Nothing of Anything Part 4
Part 1 ~ Part 2 ~ Part 3
A harsh knock cut through Maddie’s excited chatter. Jeannie hushed her, telling her to finish her PB&J before leaving the kitchen to get the door.
“John! Well, this is a surprise.” She automatically looked over his shoulder for Rodney, but he wasn’t there.
“Where’s Rodney?” Jeannie asked as her eyes returned to John, taking in his dress uniform and his frozen features. “Colonel?” she asked, taking a step back.
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s not-- But-- No.” She took another step back, holding the edge of the door so tightly it turned her knuckles white.
“I--” John had to swallow, to make room around the lump in his throat. “Jeannie.”
“No. No!” She yelled the last in his face, and he reached out to place a hand on her shoulder.
“I’m so sorry.”
“No!” Jeannie threw off his hand, smacking his shoulder. Then she started screaming louder, smacking him, pushing and shoving, while he stood his ground.
She was probably yelling nonsense by now, she couldn’t seem to stop but she was getting her point across loud and clear. Jeannie's fists wound down after a while but she was still shaking, clutching John’s jacket, up close in his space. John's arms, previously up in order to keep her from doing any real damage, closed around her shoulders, holding her close.
John hurt, just doing this, just being near Rodney's newly-not-estranged sister, feeling her fall apart in his arms, and this could have been it, the moment he finally cracked, too. It could have been, because he knew it would happen, he kind of needed it, but she didn't know and he didn't have the right to grieve with her. Maybe, if he'd had the courage to tell Rodney, maybe Jeannie and he would be in this together, but they weren't. He was Rodney’s friend, nothing more, and he’d just told her that her brother was gone.
Over her shoulder he saw hesitant movement and Kaleb came into focus, brows drawn down in concern. He looked between them, and John saw him reach the right conclusion. John kind of silently begged him not to steal Jeannie from him yet. Kaleb gave him a tight nod and backed away, into the kitchen.
By the time Jeannie pulled herself away there was a wet spot on his jacket big enough that it seeped through and he could feel it on his shoulder. She had a mark where the corner of a metal decoration dug into her jaw. She sniffled loudly, wiping hastily at her cheeks and eyes, and moved back, leaving him there on the threshold as she wandered over to sit on the couch. She tucked her feet under her and reached for the tissues on a side table. When she spoke her voice was broken and rough and not entirely kind. “Come in.”
John closed the door behind him and sat stiffly in the chair across from her.
~*~
No place on Earth had ever felt much like home, but standing on the outskirts of Rodney’s funeral made him wish it was. If Earth was home he could quit, move back to Earth, and at least know he was on the same planet as Rodney. He kept his distance, not really hearing the words but knowing that he couldn’t hold it together if he moved any closer. Jeannie was crying again, hanging on to Kaleb’s arm, Maddie at a babysitter's. There were more people attending than he’d really expected. Most likely old colleagues. Sam and Daniel managed to show up for an hour but there was nothing for John to say to them.
Though it might not always have looked that way, Rodney was the best friend John had ever had. Rodney knew him better than he’d let anyone else know him. Knew him in all but one way. But that wasn’t Rodney’s fault. John had been too scared to risk the status quo.
Men were nothing new to John, and if pressed he’d even admit he preferred them. Rodney was nothing if not good at pressing. He didn’t mean it maliciously, John knew, and he was sure Rodney would have backed off in a hurry if John had shut down, so two years into their friendship John had explained honestly. And that was the end of it.
At that point Rodney was his best friend but there was nothing more than a low level attraction, the possibility of something that didn’t yet exist. Of course that attraction flared just as soon as Rodney was off the market. The most telling sign that the thing with Katie wasn’t going to last was that nothing really changed. Rodney didn’t talk about her, didn’t bring her along for anything, barely even spent time with her. John still had as much of Rodney as he’d ever had but all of a sudden he wanted more.
