Семейные вопросы
Я храню всякие записки на будущее в десяти разных местах типа папочки с текстовыми файлами и Evernote. Так складывается, потому что со временем я нахожу более удобные методы хранения и перехожу на них. В последний раз меня Evernote выбесил тем, что несколько раз отказался оффлайн редактировать и создавать записи, я перешла на Google.keep, пока довольна, потому что мне даже папочки не очень нужны, а вот записки писать я хочу в любое время. Но я отвлеклась.
Недавно шуршала от нечего делать по таким старым запискам и нашла список вопросов (наверное, с реддита), которые рекомендуется обсудить с партнёром, так сказать, "на берегу", перед тем как принимать решение о создании с ним/ней семьи, потому что очевидное для одного может внезапно оказаться неприемлемым для другого.
Ну круть, на несколько увлекательных бесед нам со Стефано хватило. Как обычно, мы по всему, кроме количества детей, в общем согласны. Некоторые вопросы у нас обоих вызвали недоумение, но тоже хорошо, что похоже реагируем.
Вот список, наслаждайтесь)
=== Family Planning ===
- Will we have children?
- If so, when would be the best time?
- How many children will we have? Do you have gender preferences?
-Do you think that you will have problems putting them as your first
priority? (Often there is a shock, when originally your first priority
is yourself)
- What would you be willing to sacrifice to ensure the wellbeing of your children?
- What religion will we raise our children?
- What last name will we give the children, the father's last name or the mother's and father's last name hyphenated?
- Who will be the disciplinarian?
- Will we send them to private or public school?
- Will one of us stay at home to raise the children?
- If we are having a hard time conceiving, will you be opposed to artificial methods of conception?
- Would you be willing to adopt?
- Is termination an option if the child is found to be disabled in utero?
- Is termination an option if the child comes before planned?
- What birth control methods will we use if we decide to wait? And when you are done having children?
- What values do we want to instill in our children, and how will we do so?
- What would be your most important value to stress in your opinion?
- How will we discipline our children?
- What would be the consequences for the worst offences? (i.e. Are you okay with corporal punishment?)
- How will we reward our children?
- Will we give them allowance?
- Will we set limits on privileges?
- Where do we stand on junk food, video games...? If yes, how much is acceptable?
- Would there be any other dietary concerns?
- How much television would be acceptable?
- What kind of hobbies would you like to offer/encourage for them?
- What age do you feel is appropriate to start drinking alcohol? Watching/playing 18+ content?
- What age do you feel is appropriate for staying home alone? Taking care of siblings?
- How much family time is appropriate?
- What do you consider quality time as a family?
- What is our long-term daycare plan? What's our back-up? Can we afford it
- Will it be okay to use teenage babysitters? Or only credentialed child care technicians?
- How much time will we spend with the in-laws?
- Do you feel that both in-law families approve of each of you? Why or why not?
- What things about your own family and your in-laws values do you want to avoid passing on to children?
- What will we do for holidays?
- If something happens to the both of us, who will take care of our children?
- Do you have pets? Are having pets important?
- Are you okay with the current volume of pets? Do you feel you should have more/less?
- What will happen if your children prove to be allergic to your pets?
=== Finances (One of the top reasons for divorce/separation) ===
- Who's going to handle the finances?
- What are some of your financial priorities?
- Do you see some of your priorities changing in the future? If so, which ones and why?
- Are you living comfortably now? If not, why?
- Are there things that are costing an excessive amount that can be varied or cut back on to improve quality of life right now?
- Are there things that you would be willing to cut back on in the future to ensure comfortable family living?
*- Will we have separate or joint accounts?
- Will we split the bills or pay them together?
- Will we have a pre-nuptial agreement?
- Who will be responsible for the budgeting?
- What is your spending style? Are you a spender or a saver? Can you save if you have to?
- How are you financially preparing for retirement?
- What are your views on debt (credit cards, loans, etc.)?
- How much can we spend each month?
- How much do we plan on saving each month?
- What are our long-term goals? Saving for a house? College? Retirement?
