Tales of a shattered heart.
Love,
I feel that I've ruined everything inbetween us, From the complaining, yelling, being paranoid, to not trusting him, even to threatening my life because I want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel now that I've lost him I want nothing more then to spend my life at his side, To be his partner, to never stray away again. I want more then anything to see him happy, See him never be sad again, I feel that me being around, will always bring him down because I have this strong love that I've never felt before and he loves another. I even went to the point that I wanted to try and seperate him from a wonderful guy, though now I feel like I'm shit. Comparing myself I see that I am a burden, that even if they last and live together I can never be. I can never live with them. He could never truely be around me or see me in real life. I know we will never meet now because my love is irrational. My thoughts are beyond reason.. My abilities to control myself are weak. I am the reason we fell apart. I am the undoing of the best person I ever found. My temper, my attitude, my personality, my lack of the ability to trust, and my sexual appetite. I am the person who helped open up this new world to him in the hopes that we could spend it together. Though I find that I have helped many find this world. I feel as the ferryman who brings them into it only to be left alone with the memories in the form of coins used as fee to cross. My heart weigh's heavy with the memories of my past. It clouds my ability to trust. Though I have a undeniable want to be with him. I see nothing I could not do to make him happy,. I see my flaw, that no matter how hard I try, how much I beg or cry, I may never win his love again. That letting him see me like this all the time only hurts him more and pushes him further away. Even though in my mind I think maybe him seeing me like this will make him want to be there for me. I see that it pushes him away. It makes him scared to be close to me, because he worries that if he did get close and lose interest in me again. The thought of seeing me suffer that much would tear him apart inside. The meer thought of bringing me suffering like that I bet tortures him inside. I don't want him to feel that way. I don't want him to worry. I only want his love.. His long term companionship. To spend my life with him. To give myself entirely to him and not care about the rest of the world. Go where ever it is he wants. Do whatever he desires. I want more then anything to be his shining star that brings him all the happiness in the world.. The weight of it all weighing on my spirit I feel I should detach myself from him in the hopes that I can become strong and live on. At the same time give him the peace he needs. By removing myself from the equation I can let him focus more on his relationship with the guy he has instead of being burdened with the sorrows of this sad spirit. I feel I should depart and give up the space I once gave. Give in and just leave it all behind and press on into the future or check in to a place where I may never come out of. I want him happy and even though it may be that he wants me to stick around. Seeing him with someone else ... anyone else other then me will always hurt me and always torture my spirit, and I feel that I can not be strong enough to wear a mask for him to cover my feelings. As well I wish not to trouble him with my feelings of jealousy and hatred toward who ever it may be. I want him to be happy, at any cost. I say that there is nothing I couldn't do to make him happy though I feel that being strong enough and watching him go from mate to mate... and sleep with them all. I know I'm not strong enough. I don't want to see his heart broken as he moves on and changes partners. I don't want to always hear the firm NO when I ask if we could ever be together again.
All I want is another chance, another possiblity to be his love, his companion, his mate, his wife, his partner in crime, his betroved. I know given the chance I'd probably try harder then I've ever tried for anything in my life. I'd work my hardest to give him anything he'd desire even if it was something that had the highest price of all. There is so much in life that I've wanted but spending my life with him out weighs it all. My heart belongs to him even though it's not desired. I wish I could change the sands of time and make everything perfect for him. I wish I could change myself and better myself so that I can be a better person for me. I know maybe if I become a better person and become happier. That there still could be a chance for me to be happy again. Right now the only way I'll be happy is if I make myself happy. I need to take care of myself, eat right, get in shape, and prepare myself for a long life span, I love him.... I hope we can find love again. I don't know how we will if I detach from him. Perhaps maybe in another life,,
I feel that I've ruined everything inbetween us, From the complaining, yelling, being paranoid, to not trusting him, even to threatening my life because I want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel now that I've lost him I want nothing more then to spend my life at his side, To be his partner, to never stray away again. I want more then anything to see him happy, See him never be sad again, I feel that me being around, will always bring him down because I have this strong love that I've never felt before and he loves another. I even went to the point that I wanted to try and seperate him from a wonderful guy, though now I feel like I'm shit. Comparing myself I see that I am a burden, that even if they last and live together I can never be. I can never live with them. He could never truely be around me or see me in real life. I know we will never meet now because my love is irrational. My thoughts are beyond reason.. My abilities to control myself are weak. I am the reason we fell apart. I am the undoing of the best person I ever found. My temper, my attitude, my personality, my lack of the ability to trust, and my sexual appetite. I am the person who helped open up this new world to him in the hopes that we could spend it together. Though I find that I have helped many find this world. I feel as the ferryman who brings them into it only to be left alone with the memories in the form of coins used as fee to cross. My heart weigh's heavy with the memories of my past. It clouds my ability to trust. Though I have a undeniable want to be with him. I see nothing I could not do to make him happy,. I see my flaw, that no matter how hard I try, how much I beg or cry, I may never win his love again. That letting him see me like this all the time only hurts him more and pushes him further away. Even though in my mind I think maybe him seeing me like this will make him want to be there for me. I see that it pushes him away. It makes him scared to be close to me, because he worries that if he did get close and lose interest in me again. The thought of seeing me suffer that much would tear him apart inside. The meer thought of bringing me suffering like that I bet tortures him inside. I don't want him to feel that way. I don't want him to worry. I only want his love.. His long term companionship. To spend my life with him. To give myself entirely to him and not care about the rest of the world. Go where ever it is he wants. Do whatever he desires. I want more then anything to be his shining star that brings him all the happiness in the world.. The weight of it all weighing on my spirit I feel I should detach myself from him in the hopes that I can become strong and live on. At the same time give him the peace he needs. By removing myself from the equation I can let him focus more on his relationship with the guy he has instead of being burdened with the sorrows of this sad spirit. I feel I should depart and give up the space I once gave. Give in and just leave it all behind and press on into the future or check in to a place where I may never come out of. I want him happy and even though it may be that he wants me to stick around. Seeing him with someone else ... anyone else other then me will always hurt me and always torture my spirit, and I feel that I can not be strong enough to wear a mask for him to cover my feelings. As well I wish not to trouble him with my feelings of jealousy and hatred toward who ever it may be. I want him to be happy, at any cost. I say that there is nothing I couldn't do to make him happy though I feel that being strong enough and watching him go from mate to mate... and sleep with them all. I know I'm not strong enough. I don't want to see his heart broken as he moves on and changes partners. I don't want to always hear the firm NO when I ask if we could ever be together again.
All I want is another chance, another possiblity to be his love, his companion, his mate, his wife, his partner in crime, his betroved. I know given the chance I'd probably try harder then I've ever tried for anything in my life. I'd work my hardest to give him anything he'd desire even if it was something that had the highest price of all. There is so much in life that I've wanted but spending my life with him out weighs it all. My heart belongs to him even though it's not desired. I wish I could change the sands of time and make everything perfect for him. I wish I could change myself and better myself so that I can be a better person for me. I know maybe if I become a better person and become happier. That there still could be a chance for me to be happy again. Right now the only way I'll be happy is if I make myself happy. I need to take care of myself, eat right, get in shape, and prepare myself for a long life span, I love him.... I hope we can find love again. I don't know how we will if I detach from him. Perhaps maybe in another life,,