Crashing and burning for the first time in a long time...
So this week is already proving to be bad...
I am about ready to lose my temper, and goodness knows that if I lose my temper, it's not gonna be coming back anytime soon.
I had a dream last night that my life turned around completely, and my hair was going to grow back because I had somehow conquered Trich. I wish that that dream would come true, but we all know that that is unlikely to happen in real life... :(
So I'm starting to get really frustrated with myself. I am really starting to feel used by certain people. I want to know when I'm supposed to be able to tell people no. My dad has ALWAYS taught me ever since I was a young child that I should treat others the way I want to be treated, but lately I don't feel that I'm being treated the way I want to be, even though I am always nice to everyone, and I feel like I've been doing too much for people. I mean I have felt that way before, but never this badly. I used to feel that way with one of my best friends in high school, but it was different then than it is now. Will I ever be able to have my time to myself? I just want my "Amanda time" back. Oh, and I'm really getting pissed because people have told me that they will do something, or something for me, and they have yet to do it. ...and yet I still do things for them... Should I know when to stop? Should I disregard my father's words ever? Is it ok to want to be by myself, and to be able to do things on my own without someone standing over my shoulder every given second?
I've noticed that I used to do all this analyzing when I was severely depressed. I guess this may be making a difference now, seeing as I haven't taken my medicine in about four days, now going on five because I don't feel like taking it. My emotions and moods are jumping around right now. I dunno if it's due to my meds, or if I could be entering that wonderful TOM...
I just want to sit here and cry right now. Just because. I have the reason of feeling stressed, just a little bit, nothing like it could be, then I have the whole being annoyed, and getting pissed because of people and the things they do that annoy me, but I have managed to put up with until now.
Really, I don't want to get really pissed and start something, because if that happens I won't be talking to anyone for awhile, and they won't want to talk to me for at least a good week. That's the way it always goes...
I am, however, looking forward to being able to see MY Christopher and MY Merebear! I always feel so much better when I'm around them. I also better see Josh, or I may cry. There are too many people who will be home for summer that I will be able to go to if things happen to go wrong over the summer. Granted, over the summer I will also be in therapy for Trich, I'm hoping things will go better than usual. Yes, I've finally found TWO of the kind of therapists that I need to help me with Trich in the Des Moines area. And, I'm glad too, and my mom has okayed me going! I'm not going to get my hopes up though; I'm hoping that it will work, because if it doesn't I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to do with myself.
I feel fat and ugly this week. All I did all weekend was sit on my ass and eat a TON of shit food. I'm starting to look like I'm pregnant...NOT GOOD. Oh, and I'm getting cramps all over my body, and they hurt REALLY badly! I have no idea what's wrong with me...
All that is going on, and then there's the boys. The two boys that I adore...that barely know that I exist. I mean they used to, and did at one point. The one I REALLY like pretty much ignores me now. Can't figure out why. He gets kinda pissy when I talk to him online too...I wonder what I did? The other one I talk to quite frequently...everyday that I see him for art; but he calls me "buddy," don't think I can get a relationship out of that one either. It seems like everytime I start to like a guy, something in the back of my mind says, "don't fall for him..." It never tells me why not to fall for him, but that's all I hear, and then of course, I fall for them, and things go wrong, and I get screwed out of having a chance with them. Go figure...most of that we all know I blame on Trichotillomania...
I just want to get through this week and next week's finals...even though I don't really want this semester to be over with, I'm not doing too well right now. The best thing for me may to go home and be with my family, my sister especially. As well as to be able to see all my best friends; and talk to them, and have them be there for me again...and not be a hundred miles away...
I am about ready to lose my temper, and goodness knows that if I lose my temper, it's not gonna be coming back anytime soon.
I had a dream last night that my life turned around completely, and my hair was going to grow back because I had somehow conquered Trich. I wish that that dream would come true, but we all know that that is unlikely to happen in real life... :(
So I'm starting to get really frustrated with myself. I am really starting to feel used by certain people. I want to know when I'm supposed to be able to tell people no. My dad has ALWAYS taught me ever since I was a young child that I should treat others the way I want to be treated, but lately I don't feel that I'm being treated the way I want to be, even though I am always nice to everyone, and I feel like I've been doing too much for people. I mean I have felt that way before, but never this badly. I used to feel that way with one of my best friends in high school, but it was different then than it is now. Will I ever be able to have my time to myself? I just want my "Amanda time" back. Oh, and I'm really getting pissed because people have told me that they will do something, or something for me, and they have yet to do it. ...and yet I still do things for them... Should I know when to stop? Should I disregard my father's words ever? Is it ok to want to be by myself, and to be able to do things on my own without someone standing over my shoulder every given second?
I've noticed that I used to do all this analyzing when I was severely depressed. I guess this may be making a difference now, seeing as I haven't taken my medicine in about four days, now going on five because I don't feel like taking it. My emotions and moods are jumping around right now. I dunno if it's due to my meds, or if I could be entering that wonderful TOM...
I just want to sit here and cry right now. Just because. I have the reason of feeling stressed, just a little bit, nothing like it could be, then I have the whole being annoyed, and getting pissed because of people and the things they do that annoy me, but I have managed to put up with until now.
Really, I don't want to get really pissed and start something, because if that happens I won't be talking to anyone for awhile, and they won't want to talk to me for at least a good week. That's the way it always goes...
I am, however, looking forward to being able to see MY Christopher and MY Merebear! I always feel so much better when I'm around them. I also better see Josh, or I may cry. There are too many people who will be home for summer that I will be able to go to if things happen to go wrong over the summer. Granted, over the summer I will also be in therapy for Trich, I'm hoping things will go better than usual. Yes, I've finally found TWO of the kind of therapists that I need to help me with Trich in the Des Moines area. And, I'm glad too, and my mom has okayed me going! I'm not going to get my hopes up though; I'm hoping that it will work, because if it doesn't I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to do with myself.
I feel fat and ugly this week. All I did all weekend was sit on my ass and eat a TON of shit food. I'm starting to look like I'm pregnant...NOT GOOD. Oh, and I'm getting cramps all over my body, and they hurt REALLY badly! I have no idea what's wrong with me...
All that is going on, and then there's the boys. The two boys that I adore...that barely know that I exist. I mean they used to, and did at one point. The one I REALLY like pretty much ignores me now. Can't figure out why. He gets kinda pissy when I talk to him online too...I wonder what I did? The other one I talk to quite frequently...everyday that I see him for art; but he calls me "buddy," don't think I can get a relationship out of that one either. It seems like everytime I start to like a guy, something in the back of my mind says, "don't fall for him..." It never tells me why not to fall for him, but that's all I hear, and then of course, I fall for them, and things go wrong, and I get screwed out of having a chance with them. Go figure...most of that we all know I blame on Trichotillomania...
I just want to get through this week and next week's finals...even though I don't really want this semester to be over with, I'm not doing too well right now. The best thing for me may to go home and be with my family, my sister especially. As well as to be able to see all my best friends; and talk to them, and have them be there for me again...and not be a hundred miles away...