Tradition!
In 2004, I was a senior in high school and an avid LiveJournaler, like my closest friends were at that time as well. I seem to be very gifted in satire, and the first and best example of this fact has become somewhat of a tradition in my life. On Easter Thursday of that year, I wrote a piece that drew wide swaths of laughter from the classroom as it made its rounds, and in 2005 it was suggested that I post it once more, in memoriam. Since then, every Easter has been harkened in my bleak boring world by another installment of the repetitive, yet strangely humourous string of reposts that started back in high school. For your reading pleasure, here is this year’s update of the full unabridged text of that original LJ post; the seventh such annual update. Enjoy.
Amidst all the celebratory Easter gunfire and the ritualistic consumption by tiny children of outrageous amounts of sugar and other confections, I have noticed a disturbing image. While the religious implications of Easter are undeniable and profound, the main point for even some semi-religious people has become bunnies, eggs, and ducklings. This, however, should be deemed common knowledge, and as such will be discussed no further.
The point that I am making is much more chilling. I have discovered a hidden meaning to the Easter holiday.
The whole connection between Lent and Easter is mainly dietary, obviously…I mean, probably three quarters of people give up some kind of food for Lent. However, on Easter they eat heartily of all those naughty food-stuffs like chocolate and malt balls.
Which brings me to the main topic. For I have determined, after much study and deliberation (in other words, it hit me as I was sitting here performing this delicious yet despicable act myself), that Easter, apart from serving as an annual Christian milestone, is solely devoted to the promotion of rabbit eating.
Yes, you heard me right. While I have no qualms about shooting a rabbit in rabbit season and eating it, the look on those toddlers faces as they, in one fell swoop, take the head clear off of their 24-pound chocolate bunny is simply bone-chilling. Frankly, I can’t believe I never noticed this before. It’s as if the Pagan tradition of rabbits and the Catholic symbolism of the end of Lent have culminated in some sort of strange twilight zone in which rabbits are brutalized (out of season, I might add) by the very people that love beauty and innocence…much like they love their mommies.
I believe that I will be setting up a task force to find all of the surviving chocolate rabbits, and save them from this most horrible fate by setting them free in the wilderness, so we can kill them when they are legal.
I will be setting up this task force this week, with a sign up sheet in the cafeteria. Unlike most task forces, however, I only have room for about six people. We will collect as many chocolate rabbits that we can afford, and then film ourselves releasing them.
I might add that if they do not take to the wild easily, we will be sacrificing our dignity and eating them ourselves in the gentlest way possible, so as to protect them from the ‘partial eating’ torture so common among these pre-school killers.
With that, I leave you with no poem, because I am simply too tired to write one, but we can say that it’s because I did such a good job on the preceding essay. Thank you.
-Chupes
Amidst all the celebratory Easter gunfire and the ritualistic consumption by tiny children of outrageous amounts of sugar and other confections, I have noticed a disturbing image. While the religious implications of Easter are undeniable and profound, the main point for even some semi-religious people has become bunnies, eggs, and ducklings. This, however, should be deemed common knowledge, and as such will be discussed no further.
The point that I am making is much more chilling. I have discovered a hidden meaning to the Easter holiday.
The whole connection between Lent and Easter is mainly dietary, obviously…I mean, probably three quarters of people give up some kind of food for Lent. However, on Easter they eat heartily of all those naughty food-stuffs like chocolate and malt balls.
Which brings me to the main topic. For I have determined, after much study and deliberation (in other words, it hit me as I was sitting here performing this delicious yet despicable act myself), that Easter, apart from serving as an annual Christian milestone, is solely devoted to the promotion of rabbit eating.
Yes, you heard me right. While I have no qualms about shooting a rabbit in rabbit season and eating it, the look on those toddlers faces as they, in one fell swoop, take the head clear off of their 24-pound chocolate bunny is simply bone-chilling. Frankly, I can’t believe I never noticed this before. It’s as if the Pagan tradition of rabbits and the Catholic symbolism of the end of Lent have culminated in some sort of strange twilight zone in which rabbits are brutalized (out of season, I might add) by the very people that love beauty and innocence…much like they love their mommies.
I believe that I will be setting up a task force to find all of the surviving chocolate rabbits, and save them from this most horrible fate by setting them free in the wilderness, so we can kill them when they are legal.
I will be setting up this task force this week, with a sign up sheet in the cafeteria. Unlike most task forces, however, I only have room for about six people. We will collect as many chocolate rabbits that we can afford, and then film ourselves releasing them.
I might add that if they do not take to the wild easily, we will be sacrificing our dignity and eating them ourselves in the gentlest way possible, so as to protect them from the ‘partial eating’ torture so common among these pre-school killers.
With that, I leave you with no poem, because I am simply too tired to write one, but we can say that it’s because I did such a good job on the preceding essay. Thank you.
-Chupes