Rediscovery.
I've been trying, and failing to write an entry about what's changed for me recently. I don't know why, but I have a harder time writing about positive things than negative ones. I suppose I got too used to exploring my own troubles, that when the clouds started to clear for me, I wasn't sure how to put it in words....
Even now it's hard to words to describe in any detail how I am really feeling. Something very important has happened to me, after many years of being out of tune, skewed, an unbalanced person, I found something I had lost for a long time. That would be the part of me I've been blocking off.
No matter what I would do, how I would go about things, for all of this time, I was not truly a whole person, because one part of me had control and the other was too far hidden away.
But then someone came along, completely unexpectedly, and did something kind for me that helped me to gradually unblock myself and let my other side emerge again. because of that I'm happier now, and whole once more. I'm never going back to the way I was before. I feel the joy of finding myself, finally understanding who i am, and being at peace with it now. Never again will I decide that one or the other side of me should have control. instead i have a harmony of both of my sides, working together. Maybe it's hard to write about because I don't want anyone to think it sounds corny or anything like that. But honestly I don't care much about that anymore, because being me is more important than trying to show the right face to others.
At times over the past two years I was flailing around, desperately reaching out to people I cared about, hoping for someone, anyone to help me as I couldn't stop my emotions from coming out anymore but I was confused, and lost. instead i was helped by someone i didn't really even know that well, and who possibly didn't even know she was helping me (until i mentioned it recently). But then it happened, my emotions were touched, and i was able to release some long-ago feelings that were blocking me from feeling my true self. How it happened, doesn't matter all that much and I don't feel like elaborating on it, just that it did happen.
I couldn't go on being the person I was being, not anymore. I once thought it was a natural evolution for me, that this was really my "new self". It was not, I was out of tune. I know now that having that balance is important for me, so that my two personality aspects can both coexist without being in conflict.
And I am balanced now, even though I have to deal with some things I haven't dealt with in a long time, the consequences of being an emotional person, having moods, but being able to feel again on a deeper level. The troubles of dealing with this are nothing in comparison to the feeling of finding myself. The consolation of emotion is that even if I have to endure some moodiness and the up and down waves of being an emotional person, that I can be emotional, that I can care about others who care about me, and find peace and harmony in doing so and hopefully being able to make their lives better...
Even now it's hard to words to describe in any detail how I am really feeling. Something very important has happened to me, after many years of being out of tune, skewed, an unbalanced person, I found something I had lost for a long time. That would be the part of me I've been blocking off.
No matter what I would do, how I would go about things, for all of this time, I was not truly a whole person, because one part of me had control and the other was too far hidden away.
But then someone came along, completely unexpectedly, and did something kind for me that helped me to gradually unblock myself and let my other side emerge again. because of that I'm happier now, and whole once more. I'm never going back to the way I was before. I feel the joy of finding myself, finally understanding who i am, and being at peace with it now. Never again will I decide that one or the other side of me should have control. instead i have a harmony of both of my sides, working together. Maybe it's hard to write about because I don't want anyone to think it sounds corny or anything like that. But honestly I don't care much about that anymore, because being me is more important than trying to show the right face to others.
At times over the past two years I was flailing around, desperately reaching out to people I cared about, hoping for someone, anyone to help me as I couldn't stop my emotions from coming out anymore but I was confused, and lost. instead i was helped by someone i didn't really even know that well, and who possibly didn't even know she was helping me (until i mentioned it recently). But then it happened, my emotions were touched, and i was able to release some long-ago feelings that were blocking me from feeling my true self. How it happened, doesn't matter all that much and I don't feel like elaborating on it, just that it did happen.
I couldn't go on being the person I was being, not anymore. I once thought it was a natural evolution for me, that this was really my "new self". It was not, I was out of tune. I know now that having that balance is important for me, so that my two personality aspects can both coexist without being in conflict.
And I am balanced now, even though I have to deal with some things I haven't dealt with in a long time, the consequences of being an emotional person, having moods, but being able to feel again on a deeper level. The troubles of dealing with this are nothing in comparison to the feeling of finding myself. The consolation of emotion is that even if I have to endure some moodiness and the up and down waves of being an emotional person, that I can be emotional, that I can care about others who care about me, and find peace and harmony in doing so and hopefully being able to make their lives better...