Journal- Sunday, August 26th, 2007- 1:05pm
I'm a student of VCU now, but I hope I will be a student of my future first. I'm here to stretch my brain, exercise my creativity, and strengthen my logic. I'm stuck in cynicism, against my fellow first years, along side the second years, and in conflict with my professors. They desire the enthusiasm the first years seem propelled by--I know it will soon fade in those individuals. Others exclaim excitement without heart; they are scared, intimidated, and eager to please both their peers and their superiors--their professors.
Why is it that I'm already weathered? Where is the motivation that everyone here expects of me? Why don't I feel like getting in was an achievement? Can't I just be here for the ride?
These assignments seem personal, but I guess I don't really know me. I seem to be in constant pursuit of the elusive "me." I've defined myself by my activities, my friends, my boyfriends, my music, and by quips and phrases I created as an easy answer, a canvas others see an image on, a definition they can read and comprehend and accept. Does anyone really know themselves in the way I strive to? I've always imagined they did but maybe their canvases are just richer, and more vibrant.
I don't want to be a person who accepts their own definition of themselves and is content--that person is limited.
I want my definition to grow and stretch and be shaped by the moment, by what pushes me in life, not a comfortable box with safe, visible boundaries. Can my definition be "limitless?" That seems like I'm cheating myself to assert such a vague, easy answer. Everything would fit under than umbrella, and suddenly I'm no better than those who hold strict boundaries and are content to be content.
I want to be uncomfortable, to question, to experiment, and try to be someone I'm not just to find that person is part of me. I want to see my life as more than a chronological list of events, more than mistakes to learn from and success to validate my attempts.
I want to know I'm going to react to the things and people and stresses and opportunities around me with spontaneity and the bliss of a first experience, not as a mathematical response to stimuli. I don't want to be predictable--by the same token, I don't want to be defined by unpredictability. I just need more impulse and emotion as driving factors, and not only that, but for those factors to be present innately, not in conscious effort.
I recall now my frustration with the greeting e-mails. Each of those people wanted to give us them in a tidy, unique package. They wanted to be colloquial, diverse, intriguing--a taste of what was to come. I saw it all as an equation. A casual introduction to feign confidence--a list of musical artists to show how unique and far-reaching their tastes were (obviously a tribute to their personal path in music and their drive to discover new art--completely ignoring the fact that this also keeps them form having to commit to a personal, honest answer of "favorite")--a random fact that is posited as natural in the introduction, but meant to make their person more poignant, sporadic, and spontaneous, as if such pieces of them were key to their being, when in reality, the entire email, and the person it was meant to display, was entirely strategic. I felt they pushed me further away from actually knowing them by carefully constructing a person they aren't. It created boundaries, obstacles, instead of opened themselves up to me. The emails didn't excite me to meet these folks--it made me question what I was getting myself into.
What would I have written? I've been called out before on the answers I've given enough to consider them prepared. Unfortunately, I think I would have gotten away with them here.
I envy those who see creative opportunity so easily. It doesn't have to be a known opportunity for them. They not only get excited, but motivated. They act. They paint their room, garden in the yard, organize through design. Why won't I take the tie? Is this where I find myself reaches it's boundary and meets my idealized self without ever crossing over? Why does it feel so fake to try to make myself do those things? And why can I only be inspired by others? Where are my own creative desires?
I know this element of the problem: I won't take the time to consider. Either I am too motivated (either by pure motivation or stress) to act, or I am busy acting on other things. My new apartment offers a new opportunity--I'm proud to have even recognized it. But I'm afraid I won't act on it.
To me, time is productivity. It's more precious than money. I can't be calm without it. I force myself into organization to stay sane. True--this doesn't allow for creativity and going with the moment. I've validated my own point. Is this validation my downfall? If I can explain why I can't reach my idealized self because of a truth about myself, can my idealized self ever be realized without cheating? With the conscious effort I refuse to employ? Eliminated the previous truth is just as false.
So with all this questioning of self, how can I create something as a reflection of my life without only skimming the surface to display a series of events? How do I define myself currently--by friends? Family? Alex? Passions? I could only hope to believe friends or passion- family and Alex currently don't hold my reigns (and I should hope Alex never does, in effort to remain an individual and have something to share with him), but where are my friends? how active are friends currently in my life? How active are my passions? neither drive or motivate me--passions may but life doesn't allow for it. I only have so much time and money to dance. I have no access to a piano. I have no one to play violin or sing with. I left my camera at home. I've abandoned my ceramics. What do I have left? Advertising? I've been given, am following, an opportunity to get excited about advertising, but I can't feel it.
