Nothing of Anything Part 2
Part 1
Radek had not gotten enough sleep last night what with Rodney keeping him in the lab until past midnight. At least two AM. He really didn’t want anything more than to go back to his quarters and not open his eyes again for the whole day. But this was somewhat of an unspoken agreement between them; Rodney did the off-world stuff, the disciplining, and the arguing with Woolsey and John over resources and personnel, and Radek made sure the scientists stayed out of his way when possible.
Most of the time this worked well. Radek didn’t like the administrative stuff, and as much as Rodney claimed to hate it as well, he never failed to get them what they needed. He’d also apparently grown to like going off-world, for which Radek was eternally grateful because it meant he rarely had to. But this morning the deal meant Radek was the one who had to meet with the department heads and get updates on their various experiments. With that horrid thought in mind he chugged the rest of his coffee and entered the lab area they had set aside for these meetings.
He was still five minutes early, and how he hated that he was that kind of person. Four hours of sleep and still early. He wandered across the hall to make sure Rodney hadn’t fallen asleep on his keyboard, or worse, was still up and so wired on coffee that he could not tell how messed up his equations were from lack of sleep.
When the lights came up Radek froze. Rodney was laying on the floor, in a strange enough position that he couldn’t have simply fallen asleep, with a strange device that had been in the ‘interesting, look at soon’ pile lying broken next to him. Checking the area for invaders, malfunctioning or malevolent equipment, and pod people (it never hurt to be careful on Atlantis), Radek crept closer.
“McKay?” He scrambled down next to him on the floor, reaching for Rodney’s pulse. It wasn’t there.
“Rodney? McKay?” His voice grew frantic as he checked McKay’s breathing and called the infirmary. “Emergency, Lab 3, Rodney’s lab, yes, hurry, please,” Then he leaned forward to start CPR. He had known it was a good thing for everyone to know how to do, he just never wanted to have to. And now he was frantically trying to keep the right rhythm and remember how many compressions between breaths and fighting the tears that threatened to roll down his face. Not Rodney. Not Rodney.
“God, no. Please.”
~*~
There was a booming knock on the door, “Sheppard!”
John pulled on his workout shirt and grabbed his shoes, opening the door to let Ronon in. “I was just heading out, what--”
Ronon was scowling, his eyes sad. “C’mon.”
John hopped after him, getting his shoes on then jogging after Ronon. “What?” When Ronon didn’t stop John grabbed his arm. “Ronon.” John’s heart was falling, a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. “Ronon?”
“It’s McKay.”
John never ran so fast in his life.
~*~
When he burst into the infirmary he was surprised by the quiet. Hoping that for once in this galaxy something had gone right, John hurried to Keller’s office.
“Where’s R--” He stopped when he saw Keller’s hunched form, shaking in her chair with her head in her hands. She and Rodney weren’t that close anymore, really, but their breakup hadn’t been too bad and John knew they still considered each other friends. Seeing her here, like this, was enough to start him shaking.
“Keller? Wha-?”
Ronon’s hand on his arm stopped him and pulled him from the room.
“Colonel, sir, I’ll take you to Dr. McKay.” The nurse beside Ronon said helpfully, “Mr. Woolsey has already been informed and Dr. Zelenka was the one who alerted us. Teyla’s with him now but Woolsey is waiting on you before he makes any kind of city-wide announcement. He said to tell you to come see him as soon as possible, sir.”
John’s empty stomach was revolting even before he realized they were heading through the doors of what they had made their morgue. Cool air hit him and he blanched as he saw Teyla standing by a covered body. She looked up when they entered, not bothering to hide the tear marks covering her face.
He staggered, just a little bit, before coming to a stop near the body and reaching for the cover. He had to see, wouldn’t believe it until he saw it.
Rodney was pale, skin even lighter than usual, and his face was lax, with the dark sweep of his eyelashes giving the impression that he was in a deep sleep, just waiting for a kiss to wake him from slumber. John always half feared that he would end up blowing himself up or dying of radiation poisoning but there wasn’t a blemish on him. This was worse than anything, just there for team movie night one day and gone in the morning. No show, no good-bye. John reached out a hand and rested it gently on Rodney’s forehead. He was cool, but not yet cold, and John could almost pretend the slowly building warmth was more than just his heat seeping into Rodney’s skin.
