ADAW 5/52 - Determine
I'm using a picture of Sofie because she's my most wish-fulfillment-y character, and identity and wish fulfillment seem very related to me. After some interesting conversations this week, I decided to write about how I "determined" my internet name. I don't usually talk about my personal life online, and it's not related to my doll story, so please feel free to skip if you'd like!
So, once upon a time, an indeterminate amount of time ago, little baby me went off to college. My high school boyfriend and I broke up nearly instantly, which meant that I knew no one in the cold white north where I'd arrived at school. I grew up in a warm southern town, and in looking at colleges, my criteria were A) that my high school boyfriend could get into a nearby school with his subpar grades, and B) that it would snow. You see, I loved snow as a kid, because any amount of snow meant that we would get off of school, and I liked having days off. I figured that schools in snowy places just had more days off. If you grew up in a snowy place, you are certainly laughing by now.
Winter rolled around and I was super depressed and it snowed two feet in one night. While it was snowing, the snow was beautiful, and the usually noisy student block where I lived was peaceful and quiet. The next day, we did shockingly have a day off from classes, and also I had no clean underwear. I put on jeans and sweatpants over my jeans and two sweatshirts and a scarf and a coat and sneakers, because I didn't actually own snowboots yet, and I shoveled out the basement entrance to the only student laundromat, across the street. As I was shoveling, one of the officers from the Army recruitment center on the corner walked by to get coffee from the 7-11. On his way back, he asked, "Have you ever considered joining the Army?" I told him I had decided against it, but thank you very much.
By the time I was finished it was quite late in the day. The snow that had been pretty in the morning was now city gray, churned into chunks that looked like cookie dough, reminding me of the delicious food I didn't have because I lived in a dorm and had to walk all the way across campus to get food. I ran my laundry and sat in the stairwell, feeling sorry for myself and contemplating the many ways snow had disappointed me. And also my need for a new AIM screenname.
When I was a child, I had a homemade Snow White costume that I loved and wore everywhere. I decided my new screenname would represent my newfound cynicism about my hopes and aspirations. I would no longer be Snow White! I would be snowgray. With no capital letters, for a double dose of depression.
I haven't lived the past indeterminate number of years under a cloud of sadness, though. My username has stayed because the flipside of all the snow turning gray is that there is snow in the first place. In all my years up here, I haven't stopped thinking snow is beautiful. I still like to be outside when the sky is blank and the city's groans are muffled, even though I know what will happen later. I still put my pajamas on inside out the night before a storm.
So, there you have it. My username, 50% optimism and 50% cynicism.