Lavos! I endured the darkness alone... for the sole purpose of defeating you!
Unless you count having breathed in a little ambient smoke from my fastidious designated-driver spot on the other side of the room, I've never used the illicit kind of mood-altering drugs. I've also never had major surgery before. So this steroids thing is novel for me.
I just feel like a slightly different, more difficult person on this stuff. I have a lot of sudden emotional peaks and troughs and bursts of enthusiasm and hyperbole. Small sensory things - the sight of a coffee stain on the counter, the feel of my new sweater - set off intense emotional reactions. I'm angrier than I'm comfortable with most of the time, though some of that's a function of the pain rather than the drugs.
I'm hiding in my room a lot to keep from snapping at my family over every little thing; my moods are just too friable to inflict on other people. (This is why I'm still not back at work. I do not need to be communicating with opposing counsel right now, there would be bloodshed.) My mental landscape is different, slightly dystopian and chilly. I keep doing little things to assert my control over the bedroom, to remind myself that I'm in charge. Light incense, turn on the humidifier, open and close the windows, rearrange books and clothes. I made a copy of my bedroom in Minecraft and started moving furniture around in there.
What's funny is how familiar it is. I felt this way all the time in high school. Apparently for me, puberty was just a low dose of steroids and pain. The sensation is a little like being Magus from Chrono Trigger
- all megalomaniacal, resentful, and fabulous.
I have more perspective on where I am right now, because, to continue the location metaphor, I've lived in other places now. But I definitely recognize where I am. The context, and the knowledge that it's temporary, make it an easier and more pleasant place to be, but it's still a little uncomfortable.
There's stuff I could stand to keep about this state. I like the extra energy, and the fact that food tastes better. Maybe I need to look into hacking my diet and exercise a little.
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I just feel like a slightly different, more difficult person on this stuff. I have a lot of sudden emotional peaks and troughs and bursts of enthusiasm and hyperbole. Small sensory things - the sight of a coffee stain on the counter, the feel of my new sweater - set off intense emotional reactions. I'm angrier than I'm comfortable with most of the time, though some of that's a function of the pain rather than the drugs.
I'm hiding in my room a lot to keep from snapping at my family over every little thing; my moods are just too friable to inflict on other people. (This is why I'm still not back at work. I do not need to be communicating with opposing counsel right now, there would be bloodshed.) My mental landscape is different, slightly dystopian and chilly. I keep doing little things to assert my control over the bedroom, to remind myself that I'm in charge. Light incense, turn on the humidifier, open and close the windows, rearrange books and clothes. I made a copy of my bedroom in Minecraft and started moving furniture around in there.
What's funny is how familiar it is. I felt this way all the time in high school. Apparently for me, puberty was just a low dose of steroids and pain. The sensation is a little like being Magus from Chrono Trigger
- all megalomaniacal, resentful, and fabulous.
I have more perspective on where I am right now, because, to continue the location metaphor, I've lived in other places now. But I definitely recognize where I am. The context, and the knowledge that it's temporary, make it an easier and more pleasant place to be, but it's still a little uncomfortable.
There's stuff I could stand to keep about this state. I like the extra energy, and the fact that food tastes better. Maybe I need to look into hacking my diet and exercise a little.
This post was cross-posted from Dreamwidth. Please comment there using OpenID. (Comments:
)