{oneshot} for you; changmin's anatomy
for you; changmin's anatomy snarkychangmin pg13. angst
Maybe we are people
Tangled in a complicated relationship
Every day I am indebted to you
Debts that is too much for me to pay back
He runs his nimble fingers across the leather bound book in his hands. Slowly, his fingers trace the engraved words, ‘his anatomy.’ His eyes graze over it as he puts it back on the shelf, hiding it from mindless eyes, into the shelf that held his every gifted moment. He turns away and leaves, though not before letting his fingers linger only a moment longer.
He sits comfortably on a balcony chair, staring at the view that once or so many other times other wandering mindless thoughts have stared at before. His hand subconsciously traces the engraved words, his anatomy, once again as his other hands curl around a cold beer, nursing it to his dried lips. He wandered, what often goes on through the minds that had sat here in this moment many times before him? With the sun setting in the horizon, (or was it rising?) he glances at the buzzing cars who rush home to greet their families, leaving the chaos of work, receiving the comfortable air of their loved ones around them. And he smiles yet only sadly, somewhat wandering about those moments again.
Sometimes like a couple, sometimes like strangers
Can we keep living on like that?
Despite countless mistakes and separations
You're still there
They were supposed to be the ‘Rising Gods of the East’…the ones who could sing and had no planted looks by needlework, the people who would take over Asia. (And they did.) Although unbeknownst to himself, he should’ve changed the ending to ‘world’…would it had changed anything? Would their complicated relationship have gone further before drifting blind to the eyes of the public and manipulative to those who ‘own’ them? He heaves a large sigh before setting down his drink and taking a deep breath. Finally, he sets down the beer and glances at the beautiful book that seemed to be mocking him.
It was leather bound, a beautiful dark grazing brown like the intensive color of his own eyes, silver glistening metal edges protecting the book from even the slightest tear, and held together tightly by unseen strings that were of a crème color. And in a solid crème color, the engraved words were written in a slightly offhanded cursive writing (almost like a scribble), a handwriting that Changmin had purposely choose to deter away his English nonspeaking silly band mates from every touching the book. The scrawled words were in the form of ‘his anatomy’ a title that was more than often enough to scare his band mates and other curious onlookers (as well as with the size of the book, a good 1 ½ inches thick.)
He opens the book, letting the flap rest on one of his legs and in comes a simple photograph, not old, but surely dated. It was a simple photo of him and his band members backstage before their debut performance. His usually composed Yunho was seen with a nervous smile, his vain Jaejoong was seen with tears at the back of his eyes, and the once talkative Kim Junsu was even scared into silence and could barely utter a word, as Yoochun, the one thought to be the outcast turned out to look calmer than the rest. They were all in each other’s embrace, one another looking human, raw, and defined with dreams that were only a moment’s grasp. It was quite the picture that had never been unveiled to the world, safely burrowed within his treasured anatomy.
I know that you are the only person
Who can help me live properly in this world?
I, in order to live without regrets
Should keep you by my side
He smiles nostalgically at the photo, thumbing the faces and relishing in the memory of how it had all started before turning onto the next page. He laughs, feels his eyes prick with tears, and every single time, taking a huge drink before compelling himself to continue flipping through the images.
The images varied with each page. From happy moments to the unbearable moments, things that had made them all closer to one another and things that almost threatened to break their fragile relationship. Happier smiles, warmth, closeness, all that had made him and his band mates who they were to each other, it was all in the photos he had so carefully selected and pieced together. These pictures didn’t define them as ‘The Rising Gods of the East’ or as whom they were known to the world, these pictures defined them as who they were in the eyes of a loved one.
Kim Junsu, his often bubbly and charismatic character shown to the world was often that of a loud and childish mood maker that he would not be able to be without. As well as definitely being the hyung he knew would never stab him in the back or betray him, only continuing to love him despite his imperfectness and temper.
Park Yoochun who was so timid and quiet at first upon meeting them all (just because he was rumored to be the typical Asian American) came to be the never drying glue that holds them so deeply together. He was the one person anyone could lean on, someone who would listen and sometimes know without one have to even say a word.
