(no subject)
I started writing this when i was in hospital, and never finished it, so i completed it tonight. its a bit long. sorry.
Started: 5/april/2005
Katie Ritchie. Bed 702, ward 7A, Mater Adults Hospital.
In life we learn many things, from the day we enter this world until the day we leave it. Humans love to be unhappy. It’s instinct. We may have the world at our feet, yet still pick faults and find something to complain about. I believe that the harder your life, the wiser you become, because you have to fight for what you have, instead of it being handed to you.
I used to cry and complain about pathetic, trivial things like not getting my own way and other such nonsense. Never in my wildest darkest dreams did I ever imagine myself in the position that I find myself in right now. It has definitely given me a lot to think about. The nights where the pain is too unbearable, I think very dark thoughts about just wanting to escape from this world. And then my mind begins to wander. And sometimes my thoughts are a dangerous thing.
A quick glance out the window to the world outside, I see birds, flying as free as the angels, without a care in the world.
Being in here, time stands still. Has it been an hour? Or even ten minutes? Who really knows? All I know is that my operation was 6 days ago, and it has been the longest 6 days of my life. I have questioned my faith, why do I have to go through this? I imagined what my life would be like, and this wasn’t part of the plan. Haven’t I been a good person so far? ‘Why’ seems to be the one word that resonates inside of my head.
Some people believe that every single event that has ever taken place, or ever will, was predetermined, fate. Others believe that life is just a series of events that just happen. There’s no reason for it, no logic, and no equality. How can there be so much luxury and extravagance in the lives of some, yet others suffer for their entire lives? I have struggled to come to a conclusion about which way I believe the universe works.
I know that in the big scheme of things, what has happened to me isn’t anything too dramatic. I am still relatively healthy, alive, breathing, and aiming towards tomorrow.
Where is that button so I can buzz the nurse? I need to be repositioned; the pain is making me nauseous. How am I ever supposed to make people understand this voice that I have screaming from within? I want a lot out of life. I want to live without restriction. I want to be remarkable. I want to accomplish what I set out to do. But above all, I want to be an inspiration.
This hospital room has made my thoughts do unthinkable things. Thoughts of death, darkness, escaping, are all floating around in my mind. But somehow, in the depth of it all, there is an ember of hope and the desire to overcome, that has been over looked many times, but this time, I notice it. It has reignited my passion to live. Even last night, when I reached one of the lowest points in my life, I knew that after the pain and tears passed, I would be able to find that remaining ounce of strength to keep going. The kind of pain I am in is something that I would never wish upon anyone, not even those who have been cruel to me. If there was one part of my body that I’d least like operated on, it would be my spine. It is the centre of the body. I still cannot move myself. If I start to get excruciatingly uncomfortable, I can’t even slightly wriggle around to a better position. I have to press the button, and wait for the nurse. And then wait a further 5 - 10 minutes while the wards men are found, and then it is a very delicate operation as 2 or 3 people hold me steady, and roll me onto my side and then back into a flat position on my back. You cannot possibly begin to imagine how it feels to be this helpless. I hope I don’t slip into the living-dead state of depression that so often grasps the lives of those who have been struck with adversity. I will NOT let myself become another statistic. I choose right here and now that I will rise above this challenge. I WILL become stronger. One of my fears is that after the pain subsides, I am going to be stuck in a horrible state of self-pity. I suppose it’s only natural and expected for me to have these kinds of thoughts and scepticisms.
This pain has become too much at the moment. I shall put down my pen and continue this very soon.
(Some time later…)
Well, it’s now June the 9th. It has been about 9 weeks since my operation. I look at how I am now, and it still amazes me how well I am doing in such a short period of time. I must admit, the first month was quite challenging. After the swelling and bruising subsided, there was still an intense amount of pain. I needed help getting in and out of cars, getting dressed, up and down stairs, into and out of bed, and just about everything else. It was so strange. It felt like I was learning everything all over again. Its still like that sometimes I guess. Every single day I can almost SEE myself getting better. Even in this past week I have noticed improvement. But it’s still a very long road until I have completely recovered.
But physical aspect aside, the emotional and psychological aspect has thrown me all over the place. It’s almost a constant up and down pattern. Some days I rise above it, and I am the strong person that everyone believes that I am. But other days, I despise this whole operation. I want to escape from it; from myself. But whether I like it or not, the metal is now a part of me, and I have to learn to love myself all over again. I am not physically the same person I was before. It is something that is constantly in my mind. First thing when I wake up in the morning, throughout my day, and when I lay down to sleep. I am learning to cope though. I have to continue on with my life, how else can I be an inspiration to those around me if I crumble to this? In every life, a challenge awaits. The weak fall, they let the challenge cripple them; take away their strength. The strong face each obstacle, and make the decisions that are going to move them past the challenge.
No one ever said it's easy to be strong. It's difficult, but that's what makes a person strong, by overcoming a challenge rather than letting it consume them.
