Completed Fic - Do Not Arouse or Awaken Love - Part 2/2
Continued from Part 1
#
It was a strange party. It was held at an exclusive restaurant that had been bought out for the night. Its decor was gorgeous and sleek, and many of the guests wore tuxes and gowns. The party planner must have fucked up the invitations, though. They should have been told to dress "Texas Black Tie" or whatever this was supposed to be. Their Space Cowboy costumes would have been perfect for the occasion.
But, hey, it wasn't every day you got to see people dressed to the nines and eating barbecue off of paper plates and drinking martinis in cheap plastic glasses decorated with horseshoes and cowboy boots. Yee haw.
They had to wish a set of twin girls a happy fourteenth birthday and shake a bunch of hands and be generally charming and entertaining, but eventually they made it to the relatively private table where Joey and Lance were eating.
"Oh," Lance said in the dry voice he saved for sarcasm. "More guests. Joey, you better bring out the good plates."
"Who, them?" Joey said. "I wouldn't dig out the fine China for them. They look like a bunch of rogues, especially the short one."
"Quick!" Chris said. "J, you distract them. C, go for the silver! I'll take the virgins and other valuables!"
JC grabbed a plastic fork and brandished it with flair worthy of Zorro. Lance chuckled, and Joey said, "Hey, I think you've got all the virgins already."
"Hey!" Justin said. "I am not a virgin."
Okay, maybe technically he was, but he didn't think that counted. In any case, it was private and not for laughing about--and it wasn't like he couldn't get it if he wanted it, he was Justin Timberlake, after all.
He started to say something more to Joey, but JC was suddenly right there again, rubbing his back, and he knew JC well enough to understand that he was saying "It's okay" without words. JC was so good to him, watching out for him even here.
He relaxed into JC's touch, and JC stopped petting him--but he kept his hand low on Justin's back. That was new... and a little distracting.
"Hey," Joey said. "I didn't mean it like that, man. I was just saying... the three of you? Could do a hell of a lot of deflowering."
Chris laughed. "Not me, man. I leave the gardening to C."
Lance poked Joey with his beer bottle. "And you're one to talk."
"Can't help it," Joey said, stealing the beer away. "The flowers keep flinging themselves at me." He grinned, then tipped his head back and drank.
"Must be thirsty work," Chris said. "Fending off all those flowers."
"I don't think he fends them," JC said.
"He definitely doesn't 'fend' them," Lance agreed.
They all laughed. And it was a good night, a nice party. Most of the guests didn't know or care who they were, so it was almost as good as being alone together.
Justin didn't say much; he was just a little too aware of how very often JC touched him. It probably wasn't any more than JC usually did. Justin was just... hypersensitive. Maybe he'd had more caffeine than he'd thought.
Chris kept glancing over at him, checking up on him. At first, the looks were pointed and wary, but as the evening wore on, the looks became... knowing. Justin just kept smiling and laughing and doing his best to telegraph: Dude, I'm not a reclusive, suicidal zombie.
Eventually, they could leave. Joey and Lance headed for a night club, and Chris said, "Lucy, you've got some 'splaining to do," and hauled Justin and JC back to the hotel. Chris' Ricky Ricardo impression was disturbingly close to the real thing.
They went to Chris' room. Chris gave Justin a beer and told him to sit in the armchair. Justin complied, but eyed JC and Chris warily as they sat on the couch across from him.
"This is weird," Justin said.
"But you can see everyone," Chris said.
"Yeah, but... I don't..." This was unnerving. Who would have thought that being in the spotlight in front of an audience of two was so much scarier than being in front of thousands of strangers? Except, well, of course it was different, because he didn't have a persona to hide behind here.
"It's okay," JC said. "We're all friends here, yeah?"
Chris nodded. "Just concerned friends."
Justin twisted the beer around in his hands and pried at the label with his thumbnail. A tiny bit of glue stuck to his nail and he picked at that next, that little out-of-place sticky spot. "I don't know," he said. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"Well," Chris said, "you could start with the Bible-reading."
"What about it?" Justin asked and looked at JC, at his clear blue eyes and his expression of lazy interest.
JC didn't seem worried. And he'd taken everything in stride. He'd never once questioned the Bible thing. He'd just gone with it and helped Justin--gone out of his way, in fact, to help Justin see those words in a new way, to help open Justin's eyes.
Huh.
Justin flicked his gaze over to Chris. Chris was still worried, just a little. The concern in his eyes made Justin feel safe, loved, and protected--all of the things that had always been there underneath everything else in his friendship with Chris.
But JC... JC made Justin feel known. And that was... well, not weird exactly, but it turned his world upside-down and inside-out. They'd been friends a long time, but Justin had always assumed that Chris knew him best, because Chris was smart, sharp, and his.
But JC was just as smart and sharp, and belonged to him just as much, but... It was easy to dismiss that sometimes--to mistake it for something else--because JC was like... like... doing it all in Portuguese while everyone around him spoke English. It was alien and bizarre, until you'd been to Brazil and learned to listen, and then--
"Is it a guilt thing?" Chris asked, jolting Justin from his contemplation of the secret language of JC. "Are you trying to... reprogram yourself with the power of 'The Word' or something? Because that's just... just ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with you."
"No," Justin said. "No, nothing like that. I was just trying to understand something."
"Something about Britney," JC said. "It was her Bible."
Justin nodded.
"Justin," Chris said carefully in a tone almost as sweet as his singing. "Understanding why Britney did what she did... it probably won't help you feel any better."
JC nodded. "It's heads and hearts, man."
"But I did," Justin said. "I mean, I think I figured out what I was trying to figure out. And yeah, it still stings." He tapped his chest over his heart. "It still stings like a bitch, but it's good 'cause I know now."
"Well," Chris said. "That's good. That's... good to know."