- How much do you spend shopping each month?
- Would you be able to curb discretionary spending?
- Do we create a house budget and write down everything we spend? If not, why?
- Do we have a certain amount of money in our own budget that's individual or are we pooling everything?
- If one of us lost our job, what would we do?
- Does one of us want a career change in the future? How would we finance that?
- Do you have credit card or student loan debt?
-
If it came time to buy a new car, what kind would you get? How much
would you spend? What are your plans now for saving towards that?
- Do we have emergency money? How can we save that? What constitutes an "emergency"?
- Is there a spending limit that we should check with each other before making purchases over a certain amount?
- What are our priorities? Is college money more important or is a new kitchen, etc.?
- Will each of us draft a will? What should the will say?
=== Home Life ===
- Where will we live after the wedding?
- Will we rent or purchase?
- What chores are expected of your partner?
- Where will we live after we retire?
- What will the bride's last name be after the wedding?
- What will we do when both sets of our parents are in their advanced ages?
-
Who will do the brunt of the cooking? Cleaning? Will your partner be
doing equal housework? If not, doing something equal to make up for
that?
- What is your definition of quality time with your partner? Do you feel that you spend enough quality time together?
-
Do you need time alone? If so, how much? Do you find the current amount
that you have acceptable? How would you react if important future
things/events encroached upon that time? (i.e. Future children)
- What hobbies do you share together?
- What hobbies do you like to do on your own?
- Do you feel your partner spends too long on their hobbies and not enough time cultivating your relationship?
-
Do you feel that relationship maintenance and making your partner feel
special is a top priority for you? Do you think it should be?
- What do you tend to do when you are bored? Is it productive?
- Are you constantly trying to better yourself? Why or why not?
- Do you have date nights to maintain intimacy? If so, how often? If not, why?
- Do you tell your partner everything? Are having secrets okay? What issues are okay to keep secret?
- How often do you have sex? How often would you like to? Is there a difference between these two answers? If so, why?
- Do you feel satisfied with the way that your sexual relationship plays out from day to day?
- Is there anything that your partner is not doing sexually that you wish they would do more?
-
How far would you be willing to go sexually to satisfy your partner?
What boundaries do you have that you never wish to cross or at least
would be extremely hesitant about trying?
- What fantasies would you like to play out eventually within the life of your marriage? Immediately?
- Do you think that your partner’s general expectations of you are realistic? Why or why not?
- If your partner was to fall out of love with you, would you expect them to stay with you anyway because of your vows?
=== Careers ===
- Will both of us work?
- If I get a career opportunity in another city or state or even country, would you be willing to move?
- When are we planning on retiring?
- How many hours a week would be acceptable? Will excessive overtime or a second job become an issue?
- Are you planning to go back to school? Why/why not?
=== Religion ===
- What religion will we practice, if any?
- Will you be willing to convert to my religion?
- Will it be okay if we each practice our own religion?
- If we practice our own respective religions, will we expect the other to attend services with us?
=== Communication Style ===
- Are you willing to talk about issues or do you brood?
- How much communication is too much and leads to overload?
- Is yelling acceptable? Name calling? If yes, it what point? When does it become mentally abusive?
- Do differences in opinion often lead to a full out argument? If so, how can you change that?
- Does your partner give you enough time to talk about yourself and your feelings?
-
Does your partner have problems talking about big issues such as money,
religion or sex? If so, how can you make this communication more open?
=== Temperament ===
- Do you find yourself generally happy or unhappy? What do you find is the most impactful cause of unhappiness?
-
How do you handle stress and crises that suddenly occur? Do you explode
or do you step back and approach the issue calmly or somewhere in
between?
- What things your partner does or says is most likely to make you angry? Do they know that? Do they try to avoid this? Do they use this against you?
- What do you use in daily life to de-stress?
Will you continue to use that in the foreseeable future? Is it damaging
your relationship in any way?
- Would you be willing to use another way to de-stress if comprisable?
- What is your biggest pet peeve?
- Are you okay with your partner having opposite sex friends?
- What is your definition of cheating?
