSLY. *sob* That is exactly the voice with which I imagine him crooning filth in ze pwinzezz's ear.
-*in complete fucking flaily pieces over "ALWAYS JAFFAR" and everything*
-And oh, Ahmad. Why can't you see Abu is your OTP? And I am really trying not to think of kinky contexts for that dog collar/leash. And Ahmad, you are such a drama queeny dick at him :( "Is there nothing for you without her?" YOU BASTARD. JUST GO OFF AND BE GAY TOGETHER ALREADY AND LEAVE JAFFAR AND ZE PWINZEZZ TO FUCK ON THAT SHIP.
-Ahhhh, the harem babes tucking her into that dress and preparing her. Not that this scene has launched a thousand lesbian orgy wank fantasies in my brain or anything. Nope. Not at all. (Costume porn, though!)
-DID I MENTION THE COSTUME PORN? BEHOLD. MR. DEEP HARD WIZARDFUCK HAS ENTERED.
I seriously love that costume so hard. Jaffar the bridegroom! *curls up in a ball and cries at his thwarted evil love*
DID I MENTION THE COSTUMES AND ALSO HOW FUCKING HANDSOME HE LOOKS IN THAT SECOND ONE AND ALSO FALCON FEELS FOR THE FIRST ONE AND ;________;
Also raise your hand if, at the moment she shouts "It's Ahmad!" you shout "FUCK AHMAD!" because reasons. *sigh*
-VINND! Oh, Connie. Your ham is MAGNIFICENT. The moment the wind first catches his sleeves, though. And he just stands there, magnificent. If this moment isn't pure movie magic, I don't know what is.
-LOVE ME, FEAR ME, DO AS I SAY AND I WILL BE YOUR SLAVE.
-And that shot--which I'm not going to stick a gif of here because it's huge--where Jaffar first steps through the ruined garden's gate like some black bird of ill omen... *sigh* it's straight out of a Dulac illustration. THE BEAUTY OF THIS MOVIE.
-Also, how does he have the actual eyes of a cat and I... I AM NOT COPING WITH THIS AND HIS CONSTANT BLOCKAGE OF THE WIZARDCOCK D:
-Okay, so you do get one ridiculously huge gif. Because Jaffar just WALKED UP SOME FUCKING STAIRS. AND HAD SILKS. AND HAD A BODY. AND A SWORD. AND A CLOAK. AND THINGS. DAMN YOU, VEIDT.
-NGL, I still love the fact that we can have a villain who builds living sex dolls to kill anyone standing in his way of boning hot bitches.
-Actually, no. I'm skipping The Abu Movie because I'm too tired. I'm just going to go straight for the utter heartbreak of the blue rose scene. DO YER WORST.
-NONONO. I AM NOT DEALING. I AM NOT DEALING WITH HIS HOPEFUL BESOTTED FACE ;__;
-AND THEN THEY FUCKED ON THAT BIG PERSIAN RUG UNTIL THEIR KNEES WERE RAW
-Oh, Ahmad, you drama queen. WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ROOT FOR YOU AND NOT FOR JAFFAR?
-CONNIE. CAN YOU NOT FUCKING TREMBLE AND WIBBLE THAT MUCH BECAUSE IT IS PAINFUL TO WATCH D:
NO. JUST FUCKING NO
And this is where the movie ends, basically.
AND THEY UNFED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
*collapses and writhes in Jaffar feels, though*
-THE FUCKING HARBOUR SCENE AND THE SAILORS' SONG AND THE EYE AND THE SHIP AND IT IS ALL JUST SO FUCKING MAJESTIC. SO MUCH MEDIEVAL PERSIAN PORN AND ALL THOSE DIFFERENT NATIONALITIES AT BASRA HARBOUR AND ALL THIS SPECTACLE AND ALL THESE COLOURS AND AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and also ONE MAJESTIC MOTHERFUCKER OF A MAN WHO GLIDES LIKE A CAT AND HAS EYES
-And I keep having to pause every time Veidt because JFC. I've giffed probably every frame of him in this movie and have basically used so many as orgasm triggers that my bits keep wanting to throw me off the bed every time he appears. Which is a lot.
