Finding a reprieve
As an alcoholic, you have to be able to sit back and respect those people who do what you do, but they do it in a clean and normal way. They don't go buy a fifth, or a 12 pack, they simply do other, normal things to get them away from the shitty life they have, they are afraid to leave, or just feel guilted into being stuck with. I wish i could sleep 10 hours instead of 6, maybe that would get me 4 more hours of relief from this life. I wish instead of a drink, i could just read for 2 more hours to keep my mind away. Perhaps spend countless days with family, just to avoid a lot of the problems that appear when they are not near. I, unfortunately, am not built that way. I am an alcoholic, god didn't make me this way, i did. I did it by turning my back on god, and by doing shit my way. I don't know what to do to make people happy anymore. I seem to be disappointing everyone, and i don't know how to stop the snowball. I wish i knew what to do, and i'm trying to have god help me find what to do. What i could do to take certain people out of their shitty depressed lives they feel guilted into having. Guilted by a past that was horrible, guilted by ending so badly. It's ok for me to feel like this, but others should not have to endure the same pain i endure. They should get a chance to be happy, a chance to be with someone they don't have to find a reprieve from. They should get a chance to be with someone they love and want to have and love forever. I am an unfortunate as AA would say. Some people are born this way. Some people have nothing but self contempt and self pity. They believe the world is against them, they believe there loved ones will leave them, they believe they are destined to be alone and depressed and not them nor god can drag them out of it. I hope he can, I pray he can. The way i feel now i wouldn't wish on anyone. When you know someone you're with, you love so much, and the best thing you could do for her is let her go, blow it up, but you're so damn self centered that you only care about how happy she makes you when she wants to be with you for those 2 or 3 hours. i feel bad for her, and i wish i could find the courage to let her go and for her to find someone she didn't need to take hours upon hours away do to their anger, their control issues, their self pity. God will help me, i know he will, he has to. If he doesn't, then i guess i'm pretty well fucked. It's a difficult thing not having the strength to let someone go and also the strength to realize they hate you and need to find ways to distance themselves from you. I will get my help, god will find me. She may be the best for me, but i know that i'm not the best it'll ever get for her