The answer seems elusive as ever. It seems I won't find it in this uninspired assignment, but beginning an active conversation with myself about it is a good start I suppose. I will not be creative for the sake of being creative. I will get more out of this assignment. I won't stop growing here. I'm excited to see where this goes.
2:31pm
Why is it that I'm already weathered? Where is the motivation that everyone here expects of me? Why don't I feel like getting in was an achievement? Can't I just be here for the ride?
These assignments seem personal, but I guess I don't really know me. I seem to be in constant pursuit of the elusive "me." I've defined myself by my activities, my friends, my boyfriends, my music, and by quips and phrases I created as an easy answer, a canvas others see an image on, a definition they can read and comprehend and accept. Does anyone really know themselves in the way I strive to? I've always imagined they did but maybe their canvases are just richer, and more vibrant.
I don't want to be a person who accepts their own definition of themselves and is content--that person is limited.
I want my definition to grow and stretch and be shaped by the moment, by what pushes me in life, not a comfortable box with safe, visible boundaries. Can my definition be "limitless?" That seems like I'm cheating myself to assert such a vague, easy answer. Everything would fit under than umbrella, and suddenly I'm no better than those who hold strict boundaries and are content to be content.
I want to be uncomfortable, to question, to experiment, and try to be someone I'm not just to find that person is part of me. I want to see my life as more than a chronological list of events, more than mistakes to learn from and success to validate my attempts.
I want to know I'm going to react to the things and people and stresses and opportunities around me with spontaneity and the bliss of a first experience, not as a mathematical response to stimuli. I don't want to be predictable--by the same token, I don't want to be defined by unpredictability. I just need more impulse and emotion as driving factors, and not only that, but for those factors to be present innately, not in conscious effort.
I recall now my frustration with the greeting e-mails. Each of those people wanted to give us them in a tidy, unique package. They wanted to be colloquial, diverse, intriguing--a taste of what was to come. I saw it all as an equation. A casual introduction to feign confidence--a list of musical artists to show how unique and far-reaching their tastes were (obviously a tribute to their personal path in music and their drive to discover new art--completely ignoring the fact that this also keeps them form having to commit to a personal, honest answer of "favorite")--a random fact that is posited as natural in the introduction, but meant to make their person more poignant, sporadic, and spontaneous, as if such pieces of them were key to their being, when in reality, the entire email, and the person it was meant to display, was entirely strategic. I felt they pushed me further away from actually knowing them by carefully constructing a person they aren't. It created boundaries, obstacles, instead of opened themselves up to me. The emails didn't excite me to meet these folks--it made me question what I was getting myself into.
What would I have written? I've been called out before on the answers I've given enough to consider them prepared. Unfortunately, I think I would have gotten away with them here.
I envy those who see creative opportunity so easily. It doesn't have to be a known opportunity for them. They not only get excited, but motivated. They act. They paint their room, garden in the yard, organize through design. Why won't I take the tie? Is this where I find myself reaches it's boundary and meets my idealized self without ever crossing over? Why does it feel so fake to try to make myself do those things? And why can I only be inspired by others? Where are my own creative desires?
I know this element of the problem: I won't take the time to consider. Either I am too motivated (either by pure motivation or stress) to act, or I am busy acting on other things. My new apartment offers a new opportunity--I'm proud to have even recognized it. But I'm afraid I won't act on it.
To me, time is productivity. It's more precious than money. I can't be calm without it. I force myself into organization to stay sane. True--this doesn't allow for creativity and going with the moment. I've validated my own point. Is this validation my downfall? If I can explain why I can't reach my idealized self because of a truth about myself, can my idealized self ever be realized without cheating? With the conscious effort I refuse to employ? Eliminated the previous truth is just as false.
So with all this questioning of self, how can I create something as a reflection of my life without only skimming the surface to display a series of events? How do I define myself currently--by friends? Family? Alex? Passions? I could only hope to believe friends or passion- family and Alex currently don't hold my reigns (and I should hope Alex never does, in effort to remain an individual and have something to share with him), but where are my friends? how active are friends currently in my life? How active are my passions? neither drive or motivate me--passions may but life doesn't allow for it. I only have so much time and money to dance. I have no access to a piano. I have no one to play violin or sing with. I left my camera at home. I've abandoned my ceramics. What do I have left? Advertising? I've been given, am following, an opportunity to get excited about advertising, but I can't feel it.
The answer seems elusive as ever. It seems I won't find it in this uninspired assignment, but beginning an active conversation with myself about it is a good start I suppose. I will not be creative for the sake of being creative. I will get more out of this assignment. I won't stop growing here. I'm excited to see where this goes.
2:31pm