The Celestial Toymaker
-Watchin' Toymaker. Um, I don't know how I made it to the end. Probably because of the bits and pieces of the Toymaker himself being cool, but mostly it was pain, sad to say. The following review may contain copious amounts of snark, but this totally deserves it. EVEN IF THE TOYMAKER IS AFTER ONE'S TIMEARSE.
Ep 1:
It's hard work as the audio quality is so rubbish I have to keep checking the transcript all the time because I can't make out what everyone's saying. Thankfully the one I found is really good and fills up a lot of the gaps when it comes to missing material.
-I like the Toymaker already, but so far most of the dialogue has consisted of "hey, let's explain everything we are doing and why we are doing it, even if it sounds really clunky", which is a bit eh. Yes, even for family telly.
-The Toymaker is badass, by the way.
-Ok, so, yeah, this is pretty dodgy. The Toymaker knows the Doctor from before and taunts him with things he knows about him and he wants to make the Doctor his toy forever. So they can play all sorts of amusing games. Not slashy. No. Not an ex. No. Not at all.
CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Good. I hope that the time you have spent dabbling in your researches 'round the universe hasn't dulled you. I need you.
DOCTOR: You need me?
CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Yes. I'm bored. I love to play games, but there's no one to play against. The beings who call here have no minds and so they become my toys, hmm! But you will become my perpetual opponent. We shall play endless games together - your brain against mine.
Yeah, slash on a stick with a Mandarin frock on.
-Dear god, I want to smack these clowns. Hard. And the obstacle course game goes on forever. WHY DOES THE DIALOGUE HAVE TO TELL US WHAT WE ARE SEEING? Even with a minimum amount of pictures, it's facepalm-worthy. "I am doing this! And now you are like this! And I feel that this situation is like this, in case you had not noticed what just happened!"
Ep 2:
-"Doctor, let me just repeat to you what we established in the first episode three times. You and your friends won't get back to the TARDIS unless you play my games, muahhahahahahaha. Why the fuck you would be so stupid as to even play them, I have no idea. You must be desperate to get a season's worth of episodes."
-Toymaker: "I am now holding a deck of PLAYING CARDS. I think I need to set the Hearts on Steven and Dodo. They're good opponents."
-People dressed as the King and Queen of Hearts appear. You know, looking like PLAYING CARDS.
-Dodo: "Oh, look, these people are PLAYING CARDS. In case no-one has noticed this yet. We shall play our next game with a couple of playing cards! Did you know? We have to repeat every concept in this four times just to make sure."
-Queen of Hearts: "BTW, we are doomed to be PLAYING CARDS."
-Steven constantly tells Dodo to shut up. She's useless, I know, but Steven's still such a condescending macho prat at times. Meh.
-Yes, I know I should've watched something else, but I'm determined to finish watching this. Um, why is this supposed to be brilliant? Is it just because it's the first time Who went really surreal or something? It drags like hell and everything's so damn repetitive. And I *like* old telly and can usually take slow-moving plots and multiple-part serials as long as the writing is good, so it's not like I'm some n00b who's moaning about old telly for the wrong reasons. They really do explain everything a million times and it's like a broken record.
-"Dodo, I am now going to be a condescending twat once more and tell you off for being shit and tell you the rules of the game again. We already went over them several times and saw what happened, but I guess more repetition won't hurt. Remember? Don't fuck things up. Remember? We must not fail. We've got to find the TARDIS and these chairs are dangerous, BTW. Remember? Dodo, you're an idiot. Remember?" AAAAAAAAAARGH. *throws killer chairs at their heads*
-*Toymaker tries to kill Steven and Dodo with killer chairs once more*
-Dodo: "Steven, do you think the Toymaker really is ebil and wants to kill us?"
-Steven: "What do you think, bitch? We've got to get out of here and by the way, we need to find the TARDIS in order to do that! Did you know?"