-TAX COLLECTOR DOG. THAT WHOLE FALSE COIN THING IS A LEGIT ARABIAN NIGHTS THING. HOW MUCH DO I LOVE THAT SO MUCH OF THIS MOVIE IS JUST SO FANNISH ABOUT THE HISTORY AND THE SOURCE MATERIAL AND JUST *SOBBING* and and all the British wit and humour and *sobs some more*
-AND THEN THIS:
ACTUALLY SCREAMED AND OW OW OW MY VAGINA AND WE'RE NOT EVEN TEN MINUTES IN YET
ALSO ACTUALLY HAD TO WIPE DROOL FROM MY MOUTH BECAUSE IT WAS HANGING OPEN FOR SO LONG BECAUSE THIS MAN'S EYES, OKAY
AND ALSO LOVE ZE HAZ YET ZU LEERN x____x
-Sovereigns of silkiness, seriously. <3 The turbans are anachronistic (only Turkish harem babes would've had turbans and even then only from like the 1600s onwards or something, but whatevz). Also, Halima exchanging glances with Jaffar and HAVE I MENTIONED HOW I LOVE THIS MOVIE ACTUALLY HAVING HAD A SWISHY BI VILLAIN AND A HOT LESBIAN HENCHWOMAN *wipes froth from mouth*
-Abu is just so much love. I wonder how much of it eventually ended up influencing Vila. And and you've got to hand it to Sabu, he was just so fantastic when he leapt about doing all his own stunts and shit.
-And seriously. Abu/Ahmad OTP. Love at first sight. "AHMAD, THE KING?" and their eyes met and the rest was sodomy.
-OH SHIT, NO. NOT JAFFAR GOING ALL INTENSE AND HAMMY IN AHMAD'S EAR AND HAVING TEEFS AND HISSING AND BEING FUCKING DELICIOUSLY HYSTERICAL AND HIS MOCK SHOCK AT "IN A SUBJECT, IT'S QUITTE UNPARRRDONABLLE" and HIS LAUGH AT "HAPPINESS"
OW OW OW ANOTHER ORGASM TRIGGER EVIL GRIN DON'T LOOK AT ME I RESPOND TO THOSE TEEFS SEXUALLY NOW
-I love the beauty of the language in the prophecy scene and that tying in with the whole storytelling culture and just *sigh*. The language of this movie is just so beautiful. I really can't tell you how much I appreciate the script in this (as choppy and as uneven as it gets because of Korda and the war meddling with everything). It just requires so much fucking skill to write something that sounds like the Burton translation of the Arabian Nights and yet works as a story. If anything, trying to emulate that style even vaguely in my own writing taught me that. Really, Miles, you had skillz.
-DID I MENTION I FUCKING LOVE THE COMEDY JAILER, OKAY? He is this one-scene-wonder but he is fucking glorious. Also, Abu is Vila again and I love how he is like A BILLION TIMES BRAINIER THAN AHMAD THE HIMBO. Ahmad would be so fucked without him. And then they go to that boat and they're being slashy as fuck again and... they really do love to show off all this bare male skin glistening from water, don't they? WHAT I WOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN FOR A SCENE OF A SHIRTLESS JAFFAR GLISTENING AS HE SLEEPS IN THE NOONDAY HEAT OR GETS OILED BY HIS HAREM BABES *quiet whimpering, rocking in corner*
-I also love how Abu fucking snarks at Ahmad ALL THE TIME. Because Ahmad is just so clueless.
-"If your fingers are as nimble as your brain, you are indeed the prince of thieves." Did I mention how gay Ahmad is for Abu?
-Yet more gratuitous shirtlessness. Well done, movie. Well done.
-TECHNICOLOR FAIRYTALE BASRA WHICH LOOKS WAY MORE LIKE JAIPUR WITH THE PINKNESS BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK. IT IS GORGEOUS. CAN YOU SEE THE BUDGET? I SURE AS FUCK CAN.