He yanked his hand away sharply as the realty of the situation finally hit home and the professional in him took over. Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard was career military. He had lost many good men, some of them friends, a small few almost as important to him as the man lying in front of him, and experience had forged him into this. Into a man who could shove anything aside.
John wanted to crumble to the floor, wanted to scream and cry until his voice stopped working and his eyes burned, wanted to pound his fists into Rodney’s chest and force some life back into him through sheer will. Felt like he was about to be torn apart, blown to bits. Wanted to sink into the floor and cease to feel. He wanted it, needed to lose it, but he couldn’t escape what the military had made him, and, though his mind was throwing a fit, his body stood calm and steady, looking at his best friend in the whole universe, and asked, “How?”
It was Teyla who answered him. “We do not know. Dr. Zelenka called the medical team to Rodney’s lab this morning but apparently Rodney was gone long before Zelenka found him. Dr. Biro is scheduled to perform an autopsy this afternoon.”
He nodded and walked out. He’d skip the run this morning, hurry through a shower and change. He tapped his headset, asking for a report from the head of the night security team. It was already 0645 and if he didn’t get it from the horse’s mouth now, he’d have to get the second-hand report like he did every morning from Lorne.
He got a very flustered report from the lieutenant and fought hard to contain his anger when it all boiled down to nothing. They had nothing. No idea how it had happened. They’d secured the area, Zelenka had a team trying to figure out what it might be, and Dr. Biro was currently working to assure there was no danger to the rest of them.
He knew that they were doing their job, that it wasn’t their fault they didn’t know, but he couldn’t help the anger building up inside him. It was the only emotion he could allow himself right now, the only thing that could keep him moving.
He barked out some orders before entering his quarters to take a perfunctory shower.
~*~
There was a moment before entering Rodney's lab when John thought his knees might buckle, but it was gone quickly as he shoved himself back into a professional frame of mind.
Rodney’s lab was quiet, as close to silent as was possible in the midst of a sort of barely controlled chaos. One of the guards near the door was prepared and handed him a tablet before he could even ask for a report. He took it but barely looked at it. Dr. Biro and her people were packing away a bunch of equipment, so John assumed they found nothing that could cause anyone else harm medically. Zelenka was sitting at Rodney's desk, scrolling through one of two open computers, tapping occasionally on the tablet in his lap. There were at least a dozen other scientists in the room, going through piles of tech or tapping away on a keyboard, but John headed directly toward Zelenka.
“Do we know what happened yet?” he asked, but his voice was harsher than he truly intended.
Radek looked up, his eyes red. “No.”
John couldn't help the way his hand slammed down on the desk. “Did you check what he was working on last night?”
Zelenka narrowed his eyes. “Yes, Colonel, it was the first thing I thought of but is damaged, it never worked to begin with!”
He wanted to throw his hands up and barely kept his voice below a yell. “What about all the other projects here?”
Zelenka slammed the tablet on the table as he stood up. “You do not think we have thought of that? We have found nothing that could have done this! Blown him up, given him radiation poisoning, re-written aspects of his DNA, yes! But nothing like--”
“Well he didn't just fall dead of nothing!”
“I am aware, Colonel!”
“Then do your job and figure it out!” John found himself right up in Zelenka's face. He caught himself, backing away and raising his hands, “I--”
“Colonel.” Zelenka spoke with slow and deliberate calm. “You are not the only one who is hurting now.” He raised a fist and John was abruptly reminded that Radek found Rodney. “Just, please, go. I am doing my best.” Then he fell back onto the chair, swiping a hand angrily over a cheek to catch an escaped tear. John had to look away, breathe deep, and take a mental and physical step back.
“I-- sorry.”
“Leave. You are not helping here.”
He let himself get too close to a breaking point, and he was not ready for that to happen. He couldn't deal with it yet. So he drew himself up and swept out past the guards without another word.
~*~
“You wanted to see me?” John asked at Woolsey’s door.
“Ah, yes, Colonel. I’m sure you’ve been made aware, by now, of Dr. McKay’s, ah--”
John cut him off as he took a seat. “Yeah.”
“Dr. Biro has informed me that she should have the autopsy done and results in by tonight. I thought we could plan on sending Dr. McKay’s body through the gate tomorrow morning. Ronon, Teyla, and Dr. Zelenka have all expressed interest in accompanying him through after the service; I assume you’ll be wanting to go, as well?”