-Dodo: *is thick and blurts stuff out*
-Steven: "Damn, woman, you're thick."
-Dodo: *is thick again and sits in a killer chair out of spite and freezes her arse* Okay, Dodo is officially dumber than Jo. And I see that this was just an excuse to get Steven to rip her out of the freezing chair so they could have a cuddle. "Not that I give a shit about you, Dodo, but the Doctor would've never forgiven me if anything had happened to you."
-King and Queen: *ambling about stupidly* "We should sit in one of those killer chairs now. TOGETHER. THIS SHOWS HOW MUCH WE LOVE EACH OTHER." And then they die. Wow. Touching. I am weeping here.
-I like the idea of the Toymaker using the phone on the TARDIS door to call Steven and Dodo. So, basically, the Toymaker and the basic idea are the only good things in this so far. It's a shame, because, dude. This has so much potential and Michael Gough is good. No wonder fanboys love to put him into books and audios and stuff. God knows I'd want to, just to try and do him justice. Well, at least The Mind Robber did this kind of thing *brilliantly* a couple of years later.
Ep 3:
Dodo: "I am scared, waaah."
Steven: "I am manly. Follow me."
Dodo: "WAAAH".
Sgt. Rugg: "I am unable to formulate a sentence without the phrase 'me lad'. Or to stop going on about how I want to make a man out of Steven. Or beat him up. Or to have hot gay mansex with him, since I am obsessed with male bondage. I mean bonding."
Steven: *is upset and manly at Sgt. Rugg*
Dodo: "You can't have it both ways, you know." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. "This is no time to explore your bisexual side. Here. Look at my boobs. They are very perky and pointy, aren't they? This is why I chose this top."
It's a bit silly that all the other players are a bit useless. I don't mean stormtrooper useless, but they aren't particularily menacing or useless in an interesting way. They mostly just stand there and bitch a bit, or wander around a little, not doing much. No wonder the Toymaker gets bored. And yeah, this goes right with the structure of the episodes, it seems. Most of it is Steven and Dodo getting a task and wandering around aimlessly, desperately trying to stretch the tasks out in order to fill a 25-minute episode. God *damn* it, it's perfectly possible to do filler material that's actually interesting and long chases and escape-get captured-escape-get captured plots and wander around corridors without being this headdesk-inducingly dull. THAT'S WHAT WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT. I mean, stuff happens, but there's not much variation to it and it gets done over and over again. Steven rummages through stuff in a room. Then he rummages through stuff that's on a table. Then he rummages under the table. This is the extent of the variation in the plot. This is worse than a chronic hysteresis, seriously. Nothing happens, or when it happens, it's the same thing in a slightly different guise. Bring back Bob Baker and Dave Martin, all is forgiven.
-Lololol, domestic argument as a plot device. This is so jolly and heart-warming. "Dodo, you silly cow, you are still thinking they are real! Shut up, bitch!"
-Meanwhile, the domestic argument still continues. Dodo still tries to stop the couple from arguing: "I'm sure you'll hurt him with that broom!" *headdesk*
-Oh, and the argument is still going on.
-Finally, they move on. Into a ballroom. It forces you to dance. That's it, Steven. Boogie or *die*.
Toymaker: "By the way, Doctor, this game will end when you've reached your 1023rd move. We have mentioned this several times over three episodes, but you're a senile old fuck, so I thought I'd remind you. It gives me another chance to smirk and be a dastardly bitch. Does this Chinese robe make my arse look big?"
-A killer doll grabs Steven and forces him to dance. Dodo is upset and Steven yells that he can't do anything, that he's being held in a grip of steel. So, of course, Dodo makes a dash across the dance floor, because this is totally sensible. And gets caught by another killer doll. When do they give out Darwin Awards, then?
-Dodo: "lol, the arguing sergeant and the cook lady were funny, lololol, even if they tried to kill us, lololol."
