"what's the worst that I could say?"
He just sat there, amazed at how everything was really made of plastic.
Abandon is staying at my house for a few days again. I'm far too enticed by that word... "Abandon (n.): a total lack of inhibition."
I didn't really want to go to prom, I didn't want to be part of it. I wish I had just gone to a play instead. But afterwards I couldn't help but feel amazingly(temporarily) happy and free.
I walked around the house, I talked to certain people, I even danced my ass off with these girls who danced really wild. They lauded my ability to "get down", and how low I could get down to the ground. Now my thighs ache so bad because of "getting down".
The best moment happened at the end of the dance.
And then I looked for Heather, and then we left.
I just wanted to go home, (actually I wanted to stay and do more. do more) but Heather and I went to see our good friend Cole. He had already left.
[ I am a strong believer that the things that happen are supposed to happen. We obviously make our own choices, but we make them for a reason. ]
Heather and I walked on the train tracks. I wasn't there at all. I was thinking of something else. I tried to make talk, some kind of talk. I think I just made her angrier. She even cried on the way. I didn't even notice.
(and Heather, I know you're going to ask me "what's that something else?". But I just can't bring myself to tell you. I don't have to, really. So don't bother asking.)
I was thinking of something else...
And thus came the beginnings of "i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love...."
I came home, tried to numb myself, but it just tasted horrible, i quit. i chose to talk to her instead, and marvel in my own "new emotion of the week!".
I taped that phrase on my walls, on pieces of paper.
I played that song forever. I swear it. It even kept playing while I went to sleep, and after I went to sleep, and after I came back from sleep.
It was still there, and it's still there now.
Sunday I was feeling very much the same. Except I went out and worked. Manual labour, I should have known better, it only gives my body something to do while my mind indulges itself to death.
There was this quote I read and loved. And it went something like this.... "I used to think that my brain was the most important organ in my body, but then I realized who was telling me this."
Monday morning came with a beautiful host. Her name was Helena.
I heard her calling me. I swear, even in my sleep, even as that damn song still played, I heard her. And so I went to her, and I couldn't believe all the things she told me, and it made me sad, and it made me miss her, but not as much as it made me love her.
I told her I loved her, because I really did.
How lovely it will be, darling, when you get your car, and you can drive somewhere far away, and tell no one about it.
And if you feel up to it, you can kidnap me. We'll drive to the beach like you said, smoking cigarettes and listening to our favourite songs. And then walk on that cold sand, and tell each other the things we really meant to tell each other.
And it will be.... it will be...
Before she left my bedroom and went away, she was nice enough to tell me "julian, don't have a lover you don't have to love". I started to feel better, honest.
The words are still on my walls, mirror, and tv screen. The melody came out on my piano while I was fading away. It was delightful.
I finally understand the meaning of that song, and the saddest part is that I never thought I would.
Helena, I never wanted to have a lover I didn't have to love, believe me. But if I didn't, I would feel as though I was never really alive.
I wish you could make me think otherwise.
Abandon is staying at my house for a few days again. I'm far too enticed by that word... "Abandon (n.): a total lack of inhibition."
I didn't really want to go to prom, I didn't want to be part of it. I wish I had just gone to a play instead. But afterwards I couldn't help but feel amazingly(temporarily) happy and free.
I walked around the house, I talked to certain people, I even danced my ass off with these girls who danced really wild. They lauded my ability to "get down", and how low I could get down to the ground. Now my thighs ache so bad because of "getting down".
The best moment happened at the end of the dance.
And then I looked for Heather, and then we left.
I just wanted to go home, (actually I wanted to stay and do more. do more) but Heather and I went to see our good friend Cole. He had already left.
[ I am a strong believer that the things that happen are supposed to happen. We obviously make our own choices, but we make them for a reason. ]
Heather and I walked on the train tracks. I wasn't there at all. I was thinking of something else. I tried to make talk, some kind of talk. I think I just made her angrier. She even cried on the way. I didn't even notice.
(and Heather, I know you're going to ask me "what's that something else?". But I just can't bring myself to tell you. I don't have to, really. So don't bother asking.)
I was thinking of something else...
And thus came the beginnings of "i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love i want a lover i don't have to love...."
I came home, tried to numb myself, but it just tasted horrible, i quit. i chose to talk to her instead, and marvel in my own "new emotion of the week!".
I taped that phrase on my walls, on pieces of paper.
I played that song forever. I swear it. It even kept playing while I went to sleep, and after I went to sleep, and after I came back from sleep.
It was still there, and it's still there now.
Sunday I was feeling very much the same. Except I went out and worked. Manual labour, I should have known better, it only gives my body something to do while my mind indulges itself to death.
There was this quote I read and loved. And it went something like this.... "I used to think that my brain was the most important organ in my body, but then I realized who was telling me this."
Monday morning came with a beautiful host. Her name was Helena.
I heard her calling me. I swear, even in my sleep, even as that damn song still played, I heard her. And so I went to her, and I couldn't believe all the things she told me, and it made me sad, and it made me miss her, but not as much as it made me love her.
I told her I loved her, because I really did.
How lovely it will be, darling, when you get your car, and you can drive somewhere far away, and tell no one about it.
And if you feel up to it, you can kidnap me. We'll drive to the beach like you said, smoking cigarettes and listening to our favourite songs. And then walk on that cold sand, and tell each other the things we really meant to tell each other.
And it will be.... it will be...
Before she left my bedroom and went away, she was nice enough to tell me "julian, don't have a lover you don't have to love". I started to feel better, honest.
The words are still on my walls, mirror, and tv screen. The melody came out on my piano while I was fading away. It was delightful.
I finally understand the meaning of that song, and the saddest part is that I never thought I would.
Helena, I never wanted to have a lover I didn't have to love, believe me. But if I didn't, I would feel as though I was never really alive.
I wish you could make me think otherwise.