-SPIRAL MINARET. IT IS THE SAME ONE BASED ON THE ONE IN SAMARRA THAT PAM AND I RIPPED OFF FOR OUR STORY. GHAZAL FEELS. GHAZAL FUCKING FEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS.
-Although the history nerd in me is facepalming over Ahmad and Abu not wearing turbans. Look, hotties can wear turbans, too, and it would totally have been a thing even for beggars in that climate. Seriously. You would've had sunstroke. And I'm pretty sure their clothes don't fulfill any religious standards of male decency, beggars or not.
-ALSO. THE ONION-SHAPED HOWDAHS ON THE CAMELS. THAT IS ACTUAL PROPER HISTORICAL SHIT. THOSE WERE USED BY POSH LADIES AND THEY WOULD GRIDLOCK THE FUCK OUT OF THE STREETS IN THE BIGGER TOWNS AND I LOVE THAT DETAIL. How in the fuck could they know so much about medieval Persia in the 1930s, researching this shit?!? They would've had the stories and the poetry, yeah, but the visuals? *flails*
-I love how Ahmad totally fails at this bullshitting thing and is a shit thief and Abu just gives him this "FFS. Just don't open your mouth, okay? Okay" face.
-Did I mention the epic set design porn? William Cameron Menzies was a legend for a reason. Click through for epic history/fantasy porn. It still is a curious mix of Jaipur and the very very Persian iwans (those honeycombed portal things). But I love them getting those camels right, and also many people wearing their turbans around fezzes, as would've been the custom at the time. And the palaces having their own rooftop gardens (people would even sleep on the rooftops in the summer).
-"Allah be with you." [beat] "But I doubt it." THIS FILM IS JUST FULL OF HILARIOUS BIT PARTS AND QUIPS AND DID I MENTION HOW IT COMBINES THE ARABIAN NIGHTS LOLS WITH BRITISH LOLS SO PERFECTLY
-Aaaah, the liveries of the Ethiopian guards and those archers have got to be ghilman, aka gay ninjas. And lollerskates at the modern box left lying about. Bet that says "Liverpool" at the bottom. Aaahahahaha <3
-Also PINK FUCKING ELEPHANT and a world of presumably eunuch dudes and MIRZA riding in ze Pwincess's entourage. And did I mention how much I love the music in this movie? *sigh*
-Just how gorgeous is she? *sigh*
-I love how Abu is immediately jealous when Ahmad starts crushing on ze pwinzezz. HOW IS THERE NO SLASH OF THESE GUYS APART FROM THAT ONE MENTION I MADE IN THE PAST FORGOTTEN?
-Aaaaaaah. The harem scenes. The not at all Orientalist idleness imagery and 1930s ladies and and okay, it is unrealistic as hell, but it sure as fuck is pretty, okay? And the costume porn. *sigh* even ze Pwinzezz's shoes... the sheer detail that's gone into the costumes is just fucking mindboggling. As is her beauty. And then there's that ancient Oriental jewelry they got on loan from a museum and I just... oh, this throbbing heart of mine indeed.
-AND SERIOUSLY, JUST HOW FUCKING PRETTY WAS SHE? Even when angsting and pining because her beloved hasn't come to sweep her away yet.
-"A GENIE? YOU MEAN I AM FINALLY GOING TO GET LAID?"
-Aww, Ahmad and Pwinzezz. You are two such adorable kids together and this scene is so cuuuuute. I do feel sorry for dickifying Ahmad in fic so often, but it's necessary for plot reasons. They really are so lovely in this scene. Also, her magnifcent underboob is begging to be faceplanted into. *sigh* And just before she says "Where have you come from?" she does this gorgeous little hesitant purse of her lips, like she is about to kiss. I don't care if it's June's acting slipping or whatever, because it looks fucking adorable. That she is just kissing the air. *sigh* It makes her all the more beautiful and attractive. *adores her like a besotted grand vizier*
-"From the other side of time. To find you." And then all the other time-related stuff... oh dear. Stop it, Ahmad. You are not a fucking Time Lord. Unless you are a ditzy, clueless Doctor and and then the movie is basically stolen by the Master and the companions are the ones who sort it out... yeah. This is Castrovalva, isn't it?