Chris leaned back on the couch like everything was okay. But he still looked tense to Justin, and when JC scooted closer to Chris and touched the back of his neck, Justin knew--just like JC did--that Chris wasn't convinced.
Some things were private, but reassuring Chris was more important than Justin's need for privacy. Chris shouldn't have to worry about him.
"Britney," he said. "Britney wanted to have real sex."
It was almost comical the way that caught their attention. All eyes were on him again.
"'Real sex'?" Chris said. "Hotels have thin walls--I know you guys were doing a hell of a lot more than phone sex."
"Phone sex is real sex," JC said.
"Dude," Chris said, "what don't you think is sex? You probably think... telepathic alien brain-wave sex is real sex."
"'Telepathic alien brain-wave sex'?" JC was intrigued, and Justin could see him jotting that down and filing it in his mental Rolodex. "That's... um. Yeah. If there is such a thing, it is real sex," JC said. "As long as you make a connection and someone comes? It's real."
"Don't listen to him, J. He'll warp you."
JC smiled.
"Seriously," Chris said. "Do not listen to him. Chasez sex is not normal sex."
JC's smile deepened, and there was something in that moment, something in the look that Chris and JC exchanged...
"Fuck," Justin said.
He felt hollow inside. He must be... he must be the worst sort of friend ever, because how else could he have missed it? These were his friends, his best friends, and he was so fucking blind.
"Have you--? You. You guys have had sex."
Their attention slammed back onto him.
"I mean," Justin said. "Together. You've had sex. With each other."
"Justin," Chris said.
"Once or twice," JC said. "A long time ago."
"Yeah?" Justin asked quietly. Maybe he wasn't the worst friend ever, maybe if he'd been too young to notice...
"C!" Chris jumped up off the couch.
"He's an adult," JC said, his focus never leaving Justin for an instant. It wasn't intense, it was just there.
"He's an adult," Chris agreed, "but you don't have to freak him out."
"I'm not freaking out," Justin said, because he wasn't--at least not for the reasons that Chris expected.
"You're the only one freaking out," JC told Chris.
"You're seriously not freaking out?" Chris asked.
Justin shook his head. "Are you gay?"
Chris had never struck him as gay.
"Not gay," Chris said. "Just..."
"Adventurous," JC said.
"Or possibly crazy," Chris said.
Justin snorted. "Only possibly?"
"Ha, ha," Chris said, and then paused to look at him. Justin waited and could see the moment when Chris realized that he was okay.
Chris settled back onto the couch. "Why haven't you asked if JC is gay?"
Justin finished his beer while he considered his answer.
JC was beautiful. He was long and lean, and Justin had always thought that dancers had the best bodies, because they were strongly muscled but still graceful and fluid. So, it was easy to understand why Chris would have wanted him, why anyone would want him.
But... that wasn't... That didn't make JC gay. But...
He looked at JC again, tried to look at him with new eyes, and felt a flash of something like recognition spike and then settle into his bones. Maybe he didn't know everything about JC, but he still knew him.
"Well," Justin said. "I've never thought about it before, but I figure... yo, anyone who's open to telepathic alien brain-wave sex isn't going to stop and ask the alien about its gender identity first."
Chris laughed, and JC's expression was full of approval... and maybe pride, pride in Justin. That felt good.
Obviously, Justin had missed something somewhere, but he also thought, knowing JC as he did, that he was mostly straight, but mostly straight in a way that defied definition. It was almost too much to think about, except... he could almost grasp it. Because... why would JC's approach to sexuality be any less unique than his approach to Scripture or music or anything else that was important to him?
"But we were talking about Britney," JC said.
"She wanted to have real sex," Chris said.
"Yeah," Justin said. "We hadn't. We didn't... We never went all the way."
Saying that felt... wow. He'd never expected to say it out loud.
"Huh," Chris said. "I didn't know that."
"No offense," Justin said, "but I'm glad you don't know everything that happens in my bedroom."
"Oh, don't be too comfortable. I still know a lot."
"Hotel walls are thin," JC said.
"And the curtains on the bus are even thinner," Chris said.
Ew. Justin wasn't going to think about that or he'd develop a complex and never have any kind of sex again.
"So," JC said. "If Britney wanted to go all the way, and you guys never did..."
"I didn't want it," Justin said. "No. I mean, I didn't want to."
"You didn't want to?" Chris said.
"It's not--You make it sound weird. It wasn't. I just. I wanted to wait. Do it right."
"Seriously?" Chris asked. "You were waiting for marriage?"
"That's what we always said we were doing, why is it so unbelievable?"
"Hot girlfriend," Chris said. "Smoking-hot girlfriend, who you were sleeping with for years. How did you manage to wait?"
"It wasn't like that."
"How was it?" JC asked.
"I loved her," Justin said. "I loved her and everything we had together was so good, you know?"
JC nodded.
"She was so beautiful," Justin said. "And spunky, and... and precious... and she'd been my friend forever. You know that, C. You were there."
"She was really something back then," JC said. "And talented, and you... respect that... no. That attracts you."
Justin swallowed.
"Yeah, and she was perfect. Like I knew it even then, that I would marry her. And she only got more perfect 'cause like... who'd've thought we'd both become so famous, right?"
JC nodded again, and Justin wiped his eyes. Fuck.
"Hey," Chris said.
"No, I'm okay," Justin said. "I want you to know, so you won't worry."
"Jup."
"I'm okay, I said."
Chris got up and joined Justin in the armchair. It was a tight squeeze, but Justin was used to Chris monopolizing his personal space.
"You want to tell me?" Chris said.
"I wanna tell both of you."
Chris wrapped his arm around Justin and pet the back of his head.
"Hey," Chris said. "You do feel like a baby seal."
"Told you," JC said.
Justin half-heartedly called them assholes, and Chris kept petting him.
