Must... contain... raaaaagge!!!!
Fuck I hate that stupid farm. So, at work, we have a 'mini-farm'. It is home to two draft horses, a pony, four llamas, three goats, three sheep, a rabbit, a turkey, and about 30 chickens. Today happened to be my day for feeding. That means this morning I fed, and just now, I put the animals to bed.
Now, what that means on a night like tonight (fuck ass cold) is that I put all of the animals in their pens and close the doors. Easy skeezy. HOWEVER, we recently had some flooding in the little barn, so much so that the back half of the barn and the llamas' indoor pen were both flooded. AND THEN, it got fuck ass COLD, so there is a mini ice rink at our mini farm. Oh JOY. So, sleeping arrangements are as follows: Llamas sleep in the main aisle of the barn (door is obviously closed). Goats and Sheep sleep in the indoor sheep pen, which is barely big enough for the sheep, really. The animals realize this and refuse to cooperate, so the sheep also sleep in the aisle with the llamas. The chickens have their coop, which has a door. That locks. This will become important momentarily.
So. I first feed the horses, as per usual. I then attempt to get the goats and sheep alll the way into the barn, so that I can later get the goats in the sheep pen. Okay, so they're not having that. It takes me about twenty minutes to wrestle the sheep (btw, when you're actually in a good mood, sheep wrestling is hilarious and fun. Not so much tonight, but hey.) into the aisle. Then the fucking goats, who wouldn't get out of the pen the whole time I was wrestling sheep, now decide to go back outside. aosuirghnaeoruigeoigbnj!!!! They decide that they don't want the food I'm enticing them with, and that they can run circles around me. The outdoors enclosure is large enough that that's true.
SO. I decide to try something new. I decide I need another bale of hay to block the door. OH, yeah, the door! The door that leads from the sheep pen to outside is frozen open because of lack of planning/weather. So at night, to keep the sheep in, we've been stacking bales of hay in front of it. Which the animals, of course, have been eating.
SO, need a new bale of hay. I decide to go get one of the ones that's sitting in the chicken coop, since we don't use them for food anyway, 'cause hey, chicken poop. So I open the door to get it, step in, grab the bale, and lo and behold, the door has swung shut behind me. I say, "Oh, peachy." I then set down the bale, annoyed at the inconvenience of having to set down the bale and pull the little safety latch cord that we have just for this reason. But what's this? The cord is gone? Where could it be? Certainly not INSIDE THE FUCKING COOP WHERE IT SHOULD FUCKING BE!!
So this is where I start to freak out. See, I have this issue with being in locked rooms. Or locked into anything, really. I can be in really close quarters and be totally fine, unless I'm locked in. Then I lose my shit pretty damn fast. Don't tell my evil arch-nemesis, okay? ANYWAY. First I took a few minutes to do some breathing exercises, calm myself down, find my center, blah blah fishcakes. I start to search for things around me with which I could open the door. I come up with a little metal dowel in the shape of an 'L', about six inches long, maybe a 1/8 inch thick. I then attempt to escape. My prison is built of wooden support posts, metal grate with the holes about 4x4 inches big, covered in chicken wire, which is staple-gunned to the wood.
First, I think that maybe I can jimmy out the big staples that are holding the grating in place. Great! I succeed with one staple, and then the short part of my 'L' breaks off. I now have an 'I'. Staple idea is not working. I then try fireman kicking the door, but that apparently only works when the kicker is a fireman with mad super strength.
It is at this point that I notice that the chicken wire is in several sections, and that there's a seam relatively close to the door latch. I spend the next ten-fifteen minutes prying apart the two pieces. Finally, there is a gap that looks big enough to fit my arm, probably. So I reach through and try to unlock the door. I can actually FEEL the lock, but I could not flip it. I then try to bring my arm back in so that I can make the hole bigger.
PROBLEM.
My arm will not come back inside. WELL. THAT SUCKS. I yell out, because at this point it really fucking hurts, and try to seperate the two sections using one hand. This is problematic, because even though I'm tall and Amazonian in stature, my hands are quite small. After several attempts, I get my arm back. I grab my little piece of metal, stick my arm back through, and open the door. I then gently extricate myself AGAIN, and go about my business. It only takes me another half hour to get all the fucking bastards inside.
I hate this job now. My arm is black and blue and purple, I'm really, really hoping my tetanus shot is current, and I can't feel the end of my nose. It's really cold. Anyway, that was MY evening.