John furrowed his brow. “I know its normal procedure, but Rodney hasn’t considered Earth home for some time now.” And John just didn’t know if he could survive without Rodney nearby. “What about sending him into the sun or something?”
Woolsey sighed and shook his head. “The IOA wouldn’t like it.” Before John could interrupt, he continued, “Besides, I don’t think any of us believe Rodney would have cared much what happened to his body after death.”
John had to concede that point. Rodney never would have believed in some kind of connection with his body. It was empty now, just a shell, and Rodney wouldn’t have been sentimental about it beyond as a centerpiece to cry over during a memorial service.
“And his sister deserves the right to put him to rest.”
John swallowed. Woolsey was right; he didn’t have the right to take that much from her, “fine.”
“Glad we agree, Colonel. Now, I haven’t heard from her but I assume Dr. Keller will wish to accompany him to Earth as well. While the rest of you will be an honor guard and will return to Atlantis right away, I will be granting her leave. She’ll likely want to spend time grieving with Dr. McKay’s family.”
“What?” John asked incredulously.
“Well, I realize they are no longer together, but they were in a serious relationship and, to my knowledge, she remains the closest thing to true family he has here. “
“No. We’re his family, Me, and Ronon, and Teyla.”
“Colonel,” Woolsey sighed, “I know there is a special bond among team. You will all be given time here together and with the rest of the city. However, she was his significant other for nearly a year. They were engaged for a time. It’s not the same.”
“No, it’s not!” John jumped up. “We trust each other with our lives, he just fucked her for a few months!”
“Colonel!” Woolsey shot up, aghast.
John leaned in close. “I’ve known him for six years. He’s my best friend.”
“But, Dr. Keller--”
“Made her decision when they broke up.”
Woolsey huffed, “That’s--”
“Sir.” John caught Woolsey’s eye again, not caring how much Woolsey would read into his words. “I’ve cared more for him for longer than she even knew him.”
Woolsey looked ready to argue some more but John threw one more word in, quietly: “Please.”
Woolsey blinked once, taken aback, then nodded. “All right.”
John ducked his head and sank back into his chair. He was so close to losing it; he needed to get a rein on himself.
Woolsey sat back down and opened his laptop to make adjustments to the schedules.
Part 3 ~ Part 4 ~ Part 5 ~ Part 6 ~ Part 7
Radek had not gotten enough sleep last night what with Rodney keeping him in the lab until past midnight. At least two AM. He really didn’t want anything more than to go back to his quarters and not open his eyes again for the whole day. But this was somewhat of an unspoken agreement between them; Rodney did the off-world stuff, the disciplining, and the arguing with Woolsey and John over resources and personnel, and Radek made sure the scientists stayed out of his way when possible.
Most of the time this worked well. Radek didn’t like the administrative stuff, and as much as Rodney claimed to hate it as well, he never failed to get them what they needed. He’d also apparently grown to like going off-world, for which Radek was eternally grateful because it meant he rarely had to. But this morning the deal meant Radek was the one who had to meet with the department heads and get updates on their various experiments. With that horrid thought in mind he chugged the rest of his coffee and entered the lab area they had set aside for these meetings.
He was still five minutes early, and how he hated that he was that kind of person. Four hours of sleep and still early. He wandered across the hall to make sure Rodney hadn’t fallen asleep on his keyboard, or worse, was still up and so wired on coffee that he could not tell how messed up his equations were from lack of sleep.
When the lights came up Radek froze. Rodney was laying on the floor, in a strange enough position that he couldn’t have simply fallen asleep, with a strange device that had been in the ‘interesting, look at soon’ pile lying broken next to him. Checking the area for invaders, malfunctioning or malevolent equipment, and pod people (it never hurt to be careful on Atlantis), Radek crept closer.
“McKay?” He scrambled down next to him on the floor, reaching for Rodney’s pulse. It wasn’t there.
“Rodney? McKay?” His voice grew frantic as he checked McKay’s breathing and called the infirmary. “Emergency, Lab 3, Rodney’s lab, yes, hurry, please,” Then he leaned forward to start CPR. He had known it was a good thing for everyone to know how to do, he just never wanted to have to. And now he was frantically trying to keep the right rhythm and remember how many compressions between breaths and fighting the tears that threatened to roll down his face. Not Rodney. Not Rodney.
“God, no. Please.”
~*~
There was a booming knock on the door, “Sheppard!”
John pulled on his workout shirt and grabbed his shoes, opening the door to let Ronon in. “I was just heading out, what--”
Ronon was scowling, his eyes sad. “C’mon.”