Finally, Chris asked, "But why didn't you want to go all the way with her?"
"It wasn't... I would have. I would have done it. When we got married. It just... it wasn't necessary before then."
"But," JC said. "If she wanted it... wasn't it maybe a little necessary?"
"No," Justin said. "No, it shouldn't have been. I loved her, and like... I always touched her with love, you know? I was good to her 'cause... 'cause..." God, he could feel himself blushing. "It was so good," he said quietly, "seeing her come, you know?"
"Yeah," JC said equally quietly. "I imagine it was."
"I loved watching her, helping her get there. It was. It was really good, and it... it wasn't like I didn't get off, too. It was good."
"Well," Chris said. "That sounds... like you were really compatible. So, I still don't get how you could wait."
"I wanted to wait, to leave something special for later. You know."
"Oh, Jup," Chris said. "I don't think losing your virginity is all that more magical just because it's your wedding night."
"But that's what I wanted."
"And that was... more important to you than giving Brit what she wanted?" JC said.
Justin stared at him. That was... that wasn't a fair question.
"I..."
"You don't have to answer," JC said.
But Justin knew the answer to that. And his stomach churned because Chris and JC knew the answer, too. He looked at JC, and he looked at Chris, and he searched their faces, but didn't see any blame there. And since it wasn't there, Justin could say, "Well, I'm not saying I was perfect."
"No one's perfect," Chris said.
"I'll get us some more beers," JC said.
"Except JC," Chris said. "Anyone who brings me beer is perfect."
"You're paying for them," JC said as he dug through the mini-bar.
"I take it all back! No one's perfect, never ever. Not a one."
"My momma is," Justin said.
And they all laughed and the conversation flowed into easier topics.
Much later, JC was asleep and Chris was still snuggled close with Justin.
"Hey," Chris said. "Let's go to the other room."
"Hmm?" Justin was pretty tired.
"I've got a few more things to say, and I don't want to disturb C."
"Oh."
"Come on, Jup." Chris stood up and helped Justin pull himself from the chair. "I'll let you sleep in just a little bit."
They went into the bedroom, and Justin sighed happily as he lay down on Chris' bed. This hotel had mattresses to die for.
"Hey," Chris said. "Shoes."
Justin struggled for a moment, and then Chris was there, helping him with the laces.
"There," Chris said, "that's better."
He sat beside Justin, and Justin looked sleepily up at him.
"You're my brother," he told Chris.
"Good," Chris said. "Because I think. Well. I think there's more to the story than you shared tonight, but that's okay. Later, maybe you should... well, I'm not saying you should... but maybe you'll want to think about why... why you didn't want everything with Brit."
"I did. I was going to marry her."
"I know, but... Okay, think about this. Think about how hard it is for most people to wait for marriage. Maybe... there's a good reason you never went all the way."
"I don't... I don't. What are you--?"
"It's okay," Chris said. He pat Justin's arm. "It's too much to think about right now. But I want you to promise me something, okay?"
"Okay."
"I've made all my sisters promise this, too. I should have asked you before."
Justin smiled. "'Cause we're family."
"We are. So... You did good, kid. Don't you ever let anyone pressure you into sex, even if you love them--even if they're the love of your life. If you're not feeling it, don't do it. Not ever."
"Not ever," Justin echoed.
"It'll save you a lot of regrets," Chris said. "I promise. If you're not feeling it, there's probably a really good reason."
"Mmm," Justin said, and perhaps he would have said more, but he was asleep.
#
The next day, Justin's brain was like one of those snakes on the Discovery Channel. You know, the really big ones that swallow a goat whole and then go all sluggish and stupid as they take the next week to digest it. He had so many things to think about that he couldn't think about any of it--couldn't even prioritize what he should be thinking about.
So, he did what he did best, and God, was he ever glad they had a show that night. He threw himself into their concert day routine and let the needs of his body and the sound of his voice absorb the bulk of his attention. If things wanted to simmer and bubble on the back burner of his mental stove top, they could go right ahead, but they could do it without him--at least for the day.
After the concert, they were off to Anaheim. He spent the two hours with Joey and Lance, after assuring Chris and JC that it wasn't anything personal. He hadn't spent much time with the other guys lately, and he felt bad about it. They'd been good to him when he'd been in the throwing-shit stage of things.
When they reached the hotel, he wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to seem withdrawn or anything, but he didn't want to go out, either. After a bit of asking, and swearing that Sexual Chocolate could double as life guards, he was allowed to use their indoor pool even though it was after-hours.
He swam laps until he couldn't do any more--and that was a lot less than he would have managed if he hadn't just done a full show, but still plenty of laps. He didn't know that any of the guys had joined him until he climbed out and started toweling himself off.
Chris was there at the side of the pool, dangling his feet in the water.
"You're not swimming?"
"It's like two o'clock in the morning," Chris said.
"You're missing out, the water's fine."
"Are we fine?" Chris said.
Of course they were. Justin couldn't think of anything that would change that. Or. Well, he could think of several things, but they weren't in Chris' nature. Chris wouldn't sleep with Justin's girlfriend or hurt Justin's momma or tell Justin's secrets to the world.
"Yeah," he said. "We're good."
"You remember your promise?"
"Not to swim after eating?"
Chris scooped up a handful of water and flung it him. "Not that promise."
"I remember the other one, too," Justin said. "I don't... I don't think it's going to be necessary, but. Thank you."
"You don't have to thank--"
"Shut up," Justin said. "You made me feel like I was finally an official part of the Kirkpatrick clan."
"You're slower on the uptake than I thought. You've been part of the clan since you were in diapers."
"I wasn't in diapers when I was fourteen, you asshole."
"No? Huh. I must have confused you with someone else."
"Here," Justin said and gave Chris a hand up. "Let's get out of here, let them close up for real."
