(no subject)
been a while. again. i didn't have internet for just long enough that i stopped thinking about writing (typing) stuff down for myself and anyone else who happens to scan through this. i've probably missed writing about some important milestone when it happened and now i'll never remember. oh well.
i am doing.... really, really good. i can see where a lot of people would say 'huh?' to that. i'm a 29-year-old unwed mother of two cooking third shift at the waffle house. how good could i possibly be? i could only respond that my frame of reference must be different than most. things between me and kevin have only been getting better and better. even when we fight, the entire experience is different. we'll occasionally get into it over something stupid because we're tired or cranky about something else, the way everybody does. the difference is that now, instead of stewing over it and clinging to improperly aimed anger, we deal with it. it seems like both of us, at near the same time, will realize that we're being stupid and we'll just stop for a few minutes. and then one of us, either one, will say something like 'look, i don't want us to be cranky with each other. i'm sorry i did/said something stupid or annoying. i didn't mean to make you angry/didn't realize it would make you angry. i'll try to remember that's something you're sensitive about. now let's get over it and go on with our day.' it's strange and yet amazingly effective. i think maybe we both realize how close we were to losing each other for good, and neither one of us wants to go back there. the random thought popped into my head the other day that for the first time in all the time we've been together, if he asked me to marry him i would say yes. i don't know that i ever felt that way before, and then suddenly there it was in my brain, all shiny and beautiful.
work is going good. i'm actually making more now than i was at plateau, and am currently waiting for another raise that been granted to show up on my checks. i know that technically we're in a recession but honestly i feel freer with money now that i ever have. my job is pretty damn secure. i'm the highest paid cook they have working the highest volume shifts, and they know i will do anything in my power to protect the store at all times. no giving away huge amounts of food. no double-ticketing and pocketing the money. no dealing in my parking lot. i will become a bouncer and kick out the one drunk homophobe so the rest of my customers can eat in peace. that fight kid rock had? never would have happened on my shift. i'd've kicked the guy out as soon as he started making noise. anyway, the point is that while my job may not be glamorous, i get paid enough to pay my bills, i get to see lots of people all the time, and i have basically the same job security as the undertaker. all the people i work with get along and are basically good people, which means work is almost like a fun place to go hang out and get paid. what more could you ask for, besides more money?
alexander is talking more and more and more. and he's so polite it's weird, because i have no idea where he picked it up. every day he says something new or says a word that i don't know where he picked up. the other day he was playing with the hose and he told me he needed to fill up with gas. he then pulled the hose over to his cozy coupe, stuck it in the hole in the side, and proceeded to fill the inside of the car with water. he told me today they needed to clean the sidewalk outside the city of cookeville building because it was gross. he's also started trying really hard to help. he's made his own sandwich a few times, and he likes to wipe up spills and fetch things. sometimes it backfires though, like today when he was the first to notice that nathaniel had a poopy diaper. he took the diaper off ni-ni and was waving it around for us to see. i'll let you figure out how that worked out. at the mcdonald's playspace today (his first ever trip, he had a blast), he was playing with another little boy who had a blue sticker , school mascot style, on his shirt. alexander pointed to it and asked me if it was a blue's clue. and i had to ignore him today in the line to pay the electric bill as he repeatedly announced to the whole room that behind us was 'a BIG man! a BIIIIIG man, mommy!' yeah. every day, at some point, is hilarious enough to bring tears to my eyes.
nathaniel is one of the most good-natured and laidback little boys i've ever seen. most of the time, anyway. he's almost always in a good mood, he loves to do little jigs on the table (which is why we keep all the chairs in the kitchen across the baby gate), and he loves to snuggle. he still isn't talking. he still rarely babbles. he has added a few more sounds to what he can/will make though: he now has na, da, and la in addition to his ma and ba. once i heard him say 'o'. and when you can get his attention, there is definite proof that he understands some basics. like no, come here, give me that, arms in sleeves. he's been giving a high five for a while now, and for the past week or so he's been giving kisses. when i say 'give mommy a kiss' and pucker up, he'll slowly lean toward me and just put his mouth up against mine. then i say 'yay! you gave kisses!' and he laughs and gets so excited that he does it again. twice now he's come up to me on his own and given me kisses.
i do have some concern for nathaniel. the speech delay is obvious but there's also a lack of gestures. he doesn't point, or understand to look at what's being pointed at. he doesn't wave. a lot of the time it just seems like he's not paying attention to anything, or he'll be totally fixated on something and it's hard to snap him out of it. he still largely shows his frustration, often very sudden, with self-inflicted injury. mostly headbanging. before he would slam his forehead on the floor, wall, edge of bathtub, whatever. these days he prefers to fling himself backwards and hit the back of his head. or headbutt someone. it's not frequent, but from time to time he will engage in some head-spinning. he has a good time walking on his tippy-toes. he won't ask for or accept assistance in any way. you can't hold his hand. i know that he's young and i'm deliberately trying not to think too much about it. but he does have an appointment thursday morning for a checkup and to begin the process of screening for autism. am i freaked out? you bet. but then he comes up to me on the couch to snuggle and he looks so damn cute and happy that i can't help but think that whatever he's got going on, he's cool with it. which means that, for the most part, i should be too. we shall see.