John hopped after him, getting his shoes on then jogging after Ronon. “What?” When Ronon didn’t stop John grabbed his arm. “Ronon.” John’s heart was falling, a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. “Ronon?”
“It’s McKay.”
John never ran so fast in his life.
~*~
When he burst into the infirmary he was surprised by the quiet. Hoping that for once in this galaxy something had gone right, John hurried to Keller’s office.
“Where’s R--” He stopped when he saw Keller’s hunched form, shaking in her chair with her head in her hands. She and Rodney weren’t that close anymore, really, but their breakup hadn’t been too bad and John knew they still considered each other friends. Seeing her here, like this, was enough to start him shaking.
“Keller? Wha-?”
Ronon’s hand on his arm stopped him and pulled him from the room.
“Colonel, sir, I’ll take you to Dr. McKay.” The nurse beside Ronon said helpfully, “Mr. Woolsey has already been informed and Dr. Zelenka was the one who alerted us. Teyla’s with him now but Woolsey is waiting on you before he makes any kind of city-wide announcement. He said to tell you to come see him as soon as possible, sir.”
John’s empty stomach was revolting even before he realized they were heading through the doors of what they had made their morgue. Cool air hit him and he blanched as he saw Teyla standing by a covered body. She looked up when they entered, not bothering to hide the tear marks covering her face.
He staggered, just a little bit, before coming to a stop near the body and reaching for the cover. He had to see, wouldn’t believe it until he saw it.
Rodney was pale, skin even lighter than usual, and his face was lax, with the dark sweep of his eyelashes giving the impression that he was in a deep sleep, just waiting for a kiss to wake him from slumber. John always half feared that he would end up blowing himself up or dying of radiation poisoning but there wasn’t a blemish on him. This was worse than anything, just there for team movie night one day and gone in the morning. No show, no good-bye. John reached out a hand and rested it gently on Rodney’s forehead. He was cool, but not yet cold, and John could almost pretend the slowly building warmth was more than just his heat seeping into Rodney’s skin.
He yanked his hand away sharply as the realty of the situation finally hit home and the professional in him took over. Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard was career military. He had lost many good men, some of them friends, a small few almost as important to him as the man lying in front of him, and experience had forged him into this. Into a man who could shove anything aside.
John wanted to crumble to the floor, wanted to scream and cry until his voice stopped working and his eyes burned, wanted to pound his fists into Rodney’s chest and force some life back into him through sheer will. Felt like he was about to be torn apart, blown to bits. Wanted to sink into the floor and cease to feel. He wanted it, needed to lose it, but he couldn’t escape what the military had made him, and, though his mind was throwing a fit, his body stood calm and steady, looking at his best friend in the whole universe, and asked, “How?”
It was Teyla who answered him. “We do not know. Dr. Zelenka called the medical team to Rodney’s lab this morning but apparently Rodney was gone long before Zelenka found him. Dr. Biro is scheduled to perform an autopsy this afternoon.”
He nodded and walked out. He’d skip the run this morning, hurry through a shower and change. He tapped his headset, asking for a report from the head of the night security team. It was already 0645 and if he didn’t get it from the horse’s mouth now, he’d have to get the second-hand report like he did every morning from Lorne.
He got a very flustered report from the lieutenant and fought hard to contain his anger when it all boiled down to nothing. They had nothing. No idea how it had happened. They’d secured the area, Zelenka had a team trying to figure out what it might be, and Dr. Biro was currently working to assure there was no danger to the rest of them.
He knew that they were doing their job, that it wasn’t their fault they didn’t know, but he couldn’t help the anger building up inside him. It was the only emotion he could allow himself right now, the only thing that could keep him moving.
He barked out some orders before entering his quarters to take a perfunctory shower.
~*~
There was a moment before entering Rodney's lab when John thought his knees might buckle, but it was gone quickly as he shoved himself back into a professional frame of mind.
Rodney’s lab was quiet, as close to silent as was possible in the midst of a sort of barely controlled chaos. One of the guards near the door was prepared and handed him a tablet before he could even ask for a report. He took it but barely looked at it. Dr. Biro and her people were packing away a bunch of equipment, so John assumed they found nothing that could cause anyone else harm medically. Zelenka was sitting at Rodney's desk, scrolling through one of two open computers, tapping occasionally on the tablet in his lap. There were at least a dozen other scientists in the room, going through piles of tech or tapping away on a keyboard, but John headed directly toward Zelenka.