Chris walked with him back up to their rooms.
"You have any questions for me?" Chris asked.
Justin had lots of questions, but...
"None that I'm ready to hear the answers to."
"Oh," Chris said. He sounded genuinely surprised.
"What?"
"When did you grow up? I missed it."
Justin dropped his wet towel over Chris' head and laughed. "I haven't, sucker."
But he was pleased by the implied compliment and determined to live up to it somehow.
#
The next day was supposed to be a bit of a break for them.
They had minimal commitments and plenty of time to go off and do their own thing during the daylight hours--which was a rare treat, since their touring schedule would have turned them all into pasty creatures of the night if it weren't for their tanning beds. The gossip blogs that pointed to their tanning beds as yet another sign of their wasteful extravagance could go fuck themselves. No one outside of the business could ever truly understand them, and that was part of why Britney had seemed so perfect for him.
They'd agreed to kick off the day with brunch in Lance's suite. When Justin arrived, Lance was the only one there.
Justin was afraid he'd gotten the time wrong, but Lance insisted that wasn't the case, they just had friends who'd never learned how to tell time. "Not even with digital clocks," Lance said and waved his fork and pointed Justin at the buffet. All the food was ready, spread out in baskets and platters and fancy warming dishes.
Lance had CNN on, but he was only listening to it--not watching it--while he ate. Justin glanced at his plate and made a face. Maybe Lance's wheat toast and scrambled egg whites were healthy and NASA-approved, but they made Justin crave something horribly artery-choking and fattening.
He settled for bacon--lots of bacon--and biscuits dripping with butter, and ate with his fingers, prompting Lance to say, "And then some of us never learned how to use a fork."
Justin flipped him the bird and helped himself to another piece of bacon. He could hit the gym later.
CNN was boring and Lance was quiet, and the other guys still hadn't shown up, and Justin shocked himself by saying, "I think Chris thinks I'm gay."
Lance finished his mouthful of eggs, centered his fork precisely on his folded napkin, and said, "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because you're the only one here?"
At least that sounded better than because my mouth is faster than my brain.
Lance pressed his lips together till they almost disappeared, picked up his juice glass and then set it back down again.
"So, this isn't. This isn't about--"
"Oh, hey, no," Justin said. "No. I'm not like... hitting on you."
"Good," Lance said and picked up his glass again, and drank this time. Justin watched his Adam's apple as he swallowed once... twice... and again. When he'd drained the glass, Lance said, "Good, because that would be weird."
"Yeah, it would," Justin agreed. "I don't..."
Lance arched a brow at him. "You don't what?"
"You're not--I don't think you're my type."
"Well, thank God for that," Lance said. "It was bad enough when I was teased about my hips, I'm not growing tits for you."
Justin blinked.
"I was, I was thinking more like... I kinda like brunettes, and you're not--"
Lance's eyes widened. "Justin. Justin, do you think you're gay?"
"No, I. No," Justin said. He looked down and started picking at his biscuit until it crumbled into an inedible mess. No, he hadn't... he hadn't made that connection yet.
Joey joined them before Justin could explain.
#
By the time Chris and JC joined them, Justin felt raw and exposed. Joey and Lance weren't doing anything out of the ordinary, but Justin... Justin needed to run away and hide somewhere.
Only, he couldn't because he'd been selfish enough lately. The thing with Britney was maybe a little his fault because he hadn't given her that one last bit of himself. And he'd made Chris worry needlessly, and he'd taken JC for granted, and... and...
And Chris had said that he'd grown up. If Justin wanted to live up to that--and he did--that meant sticking around and making the best of an awkward situation. Besides, he didn't know that he was gay. He just knew that it was something to consider, something to consider later in the safety of his own room or even later still, in the safety of his own home. Yeah, he could--
"Hey," JC said. Justin looked up, and JC was standing with a plate of fresh pineapple in his hand and a strangely hesitant expression on his face. "Can I sit with you?"
"Of course you can." Justin slid over to make room for him. "You don't need to ask."
"I... um... thought I should ask. You seemed really--" JC reached out and tapped Justin's temple. "--noisy up here."
"Yeah," Justin said, taking the plate from him. "I am actually. Really noisy up there, but... um... you know what? I think more clearly around you, so sit. Sit down."
JC didn't move.
"Please?" Justin said. "If not for me... do it for the hostages."
"The hostages," JC said.
Justin picked up a slice of pineapple and bit into it.
"Sit," he said with his mouth full. "Sit or I'll..." He swallowed. "Sit or I'll eat all of your food."
JC laughed and stole the rest of the slice from Justin's fingers. "That's mine," he said, and ate it before sitting down beside him.
"You've got my cooties now," Justin said.
"I'll survive."
JC took his plate back and began eating in earnest.
Justin did nothing, just watched him and felt things falling quietly into place. He didn't need to retreat to his room or his house or anywhere else, because JC was a safe place, too. He'd always been. JC was... JC was... Justin's very own personal Brazil. He could be gay, he could be straight, he could be a telepathic alien, and it wouldn't change how JC felt about him.
It was a pretty amazing feeling.
He laughed.
"What?" JC said.
"Nothing."
JC wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and then brushed at his chest. "Have I got pineapple on me somewhere?"
"No," Justin said. "I'm just happy."
JC stilled.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah," Justin said. He was.
"Yay," JC said and did a dorky little cheer move before grabbing another piece of pineapple.
He was the cutest thing ever, and Justin had no choice. Quick as lightning, he snatched the pineapple from JC's hand and held it out of reach.
"Hey!"
JC tackled him, and they wrestled for it and somehow ended up on the floor together with JC licking pineapple juice off of Justin's fingers. That was a pretty amazing feeling, too.
No, really, like seriously amazing.
Someone coughed, and Justin looked up to see Chris, Lance, and Joey staring at them.
