(no subject)
I came quite close just now to justifying why I could write such self-pitying drivel in my journal... it was then that I realised I sound like a spotty angst-ridden 15-year old girl. Well, if I'm going to sound like that, I may as well make a fair effort at it.... ;-)
So, it's been a few days now without my Nata. Really weird stuff going on in my mind - there's about 4 things working at once (notice my inability to count up to 4). Firstly, I'm feeling sorry for myself - I'm sad that I've got dumped and that now I'm going to be loooonely and my heart will bleed. Not specifically about Natasha, just about myself. That's a gay emotion and I try to ignore it.
Secondly, there's part of me that actually does miss her. I was thinking I was doing alright - we spoke Monday and Tuesday evenings and everything was cool, and I was quite fatalistic when telling people about it on Monday. When I saw her again yesterday, things got to me, but the chemistry was quite strong; on the other hand, I resisted flirting with her too much and just played it cool. Maybe. But then today I got a bit shaken on seeing her and became a little bitter... she got to me more than I thought, despite my melodramatic ramblings on Sunday.
Thirdly, there's this big debate about how to act. You see, the door has been left ajar - possibly. So many unanswered questions that I'm trying to answer, and attempting to second-guess her answers - which given that I failed to spot a bloody big upset in our relationship in the first place, probably isn't the most productive thing. Why did we break up? Can we get back together? How should I act with her to get back together? Do I want to? The thing is, I know we won't, and I know we shouldn't, but I still like that door being ajar and I don't want to do anything to shut it. I don't know how often to meet her, to text her, to call her; whether to be flirty or more formal; whether to make her FEEL the breakup or to let her have what she wants. I know that I should act as I feel but in between all these thoughts I don't actually know what my own feelings are.
Fourthly, there's a part of me that's over her already... it sounds weird, but in fact everything wasn't rosy. She did things to piss me off. Today I was thinking that the opposite is true. I know I'm a pretty selfish person and I didn't change at all for her, in any major way. I could have been a better person and done things differently. I can't even tell you what specifically I miss about her. BUT I do miss something, and if I can't put my finger on it then I've got to assume it's something deep down there. The way I know that I care for her is because I'm kinda happy for her - I think in a lot of ways she's made the right decision. I want her to be happy in the future even if it means I need to be sad right now. That kinda helps me to move on even as it pisses me off.
Nat's pretty much all I think about at the moment :-P On Monday I was too busy to do much thinking, but Tuesday and today were terrible... today I grew depressed. There are other influences too though - I'm very tired and it's very cold out AND I'm not eating right- not having enough time for regular meals.
I think the main idea must just be to live my life without her, to assume we've broken up for good, to stop trying to please her and connive to get her back and, if she genuinely does miss me, then she'll do so because she misses what we had, not some image I'm trying to conjure up for her to lure her back. Then, I'll think about what I want from her :-P
Life is pretty gay... I wish I could fast-forward to the end and view the edited highlights. I'd love to know how this story turns out, but I don't want to be part of it :-))
So, it's been a few days now without my Nata. Really weird stuff going on in my mind - there's about 4 things working at once (notice my inability to count up to 4). Firstly, I'm feeling sorry for myself - I'm sad that I've got dumped and that now I'm going to be loooonely and my heart will bleed. Not specifically about Natasha, just about myself. That's a gay emotion and I try to ignore it.
Secondly, there's part of me that actually does miss her. I was thinking I was doing alright - we spoke Monday and Tuesday evenings and everything was cool, and I was quite fatalistic when telling people about it on Monday. When I saw her again yesterday, things got to me, but the chemistry was quite strong; on the other hand, I resisted flirting with her too much and just played it cool. Maybe. But then today I got a bit shaken on seeing her and became a little bitter... she got to me more than I thought, despite my melodramatic ramblings on Sunday.
Thirdly, there's this big debate about how to act. You see, the door has been left ajar - possibly. So many unanswered questions that I'm trying to answer, and attempting to second-guess her answers - which given that I failed to spot a bloody big upset in our relationship in the first place, probably isn't the most productive thing. Why did we break up? Can we get back together? How should I act with her to get back together? Do I want to? The thing is, I know we won't, and I know we shouldn't, but I still like that door being ajar and I don't want to do anything to shut it. I don't know how often to meet her, to text her, to call her; whether to be flirty or more formal; whether to make her FEEL the breakup or to let her have what she wants. I know that I should act as I feel but in between all these thoughts I don't actually know what my own feelings are.
Fourthly, there's a part of me that's over her already... it sounds weird, but in fact everything wasn't rosy. She did things to piss me off. Today I was thinking that the opposite is true. I know I'm a pretty selfish person and I didn't change at all for her, in any major way. I could have been a better person and done things differently. I can't even tell you what specifically I miss about her. BUT I do miss something, and if I can't put my finger on it then I've got to assume it's something deep down there. The way I know that I care for her is because I'm kinda happy for her - I think in a lot of ways she's made the right decision. I want her to be happy in the future even if it means I need to be sad right now. That kinda helps me to move on even as it pisses me off.
Nat's pretty much all I think about at the moment :-P On Monday I was too busy to do much thinking, but Tuesday and today were terrible... today I grew depressed. There are other influences too though - I'm very tired and it's very cold out AND I'm not eating right- not having enough time for regular meals.
I think the main idea must just be to live my life without her, to assume we've broken up for good, to stop trying to please her and connive to get her back and, if she genuinely does miss me, then she'll do so because she misses what we had, not some image I'm trying to conjure up for her to lure her back. Then, I'll think about what I want from her :-P
Life is pretty gay... I wish I could fast-forward to the end and view the edited highlights. I'd love to know how this story turns out, but I don't want to be part of it :-))