If there is one thing I have learnt above and beyond all else, it is that strength is a choice.
Started: 5/april/2005
Katie Ritchie. Bed 702, ward 7A, Mater Adults Hospital.
In life we learn many things, from the day we enter this world until the day we leave it. Humans love to be unhappy. It’s instinct. We may have the world at our feet, yet still pick faults and find something to complain about. I believe that the harder your life, the wiser you become, because you have to fight for what you have, instead of it being handed to you.
I used to cry and complain about pathetic, trivial things like not getting my own way and other such nonsense. Never in my wildest darkest dreams did I ever imagine myself in the position that I find myself in right now. It has definitely given me a lot to think about. The nights where the pain is too unbearable, I think very dark thoughts about just wanting to escape from this world. And then my mind begins to wander. And sometimes my thoughts are a dangerous thing.
A quick glance out the window to the world outside, I see birds, flying as free as the angels, without a care in the world.
Being in here, time stands still. Has it been an hour? Or even ten minutes? Who really knows? All I know is that my operation was 6 days ago, and it has been the longest 6 days of my life. I have questioned my faith, why do I have to go through this? I imagined what my life would be like, and this wasn’t part of the plan. Haven’t I been a good person so far? ‘Why’ seems to be the one word that resonates inside of my head.
Some people believe that every single event that has ever taken place, or ever will, was predetermined, fate. Others believe that life is just a series of events that just happen. There’s no reason for it, no logic, and no equality. How can there be so much luxury and extravagance in the lives of some, yet others suffer for their entire lives? I have struggled to come to a conclusion about which way I believe the universe works.
I know that in the big scheme of things, what has happened to me isn’t anything too dramatic. I am still relatively healthy, alive, breathing, and aiming towards tomorrow.
Where is that button so I can buzz the nurse? I need to be repositioned; the pain is making me nauseous. How am I ever supposed to make people understand this voice that I have screaming from within? I want a lot out of life. I want to live without restriction. I want to be remarkable. I want to accomplish what I set out to do. But above all, I want to be an inspiration.
This hospital room has made my thoughts do unthinkable things. Thoughts of death, darkness, escaping, are all floating around in my mind. But somehow, in the depth of it all, there is an ember of hope and the desire to overcome, that has been over looked many times, but this time, I notice it. It has reignited my passion to live. Even last night, when I reached one of the lowest points in my life, I knew that after the pain and tears passed, I would be able to find that remaining ounce of strength to keep going. The kind of pain I am in is something that I would never wish upon anyone, not even those who have been cruel to me. If there was one part of my body that I’d least like operated on, it would be my spine. It is the centre of the body. I still cannot move myself. If I start to get excruciatingly uncomfortable, I can’t even slightly wriggle around to a better position. I have to press the button, and wait for the nurse. And then wait a further 5 - 10 minutes while the wards men are found, and then it is a very delicate operation as 2 or 3 people hold me steady, and roll me onto my side and then back into a flat position on my back. You cannot possibly begin to imagine how it feels to be this helpless. I hope I don’t slip into the living-dead state of depression that so often grasps the lives of those who have been struck with adversity. I will NOT let myself become another statistic. I choose right here and now that I will rise above this challenge. I WILL become stronger. One of my fears is that after the pain subsides, I am going to be stuck in a horrible state of self-pity. I suppose it’s only natural and expected for me to have these kinds of thoughts and scepticisms.
This pain has become too much at the moment. I shall put down my pen and continue this very soon.
(Some time later…)
Well, it’s now June the 9th. It has been about 9 weeks since my operation. I look at how I am now, and it still amazes me how well I am doing in such a short period of time. I must admit, the first month was quite challenging. After the swelling and bruising subsided, there was still an intense amount of pain. I needed help getting in and out of cars, getting dressed, up and down stairs, into and out of bed, and just about everything else. It was so strange. It felt like I was learning everything all over again. Its still like that sometimes I guess. Every single day I can almost SEE myself getting better. Even in this past week I have noticed improvement. But it’s still a very long road until I have completely recovered.
But physical aspect aside, the emotional and psychological aspect has thrown me all over the place. It’s almost a constant up and down pattern. Some days I rise above it, and I am the strong person that everyone believes that I am. But other days, I despise this whole operation. I want to escape from it; from myself. But whether I like it or not, the metal is now a part of me, and I have to learn to love myself all over again. I am not physically the same person I was before. It is something that is constantly in my mind. First thing when I wake up in the morning, throughout my day, and when I lay down to sleep. I am learning to cope though. I have to continue on with my life, how else can I be an inspiration to those around me if I crumble to this? In every life, a challenge awaits. The weak fall, they let the challenge cripple them; take away their strength. The strong face each obstacle, and make the decisions that are going to move them past the challenge.
No one ever said it's easy to be strong. It's difficult, but that's what makes a person strong, by overcoming a challenge rather than letting it consume them.
If there is one thing I have learnt above and beyond all else, it is that strength is a choice.