John had hoped it was a simple case of wanting what he couldn’t have but the feelings didn’t go away when Katie did. Rodney spent more time with John than he’d ever done before. He even told John about his ‘experimental stage’. He obviously considered himself straight, but John knew all he had to do was make a move and Rodney wouldn’t push him away. But it wasn’t right. Rodney didn’t want him the way he wanted Rodney and chances were good he’d end up in a dead-end, one-sided relationship. It was about the only thing he wasn’t sure their friendship could survive.
Then Jennifer Keller came along and it was nothing like it had been with Katie. Rodney was serious about making it work. It hadn’t, but that year without Rodney constantly by his side had been the hardest ever. He thought about seeing someone, just to take his mind off his missing best friend, but he could never feign interest for long enough. There was nobody but Rodney.
When Rodney and Keller had broken up John had thought, seriously this time, about saying something. Just make the first move. It might never be actual dating but he’d have Rodney, and Rodney might be inconsiderate and rude but he would be positively uptight about not seeing anyone else. It would be just the two of them and Rodney wouldn’t have to love him back, just having him all to himself would be enough. But then Rodney would undoubtedly meet someone he would fall for and he’d be totally forthcoming about wanting to pursue them and he’d leave John. Oh, Rodney would still want to be friends, but John didn’t think he would be able to stand that kind of restriction, just friends, after being able to pretend they’d had so much more. It might break his heart but he’d been set on loving Rodney from afar forever rather than lose him, because there was no way he wouldn't lose Rodney when Rodney didn’t love him that way.
John watched Rodney being lowered into the ground. He watched people leave, the priest shake hands, the cars pull away. He watched Jeannie hold her head high while silent tears coursed down her cheeks and people said their condolences. He stood in the graveyard long after the ceremony.
That night he drank the whole mini-bar in his hotel room and passed out on the floor.
~*~
If it hurt being on Earth for Rodney’s funeral, it was nothing compared to being on Atlantis without him. John floated through his days, only eating when Teyla or Ronon made him, and at night it was becoming increasingly harder to sleep without alcoholic assistance. In the mornings the only thing that could drag him out of bed was knowing that everyone would know how hard he was really being hit by this. He couldn’t lose Atlantis on top of this all.
Woolsey was already asking him for his recommendation on a replacement. Teyla and Ronon had rituals that helped them deal with losing a friend; they also had people supporting them. They missed Rodney but they were done truly grieving. John wasn’t sure he’d really started yet. His professional mindset was deteriorating but he had no one to turn to except them, and they were so far ahead of him in accepting this that sometimes it hurt worse just being near them. Who did you turn to when the person you turned to was the one who was gone?
Ronon was knocking on his door, just the same as he did every day, and Teyla would be at the team table after, same as she was every day. John pulled himself out of bed, pushed a few empty bottles under some dirty laundry, and then let Ronon in.
“You coming?”
“Yeah, yeah, just-” John grabbed his workout clothes and headed into the bathroom.
He pulled on the clothes, brushed the alcohol off his breath, and headed out for a run.
This was the only thing left in his life that didn’t make him feel like he was drowning. Rodney had never run with them so here, feet pounding on the pier with Ronon by his side, the repetition soothing, John could relax. The ghost of his best friend left safely back in the main corridors of Atlantis. He did this every morning, a friendly jog, pushing his limits with Ronon by his side, mocking him on occasion. Every morning. Because nothing much had really changed.
He didn’t know how far they’d run but his legs were numb and he was breathing like the bellows. He was caught off guard as one breath was let out as a sob.
Ronon glanced at him. “You okay?”
John blinked, feeling a cascade of tears fall down his cheek, chest heaving in another sob. The pier swam in front of him and he tripped, skidding on the pavement. He was surprised to find himself gasping, shaking from the force of his tears.
Ronon was pulling him gently from the ground and John couldn’t even protest to being manhandled. Ronon softly brushed away the gravel that had embedded itself in his cheek and then folded John in his arms, where he wept into Ronon’s shoulder.