-Steven: "Really, you are as thick as pigshit, aren't you? Shut up, and let's move along."
-The Toymaker is right, though. There's nothing more evil than a schoolkid. Nothing. Ever. This, I totally agree with.
-I love how Steven and Dodo are in a dangerous maze that's manipulated by someone completely evil, yet they constantly follow his signposts and riddles. Really. If an evil celestial being painted an arrow on the wall and said START HERE, I would walk in the opposite direction. But they choose to follow it. It's brilliant, because they keep doing this over and over again, even if Certain Death(TM) awaits.
-Hey, Cyril The Schoolboy seems actually menacing. This is good.
Steven: "You'll feel my hand in a minute." Nnnnnyeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss. This is laden with double entendres, this is.
-And of course, Dodo thinks Cyril doesn't mean any harm. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. I can see why they killed her off in the spinoff novels, now.
Ep 4:
-Thank god, the last episode. And at least there's surviving video. I hope this helps make it less dull. She said, warily.
-TARDIS Hopscotch. What.
-Hahaha, electrocution tiem. Yeah, Cyril The Schoolboy is good.
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, yes. Steven and Dodo have their own chairs in the dollhouse. HA.
-Oh, Steven and Dodo, you are still such fucking idiots for obeying the rules even if everyone else is always cheating. You think that you would've learned by now, but no. And I want to *strangle* Dodo for going "He's right, Steven. We must play fair. After all, we are two to one." AAAARGH.
Toymaker: "Your friends are tiring, Doctor." You don't say. Oooh, and he is so bored that he makes the Doctor talk again because Hartnell's back from his holiday. "I have given you back your voice. Now you are sulking, or have you forgotten how to speak?" Look, he makes even phrases like that sound flirty. Doctor: "During this game, you have spent a great deal of time trying to break my concentration". Yeah, we know. Your arse must be black and blue from the Toymaker pinching it every time he passes.
*Toymaker outta nowhere* "Don't you like my little game?" *JAZZ HANDS OF EVIL* Oooh. HE IS GREAT EVEN IF EVERYTHING ELSE IS LAME.
Steven: "I'm going to see if there's an invisible barrier around his backside." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
-And Cyril is going BOOO HOO and completely bullshitting and Dodo is still going "WE HAVE TO HELP HIM". AAAAAAAAAAAARGH. *stabstabstabstab* I'm glad Cyril exploded, but they should've asploded her too. Jesus. She's so stupid she even jumps into the slippery powder that just made Cyril fall over and explode. Aaaaaargh.
-One just mocked the Toymaker by waggling his finger in his nose, almost poking it. Oh, One.
Toymaker: "Only I can win. If I lose, the Doctor and I will go down together." Yeah, bitter ex. "By the way, Doctor, you're old and you can't get it up any more." Steven: "Is it true?:(" Toymaker: "Tell them the truth, Doctor. Hide nothing." Ahahahahahahaha.
One: "It's a matter of a battle of our brains". There you go. Told ya. The Toymaker is only after some hawt Time Lord mindsex.
-Steven wants to lay his hands on the Toymaker. Yes. We know. And One's all "fuck off back into the TARDIS, kids, I'll deal with him." Because he knows he can only defeat the Toymaker with his cock-fu.
Toymaker: "Doctor, I offer you power. Power to corrupt, to destroy. Think of the exhilaration of that power. Serve me and live. Bend over and take a deep breath, I have the lube."
One: "Never! Never, my friend." *harrumphgiggles* "I've heard that one before." AND AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *GIGGLE* "YOU HAVE BEEN DEFEATED". AND HE MAKES A GHETTO GESTURE AT THE TOYMAKER. SUCK ON IT, BITCH. THIS MAKES UP FOR SO MUCH. YES. YES. YES. I HAVE MISSED YOU, THUG HARTNELL.
