racewalk lamentations, and a big consolation
i hauled my groggy slept-at-3:30am self out of bed today at 5:45. i must really like racewalking, huh.
got to ULTRA at around 6:30, just in time to start warming up with the rest of the team. it was joyce, nikko and myself - being a racewalker in ateneo doesnt feel like a real sport amongst the decathletes and sprinters warming up next to me.
i raced - walking that is - as fast as my 'athleticism' could afford. i overtook two, then was overtaken myself in the last 200 meters. i wasnt disqualified this time, i finished. time to beat for the next race: 10.37.
two initial feedbacks - a congratulatory high-five from my driver, and a nod of approval from one of the judges. i passed my coach walking to the judges hut. he had seen my race, and i anticipated him to say something about it. but all i got was something like "soooooo..." i dont even remember what he said exactly. but i do recall feeling incredibly lame afterwards. like that feeling u get when you paint a mediocre picture and when you show it to your parents. they dont really know what to say about it, but they say something anyways cause theyre obliged to, you being a reflection of their parenthood and all.
i dont blame anyone but myself. after all, who else can you point fingers to when it was YOU yourself who finished 10th out of a pack of 14? and i know the future doesnt look that much better for me. ive only been doing this for a year, and for sure not as intensively as ms.7minutes. ive never stayed at something in which i was so sure of failing. its new for me, and i feel like im motivated - for once - by something other than being better than everysinglepersonoutthere.
coach mick said today that "my teamate is my favourite opponent". he never how deeply struck me. everytime i race, and i see the familiar blue of the ateneo jersey on another, i cant help but feel a little ambivalent - i want to be faster and stronger, and eventually overtake her. but at the same time, i want, so badly, to see her overtake me.
gosh im really not liking racewalking. i must really like my team, huh.