Part 5 ~ Part 6 ~ Part 7
A harsh knock cut through Maddie’s excited chatter. Jeannie hushed her, telling her to finish her PB&J before leaving the kitchen to get the door.
“John! Well, this is a surprise.” She automatically looked over his shoulder for Rodney, but he wasn’t there.
“Where’s Rodney?” Jeannie asked as her eyes returned to John, taking in his dress uniform and his frozen features. “Colonel?” she asked, taking a step back.
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s not-- But-- No.” She took another step back, holding the edge of the door so tightly it turned her knuckles white.
“I--” John had to swallow, to make room around the lump in his throat. “Jeannie.”
“No. No!” She yelled the last in his face, and he reached out to place a hand on her shoulder.
“I’m so sorry.”
“No!” Jeannie threw off his hand, smacking his shoulder. Then she started screaming louder, smacking him, pushing and shoving, while he stood his ground.
She was probably yelling nonsense by now, she couldn’t seem to stop but she was getting her point across loud and clear. Jeannie's fists wound down after a while but she was still shaking, clutching John’s jacket, up close in his space. John's arms, previously up in order to keep her from doing any real damage, closed around her shoulders, holding her close.
John hurt, just doing this, just being near Rodney's newly-not-estranged sister, feeling her fall apart in his arms, and this could have been it, the moment he finally cracked, too. It could have been, because he knew it would happen, he kind of needed it, but she didn't know and he didn't have the right to grieve with her. Maybe, if he'd had the courage to tell Rodney, maybe Jeannie and he would be in this together, but they weren't. He was Rodney’s friend, nothing more, and he’d just told her that her brother was gone.
Over her shoulder he saw hesitant movement and Kaleb came into focus, brows drawn down in concern. He looked between them, and John saw him reach the right conclusion. John kind of silently begged him not to steal Jeannie from him yet. Kaleb gave him a tight nod and backed away, into the kitchen.
By the time Jeannie pulled herself away there was a wet spot on his jacket big enough that it seeped through and he could feel it on his shoulder. She had a mark where the corner of a metal decoration dug into her jaw. She sniffled loudly, wiping hastily at her cheeks and eyes, and moved back, leaving him there on the threshold as she wandered over to sit on the couch. She tucked her feet under her and reached for the tissues on a side table. When she spoke her voice was broken and rough and not entirely kind. “Come in.”
John closed the door behind him and sat stiffly in the chair across from her.
~*~
No place on Earth had ever felt much like home, but standing on the outskirts of Rodney’s funeral made him wish it was. If Earth was home he could quit, move back to Earth, and at least know he was on the same planet as Rodney. He kept his distance, not really hearing the words but knowing that he couldn’t hold it together if he moved any closer. Jeannie was crying again, hanging on to Kaleb’s arm, Maddie at a babysitter's. There were more people attending than he’d really expected. Most likely old colleagues. Sam and Daniel managed to show up for an hour but there was nothing for John to say to them.
Though it might not always have looked that way, Rodney was the best friend John had ever had. Rodney knew him better than he’d let anyone else know him. Knew him in all but one way. But that wasn’t Rodney’s fault. John had been too scared to risk the status quo.
Men were nothing new to John, and if pressed he’d even admit he preferred them. Rodney was nothing if not good at pressing. He didn’t mean it maliciously, John knew, and he was sure Rodney would have backed off in a hurry if John had shut down, so two years into their friendship John had explained honestly. And that was the end of it.
At that point Rodney was his best friend but there was nothing more than a low level attraction, the possibility of something that didn’t yet exist. Of course that attraction flared just as soon as Rodney was off the market. The most telling sign that the thing with Katie wasn’t going to last was that nothing really changed. Rodney didn’t talk about her, didn’t bring her along for anything, barely even spent time with her. John still had as much of Rodney as he’d ever had but all of a sudden he wanted more.
