Ended sobriety and the cassie situation
Well after making it 24 days of sobriety i ended it friday night. Call it what you will. Say i'm weak, that i had no shot, that i am not strong enough to quit a habit. The point of my sobriety was that i wanted to prove that i wasn't an alcoholic. In my mind, i accomplished that. I went 24 days without taking a drink. Yes i worked a lot and was alone alot, but for me to believe that at least 6-8 of those nights weren't big temptations, then i am full of it. The situation with ol' girl next door would damn sure drive me to drinking normally. The going out to bars, bar b-q fest, house parties would have me drinking usually. My point is that for at least a week of temptation, i said no. Alcohol waved constantly in front of me, alcohol sitting in my fridge and freezer, alcohol that could have been bought for me, all of which i said no to. After drinking friday night, one thing became pretty apparent to me. I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. You know, maybe i wanted to believe that i had a problem. Hell, i know i wanted to believe that i had a disease. It's so much easier to place that blame on a disease than to be responsible and say what really is wrong. The truth is that i got fucked up on St. Patty's Day and made a poor decision to drive home. I ain't an alcoholic. I went to a strip club last night, stayed sober as a judge. The worry may come from the fact that i can't seem to have a good time without alcohol. I don't think that makes me an alcoholic though, it just means i don't like to be in a party atmosphere and not be able to party. The real reason i do the sobriety is due to chance of being caught and having to start my program again. I can't afford it. I am paying 75 bucks a week, 600 bucks over 2 months. And after the whole thing is said in done, with program fees, court fees and other shit this AA is going to cost me somewhere around 1500 bucks i figure. The point is why fucking add on more to that. If i get caught with something in my system i have to start over. That means this month of classes i've attended is worthless. The 200 bucks i've dropped on them was a waste. I don't want that, i can't afford that. I think it was just nice to have something to blame. I like trying to take responsibility, but even sometimes it feels nice to go back to being irresponsible. Not taking accoutability and just using an excuse for why you do things. Truth is i'm 23, alcohol isn't the reason i have no friends, the reason i haven't graduated, or the reason i procrastinate through life. I am the reason for these flaws. The personality is the reason for my flaws, not the drinking. Hopefully, i can start taking more responsibility of my life and quit using "i'm an alcoholic" as an escape goat to the problems of it. Speaking of problems and situations, i got one called a cassie situation. My perspective of love is so fucking retarded that i'm not sure if i know what it is. I believe i love this chick with all my heart. It's not about the sex, though it's amazing. It's not about spiting friends, though that's fun. It's being able to hold someone. It's being able to look into someone's eyes and it makes you feel better. It's about seeing a smile and can't help from smiling yourself. It's companionship, compashion, and overall just a beautiful thing. It's regretting that you ever have to leave her and unable to contain your joy when you see her again. I write this out for me to see. I was trying to kill this off the way i've tried to kill it off with everyone i ever think i had a concept of love with. The problem is that cassie wouldn't let it go. She's the first chick in a while who wouldn't let me put my armor back on. Maybe she doesn't feel the way i do, but at least i hope she does. I've told her how i've felt and i've shown her how i care. I just hope that all the effort isn't for nothing. As for now though, i am hopeful and surprisingly trusting. I trust what she says and how she feels. Like i said, i just am sitting back staying positive for now.