Jesus fucking Christ
There's been talk of sword fetishes on my flist lately and, um. Since I'm a terrible masowhore and totally failing at writing today, I decided to start rewatching the dreadful Under The Red Robe and... yeah. Now, okay, I am the first to admit I have an unhealthy sexual fetish for swept-hilt rapiers. They are the sexiest fucking swords ever made, as far as I'm concerned. They're swishy and elegant and deadly and just gorgeous in so many ways. Every time I see one I want to just fucking lick it. But. There is a sword porn shot in this film that's just fucking taking the piss. Our antihero is supposed to be a bit contemplative, but it turns pretty fucking NSFW pretty fucking quickly...
WHY, GOD, WHY?
And that's not just sword porn. It's elegant long fingers porn. It's catlike sensuality porn. It's tall skinny bloke porn. It's 17th century costume porn. The only thing that's fail about it is the stupid wig, but fuckit. Maybe porn isn't porn if it doesn't involve stupid hairstyles, right? I am hypnotised by this arsehole's hands. HYPNOTISED.
As I said on Tumblr, I am sorry for ever calling Connie bisexual. That doesn't even begin to cover it. I really hope it was as good for the sword as it was for him.
ETA: it's 13 minutes in, check for yourselves. But don't say I didn't warn you. He keeps going and going, too.
WHY, GOD, WHY?
And that's not just sword porn. It's elegant long fingers porn. It's catlike sensuality porn. It's tall skinny bloke porn. It's 17th century costume porn. The only thing that's fail about it is the stupid wig, but fuckit. Maybe porn isn't porn if it doesn't involve stupid hairstyles, right? I am hypnotised by this arsehole's hands. HYPNOTISED.
As I said on Tumblr, I am sorry for ever calling Connie bisexual. That doesn't even begin to cover it. I really hope it was as good for the sword as it was for him.
ETA: it's 13 minutes in, check for yourselves. But don't say I didn't warn you. He keeps going and going, too.