(no subject)
i need sum vitamin DEEEEEEEEE!!!!
i hate feeling so depressed, but i fall sooooo easily. today, a very best friend dished out to me and i felt so bad, i had nothing that i could say. nothing maybe inspiring or hopeful. i just feel so grey. my heart feels heavy and my feet feel heavier. i have so many things to be proud of and to look forward to, but everytime i try to think about them, i feel ... guilty. like im supposed to dwell. why, i have no reason to, no one has wronged me, and i have tried my hardest to wrong anybody, to keep things to myself. so i think ive done okay in that department, yet why do i feel like caca?
i did cut my sisters hair today ... and i cut my sisters friends hair yesterday. i have some pictures ... i would upload but i dont have the energy. my hands are brutal, i cut the shit out of my hands, im not used to the scissors i have, they are too long and i kept cutting into my hand. my hands are all crusty and a wee bit bloody. *shudder*. but she likes it though i am a bit dissapointed, i could have done a better job, i should be more patient. i rushed it. thankfully she had really long hair.
who wants to go away in the summer? take a vacay. i need to get away. even if just road trip it somewhere, who the fuck cares where, just somewhere ...
i want to pack, i love to pack, i always tend to over do it, and don't even use half the things i bring. onethingthat always makesme laugh is that usually, my hair/styling/make up products take up a bigger luggage than my clothes. ifeel like i was born to be a makeup artist, or fashionista or hairdresser. something like that. yet im too afraid to go after it, i might not like it.
yesterday i broke down infront of my mom for like a split second when she asked me how i felt about my job, i made the mistake of telling her i hate it and let go too much emotion. i dont want her tobe worried, i know they need my help. trying to be selfless, but getting up somedays really sucks. especiall on mondays.
i know i haven't been alot of things and i know ive been a bunch of other things, not always completely good, but not always completely bad either, but i can never forget. i guess thats a leos trait, you can forgive almost anything but yourself and you can never forget. you always carry it with you. i think ashleys entry tonight was dead on what i was trying to write out yesterday. i dunno. i have no way with words, im the word butcher. everything i try to say i completly fuck up, i just dont have that talent, to say or write what i feel. so envious of you [ashley] and kayzor for being amazing writers....
you know what i never really admit to anyone ... but i feel like it just ooooozes out of me. i am so envious, of so many of my friends that sometimes it brings out this super bad person in me. and as much as i try to push it away or to focus on other things, sometimes i cant. i am so envious of adrielle because of her way with people and especially males, and her boobs! i am envious of kristi because of everything she has, her family and her legs. i am envious of mike, so envious ... like God, why didn't you make me mike? he was born into such a wonderful family, with all the luxuries in the world and is soooo talented at what he does, like i feel so uncreative and stupid around him. i am so envious of ashley, becasue she just seems to be talented at everything that she does, whatever it is, shes good or even great, like i dont know of anything that shes not good at, and that everyone responds to her ... everyone wants to be a part of whats she into. im envious of christine, becuase she never gave a fuck, not even her parents had control over her decisions, i am so envious of her courage for not giving a shit and for her hair and lips ... of brad because hes so humble and noble and just such a good person, i feel like such a bad person around brad. like i don't deserve to be his friend...
and it makes me wonder ... what im worth ... why would anyone want to be around me, or be my friend. im a flake, a bit vengeful and angry. i hold everything against everyone, even if i know they can't but be who they are. and im a drama queen and vain and self absorbed and pessimistic. im depressive and frustrated and neurotic ... and paranoid.
argh. i feel grey.
i hate feeling so depressed, but i fall sooooo easily. today, a very best friend dished out to me and i felt so bad, i had nothing that i could say. nothing maybe inspiring or hopeful. i just feel so grey. my heart feels heavy and my feet feel heavier. i have so many things to be proud of and to look forward to, but everytime i try to think about them, i feel ... guilty. like im supposed to dwell. why, i have no reason to, no one has wronged me, and i have tried my hardest to wrong anybody, to keep things to myself. so i think ive done okay in that department, yet why do i feel like caca?
i did cut my sisters hair today ... and i cut my sisters friends hair yesterday. i have some pictures ... i would upload but i dont have the energy. my hands are brutal, i cut the shit out of my hands, im not used to the scissors i have, they are too long and i kept cutting into my hand. my hands are all crusty and a wee bit bloody. *shudder*. but she likes it though i am a bit dissapointed, i could have done a better job, i should be more patient. i rushed it. thankfully she had really long hair.
who wants to go away in the summer? take a vacay. i need to get away. even if just road trip it somewhere, who the fuck cares where, just somewhere ...
i want to pack, i love to pack, i always tend to over do it, and don't even use half the things i bring. onethingthat always makesme laugh is that usually, my hair/styling/make up products take up a bigger luggage than my clothes. ifeel like i was born to be a makeup artist, or fashionista or hairdresser. something like that. yet im too afraid to go after it, i might not like it.
yesterday i broke down infront of my mom for like a split second when she asked me how i felt about my job, i made the mistake of telling her i hate it and let go too much emotion. i dont want her tobe worried, i know they need my help. trying to be selfless, but getting up somedays really sucks. especiall on mondays.
i know i haven't been alot of things and i know ive been a bunch of other things, not always completely good, but not always completely bad either, but i can never forget. i guess thats a leos trait, you can forgive almost anything but yourself and you can never forget. you always carry it with you. i think ashleys entry tonight was dead on what i was trying to write out yesterday. i dunno. i have no way with words, im the word butcher. everything i try to say i completly fuck up, i just dont have that talent, to say or write what i feel. so envious of you [ashley] and kayzor for being amazing writers....
you know what i never really admit to anyone ... but i feel like it just ooooozes out of me. i am so envious, of so many of my friends that sometimes it brings out this super bad person in me. and as much as i try to push it away or to focus on other things, sometimes i cant. i am so envious of adrielle because of her way with people and especially males, and her boobs! i am envious of kristi because of everything she has, her family and her legs. i am envious of mike, so envious ... like God, why didn't you make me mike? he was born into such a wonderful family, with all the luxuries in the world and is soooo talented at what he does, like i feel so uncreative and stupid around him. i am so envious of ashley, becasue she just seems to be talented at everything that she does, whatever it is, shes good or even great, like i dont know of anything that shes not good at, and that everyone responds to her ... everyone wants to be a part of whats she into. im envious of christine, becuase she never gave a fuck, not even her parents had control over her decisions, i am so envious of her courage for not giving a shit and for her hair and lips ... of brad because hes so humble and noble and just such a good person, i feel like such a bad person around brad. like i don't deserve to be his friend...
and it makes me wonder ... what im worth ... why would anyone want to be around me, or be my friend. im a flake, a bit vengeful and angry. i hold everything against everyone, even if i know they can't but be who they are. and im a drama queen and vain and self absorbed and pessimistic. im depressive and frustrated and neurotic ... and paranoid.
argh. i feel grey.