Livin' On A Prayer
I have a bad headache, which is probably going to keep me up for awhile. It's one of those headaches that I got whenever I went over to the apartment while at school. It starts just above my left eye in the front of my head, and then spreads slowly...
I feel like an absolute bitch lately. Probably because I'll be ridding myself of a "friend" that doesn't treat me or anyone else very well. I feel like I should give them a second chance, when in reality, I've already given them TWO second chances. I really don't enjoy doing this, and I seem to think that the consequences and all fo the mutual friends I have with them are probably not going to like me again, but really I have all the friends I need. Plus, I have a lot of friends that I made in high school that I won't be losing anytime soon that have my back at all times. They trust my judgements, and they'll be there for me no matter what. In another reality, as long as I keep taking my medications, I really cannot fail in life. Yeah, everyone needs friends, but everyone needs friends that treat them with the respect and dignity that they deserve. I've already consulted several friends about this decision. There's no other way out of this problem. Either you like me and you treat me like your friend, or you don't and then I cut you loose. I can't put up with another friend treating me like shit. I've been through that once already, and I absolutely refuse to do it again.
I feel like I owe this person an apology; because I've talked about this with others, but I've not consulted with them about the situation. IF and WHEN I do, all that will be said is that I cannot be their friend anymore. I cannot be treated like shit. They obviously have other priorities, that are getting in the way of them being able to be my friend. I feel like a fucking third wheel when I'm with them and another one of my close friends. I hate how that happens, and that I feel like that.
I also hate watching someone slowly tear themselves apart. I can see something bad happening. Bad things have happened this past semester, but I can truly see worse things happen. I can see the presence of a terrible disease, and really it won't take long to completely unravel. Though, they are not aware of it, I am, and no matter what I say about it, they won't care. Most of the time they never cared about what I said to begin with. They may have acted like it at some point in time, but I know and am in tune with reality, and I know that they did not care. Yes, they may have acted like a friend a couple times, but when it comes down to it, being torn apart by a "friend" does not make that person your friend. Being told (in a round-about way) that you think you are the center of the universe, and you are an arrogant bitch, is not something one would want to hear from their supposed friend. Seeing as I know those things are not true, I'm not even going to worry about it.
Then again, also being told that I don't know MY FAMILY also pissed me off more than anything...but that's not up for debate right now...
I've learned a lot this past semester. One of my best friends warned me about a guy that she knew that I had a thing for. Thought he had the same thing for me...based on a situation, turned out he didn't. Never did. Great way to break a girl's heart....makes me want to completely scratch him out of my mind, but for some reason I can't. Don't know if I can really consider him a friend anymore or not, because I have no idea where we stand. I try to be nice and talk to him, in hopes that I can fill the void in my heart that he made, but he seems uninterested in talking to a friend...
I can see that because of my over-analysis of everything, my world seems to be falling apart once again. Great, that's exactly what I need right now.
Not to mention there's another guy. One that I absolutely enjoy spending time with. Although, I seem to think that he's avoiding me some now. Maybe he's just busy with work and what not, but maybe I am coming off as annoying.... Not sure. I'd like to be able to have some form of a relationship with a guy that I ACTUALLY like. Guess that's never going to happen at the rate I've been going since middle school. Fuck. How do I manage to fuck it up every time? Is it me? Or are most guys just pricks? Who knows; I'll probably never find out; wish that I could matter to some guy...somewhere...
I miss Jessica and Megan. Although, I have talked to them both in the past couple days. They seemed to be the ones who kept me sane...and they're not at home with me. They agree that I have every right to discontinue that certain friendship, and I thank them for seeing things from my point of view. I know that there will be lots of problems when all of this gets out to the right people, and I'm not at all prepared for it. Not one bit. I have no idea what I'm going to do then. I'll probably hide from every single person I know for a long time, and hope that they will all just forget about me. And then when I'm ready, I'll come out of hiding and reveal myself to only those that truly care about me... I like to think that I've made a difference to someone, or in someone's life. God knows a lot of my really good friends have been there for me through thick and thin, and they've given me so much! And they know it too, because I tell them countless times that I am so thankful to have them as friends. If I haven't told you, or you've never read something like this before with these exact words, then you clearly do not pay any attention to me, and likely you are not a close friend of mine.
I'm just really scared right now. Of what's going to happen in the next few weeks. I have to inform ONE person as of right now, that I will no longer be accepting of the friendship of someone who is one of their friends as well... I feel like I need to prepare myself to be ripped into pieces, and put down yet again. I honestly have never had someone make me feel so badly in my entire life. Yes, I've been in arguements with friends, but between two people I've never felt so badly about myself. I've never been ashamed of myself, except in circumstances that are health related, and yet, two people made me feel like absolute scum of the earth.
I just don't know what to do. I can't sit at home all summer long and ponder this. I've got to get it taken care of. I feel like something bad is going to happen, and something will come about that will cause me a lot of problems, and I'll end up back into my depressive mode. A few know what happens when I become truly depressed. If I fall back into depression because of this matter, somebody better be around to help me out of it, because if I don't come out of it, let's just say no one will ever have to worry about me again.
I feel a need to get some sleep; that is, if I can. Jess and Megan--I love you guys! Thanks for backing me up; and I can't wait to see you guys this week! I miss you so much!
