Part 2: HELL HATH NO FURY
If you're curious, here are the emails I copied and pasted to Octavio that outline the events of the last 3 times we saw each other and explain how I have decided to cut him out of my life completely.
Hey!
How are you doing?
I saw Octavio again last night. I'm throwing in the towel. I won't waste any more time on someone who has always taken me for granted.
I was nervous to see him again, since it's been at least a year, if not two.
He assumes I'm still the same girl I was when he almost gave me a chance. I'll admit, I don't even know him right now. I'd like to know who he's become, but I don't, and I never made any assumptions or judgments as to the kind of person he is.
He told me last night while we were in bed that he thought I was crazy. How sweet, right?
Yeah, when you're judging me on the actions of the 19-21 year-old you used to know, I was pretty crazy. Few girls 19-21 can be viewed as sane when they're in and out of some crazy mind-fuck of a long distance half-relationship with someone who wouldn't say for sure whether or not we were together. In fact, few 19-21 year-old girls are sane.
We obviously don't spend too much time together, but to sum up the last three times...
Last night: We met at the venue where his friend's band was playing. Afterwards, we went to my apartment with some beer and had sex. I woke up around 4:30 in the morning and he was getting dressed to leave. I asked him why he didn't just stay, and he said he'd hit traffic in the morning. So what? If you actually give a damn about someone, you don't just have sex with her, wait for the beer buzz to wear off, and then leave her. I should have told him, "So what? I'm not worth it?" If I'm not worth driving through traffic for, then why did I just spend the last 5 years loving him?
Last January: A friend asked me to ride with her to LA, so I asked him if I could stay with him for a few nights. It was short notice, but he said he would pick me up when I got to LA. I wouldn't have gone if I couldn't stay with him, because I had nowhere else to go or any reason to be there other than to see him. I called him that night when I got there, and he complained it was too far--it was the wrong side of LA, apparently, which would have been a good thing to tell someone from SF who knows nothing about SoCal. So he said to call him tomorrow. I stayed with my friend that night, but called him again the next day. Then he told me that week was really bad for him after all and that I should just stay with my friend. She was going out of town that night, so I found this guy that I barely knew on myspace from my hometown and living in LA. I stayed with him, and he ended up becoming a good friend. Even though he lived within 15 minutes of Octavio, I never saw him that trip. When I got home, I deleted his number from my phone and didn't speak to him for over a year. I should have kept it that way.
Sometime before that: We made plans to meet in Sacramento while he was visiting. He said he was going to be leaving from Tahoe the day we were meeting. When I was on the train 10 minutes outside of Sacramento, he sent me a text that said he'd decided to stay in Tahoe another day and couldn't meet. I told him to get his ass over to Sacramento and pick me up, because if he doesn't, he's a complete shithead. That's not verbatim, but it pretty much summed up my general attitude, since we had plans. We had even scheduled a time and a place to meet. He KNEW I was almost there, and if he didn't he wasn't thinking clearly, because he was supposed to pick me up 20 minutes after I got his text. He picked me up about two hours after I arrived. Then he went to a gas station for a six pack of beer and took me to a motel. Classy. He drove me straight to the bus station afterwards and told me that his whole family was over. I'd never felt so horrible in my life as I did on the way home that day.
I have loved him unconditionally with every cell in my body for six years after that, and he never once stepped up or seemed to return any sign of affection. Now, after writing this email, I'm starting to wonder why. He has no idea what he had from me. What's the point in loving someone who manages to disappoint me in the worst way every time I see him?
Am I doing the right thing if I cut him out of my life completely? And if so, do I tell him or just cut off all contact without any explanation? And he simply doesn't want me as a part of his life, so I feel like I should stay out of it.
-Jodi
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Hi
I don't mind the long email Jodi. I'm sorry to hear that you're thinking about giving up on a relationship. If I understand your message correctly, it is the lack of honesty. I know how you feel about him, but does he? He needs to hear everything you have told me in this message from you if you haven't already done so. The next time you meet or talk on the phone make sure that you have sufficient time to sit down and ask him about the relationship you two have. You'll find out how he feels and go from there. But if it turns out that your friendship will not move on to the next level of a committed relationship then leave it at that. After all Jodi, there are so many more to choose from out there. You don't deserve to be disrespected in any way, so let him know that is what he is doing before the friendship is damaged. I truly hope you are doing well otherwise.
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Hey again
The thing is, we're not in a relationship. He has led me on and after 6 years of that, I would be stupid to expect anything more. Prolonging contact just feeds it all and puts me through an emotional roller coaster.
Hmmm, so you think I should tell him everything? I know your last email said spill it all, but I've done that in the past and honesty is how I got this "crazy" comment from him in the first place.
Either way, I can't see him giving it much thought beyond more evidence that I am crazy or something.
Other than that, I am doing pretty well. I'm not sure if I told you or not, but I am extremely content with my new apartment in the city! It's weird after you are catapult from college and smack into the cold pavement of the real world... especially when it's in San Francisco. There's foot-in-the-ass-reality and phycho-fantasy-hippie-land wrapped up in the same place.
Oh yeah, I'm also compiling a bunch of writing over the next few years for an autobiography.
So I'm doing alright, besides that! Thanks for all the advice, too. :)
Jodi