THIS SHOT, THOUGH. This movie is just full of so much gorgeous cinematography and set and detail porn and I honestly can't deal. And the shadows of the leaves and the sunlight on their faces as they romance each other... aaaah. I am never going to get through this film tonight if I have to stop every two seconds to cap and squee about it. EVEN WHEN JAFFAR ISN'T ON THE SCREEN. *sob*
-"And all tomorrows." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. <3
-"You have as great a longing in your soul as I have." AHMAD, CAN YOU NOT SEE ABU IS IN LOVE WITH YOU?
-And sup, pwinzezz. Your true OTP has just arrived. I love how even if Jaffar walks wayyy behind his guards, you can tell he's still the TALLEST FUCKING GUY IN THE BUILDING.
-And I am biting my hand so hard I am about to draw blood and ow ow ow my pussy and ow ow ow because JAFFAR. CONNIE. HOW IN THE FUCK DID YOU WALK LIKE THAT. GLIDE LIKE THAT. AND ALSO HOW FUCKING HILARIOUS IS THE ENTIRE SCENE WITH JAFFAR AND THE SULTAN AND I WANT TO CRY FROM THE PERFECTION OF THIS MOVIEEEE ;___;
-Miles, though. Dude gave himself the funniest part and the funniest lines. <3 Although Connie is just so perfectly slithery he manages to co-steal the whole thing. All that sneakiness vs. bumbling and I just... imagine if Jaffar and the Sultan had indeed become father-in-law and son-in-law. It would've been pure hell and ALSO FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Jaffar still needs to fuck off with that pointless hip-rocking and fingerporning and sabrewanking he does while the servants bring in the horse. Seriously. *sobs*
YOU KNEW I WAS GOING TO INCLUDE THIS GIF.
BECAUSE EYES. I WOULD GLADLY MOUNT THAT PIMPTACHE AND RIDE IT LIKE A MAGIC FUCKING HORSE.
-"PULL ZE REINZ!" I do love it when Jaffar gets exasperated with the Sultan and did I mention how much I love this scene?
-Also, Jaffar's perv face. The best face.
And all the medieval Persian poetry tropes he spouts about ze pwinzezz. GDI. I AM SORRY BUT I AM HAVING HISTORYGASMS AND PERSIAGASMS AND COSTUMEGASMS IN ADDITION TO ALL THE CONNIEPORNGASMS.
Speaking of costumegasms, tall gorgeous perfectly draped androgynous ladyhipped guygasms, sabregasms, sabre chain gasms and I JUST
WHY IN THE FUCK WAS HE AN ART NOUVEAU DRAWING
-I would still kill to see all the stuff they cut out from between the bits where Ahmad looks happy to see Jaffar and when he realises he's evolz and bad shit starts to go down and Ahmad asks for a sword. Because it'd mean moar Connie, obvs. He is fucking magnificent in the bits that remain, of course. All that fucking amazing slow motion acting. *sigh* (No, that gif is not slowed down; it's the same framerate as the movie.)
-I also love Sabu's acting when Jaffar curses Abu. He really looks like there's some giant heavy weight upon his back crushing him into the ground. Yes, I am able to pay attention to things that aren't Jaffar's eyes... at least when they aren't dominating the screen. JFC, Connie.
-Aaaaah! She is just so sensual and sexy and heartbreaking and gorgeous when she tosses and turns on the bed! And it is adorbz when Ahmad wakes her. Also, I am starting to get too drunktired to cap and oh fuck, I may actually fall asleep before I make it to the end of the movie. *sobs* So you just get my evil version where it is indeed Jaffar who wakes her.
