Need A Vent
I need to get out. I sometimes miss my psychosis. I can't focus on any particular thought. I keep rushing to new activities without sticking with them. Guitar, coding, video games. I can't keep my mind focused on one thing. Is the medication part to blame? I miss the voices. They gave me motivation and made me feel so important. That seems to be a trend amongst those on the schizophrenia forums.
I want to start vlogging but I don't have an exciting enough life. When I go to Shanghai I will start. I also don't like how I look on camera. I am too fat. I can see it in my face and I hate it. And I'm really trying to lose that weight by going to the gym.
I hate those scars too. Can't get rid of them. Biggest mental block I don't know how to get over. How could anyone love me knowing what I did to myself? And I've had three mental breakdowns. I guess I really do need that medicine.
But Thursday I'm going to do some tablet training for my new job at Maravilla. I'm going to be a green home surveyor. I'm a little skeptical and a little optimistic as to how profitable this job will be. Thankfully, shamefully, I have income coming in that allows me to survive.
God, I miss my playboy life in China. I miss having sex with beautiful girls. I miss studying for a purpose. I miss always going to dinners with friends, bars and clubs, and having a general adventure every week.
I've become selfish and always look for the easy way out. That's how my parents think of me. It's sad but true.
But maybe this cathartic writing is what I need to get up. I keep looking for something to spark me off. I need to shave.
I want to start vlogging but I don't have an exciting enough life. When I go to Shanghai I will start. I also don't like how I look on camera. I am too fat. I can see it in my face and I hate it. And I'm really trying to lose that weight by going to the gym.
I hate those scars too. Can't get rid of them. Biggest mental block I don't know how to get over. How could anyone love me knowing what I did to myself? And I've had three mental breakdowns. I guess I really do need that medicine.
But Thursday I'm going to do some tablet training for my new job at Maravilla. I'm going to be a green home surveyor. I'm a little skeptical and a little optimistic as to how profitable this job will be. Thankfully, shamefully, I have income coming in that allows me to survive.
God, I miss my playboy life in China. I miss having sex with beautiful girls. I miss studying for a purpose. I miss always going to dinners with friends, bars and clubs, and having a general adventure every week.
I've become selfish and always look for the easy way out. That's how my parents think of me. It's sad but true.
But maybe this cathartic writing is what I need to get up. I keep looking for something to spark me off. I need to shave.