today and the yesterdays and all the tomorrows to come
i am so in love. i burn and ache for this love everyday. when will it stop. i live in sheer agony. but i know it is only in my dreams that i am with you. when can it be real. i guess feelings are not the same on both sides i guess my pain will never subside. have you ever planned yor entire wedding day for it not to come true. do you know how that feels. waiting for prince charming for eternity. i mean will he ever come. do you know how alone it feels to be one without someone else. i mean no one to cuddle with or have late night talks. none to go to the beach with or lie in a field beneath the stars. noone to cuddle with in the winter while watching movies or to build snow sculputures in the snow. well anyways time for reality. i am back at school. i have seen brandon, and jackie, and some oac people. i have a huge school bill i have to pay. i am taking 5 classes, math, history of earth, myth and culture, environmental geography, and either information resources or communications i havent gotten that far. i am back in therapy. i am possibly moving to the cape at some point in the near future or i will be moving to hawaii and attending hawaii pacific university in a marine biology program. i am working with seaworld orlando and have a position waiting for me once i get scuba certified and some good college courses under my belt. they told me i will have to start off small and then get to main main goal which is working with orcas and training with them. they said it takes a few years to get where i want to be but they are helping me to take courses and things i should get involved in. i am still working with dss and my outreach worker to find a place to live in that i can afford. my aunt wants me to be out of the ouse by february 1st so i have no idea where i am going to go. i think i will just pitch a tent somewhere till i find a place to live or can afford a place. i think i should get into a hospital program. i am very depressed and unmotivated to do things in life. i eat no stop and must have gained a ton of weight. i been sleeping all the time and dont have motivation for school or anything andi just cannt figure out what it is. my aunt is a big factor she is always having trouble with work and our relationship is no where where it used to be and that is very depressing in my view. i mean everyone i care about is gone. i have pushed them away. i dont know how to keep them and i am always pushing people away cause i am selfish, self centered, and always unmotivated and i dont want to be hurt by anyone because i have been hurt so many times before. i just want to find love and get married have animals live on the cape and adopt some kids thats all but no thats too hard. one day one day.........