I had to pause to make some icons to commemorate this occasion:
-OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD STOP IT WITH THE SLASH OH GOD. One and the Toymaker are gazing into each other's eyes and smirking and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.
-And what exactly happens when Dodo and Steven are in the TARDIS, going "WTF"? When the Doctor comes in later, looking defeated? WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT GAP THERE? And the Doctor is all wistful about the Toymaker being thousands of years old, immortal and how he never dies. I'm pretty sure he enjoyed those games the last time he was there.
-Hahahahahaha, that was a simple solution. Doctor, you are such a bitch. But at least it was amusing. And he knows he'll meet the Toymaker again. "The mind is indestructible. So is the Toymaker." MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
"But you defeated him!" "Yes, just at this moment, but there will be other meetings, in another time." OMG HE IS DOOMED.
-Oh, Dodo, you're such an idiot. "LOL, SWEETS I GOT FROM A BAD GUY. DOCTOR, EAT THESE". Ha, and all he does is break his toof.
Yeah. In summary: totally not what it's cracked up to be. Mostly made me lose the will to live. Only the Toymaker'n'Doctor bits were any good, really, and there weren't that many of them. I almost wish I hadn't watched that now, because I didn't want to kick Dodo off a cliff before. But now I do. She's right in my top five most useless/annoying companions now, and the competition is pretty tough. And Steven was at his most condescending. Even if it's a crap script that makes the characters rubbish, I know, I know. But dear god, I'm pretty sure I am not going to rewatch that ever again. OTOH, now I know the Doctor's got yet one more ex who wants to trap him in a world of his own making and who wants to offer him unimaginable power if he becomes his boytoy. But that doesn't quite make up for the lame bits. It's... it wasn't even typical "we must produce an x number of episodes of 25 minutes each" dull, but the fact that the writers really thought they could get away with the repetition and the stupid was more disappointing than anything else because nothing much happened. And I really say this as someone who doesn't mind slow pacing. I do mind it when it makes a Teletubbies episode look like Shakespeare, though. AGAIN! AGAIN!
Anyway, yes. I really ought to go and watch Three vs. pterodactyls now to erase most of this from my brain. Only the Toymaker himself was worth remembering, really.
Ep 1:
It's hard work as the audio quality is so rubbish I have to keep checking the transcript all the time because I can't make out what everyone's saying. Thankfully the one I found is really good and fills up a lot of the gaps when it comes to missing material.
-I like the Toymaker already, but so far most of the dialogue has consisted of "hey, let's explain everything we are doing and why we are doing it, even if it sounds really clunky", which is a bit eh. Yes, even for family telly.
-The Toymaker is badass, by the way.
-Ok, so, yeah, this is pretty dodgy. The Toymaker knows the Doctor from before and taunts him with things he knows about him and he wants to make the Doctor his toy forever. So they can play all sorts of amusing games. Not slashy. No. Not an ex. No. Not at all.
CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Good. I hope that the time you have spent dabbling in your researches 'round the universe hasn't dulled you. I need you.
DOCTOR: You need me?
CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Yes. I'm bored. I love to play games, but there's no one to play against. The beings who call here have no minds and so they become my toys, hmm! But you will become my perpetual opponent. We shall play endless games together - your brain against mine.
Yeah, slash on a stick with a Mandarin frock on.
-Dear god, I want to smack these clowns. Hard. And the obstacle course game goes on forever. WHY DOES THE DIALOGUE HAVE TO TELL US WHAT WE ARE SEEING? Even with a minimum amount of pictures, it's facepalm-worthy. "I am doing this! And now you are like this! And I feel that this situation is like this, in case you had not noticed what just happened!"
Ep 2:
-"Doctor, let me just repeat to you what we established in the first episode three times. You and your friends won't get back to the TARDIS unless you play my games, muahhahahahahaha. Why the fuck you would be so stupid as to even play them, I have no idea. You must be desperate to get a season's worth of episodes."