Kim Jaejoong, he was said to have only that of an icy cold exterior, but this person with such a warm heart cannot be hidden within the stereotypical image that is given to be true. Kim Jaejoong, although often associated within unrealistic beings, was the most raw a human person could be when stripped and shredded to pieces. Changmin loved him so, knowing he had to do his all to protect the oldest of the group.
And of course, no one should forget TVXQ’s leader, Jung Yunho, who holds himself the world in which only he would be able to bear the weight of despite the constant regrets and hidden emotions. He’s not perfect, nor is he foolish, but because it is Changmin’s hyung, sometimes he can’t help but be amazed by this presence that his hyung has.
Soon enough, his small smiles turn bitter, his one large drink turning into bottles, and his will to continue looking at the happiness he once shared with 4 significant other people turned more and more distant as he eventually just crumples down.
My rough mind and unstable expressions
And you watching it
That is a love like a war
The images began to seem split. Three and two, two and three.
A smashed bottle, overturned lawn chair, and he’s on the ground, still holding the book far from the destruction he laid in. Changmin turned onto his back, not caring of the alcohol stench sinking into his clothes, not caring that the winds surfed low onto the ground of the balcony as he covered his eyes with one arm and held the book closely to his chest with the other.
Muffled sobs, his own tears, tears he promised he would not shed, and tears he promised he would not show the world for they have already seen it once. But still, he lies there, solemnly.
Because I'm dangerous, because I love you
I will leave from you
- - - - -
By the time Yunho reaches home, there is only the strong stench of alcohol reeking from the laundry room. No figure of Changmin who had probably gone out, nothing out of the ordinary except for the alcoholic smell to signify that his Changmin had been home. He turns to put his bag and coat down when his eyes fell upon the shelf directly mocking him from the doorway.
Something was strange. He slowly propped his items against the wall and walked slowly to the shelf. Maybe he should’ve noticed it more often; maybe he should just walk around the apartment that was once all of theirs. In the shelf that was dedicated to be shared displaying their most memorable items, about three-fifths of the shelves were almost empty.
In Junsu’s shelf, which was at the top, the only thing left was a microphone from their early days, that and a soccer ball souvenir from when they went to the World Championship games so long ago. Other than that, dust had begun to gather. Then he noticed something hidden away at the side, a picture of them. It wasn’t Junsu’s picture though; it was too ‘neat’ to be owned by Junsu.
In Yoochun’s shelf, just right under, were lined pieces of papers. Yoochun had once said they were uncompleted music, uncompleted songs, songs that weren’t meant for anyone but those who knew of its existence. Yunho slowly let his fingers soothe across the pieces of paper. A sharp jerk backwards, he had cut himself on one piece. Yunho took it out, his eyes widen a bit in surprise. It wasn’t Yoochun’s.
In Jaejoong’s shelf, the one of the bottom, held a lot of items, items one thought he would’ve taken but didn’t. Sheets of paper, little cute items, and then his eyes laid on something he didn’t see before. It wasn’t anything extravagant but it wasn’t exactly simple either. It was a customized chain linked bracelet with all their names as smaller charms and one charm bigger than the rest was a charm with ‘TVXQ’. This for sure wasn’t Jaejoong’s.
And so, Yunho looked at his, right under Jaejoong’s own shelf, and had immediately noticed a small patch that did not belong to him or any other member. He furrowed his brows before finally moving onto Min’s shelf, there wasn’t anything unusual, except for the fact that his brown anatomy book was now missing.
Yunho shook his head slightly, now understanding where each piece came from. A small smile adorned his face as he took out his now new iphone and made quite a few calls, and then he headed out the door.
- - - - -
I know that you are the only person
Who can help me live properly in this world?
I, in order to live without regrets,
Should keep you by my side
Changmin had made his way out to the Han River, the one place in which they had all agreed on as one of the highlights in the city of Seoul, a busy city with life brewing in another color. He smiled bitterly as he held the bound book in his hands. A new case of beer was next to him as he sat on the grass; no one had come to venture out on the Han River tonight. (Course, anyone in their right minds would know better than to venture near the river on a cold windy day that usually followed with a thundering storm.)