- If either party cheats, what will be the likely outcome reflected on the marriage?
- Would you partner be open to counseling if there seems to be problems that cannot be fixed on your own?
- At what point would divorce be acceptable? Separation?
- If your partner broke the law and had to go to jail, would you support them? What would be the breaking point?
- What do you consider physically abusive? Mentally?
=== Health ===
- Does your family have any history of serious medical problems?
- If your partner contracts/develops a serious illness do you think you could handle the mental stress of caring for them?
- If you become disabled physically or mentally, do you expect your partner to stay with you? For how long?
- Do you have a history of serious medical problems?
- Do you have a history of mental problems? (i.e. Depression, O.C.D, Control Issues, Anxiety)
- Is this impactful upon your partner? If so, have you received help or do you plan to?
- Do you have trouble sleeping? Does this affect your mood? What is the right amount of sleep for you?
-
How do you think your sleep patterns will change once you have
children? Do you think that you will be able to deal with this change?
- Have you ever been, or are now, addicted to: drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling?
- If so, how does this impact your life and life of your partner? Are you working to fix this addiction? If not, why?
-
Would you be willing to work on this addiction in the future if it
affects your financial wellbeing or physical/mental health? If so, at
what point would you being willing to deal with this?
- How will you deal with this? (i.e. By yourself, Professional help)
- Would you be opposed to the both of us getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases?
- What should we do if the other is on life support? Will we draft a Living Will/Trust?
- Do you currently feel that you & your partner are nutritionally balanced? If not, what can be changed to fix this?
-
At what point is it okay to ask your partner to pay better attention to
their personal grooming/self-maintenance? (i.e. Body odor, sudden
weight gain, chronic pain, dental hygiene)
=== Our Wedding ===
- Do you truly believe monogamy is realistic?
- Is there anything that you would like to do before getting married that might be difficult afterwards?
- Is there pressure to get married or did you come to the conclusion on your own?
- Did you see yourself getting married in the future before this relationship was established?
- What do you think the most important thing is about getting legally married if any?
- In what city will our wedding be held?
- What is the budget for our wedding?
- How many people will we invite?
- Who is responsible for the organization of our wedding? And how will the other person assist?
- Where would be your ideal honeymoon location?
- What do you think will be different after you are married if anything?
Недавно шуршала от нечего делать по таким старым запискам и нашла список вопросов (наверное, с реддита), которые рекомендуется обсудить с партнёром, так сказать, "на берегу", перед тем как принимать решение о создании с ним/ней семьи, потому что очевидное для одного может внезапно оказаться неприемлемым для другого.
Ну круть, на несколько увлекательных бесед нам со Стефано хватило. Как обычно, мы по всему, кроме количества детей, в общем согласны. Некоторые вопросы у нас обоих вызвали недоумение, но тоже хорошо, что похоже реагируем.
Вот список, наслаждайтесь)
=== Family Planning ===
- Will we have children?
- If so, when would be the best time?
- How many children will we have? Do you have gender preferences?
-Do you think that you will have problems putting them as your first
priority? (Often there is a shock, when originally your first priority
is yourself)
- What would you be willing to sacrifice to ensure the wellbeing of your children?
- What religion will we raise our children?
- What last name will we give the children, the father's last name or the mother's and father's last name hyphenated?
- Who will be the disciplinarian?
- Will we send them to private or public school?
- Will one of us stay at home to raise the children?
- If we are having a hard time conceiving, will you be opposed to artificial methods of conception?
- Would you be willing to adopt?
- Is termination an option if the child is found to be disabled in utero?
- Is termination an option if the child comes before planned?
- What birth control methods will we use if we decide to wait? And when you are done having children?
- What values do we want to instill in our children, and how will we do so?
- What would be your most important value to stress in your opinion?
- How will we discipline our children?
- What would be the consequences for the worst offences? (i.e. Are you okay with corporal punishment?)
- How will we reward our children?
- Will we give them allowance?
- Will we set limits on privileges?
- Where do we stand on junk food, video games...? If yes, how much is acceptable?