-Toymaker: "I am now holding a deck of PLAYING CARDS. I think I need to set the Hearts on Steven and Dodo. They're good opponents."
-People dressed as the King and Queen of Hearts appear. You know, looking like PLAYING CARDS.
-Dodo: "Oh, look, these people are PLAYING CARDS. In case no-one has noticed this yet. We shall play our next game with a couple of playing cards! Did you know? We have to repeat every concept in this four times just to make sure."
-Queen of Hearts: "BTW, we are doomed to be PLAYING CARDS."
-Steven constantly tells Dodo to shut up. She's useless, I know, but Steven's still such a condescending macho prat at times. Meh.
-Yes, I know I should've watched something else, but I'm determined to finish watching this. Um, why is this supposed to be brilliant? Is it just because it's the first time Who went really surreal or something? It drags like hell and everything's so damn repetitive. And I *like* old telly and can usually take slow-moving plots and multiple-part serials as long as the writing is good, so it's not like I'm some n00b who's moaning about old telly for the wrong reasons. They really do explain everything a million times and it's like a broken record.
-"Dodo, I am now going to be a condescending twat once more and tell you off for being shit and tell you the rules of the game again. We already went over them several times and saw what happened, but I guess more repetition won't hurt. Remember? Don't fuck things up. Remember? We must not fail. We've got to find the TARDIS and these chairs are dangerous, BTW. Remember? Dodo, you're an idiot. Remember?" AAAAAAAAAARGH. *throws killer chairs at their heads*
-*Toymaker tries to kill Steven and Dodo with killer chairs once more*
-Dodo: "Steven, do you think the Toymaker really is ebil and wants to kill us?"
-Steven: "What do you think, bitch? We've got to get out of here and by the way, we need to find the TARDIS in order to do that! Did you know?"
-Dodo: *is thick and blurts stuff out*
-Steven: "Damn, woman, you're thick."
-Dodo: *is thick again and sits in a killer chair out of spite and freezes her arse* Okay, Dodo is officially dumber than Jo. And I see that this was just an excuse to get Steven to rip her out of the freezing chair so they could have a cuddle. "Not that I give a shit about you, Dodo, but the Doctor would've never forgiven me if anything had happened to you."
-King and Queen: *ambling about stupidly* "We should sit in one of those killer chairs now. TOGETHER. THIS SHOWS HOW MUCH WE LOVE EACH OTHER." And then they die. Wow. Touching. I am weeping here.
-I like the idea of the Toymaker using the phone on the TARDIS door to call Steven and Dodo. So, basically, the Toymaker and the basic idea are the only good things in this so far. It's a shame, because, dude. This has so much potential and Michael Gough is good. No wonder fanboys love to put him into books and audios and stuff. God knows I'd want to, just to try and do him justice. Well, at least The Mind Robber did this kind of thing *brilliantly* a couple of years later.
Ep 3:
Dodo: "I am scared, waaah."
Steven: "I am manly. Follow me."
Dodo: "WAAAH".
Sgt. Rugg: "I am unable to formulate a sentence without the phrase 'me lad'. Or to stop going on about how I want to make a man out of Steven. Or beat him up. Or to have hot gay mansex with him, since I am obsessed with male bondage. I mean bonding."
Steven: *is upset and manly at Sgt. Rugg*
Dodo: "You can't have it both ways, you know." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. "This is no time to explore your bisexual side. Here. Look at my boobs. They are very perky and pointy, aren't they? This is why I chose this top."