Oh, and some bitch/asshole in my house opened my unopened carton of orange juice that was clearly labeled with my name, and drank about 1/4 of it. Douchebag.
Now, what that means on a night like tonight (fuck ass cold) is that I put all of the animals in their pens and close the doors. Easy skeezy. HOWEVER, we recently had some flooding in the little barn, so much so that the back half of the barn and the llamas' indoor pen were both flooded. AND THEN, it got fuck ass COLD, so there is a mini ice rink at our mini farm. Oh JOY. So, sleeping arrangements are as follows: Llamas sleep in the main aisle of the barn (door is obviously closed). Goats and Sheep sleep in the indoor sheep pen, which is barely big enough for the sheep, really. The animals realize this and refuse to cooperate, so the sheep also sleep in the aisle with the llamas. The chickens have their coop, which has a door. That locks. This will become important momentarily.
So. I first feed the horses, as per usual. I then attempt to get the goats and sheep alll the way into the barn, so that I can later get the goats in the sheep pen. Okay, so they're not having that. It takes me about twenty minutes to wrestle the sheep (btw, when you're actually in a good mood, sheep wrestling is hilarious and fun. Not so much tonight, but hey.) into the aisle. Then the fucking goats, who wouldn't get out of the pen the whole time I was wrestling sheep, now decide to go back outside. aosuirghnaeoruigeoigbnj!!!! They decide that they don't want the food I'm enticing them with, and that they can run circles around me. The outdoors enclosure is large enough that that's true.
SO. I decide to try something new. I decide I need another bale of hay to block the door. OH, yeah, the door! The door that leads from the sheep pen to outside is frozen open because of lack of planning/weather. So at night, to keep the sheep in, we've been stacking bales of hay in front of it. Which the animals, of course, have been eating.
SO, need a new bale of hay. I decide to go get one of the ones that's sitting in the chicken coop, since we don't use them for food anyway, 'cause hey, chicken poop. So I open the door to get it, step in, grab the bale, and lo and behold, the door has swung shut behind me. I say, "Oh, peachy." I then set down the bale, annoyed at the inconvenience of having to set down the bale and pull the little safety latch cord that we have just for this reason. But what's this? The cord is gone? Where could it be? Certainly not INSIDE THE FUCKING COOP WHERE IT SHOULD FUCKING BE!!
So this is where I start to freak out. See, I have this issue with being in locked rooms. Or locked into anything, really. I can be in really close quarters and be totally fine, unless I'm locked in. Then I lose my shit pretty damn fast. Don't tell my evil arch-nemesis, okay? ANYWAY. First I took a few minutes to do some breathing exercises, calm myself down, find my center, blah blah fishcakes. I start to search for things around me with which I could open the door. I come up with a little metal dowel in the shape of an 'L', about six inches long, maybe a 1/8 inch thick. I then attempt to escape. My prison is built of wooden support posts, metal grate with the holes about 4x4 inches big, covered in chicken wire, which is staple-gunned to the wood.
First, I think that maybe I can jimmy out the big staples that are holding the grating in place. Great! I succeed with one staple, and then the short part of my 'L' breaks off. I now have an 'I'. Staple idea is not working. I then try fireman kicking the door, but that apparently only works when the kicker is a fireman with mad super strength.
It is at this point that I notice that the chicken wire is in several sections, and that there's a seam relatively close to the door latch. I spend the next ten-fifteen minutes prying apart the two pieces. Finally, there is a gap that looks big enough to fit my arm, probably. So I reach through and try to unlock the door. I can actually FEEL the lock, but I could not flip it. I then try to bring my arm back in so that I can make the hole bigger.
PROBLEM.
My arm will not come back inside. WELL. THAT SUCKS. I yell out, because at this point it really fucking hurts, and try to seperate the two sections using one hand. This is problematic, because even though I'm tall and Amazonian in stature, my hands are quite small. After several attempts, I get my arm back. I grab my little piece of metal, stick my arm back through, and open the door. I then gently extricate myself AGAIN, and go about my business. It only takes me another half hour to get all the fucking bastards inside.
I hate this job now. My arm is black and blue and purple, I'm really, really hoping my tetanus shot is current, and I can't feel the end of my nose. It's really cold. Anyway, that was MY evening.
Oh, and some bitch/asshole in my house opened my unopened carton of orange juice that was clearly labeled with my name, and drank about 1/4 of it. Douchebag.