JUNE, THIS WAS A FAMILY MOVIE. Although it's not like Connie was doing family movie acting with his constant perving either. Her faces are so sexual this entire scene is basically a goldmine for manip headshots, seriously. And she does that little kissyface before "why have you come" again! <3
-Did I mention the music? *sigh* And how pretty she is when she angsts?
-I am struggling so hard not to clip out her line at Halima: "TAKE ME!" and splice it after Jaffar's "Love ze haz yet zu leern". Seriously.
-Jaffar's pimp ship, though. Seriously.
-OH NO. ENTER THE DOGFUCKER.
"How do you find your dog's life? Hmm?"
WAS NOTHING SAFE?!? THE PORN "HMM". SERIOUSLY. *sob* That is exactly the voice with which I imagine him crooning filth in ze pwinzezz's ear.
-*in complete fucking flaily pieces over "ALWAYS JAFFAR" and everything*
-And oh, Ahmad. Why can't you see Abu is your OTP? And I am really trying not to think of kinky contexts for that dog collar/leash. And Ahmad, you are such a drama queeny dick at him :( "Is there nothing for you without her?" YOU BASTARD. JUST GO OFF AND BE GAY TOGETHER ALREADY AND LEAVE JAFFAR AND ZE PWINZEZZ TO FUCK ON THAT SHIP.
-Ahhhh, the harem babes tucking her into that dress and preparing her. Not that this scene has launched a thousand lesbian orgy wank fantasies in my brain or anything. Nope. Not at all. (Costume porn, though!)
-DID I MENTION THE COSTUME PORN? BEHOLD. MR. DEEP HARD WIZARDFUCK HAS ENTERED.
I seriously love that costume so hard. Jaffar the bridegroom! *curls up in a ball and cries at his thwarted evil love*
DID I MENTION THE COSTUMES AND ALSO HOW FUCKING HANDSOME HE LOOKS IN THAT SECOND ONE AND ALSO FALCON FEELS FOR THE FIRST ONE AND ;________;
Also raise your hand if, at the moment she shouts "It's Ahmad!" you shout "FUCK AHMAD!" because reasons. *sigh*
-VINND! Oh, Connie. Your ham is MAGNIFICENT. The moment the wind first catches his sleeves, though. And he just stands there, magnificent. If this moment isn't pure movie magic, I don't know what is.
-LOVE ME, FEAR ME, DO AS I SAY AND I WILL BE YOUR SLAVE.
-And that shot--which I'm not going to stick a gif of here because it's huge--where Jaffar first steps through the ruined garden's gate like some black bird of ill omen... *sigh* it's straight out of a Dulac illustration. THE BEAUTY OF THIS MOVIE.
-Also, how does he have the actual eyes of a cat and I... I AM NOT COPING WITH THIS AND HIS CONSTANT BLOCKAGE OF THE WIZARDCOCK D:
-Okay, so you do get one ridiculously huge gif. Because Jaffar just WALKED UP SOME FUCKING STAIRS. AND HAD SILKS. AND HAD A BODY. AND A SWORD. AND A CLOAK. AND THINGS. DAMN YOU, VEIDT.
-NGL, I still love the fact that we can have a villain who builds living sex dolls to kill anyone standing in his way of boning hot bitches.
-Actually, no. I'm skipping The Abu Movie because I'm too tired. I'm just going to go straight for the utter heartbreak of the blue rose scene. DO YER WORST.
-NONONO. I AM NOT DEALING. I AM NOT DEALING WITH HIS HOPEFUL BESOTTED FACE ;__;
-AND THEN THEY FUCKED ON THAT BIG PERSIAN RUG UNTIL THEIR KNEES WERE RAW
-Oh, Ahmad, you drama queen. WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ROOT FOR YOU AND NOT FOR JAFFAR?
-CONNIE. CAN YOU NOT FUCKING TREMBLE AND WIBBLE THAT MUCH BECAUSE IT IS PAINFUL TO WATCH D:
NO. JUST FUCKING NO
And this is where the movie ends, basically.
AND THEY UNFED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
*collapses and writhes in Jaffar feels, though*