"What?" Justin said. "Haven't you seen happy people before?"
#
It was a strange party. It was held at an exclusive restaurant that had been bought out for the night. Its decor was gorgeous and sleek, and many of the guests wore tuxes and gowns. The party planner must have fucked up the invitations, though. They should have been told to dress "Texas Black Tie" or whatever this was supposed to be. Their Space Cowboy costumes would have been perfect for the occasion.
But, hey, it wasn't every day you got to see people dressed to the nines and eating barbecue off of paper plates and drinking martinis in cheap plastic glasses decorated with horseshoes and cowboy boots. Yee haw.
They had to wish a set of twin girls a happy fourteenth birthday and shake a bunch of hands and be generally charming and entertaining, but eventually they made it to the relatively private table where Joey and Lance were eating.
"Oh," Lance said in the dry voice he saved for sarcasm. "More guests. Joey, you better bring out the good plates."
"Who, them?" Joey said. "I wouldn't dig out the fine China for them. They look like a bunch of rogues, especially the short one."
"Quick!" Chris said. "J, you distract them. C, go for the silver! I'll take the virgins and other valuables!"
JC grabbed a plastic fork and brandished it with flair worthy of Zorro. Lance chuckled, and Joey said, "Hey, I think you've got all the virgins already."
"Hey!" Justin said. "I am not a virgin."
Okay, maybe technically he was, but he didn't think that counted. In any case, it was private and not for laughing about--and it wasn't like he couldn't get it if he wanted it, he was Justin Timberlake, after all.
He started to say something more to Joey, but JC was suddenly right there again, rubbing his back, and he knew JC well enough to understand that he was saying "It's okay" without words. JC was so good to him, watching out for him even here.
He relaxed into JC's touch, and JC stopped petting him--but he kept his hand low on Justin's back. That was new... and a little distracting.
"Hey," Joey said. "I didn't mean it like that, man. I was just saying... the three of you? Could do a hell of a lot of deflowering."
Chris laughed. "Not me, man. I leave the gardening to C."
Lance poked Joey with his beer bottle. "And you're one to talk."
"Can't help it," Joey said, stealing the beer away. "The flowers keep flinging themselves at me." He grinned, then tipped his head back and drank.
"Must be thirsty work," Chris said. "Fending off all those flowers."
"I don't think he fends them," JC said.
"He definitely doesn't 'fend' them," Lance agreed.
They all laughed. And it was a good night, a nice party. Most of the guests didn't know or care who they were, so it was almost as good as being alone together.
Justin didn't say much; he was just a little too aware of how very often JC touched him. It probably wasn't any more than JC usually did. Justin was just... hypersensitive. Maybe he'd had more caffeine than he'd thought.
Chris kept glancing over at him, checking up on him. At first, the looks were pointed and wary, but as the evening wore on, the looks became... knowing. Justin just kept smiling and laughing and doing his best to telegraph: Dude, I'm not a reclusive, suicidal zombie.
Eventually, they could leave. Joey and Lance headed for a night club, and Chris said, "Lucy, you've got some 'splaining to do," and hauled Justin and JC back to the hotel. Chris' Ricky Ricardo impression was disturbingly close to the real thing.
They went to Chris' room. Chris gave Justin a beer and told him to sit in the armchair. Justin complied, but eyed JC and Chris warily as they sat on the couch across from him.
"This is weird," Justin said.
"But you can see everyone," Chris said.
"Yeah, but... I don't..." This was unnerving. Who would have thought that being in the spotlight in front of an audience of two was so much scarier than being in front of thousands of strangers? Except, well, of course it was different, because he didn't have a persona to hide behind here.
"It's okay," JC said. "We're all friends here, yeah?"
Chris nodded. "Just concerned friends."
Justin twisted the beer around in his hands and pried at the label with his thumbnail. A tiny bit of glue stuck to his nail and he picked at that next, that little out-of-place sticky spot. "I don't know," he said. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"Well," Chris said, "you could start with the Bible-reading."
"What about it?" Justin asked and looked at JC, at his clear blue eyes and his expression of lazy interest.
JC didn't seem worried. And he'd taken everything in stride. He'd never once questioned the Bible thing. He'd just gone with it and helped Justin--gone out of his way, in fact, to help Justin see those words in a new way, to help open Justin's eyes.
Huh.
Justin flicked his gaze over to Chris. Chris was still worried, just a little. The concern in his eyes made Justin feel safe, loved, and protected--all of the things that had always been there underneath everything else in his friendship with Chris.
But JC... JC made Justin feel known. And that was... well, not weird exactly, but it turned his world upside-down and inside-out. They'd been friends a long time, but Justin had always assumed that Chris knew him best, because Chris was smart, sharp, and his.
But JC was just as smart and sharp, and belonged to him just as much, but... It was easy to dismiss that sometimes--to mistake it for something else--because JC was like... like... doing it all in Portuguese while everyone around him spoke English. It was alien and bizarre, until you'd been to Brazil and learned to listen, and then--
"Is it a guilt thing?" Chris asked, jolting Justin from his contemplation of the secret language of JC. "Are you trying to... reprogram yourself with the power of 'The Word' or something? Because that's just... just ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with you."
"No," Justin said. "No, nothing like that. I was just trying to understand something."
"Something about Britney," JC said. "It was her Bible."
Justin nodded.
"Justin," Chris said carefully in a tone almost as sweet as his singing. "Understanding why Britney did what she did... it probably won't help you feel any better."
JC nodded. "It's heads and hearts, man."
"But I did," Justin said. "I mean, I think I figured out what I was trying to figure out. And yeah, it still stings." He tapped his chest over his heart. "It still stings like a bitch, but it's good 'cause I know now."
"Well," Chris said. "That's good. That's... good to know."