- Would there be any other dietary concerns?
- How much television would be acceptable?
- What kind of hobbies would you like to offer/encourage for them?
- What age do you feel is appropriate to start drinking alcohol? Watching/playing 18+ content?
- What age do you feel is appropriate for staying home alone? Taking care of siblings?
- How much family time is appropriate?
- What do you consider quality time as a family?
- What is our long-term daycare plan? What's our back-up? Can we afford it
- Will it be okay to use teenage babysitters? Or only credentialed child care technicians?
- How much time will we spend with the in-laws?
- Do you feel that both in-law families approve of each of you? Why or why not?
- What things about your own family and your in-laws values do you want to avoid passing on to children?
- What will we do for holidays?
- If something happens to the both of us, who will take care of our children?
- Do you have pets? Are having pets important?
- Are you okay with the current volume of pets? Do you feel you should have more/less?
- What will happen if your children prove to be allergic to your pets?
=== Finances (One of the top reasons for divorce/separation) ===
- Who's going to handle the finances?
- What are some of your financial priorities?
- Do you see some of your priorities changing in the future? If so, which ones and why?
- Are you living comfortably now? If not, why?
- Are there things that are costing an excessive amount that can be varied or cut back on to improve quality of life right now?
- Are there things that you would be willing to cut back on in the future to ensure comfortable family living?
*- Will we have separate or joint accounts?
- Will we split the bills or pay them together?
- Will we have a pre-nuptial agreement?
- Who will be responsible for the budgeting?
- What is your spending style? Are you a spender or a saver? Can you save if you have to?
- How are you financially preparing for retirement?
- What are your views on debt (credit cards, loans, etc.)?
- How much can we spend each month?
- How much do we plan on saving each month?
- What are our long-term goals? Saving for a house? College? Retirement?
- How much do you spend shopping each month?
- Would you be able to curb discretionary spending?
- Do we create a house budget and write down everything we spend? If not, why?
- Do we have a certain amount of money in our own budget that's individual or are we pooling everything?
- If one of us lost our job, what would we do?
- Does one of us want a career change in the future? How would we finance that?
- Do you have credit card or student loan debt?
-
If it came time to buy a new car, what kind would you get? How much
would you spend? What are your plans now for saving towards that?
- Do we have emergency money? How can we save that? What constitutes an "emergency"?
- Is there a spending limit that we should check with each other before making purchases over a certain amount?
- What are our priorities? Is college money more important or is a new kitchen, etc.?
- Will each of us draft a will? What should the will say?
=== Home Life ===
- Where will we live after the wedding?
- Will we rent or purchase?
- What chores are expected of your partner?
- Where will we live after we retire?
- What will the bride's last name be after the wedding?
- What will we do when both sets of our parents are in their advanced ages?
-
Who will do the brunt of the cooking? Cleaning? Will your partner be
doing equal housework? If not, doing something equal to make up for
that?
- What is your definition of quality time with your partner? Do you feel that you spend enough quality time together?
-
Do you need time alone? If so, how much? Do you find the current amount
that you have acceptable? How would you react if important future
things/events encroached upon that time? (i.e. Future children)
- What hobbies do you share together?
- What hobbies do you like to do on your own?
- Do you feel your partner spends too long on their hobbies and not enough time cultivating your relationship?
-
Do you feel that relationship maintenance and making your partner feel
special is a top priority for you? Do you think it should be?
- What do you tend to do when you are bored? Is it productive?
- Are you constantly trying to better yourself? Why or why not?
- Do you have date nights to maintain intimacy? If so, how often? If not, why?
- Do you tell your partner everything? Are having secrets okay? What issues are okay to keep secret?
- How often do you have sex? How often would you like to? Is there a difference between these two answers? If so, why?
- Do you feel satisfied with the way that your sexual relationship plays out from day to day?
- Is there anything that your partner is not doing sexually that you wish they would do more?
-
How far would you be willing to go sexually to satisfy your partner?
What boundaries do you have that you never wish to cross or at least
would be extremely hesitant about trying?
