It's the Sena and Princess Banana Helmet show!
PBH: ...and then he was drawing swastikas on everything and talking about the master race coming back and I'm just like, "Ari Goldfarb, what is wrong with you?"
**********
Me: Okay, so we can slut shame and call her a whore, but let's be honest. If you could fuck all those boys in bands, wouldn't you?
PBH: No!
Me: I think you're lying.
PBH: I would not fuck Cash Colligan! Would you fuck Cash Colligan?
Me: Okay, well now you're just being gross.
**********
PBH: Nobody tells you this shit! Nobody tells you! They say that you're going to bleed out of your vagina once a month, but that doesn't really help. Because they don't tell you that one month you are going to bleed for eighteen days straight and then you aren't going to get your period for six months and then you're going to bleed for one day and you'll think it's over but then three days later you're gonna bleed so much all you can do is sit on the toilet and bleed out your internal organs. They never tell you that stuff in health class. Your period might be slightly irregular at first, yeah, fucking understatement.
**********
Me: And I'm like, "Man, that looks good, but do I have Tums in my purse because I might get heartburn." Like, when did that happen? When did I get so old that I actually started worrying about heartburn before it happens?
PBH: I know, right? Like, I know I can have one wine cooler and be fine, but two gives me the trots. When did I start using the phrase "gives me the trots?" When? When did that happen?
**********
Me: ...and I was kind of startled because she hated Dave Matthews so much and I've never met anyone who actually hated Dave Matthews to the point they were foaming at the mouth with rage. And she asked me who I hated, and I was like, "Well, there are some types of music I'm not a huge fan of but I've never actually hated anyone so much that I--oh, no, wait, there's this band called Never Shout Never..."
**********
PBH: How was your run?
Me: Well, I'm not really over my cold, yet, so I can't really breathe out of my nose, so you know that fat mouthbreather at the gym that makes everyone else feel uncomfortable? That was me.
**********
Me: ...it's not like I'm a stalker or anything.
PBH: Don't you know Ryan Ross' home address?
Me: Well, it's not like I have it memorized. It's, it's in a file somewhere. I'm not any creepier than any other Panic fan.
PBH: Think about what you just said and think about how that's really not saying much.
**********
PBH: Hold on, I have to read you the best poem. It's amazing. It's just so, so...I just have to read it for you to understand. Ready?
Me: Sure.
PBH: *clears throat* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! When I come to the club, step aside, oh shit. Part the seas, don't be having me in line, oh shit. VIP cause you know I gotta shine, oh shit. Fergie Ferg and me love you long time, oh shit.
Me: *laughs hysterically while she reads the entire song in a clear, dramatic tone*
PBH: The symbolism of the fall of the London Bridge is really powerful, you know?
Me: *dies*
**********
Me: So, I'm doing this new thing where I respond to comments.
PBH: You are not.
Me: No, I totally am!
PBH: Liar.
Me: Okay, most of my comments. On my stories. You know I get social anxiety.
PBH: You get social anxiety on a computer and in real life you just walk up to total strangers and have conversations with them.
Me: Don't judge me. And that's not the point. The point is that people say that they like the way I write Ryan because he's hilarious and weird and I realized that really, I'm writing him as you.
PBH: I...I don't know what to do with that.
Me: No, look, every story needs a character to say the really hilarious and fucked up things that most people wouldn't say. I give Ryan Ross your lines. You're my Ryan Ross.
PBH: I think I need to shower that knowledge off me.
**********
Me: ...I mean, that's what I tell all the girls I work with whenever they think they might be pregnant. A friend thinks she's pregnant and you just offer to push her down the stairs. It's the polite thing to do.
PBH: I think maybe you don't understand what the word polite means.
**********
Me: Okay, so we can slut shame and call her a whore, but let's be honest. If you could fuck all those boys in bands, wouldn't you?
PBH: No!
Me: I think you're lying.
PBH: I would not fuck Cash Colligan! Would you fuck Cash Colligan?
Me: Okay, well now you're just being gross.
**********
PBH: Nobody tells you this shit! Nobody tells you! They say that you're going to bleed out of your vagina once a month, but that doesn't really help. Because they don't tell you that one month you are going to bleed for eighteen days straight and then you aren't going to get your period for six months and then you're going to bleed for one day and you'll think it's over but then three days later you're gonna bleed so much all you can do is sit on the toilet and bleed out your internal organs. They never tell you that stuff in health class. Your period might be slightly irregular at first, yeah, fucking understatement.
**********
Me: And I'm like, "Man, that looks good, but do I have Tums in my purse because I might get heartburn." Like, when did that happen? When did I get so old that I actually started worrying about heartburn before it happens?
PBH: I know, right? Like, I know I can have one wine cooler and be fine, but two gives me the trots. When did I start using the phrase "gives me the trots?" When? When did that happen?
**********
Me: ...and I was kind of startled because she hated Dave Matthews so much and I've never met anyone who actually hated Dave Matthews to the point they were foaming at the mouth with rage. And she asked me who I hated, and I was like, "Well, there are some types of music I'm not a huge fan of but I've never actually hated anyone so much that I--oh, no, wait, there's this band called Never Shout Never..."
**********
PBH: How was your run?
Me: Well, I'm not really over my cold, yet, so I can't really breathe out of my nose, so you know that fat mouthbreather at the gym that makes everyone else feel uncomfortable? That was me.
**********
Me: ...it's not like I'm a stalker or anything.
PBH: Don't you know Ryan Ross' home address?
Me: Well, it's not like I have it memorized. It's, it's in a file somewhere. I'm not any creepier than any other Panic fan.
PBH: Think about what you just said and think about how that's really not saying much.
**********
PBH: Hold on, I have to read you the best poem. It's amazing. It's just so, so...I just have to read it for you to understand. Ready?
Me: Sure.
PBH: *clears throat* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! When I come to the club, step aside, oh shit. Part the seas, don't be having me in line, oh shit. VIP cause you know I gotta shine, oh shit. Fergie Ferg and me love you long time, oh shit.
Me: *laughs hysterically while she reads the entire song in a clear, dramatic tone*
PBH: The symbolism of the fall of the London Bridge is really powerful, you know?
Me: *dies*
**********
Me: So, I'm doing this new thing where I respond to comments.
PBH: You are not.
Me: No, I totally am!
PBH: Liar.
Me: Okay, most of my comments. On my stories. You know I get social anxiety.
PBH: You get social anxiety on a computer and in real life you just walk up to total strangers and have conversations with them.
Me: Don't judge me. And that's not the point. The point is that people say that they like the way I write Ryan because he's hilarious and weird and I realized that really, I'm writing him as you.
PBH: I...I don't know what to do with that.
Me: No, look, every story needs a character to say the really hilarious and fucked up things that most people wouldn't say. I give Ryan Ross your lines. You're my Ryan Ross.
PBH: I think I need to shower that knowledge off me.
**********
Me: ...I mean, that's what I tell all the girls I work with whenever they think they might be pregnant. A friend thinks she's pregnant and you just offer to push her down the stairs. It's the polite thing to do.
PBH: I think maybe you don't understand what the word polite means.