It's a bit silly that all the other players are a bit useless. I don't mean stormtrooper useless, but they aren't particularily menacing or useless in an interesting way. They mostly just stand there and bitch a bit, or wander around a little, not doing much. No wonder the Toymaker gets bored. And yeah, this goes right with the structure of the episodes, it seems. Most of it is Steven and Dodo getting a task and wandering around aimlessly, desperately trying to stretch the tasks out in order to fill a 25-minute episode. God *damn* it, it's perfectly possible to do filler material that's actually interesting and long chases and escape-get captured-escape-get captured plots and wander around corridors without being this headdesk-inducingly dull. THAT'S WHAT WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT. I mean, stuff happens, but there's not much variation to it and it gets done over and over again. Steven rummages through stuff in a room. Then he rummages through stuff that's on a table. Then he rummages under the table. This is the extent of the variation in the plot. This is worse than a chronic hysteresis, seriously. Nothing happens, or when it happens, it's the same thing in a slightly different guise. Bring back Bob Baker and Dave Martin, all is forgiven.
-Lololol, domestic argument as a plot device. This is so jolly and heart-warming. "Dodo, you silly cow, you are still thinking they are real! Shut up, bitch!"
-Meanwhile, the domestic argument still continues. Dodo still tries to stop the couple from arguing: "I'm sure you'll hurt him with that broom!" *headdesk*
-Oh, and the argument is still going on.
-Finally, they move on. Into a ballroom. It forces you to dance. That's it, Steven. Boogie or *die*.
Toymaker: "By the way, Doctor, this game will end when you've reached your 1023rd move. We have mentioned this several times over three episodes, but you're a senile old fuck, so I thought I'd remind you. It gives me another chance to smirk and be a dastardly bitch. Does this Chinese robe make my arse look big?"
-A killer doll grabs Steven and forces him to dance. Dodo is upset and Steven yells that he can't do anything, that he's being held in a grip of steel. So, of course, Dodo makes a dash across the dance floor, because this is totally sensible. And gets caught by another killer doll. When do they give out Darwin Awards, then?
-Dodo: "lol, the arguing sergeant and the cook lady were funny, lololol, even if they tried to kill us, lololol."
-Steven: "Really, you are as thick as pigshit, aren't you? Shut up, and let's move along."
-The Toymaker is right, though. There's nothing more evil than a schoolkid. Nothing. Ever. This, I totally agree with.
-I love how Steven and Dodo are in a dangerous maze that's manipulated by someone completely evil, yet they constantly follow his signposts and riddles. Really. If an evil celestial being painted an arrow on the wall and said START HERE, I would walk in the opposite direction. But they choose to follow it. It's brilliant, because they keep doing this over and over again, even if Certain Death(TM) awaits.
-Hey, Cyril The Schoolboy seems actually menacing. This is good.
Steven: "You'll feel my hand in a minute." Nnnnnyeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss. This is laden with double entendres, this is.
-And of course, Dodo thinks Cyril doesn't mean any harm. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. I can see why they killed her off in the spinoff novels, now.
Ep 4:
-Thank god, the last episode. And at least there's surviving video. I hope this helps make it less dull. She said, warily.
-TARDIS Hopscotch. What.
-Hahaha, electrocution tiem. Yeah, Cyril The Schoolboy is good.
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, yes. Steven and Dodo have their own chairs in the dollhouse. HA.
-Oh, Steven and Dodo, you are still such fucking idiots for obeying the rules even if everyone else is always cheating. You think that you would've learned by now, but no. And I want to *strangle* Dodo for going "He's right, Steven. We must play fair. After all, we are two to one." AAAARGH.
Toymaker: "Your friends are tiring, Doctor." You don't say. Oooh, and he is so bored that he makes the Doctor talk again because Hartnell's back from his holiday. "I have given you back your voice. Now you are sulking, or have you forgotten how to speak?" Look, he makes even phrases like that sound flirty. Doctor: "During this game, you have spent a great deal of time trying to break my concentration". Yeah, we know. Your arse must be black and blue from the Toymaker pinching it every time he passes.
*Toymaker outta nowhere* "Don't you like my little game?" *JAZZ HANDS OF EVIL* Oooh. HE IS GREAT EVEN IF EVERYTHING ELSE IS LAME.