- What fantasies would you like to play out eventually within the life of your marriage? Immediately?
- Do you think that your partner’s general expectations of you are realistic? Why or why not?
- If your partner was to fall out of love with you, would you expect them to stay with you anyway because of your vows?
=== Careers ===
- Will both of us work?
- If I get a career opportunity in another city or state or even country, would you be willing to move?
- When are we planning on retiring?
- How many hours a week would be acceptable? Will excessive overtime or a second job become an issue?
- Are you planning to go back to school? Why/why not?
=== Religion ===
- What religion will we practice, if any?
- Will you be willing to convert to my religion?
- Will it be okay if we each practice our own religion?
- If we practice our own respective religions, will we expect the other to attend services with us?
=== Communication Style ===
- Are you willing to talk about issues or do you brood?
- How much communication is too much and leads to overload?
- Is yelling acceptable? Name calling? If yes, it what point? When does it become mentally abusive?
- Do differences in opinion often lead to a full out argument? If so, how can you change that?
- Does your partner give you enough time to talk about yourself and your feelings?
-
Does your partner have problems talking about big issues such as money,
religion or sex? If so, how can you make this communication more open?
=== Temperament ===
- Do you find yourself generally happy or unhappy? What do you find is the most impactful cause of unhappiness?
-
How do you handle stress and crises that suddenly occur? Do you explode
or do you step back and approach the issue calmly or somewhere in
between?
- What things your partner does or says is most likely to make you angry? Do they know that? Do they try to avoid this? Do they use this against you?
- What do you use in daily life to de-stress?
Will you continue to use that in the foreseeable future? Is it damaging
your relationship in any way?
- Would you be willing to use another way to de-stress if comprisable?
- What is your biggest pet peeve?
- Are you okay with your partner having opposite sex friends?
- What is your definition of cheating?
- If either party cheats, what will be the likely outcome reflected on the marriage?
- Would you partner be open to counseling if there seems to be problems that cannot be fixed on your own?
- At what point would divorce be acceptable? Separation?
- If your partner broke the law and had to go to jail, would you support them? What would be the breaking point?
- What do you consider physically abusive? Mentally?
=== Health ===
- Does your family have any history of serious medical problems?
- If your partner contracts/develops a serious illness do you think you could handle the mental stress of caring for them?
- If you become disabled physically or mentally, do you expect your partner to stay with you? For how long?
- Do you have a history of serious medical problems?
- Do you have a history of mental problems? (i.e. Depression, O.C.D, Control Issues, Anxiety)
- Is this impactful upon your partner? If so, have you received help or do you plan to?
- Do you have trouble sleeping? Does this affect your mood? What is the right amount of sleep for you?
-
How do you think your sleep patterns will change once you have
children? Do you think that you will be able to deal with this change?
- Have you ever been, or are now, addicted to: drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling?
- If so, how does this impact your life and life of your partner? Are you working to fix this addiction? If not, why?
-
Would you be willing to work on this addiction in the future if it
affects your financial wellbeing or physical/mental health? If so, at
what point would you being willing to deal with this?
- How will you deal with this? (i.e. By yourself, Professional help)
- Would you be opposed to the both of us getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases?
- What should we do if the other is on life support? Will we draft a Living Will/Trust?
- Do you currently feel that you & your partner are nutritionally balanced? If not, what can be changed to fix this?
-
At what point is it okay to ask your partner to pay better attention to
their personal grooming/self-maintenance? (i.e. Body odor, sudden
weight gain, chronic pain, dental hygiene)
=== Our Wedding ===
- Do you truly believe monogamy is realistic?
- Is there anything that you would like to do before getting married that might be difficult afterwards?
- Is there pressure to get married or did you come to the conclusion on your own?
- Did you see yourself getting married in the future before this relationship was established?
- What do you think the most important thing is about getting legally married if any?
- In what city will our wedding be held?
- What is the budget for our wedding?
- How many people will we invite?
- Who is responsible for the organization of our wedding? And how will the other person assist?
- Where would be your ideal honeymoon location?
- What do you think will be different after you are married if anything?