Chris leaned back on the couch like everything was okay. But he still looked tense to Justin, and when JC scooted closer to Chris and touched the back of his neck, Justin knew--just like JC did--that Chris wasn't convinced.
Some things were private, but reassuring Chris was more important than Justin's need for privacy. Chris shouldn't have to worry about him.
"Britney," he said. "Britney wanted to have real sex."
It was almost comical the way that caught their attention. All eyes were on him again.
"'Real sex'?" Chris said. "Hotels have thin walls--I know you guys were doing a hell of a lot more than phone sex."
"Phone sex is real sex," JC said.
"Dude," Chris said, "what don't you think is sex? You probably think... telepathic alien brain-wave sex is real sex."
"'Telepathic alien brain-wave sex'?" JC was intrigued, and Justin could see him jotting that down and filing it in his mental Rolodex. "That's... um. Yeah. If there is such a thing, it is real sex," JC said. "As long as you make a connection and someone comes? It's real."
"Don't listen to him, J. He'll warp you."
JC smiled.
"Seriously," Chris said. "Do not listen to him. Chasez sex is not normal sex."
JC's smile deepened, and there was something in that moment, something in the look that Chris and JC exchanged...
"Fuck," Justin said.
He felt hollow inside. He must be... he must be the worst sort of friend ever, because how else could he have missed it? These were his friends, his best friends, and he was so fucking blind.
"Have you--? You. You guys have had sex."
Their attention slammed back onto him.
"I mean," Justin said. "Together. You've had sex. With each other."
"Justin," Chris said.
"Once or twice," JC said. "A long time ago."
"Yeah?" Justin asked quietly. Maybe he wasn't the worst friend ever, maybe if he'd been too young to notice...
"C!" Chris jumped up off the couch.
"He's an adult," JC said, his focus never leaving Justin for an instant. It wasn't intense, it was just there.
"He's an adult," Chris agreed, "but you don't have to freak him out."
"I'm not freaking out," Justin said, because he wasn't--at least not for the reasons that Chris expected.
"You're the only one freaking out," JC told Chris.
"You're seriously not freaking out?" Chris asked.
Justin shook his head. "Are you gay?"
Chris had never struck him as gay.
"Not gay," Chris said. "Just..."
"Adventurous," JC said.
"Or possibly crazy," Chris said.
Justin snorted. "Only possibly?"
"Ha, ha," Chris said, and then paused to look at him. Justin waited and could see the moment when Chris realized that he was okay.
Chris settled back onto the couch. "Why haven't you asked if JC is gay?"
Justin finished his beer while he considered his answer.
JC was beautiful. He was long and lean, and Justin had always thought that dancers had the best bodies, because they were strongly muscled but still graceful and fluid. So, it was easy to understand why Chris would have wanted him, why anyone would want him.
But... that wasn't... That didn't make JC gay. But...
He looked at JC again, tried to look at him with new eyes, and felt a flash of something like recognition spike and then settle into his bones. Maybe he didn't know everything about JC, but he still knew him.
"Well," Justin said. "I've never thought about it before, but I figure... yo, anyone who's open to telepathic alien brain-wave sex isn't going to stop and ask the alien about its gender identity first."
Chris laughed, and JC's expression was full of approval... and maybe pride, pride in Justin. That felt good.
Obviously, Justin had missed something somewhere, but he also thought, knowing JC as he did, that he was mostly straight, but mostly straight in a way that defied definition. It was almost too much to think about, except... he could almost grasp it. Because... why would JC's approach to sexuality be any less unique than his approach to Scripture or music or anything else that was important to him?
"But we were talking about Britney," JC said.
"She wanted to have real sex," Chris said.
"Yeah," Justin said. "We hadn't. We didn't... We never went all the way."
Saying that felt... wow. He'd never expected to say it out loud.
"Huh," Chris said. "I didn't know that."
"No offense," Justin said, "but I'm glad you don't know everything that happens in my bedroom."
"Oh, don't be too comfortable. I still know a lot."
"Hotel walls are thin," JC said.
"And the curtains on the bus are even thinner," Chris said.
Ew. Justin wasn't going to think about that or he'd develop a complex and never have any kind of sex again.
"So," JC said. "If Britney wanted to go all the way, and you guys never did..."
"I didn't want it," Justin said. "No. I mean, I didn't want to."
"You didn't want to?" Chris said.
"It's not--You make it sound weird. It wasn't. I just. I wanted to wait. Do it right."
"Seriously?" Chris asked. "You were waiting for marriage?"
"That's what we always said we were doing, why is it so unbelievable?"
"Hot girlfriend," Chris said. "Smoking-hot girlfriend, who you were sleeping with for years. How did you manage to wait?"
"It wasn't like that."
"How was it?" JC asked.
"I loved her," Justin said. "I loved her and everything we had together was so good, you know?"
JC nodded.
"She was so beautiful," Justin said. "And spunky, and... and precious... and she'd been my friend forever. You know that, C. You were there."
"She was really something back then," JC said. "And talented, and you... respect that... no. That attracts you."
Justin swallowed.
"Yeah, and she was perfect. Like I knew it even then, that I would marry her. And she only got more perfect 'cause like... who'd've thought we'd both become so famous, right?"
JC nodded again, and Justin wiped his eyes. Fuck.
"Hey," Chris said.
"No, I'm okay," Justin said. "I want you to know, so you won't worry."
"Jup."
"I'm okay, I said."
Chris got up and joined Justin in the armchair. It was a tight squeeze, but Justin was used to Chris monopolizing his personal space.
"You want to tell me?" Chris said.
"I wanna tell both of you."
Chris wrapped his arm around Justin and pet the back of his head.
"Hey," Chris said. "You do feel like a baby seal."
"Told you," JC said.
Justin half-heartedly called them assholes, and Chris kept petting him.
Finally, Chris asked, "But why didn't you want to go all the way with her?"