i am doing.... really, really good. i can see where a lot of people would say 'huh?' to that. i'm a 29-year-old unwed mother of two cooking third shift at the waffle house. how good could i possibly be? i could only respond that my frame of reference must be different than most. things between me and kevin have only been getting better and better. even when we fight, the entire experience is different. we'll occasionally get into it over something stupid because we're tired or cranky about something else, the way everybody does. the difference is that now, instead of stewing over it and clinging to improperly aimed anger, we deal with it. it seems like both of us, at near the same time, will realize that we're being stupid and we'll just stop for a few minutes. and then one of us, either one, will say something like 'look, i don't want us to be cranky with each other. i'm sorry i did/said something stupid or annoying. i didn't mean to make you angry/didn't realize it would make you angry. i'll try to remember that's something you're sensitive about. now let's get over it and go on with our day.' it's strange and yet amazingly effective. i think maybe we both realize how close we were to losing each other for good, and neither one of us wants to go back there. the random thought popped into my head the other day that for the first time in all the time we've been together, if he asked me to marry him i would say yes. i don't know that i ever felt that way before, and then suddenly there it was in my brain, all shiny and beautiful.
work is going good. i'm actually making more now than i was at plateau, and am currently waiting for another raise that been granted to show up on my checks. i know that technically we're in a recession but honestly i feel freer with money now that i ever have. my job is pretty damn secure. i'm the highest paid cook they have working the highest volume shifts, and they know i will do anything in my power to protect the store at all times. no giving away huge amounts of food. no double-ticketing and pocketing the money. no dealing in my parking lot. i will become a bouncer and kick out the one drunk homophobe so the rest of my customers can eat in peace. that fight kid rock had? never would have happened on my shift. i'd've kicked the guy out as soon as he started making noise. anyway, the point is that while my job may not be glamorous, i get paid enough to pay my bills, i get to see lots of people all the time, and i have basically the same job security as the undertaker. all the people i work with get along and are basically good people, which means work is almost like a fun place to go hang out and get paid. what more could you ask for, besides more money?
alexander is talking more and more and more. and he's so polite it's weird, because i have no idea where he picked it up. every day he says something new or says a word that i don't know where he picked up. the other day he was playing with the hose and he told me he needed to fill up with gas. he then pulled the hose over to his cozy coupe, stuck it in the hole in the side, and proceeded to fill the inside of the car with water. he told me today they needed to clean the sidewalk outside the city of cookeville building because it was gross. he's also started trying really hard to help. he's made his own sandwich a few times, and he likes to wipe up spills and fetch things. sometimes it backfires though, like today when he was the first to notice that nathaniel had a poopy diaper. he took the diaper off ni-ni and was waving it around for us to see. i'll let you figure out how that worked out. at the mcdonald's playspace today (his first ever trip, he had a blast), he was playing with another little boy who had a blue sticker , school mascot style, on his shirt. alexander pointed to it and asked me if it was a blue's clue. and i had to ignore him today in the line to pay the electric bill as he repeatedly announced to the whole room that behind us was 'a BIG man! a BIIIIIG man, mommy!' yeah. every day, at some point, is hilarious enough to bring tears to my eyes.
nathaniel is one of the most good-natured and laidback little boys i've ever seen. most of the time, anyway. he's almost always in a good mood, he loves to do little jigs on the table (which is why we keep all the chairs in the kitchen across the baby gate), and he loves to snuggle. he still isn't talking. he still rarely babbles. he has added a few more sounds to what he can/will make though: he now has na, da, and la in addition to his ma and ba. once i heard him say 'o'. and when you can get his attention, there is definite proof that he understands some basics. like no, come here, give me that, arms in sleeves. he's been giving a high five for a while now, and for the past week or so he's been giving kisses. when i say 'give mommy a kiss' and pucker up, he'll slowly lean toward me and just put his mouth up against mine. then i say 'yay! you gave kisses!' and he laughs and gets so excited that he does it again. twice now he's come up to me on his own and given me kisses.
i do have some concern for nathaniel. the speech delay is obvious but there's also a lack of gestures. he doesn't point, or understand to look at what's being pointed at. he doesn't wave. a lot of the time it just seems like he's not paying attention to anything, or he'll be totally fixated on something and it's hard to snap him out of it. he still largely shows his frustration, often very sudden, with self-inflicted injury. mostly headbanging. before he would slam his forehead on the floor, wall, edge of bathtub, whatever. these days he prefers to fling himself backwards and hit the back of his head. or headbutt someone. it's not frequent, but from time to time he will engage in some head-spinning. he has a good time walking on his tippy-toes. he won't ask for or accept assistance in any way. you can't hold his hand. i know that he's young and i'm deliberately trying not to think too much about it. but he does have an appointment thursday morning for a checkup and to begin the process of screening for autism. am i freaked out? you bet. but then he comes up to me on the couch to snuggle and he looks so damn cute and happy that i can't help but think that whatever he's got going on, he's cool with it. which means that, for the most part, i should be too. we shall see.