Steven: "I'm going to see if there's an invisible barrier around his backside." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
-And Cyril is going BOOO HOO and completely bullshitting and Dodo is still going "WE HAVE TO HELP HIM". AAAAAAAAAAAARGH. *stabstabstabstab* I'm glad Cyril exploded, but they should've asploded her too. Jesus. She's so stupid she even jumps into the slippery powder that just made Cyril fall over and explode. Aaaaaargh.
-One just mocked the Toymaker by waggling his finger in his nose, almost poking it. Oh, One.
Toymaker: "Only I can win. If I lose, the Doctor and I will go down together." Yeah, bitter ex. "By the way, Doctor, you're old and you can't get it up any more." Steven: "Is it true?:(" Toymaker: "Tell them the truth, Doctor. Hide nothing." Ahahahahahahaha.
One: "It's a matter of a battle of our brains". There you go. Told ya. The Toymaker is only after some hawt Time Lord mindsex.
-Steven wants to lay his hands on the Toymaker. Yes. We know. And One's all "fuck off back into the TARDIS, kids, I'll deal with him." Because he knows he can only defeat the Toymaker with his cock-fu.
Toymaker: "Doctor, I offer you power. Power to corrupt, to destroy. Think of the exhilaration of that power. Serve me and live. Bend over and take a deep breath, I have the lube."
One: "Never! Never, my friend." *harrumphgiggles* "I've heard that one before." AND AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *GIGGLE* "YOU HAVE BEEN DEFEATED". AND HE MAKES A GHETTO GESTURE AT THE TOYMAKER. SUCK ON IT, BITCH. THIS MAKES UP FOR SO MUCH. YES. YES. YES. I HAVE MISSED YOU, THUG HARTNELL.
I had to pause to make some icons to commemorate this occasion:
-OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD STOP IT WITH THE SLASH OH GOD. One and the Toymaker are gazing into each other's eyes and smirking and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.
-And what exactly happens when Dodo and Steven are in the TARDIS, going "WTF"? When the Doctor comes in later, looking defeated? WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT GAP THERE? And the Doctor is all wistful about the Toymaker being thousands of years old, immortal and how he never dies. I'm pretty sure he enjoyed those games the last time he was there.
-Hahahahahaha, that was a simple solution. Doctor, you are such a bitch. But at least it was amusing. And he knows he'll meet the Toymaker again. "The mind is indestructible. So is the Toymaker." MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
"But you defeated him!" "Yes, just at this moment, but there will be other meetings, in another time." OMG HE IS DOOMED.
-Oh, Dodo, you're such an idiot. "LOL, SWEETS I GOT FROM A BAD GUY. DOCTOR, EAT THESE". Ha, and all he does is break his toof.
Yeah. In summary: totally not what it's cracked up to be. Mostly made me lose the will to live. Only the Toymaker'n'Doctor bits were any good, really, and there weren't that many of them. I almost wish I hadn't watched that now, because I didn't want to kick Dodo off a cliff before. But now I do. She's right in my top five most useless/annoying companions now, and the competition is pretty tough. And Steven was at his most condescending. Even if it's a crap script that makes the characters rubbish, I know, I know. But dear god, I'm pretty sure I am not going to rewatch that ever again. OTOH, now I know the Doctor's got yet one more ex who wants to trap him in a world of his own making and who wants to offer him unimaginable power if he becomes his boytoy. But that doesn't quite make up for the lame bits. It's... it wasn't even typical "we must produce an x number of episodes of 25 minutes each" dull, but the fact that the writers really thought they could get away with the repetition and the stupid was more disappointing than anything else because nothing much happened. And I really say this as someone who doesn't mind slow pacing. I do mind it when it makes a Teletubbies episode look like Shakespeare, though. AGAIN! AGAIN!
Anyway, yes. I really ought to go and watch Three vs. pterodactyls now to erase most of this from my brain. Only the Toymaker himself was worth remembering, really.