"It wasn't... I would have. I would have done it. When we got married. It just... it wasn't necessary before then."
"But," JC said. "If she wanted it... wasn't it maybe a little necessary?"
"No," Justin said. "No, it shouldn't have been. I loved her, and like... I always touched her with love, you know? I was good to her 'cause... 'cause..." God, he could feel himself blushing. "It was so good," he said quietly, "seeing her come, you know?"
"Yeah," JC said equally quietly. "I imagine it was."
"I loved watching her, helping her get there. It was. It was really good, and it... it wasn't like I didn't get off, too. It was good."
"Well," Chris said. "That sounds... like you were really compatible. So, I still don't get how you could wait."
"I wanted to wait, to leave something special for later. You know."
"Oh, Jup," Chris said. "I don't think losing your virginity is all that more magical just because it's your wedding night."
"But that's what I wanted."
"And that was... more important to you than giving Brit what she wanted?" JC said.
Justin stared at him. That was... that wasn't a fair question.
"I..."
"You don't have to answer," JC said.
But Justin knew the answer to that. And his stomach churned because Chris and JC knew the answer, too. He looked at JC, and he looked at Chris, and he searched their faces, but didn't see any blame there. And since it wasn't there, Justin could say, "Well, I'm not saying I was perfect."
"No one's perfect," Chris said.
"I'll get us some more beers," JC said.
"Except JC," Chris said. "Anyone who brings me beer is perfect."
"You're paying for them," JC said as he dug through the mini-bar.
"I take it all back! No one's perfect, never ever. Not a one."
"My momma is," Justin said.
And they all laughed and the conversation flowed into easier topics.
Much later, JC was asleep and Chris was still snuggled close with Justin.
"Hey," Chris said. "Let's go to the other room."
"Hmm?" Justin was pretty tired.
"I've got a few more things to say, and I don't want to disturb C."
"Oh."
"Come on, Jup." Chris stood up and helped Justin pull himself from the chair. "I'll let you sleep in just a little bit."
They went into the bedroom, and Justin sighed happily as he lay down on Chris' bed. This hotel had mattresses to die for.
"Hey," Chris said. "Shoes."
Justin struggled for a moment, and then Chris was there, helping him with the laces.
"There," Chris said, "that's better."
He sat beside Justin, and Justin looked sleepily up at him.
"You're my brother," he told Chris.
"Good," Chris said. "Because I think. Well. I think there's more to the story than you shared tonight, but that's okay. Later, maybe you should... well, I'm not saying you should... but maybe you'll want to think about why... why you didn't want everything with Brit."
"I did. I was going to marry her."
"I know, but... Okay, think about this. Think about how hard it is for most people to wait for marriage. Maybe... there's a good reason you never went all the way."
"I don't... I don't. What are you--?"
"It's okay," Chris said. He pat Justin's arm. "It's too much to think about right now. But I want you to promise me something, okay?"
"Okay."
"I've made all my sisters promise this, too. I should have asked you before."
Justin smiled. "'Cause we're family."
"We are. So... You did good, kid. Don't you ever let anyone pressure you into sex, even if you love them--even if they're the love of your life. If you're not feeling it, don't do it. Not ever."
"Not ever," Justin echoed.
"It'll save you a lot of regrets," Chris said. "I promise. If you're not feeling it, there's probably a really good reason."
"Mmm," Justin said, and perhaps he would have said more, but he was asleep.
#
The next day, Justin's brain was like one of those snakes on the Discovery Channel. You know, the really big ones that swallow a goat whole and then go all sluggish and stupid as they take the next week to digest it. He had so many things to think about that he couldn't think about any of it--couldn't even prioritize what he should be thinking about.
So, he did what he did best, and God, was he ever glad they had a show that night. He threw himself into their concert day routine and let the needs of his body and the sound of his voice absorb the bulk of his attention. If things wanted to simmer and bubble on the back burner of his mental stove top, they could go right ahead, but they could do it without him--at least for the day.
After the concert, they were off to Anaheim. He spent the two hours with Joey and Lance, after assuring Chris and JC that it wasn't anything personal. He hadn't spent much time with the other guys lately, and he felt bad about it. They'd been good to him when he'd been in the throwing-shit stage of things.
When they reached the hotel, he wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to seem withdrawn or anything, but he didn't want to go out, either. After a bit of asking, and swearing that Sexual Chocolate could double as life guards, he was allowed to use their indoor pool even though it was after-hours.
He swam laps until he couldn't do any more--and that was a lot less than he would have managed if he hadn't just done a full show, but still plenty of laps. He didn't know that any of the guys had joined him until he climbed out and started toweling himself off.
Chris was there at the side of the pool, dangling his feet in the water.
"You're not swimming?"
"It's like two o'clock in the morning," Chris said.
"You're missing out, the water's fine."
"Are we fine?" Chris said.
Of course they were. Justin couldn't think of anything that would change that. Or. Well, he could think of several things, but they weren't in Chris' nature. Chris wouldn't sleep with Justin's girlfriend or hurt Justin's momma or tell Justin's secrets to the world.
"Yeah," he said. "We're good."
"You remember your promise?"
"Not to swim after eating?"
Chris scooped up a handful of water and flung it him. "Not that promise."
"I remember the other one, too," Justin said. "I don't... I don't think it's going to be necessary, but. Thank you."
"You don't have to thank--"
"Shut up," Justin said. "You made me feel like I was finally an official part of the Kirkpatrick clan."
"You're slower on the uptake than I thought. You've been part of the clan since you were in diapers."
"I wasn't in diapers when I was fourteen, you asshole."
"No? Huh. I must have confused you with someone else."
"Here," Justin said and gave Chris a hand up. "Let's get out of here, let them close up for real."
Chris walked with him back up to their rooms.
"You have any questions for me?" Chris asked.