Mere...we need to talk! About everything...you need to know some things that I've never told you before... I can't wait to see you either!!
Goodnight world. God Bless you! And God help me...
I feel like an absolute bitch lately. Probably because I'll be ridding myself of a "friend" that doesn't treat me or anyone else very well. I feel like I should give them a second chance, when in reality, I've already given them TWO second chances. I really don't enjoy doing this, and I seem to think that the consequences and all fo the mutual friends I have with them are probably not going to like me again, but really I have all the friends I need. Plus, I have a lot of friends that I made in high school that I won't be losing anytime soon that have my back at all times. They trust my judgements, and they'll be there for me no matter what. In another reality, as long as I keep taking my medications, I really cannot fail in life. Yeah, everyone needs friends, but everyone needs friends that treat them with the respect and dignity that they deserve. I've already consulted several friends about this decision. There's no other way out of this problem. Either you like me and you treat me like your friend, or you don't and then I cut you loose. I can't put up with another friend treating me like shit. I've been through that once already, and I absolutely refuse to do it again.
I feel like I owe this person an apology; because I've talked about this with others, but I've not consulted with them about the situation. IF and WHEN I do, all that will be said is that I cannot be their friend anymore. I cannot be treated like shit. They obviously have other priorities, that are getting in the way of them being able to be my friend. I feel like a fucking third wheel when I'm with them and another one of my close friends. I hate how that happens, and that I feel like that.
I also hate watching someone slowly tear themselves apart. I can see something bad happening. Bad things have happened this past semester, but I can truly see worse things happen. I can see the presence of a terrible disease, and really it won't take long to completely unravel. Though, they are not aware of it, I am, and no matter what I say about it, they won't care. Most of the time they never cared about what I said to begin with. They may have acted like it at some point in time, but I know and am in tune with reality, and I know that they did not care. Yes, they may have acted like a friend a couple times, but when it comes down to it, being torn apart by a "friend" does not make that person your friend. Being told (in a round-about way) that you think you are the center of the universe, and you are an arrogant bitch, is not something one would want to hear from their supposed friend. Seeing as I know those things are not true, I'm not even going to worry about it.
Then again, also being told that I don't know MY FAMILY also pissed me off more than anything...but that's not up for debate right now...
I've learned a lot this past semester. One of my best friends warned me about a guy that she knew that I had a thing for. Thought he had the same thing for me...based on a situation, turned out he didn't. Never did. Great way to break a girl's heart....makes me want to completely scratch him out of my mind, but for some reason I can't. Don't know if I can really consider him a friend anymore or not, because I have no idea where we stand. I try to be nice and talk to him, in hopes that I can fill the void in my heart that he made, but he seems uninterested in talking to a friend...
I can see that because of my over-analysis of everything, my world seems to be falling apart once again. Great, that's exactly what I need right now.
Not to mention there's another guy. One that I absolutely enjoy spending time with. Although, I seem to think that he's avoiding me some now. Maybe he's just busy with work and what not, but maybe I am coming off as annoying.... Not sure. I'd like to be able to have some form of a relationship with a guy that I ACTUALLY like. Guess that's never going to happen at the rate I've been going since middle school. Fuck. How do I manage to fuck it up every time? Is it me? Or are most guys just pricks? Who knows; I'll probably never find out; wish that I could matter to some guy...somewhere...
I miss Jessica and Megan. Although, I have talked to them both in the past couple days. They seemed to be the ones who kept me sane...and they're not at home with me. They agree that I have every right to discontinue that certain friendship, and I thank them for seeing things from my point of view. I know that there will be lots of problems when all of this gets out to the right people, and I'm not at all prepared for it. Not one bit. I have no idea what I'm going to do then. I'll probably hide from every single person I know for a long time, and hope that they will all just forget about me. And then when I'm ready, I'll come out of hiding and reveal myself to only those that truly care about me... I like to think that I've made a difference to someone, or in someone's life. God knows a lot of my really good friends have been there for me through thick and thin, and they've given me so much! And they know it too, because I tell them countless times that I am so thankful to have them as friends. If I haven't told you, or you've never read something like this before with these exact words, then you clearly do not pay any attention to me, and likely you are not a close friend of mine.
I'm just really scared right now. Of what's going to happen in the next few weeks. I have to inform ONE person as of right now, that I will no longer be accepting of the friendship of someone who is one of their friends as well... I feel like I need to prepare myself to be ripped into pieces, and put down yet again. I honestly have never had someone make me feel so badly in my entire life. Yes, I've been in arguements with friends, but between two people I've never felt so badly about myself. I've never been ashamed of myself, except in circumstances that are health related, and yet, two people made me feel like absolute scum of the earth.
I just don't know what to do. I can't sit at home all summer long and ponder this. I've got to get it taken care of. I feel like something bad is going to happen, and something will come about that will cause me a lot of problems, and I'll end up back into my depressive mode. A few know what happens when I become truly depressed. If I fall back into depression because of this matter, somebody better be around to help me out of it, because if I don't come out of it, let's just say no one will ever have to worry about me again.
I feel a need to get some sleep; that is, if I can. Jess and Megan--I love you guys! Thanks for backing me up; and I can't wait to see you guys this week! I miss you so much!
Mere...we need to talk! About everything...you need to know some things that I've never told you before... I can't wait to see you either!!
Goodnight world. God Bless you! And God help me...