John had hoped it was a simple case of wanting what he couldn’t have but the feelings didn’t go away when Katie did. Rodney spent more time with John than he’d ever done before. He even told John about his ‘experimental stage’. He obviously considered himself straight, but John knew all he had to do was make a move and Rodney wouldn’t push him away. But it wasn’t right. Rodney didn’t want him the way he wanted Rodney and chances were good he’d end up in a dead-end, one-sided relationship. It was about the only thing he wasn’t sure their friendship could survive.
Then Jennifer Keller came along and it was nothing like it had been with Katie. Rodney was serious about making it work. It hadn’t, but that year without Rodney constantly by his side had been the hardest ever. He thought about seeing someone, just to take his mind off his missing best friend, but he could never feign interest for long enough. There was nobody but Rodney.
When Rodney and Keller had broken up John had thought, seriously this time, about saying something. Just make the first move. It might never be actual dating but he’d have Rodney, and Rodney might be inconsiderate and rude but he would be positively uptight about not seeing anyone else. It would be just the two of them and Rodney wouldn’t have to love him back, just having him all to himself would be enough. But then Rodney would undoubtedly meet someone he would fall for and he’d be totally forthcoming about wanting to pursue them and he’d leave John. Oh, Rodney would still want to be friends, but John didn’t think he would be able to stand that kind of restriction, just friends, after being able to pretend they’d had so much more. It might break his heart but he’d been set on loving Rodney from afar forever rather than lose him, because there was no way he wouldn't lose Rodney when Rodney didn’t love him that way.
John watched Rodney being lowered into the ground. He watched people leave, the priest shake hands, the cars pull away. He watched Jeannie hold her head high while silent tears coursed down her cheeks and people said their condolences. He stood in the graveyard long after the ceremony.
That night he drank the whole mini-bar in his hotel room and passed out on the floor.
~*~
If it hurt being on Earth for Rodney’s funeral, it was nothing compared to being on Atlantis without him. John floated through his days, only eating when Teyla or Ronon made him, and at night it was becoming increasingly harder to sleep without alcoholic assistance. In the mornings the only thing that could drag him out of bed was knowing that everyone would know how hard he was really being hit by this. He couldn’t lose Atlantis on top of this all.
Woolsey was already asking him for his recommendation on a replacement. Teyla and Ronon had rituals that helped them deal with losing a friend; they also had people supporting them. They missed Rodney but they were done truly grieving. John wasn’t sure he’d really started yet. His professional mindset was deteriorating but he had no one to turn to except them, and they were so far ahead of him in accepting this that sometimes it hurt worse just being near them. Who did you turn to when the person you turned to was the one who was gone?
Ronon was knocking on his door, just the same as he did every day, and Teyla would be at the team table after, same as she was every day. John pulled himself out of bed, pushed a few empty bottles under some dirty laundry, and then let Ronon in.
“You coming?”
“Yeah, yeah, just-” John grabbed his workout clothes and headed into the bathroom.
He pulled on the clothes, brushed the alcohol off his breath, and headed out for a run.
This was the only thing left in his life that didn’t make him feel like he was drowning. Rodney had never run with them so here, feet pounding on the pier with Ronon by his side, the repetition soothing, John could relax. The ghost of his best friend left safely back in the main corridors of Atlantis. He did this every morning, a friendly jog, pushing his limits with Ronon by his side, mocking him on occasion. Every morning. Because nothing much had really changed.
He didn’t know how far they’d run but his legs were numb and he was breathing like the bellows. He was caught off guard as one breath was let out as a sob.
Ronon glanced at him. “You okay?”
John blinked, feeling a cascade of tears fall down his cheek, chest heaving in another sob. The pier swam in front of him and he tripped, skidding on the pavement. He was surprised to find himself gasping, shaking from the force of his tears.
Ronon was pulling him gently from the ground and John couldn’t even protest to being manhandled. Ronon softly brushed away the gravel that had embedded itself in his cheek and then folded John in his arms, where he wept into Ronon’s shoulder.
Part 5 ~ Part 6 ~ Part 7