Justin had lots of questions, but...
"None that I'm ready to hear the answers to."
"Oh," Chris said. He sounded genuinely surprised.
"What?"
"When did you grow up? I missed it."
Justin dropped his wet towel over Chris' head and laughed. "I haven't, sucker."
But he was pleased by the implied compliment and determined to live up to it somehow.
#
The next day was supposed to be a bit of a break for them.
They had minimal commitments and plenty of time to go off and do their own thing during the daylight hours--which was a rare treat, since their touring schedule would have turned them all into pasty creatures of the night if it weren't for their tanning beds. The gossip blogs that pointed to their tanning beds as yet another sign of their wasteful extravagance could go fuck themselves. No one outside of the business could ever truly understand them, and that was part of why Britney had seemed so perfect for him.
They'd agreed to kick off the day with brunch in Lance's suite. When Justin arrived, Lance was the only one there.
Justin was afraid he'd gotten the time wrong, but Lance insisted that wasn't the case, they just had friends who'd never learned how to tell time. "Not even with digital clocks," Lance said and waved his fork and pointed Justin at the buffet. All the food was ready, spread out in baskets and platters and fancy warming dishes.
Lance had CNN on, but he was only listening to it--not watching it--while he ate. Justin glanced at his plate and made a face. Maybe Lance's wheat toast and scrambled egg whites were healthy and NASA-approved, but they made Justin crave something horribly artery-choking and fattening.
He settled for bacon--lots of bacon--and biscuits dripping with butter, and ate with his fingers, prompting Lance to say, "And then some of us never learned how to use a fork."
Justin flipped him the bird and helped himself to another piece of bacon. He could hit the gym later.
CNN was boring and Lance was quiet, and the other guys still hadn't shown up, and Justin shocked himself by saying, "I think Chris thinks I'm gay."
Lance finished his mouthful of eggs, centered his fork precisely on his folded napkin, and said, "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because you're the only one here?"
At least that sounded better than because my mouth is faster than my brain.
Lance pressed his lips together till they almost disappeared, picked up his juice glass and then set it back down again.
"So, this isn't. This isn't about--"
"Oh, hey, no," Justin said. "No. I'm not like... hitting on you."
"Good," Lance said and picked up his glass again, and drank this time. Justin watched his Adam's apple as he swallowed once... twice... and again. When he'd drained the glass, Lance said, "Good, because that would be weird."
"Yeah, it would," Justin agreed. "I don't..."
Lance arched a brow at him. "You don't what?"
"You're not--I don't think you're my type."
"Well, thank God for that," Lance said. "It was bad enough when I was teased about my hips, I'm not growing tits for you."
Justin blinked.
"I was, I was thinking more like... I kinda like brunettes, and you're not--"
Lance's eyes widened. "Justin. Justin, do you think you're gay?"
"No, I. No," Justin said. He looked down and started picking at his biscuit until it crumbled into an inedible mess. No, he hadn't... he hadn't made that connection yet.
Joey joined them before Justin could explain.
#
By the time Chris and JC joined them, Justin felt raw and exposed. Joey and Lance weren't doing anything out of the ordinary, but Justin... Justin needed to run away and hide somewhere.
Only, he couldn't because he'd been selfish enough lately. The thing with Britney was maybe a little his fault because he hadn't given her that one last bit of himself. And he'd made Chris worry needlessly, and he'd taken JC for granted, and... and...
And Chris had said that he'd grown up. If Justin wanted to live up to that--and he did--that meant sticking around and making the best of an awkward situation. Besides, he didn't know that he was gay. He just knew that it was something to consider, something to consider later in the safety of his own room or even later still, in the safety of his own home. Yeah, he could--
"Hey," JC said. Justin looked up, and JC was standing with a plate of fresh pineapple in his hand and a strangely hesitant expression on his face. "Can I sit with you?"
"Of course you can." Justin slid over to make room for him. "You don't need to ask."
"I... um... thought I should ask. You seemed really--" JC reached out and tapped Justin's temple. "--noisy up here."
"Yeah," Justin said, taking the plate from him. "I am actually. Really noisy up there, but... um... you know what? I think more clearly around you, so sit. Sit down."
JC didn't move.
"Please?" Justin said. "If not for me... do it for the hostages."
"The hostages," JC said.
Justin picked up a slice of pineapple and bit into it.
"Sit," he said with his mouth full. "Sit or I'll..." He swallowed. "Sit or I'll eat all of your food."
JC laughed and stole the rest of the slice from Justin's fingers. "That's mine," he said, and ate it before sitting down beside him.
"You've got my cooties now," Justin said.
"I'll survive."
JC took his plate back and began eating in earnest.
Justin did nothing, just watched him and felt things falling quietly into place. He didn't need to retreat to his room or his house or anywhere else, because JC was a safe place, too. He'd always been. JC was... JC was... Justin's very own personal Brazil. He could be gay, he could be straight, he could be a telepathic alien, and it wouldn't change how JC felt about him.
It was a pretty amazing feeling.
He laughed.
"What?" JC said.
"Nothing."
JC wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and then brushed at his chest. "Have I got pineapple on me somewhere?"
"No," Justin said. "I'm just happy."
JC stilled.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah," Justin said. He was.
"Yay," JC said and did a dorky little cheer move before grabbing another piece of pineapple.
He was the cutest thing ever, and Justin had no choice. Quick as lightning, he snatched the pineapple from JC's hand and held it out of reach.
"Hey!"
JC tackled him, and they wrestled for it and somehow ended up on the floor together with JC licking pineapple juice off of Justin's fingers. That was a pretty amazing feeling, too.
No, really, like seriously amazing.
Someone coughed, and Justin looked up to see Chris, Lance, and Joey staring at them.
"What?" Justin said. "Haven't you seen happy people before?"