“Do we know what happened yet?” he asked, but his voice was harsher than he truly intended.
Radek looked up, his eyes red. “No.”
John couldn't help the way his hand slammed down on the desk. “Did you check what he was working on last night?”
Zelenka narrowed his eyes. “Yes, Colonel, it was the first thing I thought of but is damaged, it never worked to begin with!”
He wanted to throw his hands up and barely kept his voice below a yell. “What about all the other projects here?”
Zelenka slammed the tablet on the table as he stood up. “You do not think we have thought of that? We have found nothing that could have done this! Blown him up, given him radiation poisoning, re-written aspects of his DNA, yes! But nothing like--”
“Well he didn't just fall dead of nothing!”
“I am aware, Colonel!”
“Then do your job and figure it out!” John found himself right up in Zelenka's face. He caught himself, backing away and raising his hands, “I--”
“Colonel.” Zelenka spoke with slow and deliberate calm. “You are not the only one who is hurting now.” He raised a fist and John was abruptly reminded that Radek found Rodney. “Just, please, go. I am doing my best.” Then he fell back onto the chair, swiping a hand angrily over a cheek to catch an escaped tear. John had to look away, breathe deep, and take a mental and physical step back.
“I-- sorry.”
“Leave. You are not helping here.”
He let himself get too close to a breaking point, and he was not ready for that to happen. He couldn't deal with it yet. So he drew himself up and swept out past the guards without another word.
~*~
“You wanted to see me?” John asked at Woolsey’s door.
“Ah, yes, Colonel. I’m sure you’ve been made aware, by now, of Dr. McKay’s, ah--”
John cut him off as he took a seat. “Yeah.”
“Dr. Biro has informed me that she should have the autopsy done and results in by tonight. I thought we could plan on sending Dr. McKay’s body through the gate tomorrow morning. Ronon, Teyla, and Dr. Zelenka have all expressed interest in accompanying him through after the service; I assume you’ll be wanting to go, as well?”
John furrowed his brow. “I know its normal procedure, but Rodney hasn’t considered Earth home for some time now.” And John just didn’t know if he could survive without Rodney nearby. “What about sending him into the sun or something?”
Woolsey sighed and shook his head. “The IOA wouldn’t like it.” Before John could interrupt, he continued, “Besides, I don’t think any of us believe Rodney would have cared much what happened to his body after death.”
John had to concede that point. Rodney never would have believed in some kind of connection with his body. It was empty now, just a shell, and Rodney wouldn’t have been sentimental about it beyond as a centerpiece to cry over during a memorial service.
“And his sister deserves the right to put him to rest.”
John swallowed. Woolsey was right; he didn’t have the right to take that much from her, “fine.”
“Glad we agree, Colonel. Now, I haven’t heard from her but I assume Dr. Keller will wish to accompany him to Earth as well. While the rest of you will be an honor guard and will return to Atlantis right away, I will be granting her leave. She’ll likely want to spend time grieving with Dr. McKay’s family.”
“What?” John asked incredulously.
“Well, I realize they are no longer together, but they were in a serious relationship and, to my knowledge, she remains the closest thing to true family he has here. “
“No. We’re his family, Me, and Ronon, and Teyla.”
“Colonel,” Woolsey sighed, “I know there is a special bond among team. You will all be given time here together and with the rest of the city. However, she was his significant other for nearly a year. They were engaged for a time. It’s not the same.”
“No, it’s not!” John jumped up. “We trust each other with our lives, he just fucked her for a few months!”
“Colonel!” Woolsey shot up, aghast.
John leaned in close. “I’ve known him for six years. He’s my best friend.”
“But, Dr. Keller--”
“Made her decision when they broke up.”
Woolsey huffed, “That’s--”
“Sir.” John caught Woolsey’s eye again, not caring how much Woolsey would read into his words. “I’ve cared more for him for longer than she even knew him.”
Woolsey looked ready to argue some more but John threw one more word in, quietly: “Please.”
Woolsey blinked once, taken aback, then nodded. “All right.”
John ducked his head and sank back into his chair. He was so close to losing it; he needed to get a rein on himself.
Woolsey sat back down and opened his laptop to make adjustments to the schedules.
Part 3 ~ Part 4 ~ Part 5 ~ Part 6 ~ Part 7