With the book in hand and a beer can in the other, tears he had shed earlier showed no traces as he gripped the items tightly. He drank in silence, watching the waves as they moved to and fro, rushing, always moving forward, always going one way and yet somehow ending up in the same place after a certain time. He wondered if that would ever be possible.
My rough mind and unstable expressions
And you watching it
That is a love like a war
If they all continued to move forward like that of water, would it be possible that they’d be able to travel back to the same place again? Even if it wasn’t going to be in the same time frame anymore? Would they still somehow end up in the place they once been, only cleaner, only after seeing the wonders of the world? It was what they were doing now, wasn’t it?
He sighed loudly, letting his gaze to pierce the ever once again mocking world as he opened the bounded book in his hands. He gazed softly at the innocent smiling faces in the picture, and he smiled slightly before tears glistened in his eyes. Would he ever be able to look at these photos again, without crying? He didn’t know, but even so, he turned the pages until he reached the back of the book.
Because I'm dangerous, because I love you
I will leave from you
In the back of the book held another photo that had never been seen by that of any other but himself, not even his own band mates knew of this photo. A photo that he had discreetly capped after recording a session of one of their usual hangout nights. One where they would forget for a moment that they were 5 rising gods, 5 faces of the world, would forget that they were TVXQ, and that they were nothing, nothing but individuals living their lives with four other people.
They had all been smiling, no worries, and no signs of stress on their faces. He remembered this photo clearly, he had just turned 21 and to finally celebrate the fact that he could now drink with the rest of his hyungs (legally), Yunho had treated to buying 2 cases of heavy soju. They were drunk when this photo happened, but it was nevertheless one of the clearest memories in Changmin’s mind.
They were located on the bank of the Han River, almost like a day like this, except it had been evening then. Jaejoong had been leaning on Yunho, a large glass of soju evidently in his hand as he smiled his precious wide smile (that wasn’t hidden behind his hand), and Yunho leaned back into him while having an arm around Junsu. Junsu at the time had his head tilted up, his infamous laugh ringing through the inanimate photo in Changmin’s hand. Yoochun then and there had somehow gotten a hold of a toy piano and had one hand pressed down on keys while the other encircled himself as they had been laughing, smiling at an almost carefree moment. (Not caring for the hangover that was bound to happen early the next day.) It was a wonderful clear moment, one in which Changmin had to work especially hard in just trying to make it a clear photo from the crappy recording that he had set up moments before they started to drink. He wanted to record the event, an event in which he thought he would not remember.
For you…I will leave
- - - - -
All of a sudden hands clasped around his shoulders, causing him to shut the book automatically as he waved his arm away and looked behind him. It had been Junsu who had caused him to jump (and almost tainting his favorite memory). He yelled at Junsu, stammering a bit as he then noticed everyone was there. (How did they find him…he wandered but then again this was the only place in Seoul the boys had ever had fond memories of since their debut)…
Jaejoong with his newly dyed hair, Junsu - himself being a living glow stick, Yoochun finally had a nice short haircut (after stealing what Changmin had always deemed to be his ‘long braided ponytail’), and the same old Yunho who now seemed more alive, a bit more relieved.
Changmin smiled for the first time in months, a first genuine smile after so long as he set aside his book and brought Junsu down into a wrestle as his empty can lie on the grass. Laughter sprang out amongst the members, and somehow, Changmin was glad that moments like these could still exist.
Moments where they could forget that their company is trying to rip them apart, moments where they don’t have to be idols who should keep up an image and appearance, or even more so, they can just be people who were people. He glanced briefly at the river, somewhat glad that it continued to push forward, never going back, always rushing to go forward so it can return to the same place again. He spared it a small smile before Jaejoong loudly exclaimed about his anatomy book not totally being an anatomy book. He sprinted from his mini-wrestling match with Junsu and went to recover his book from Jaejoong.
Jaejoong however had already begun to admire his handiwork of the book, slowly grazing his hands over the cover, admiring its neutral beauty with bounded secrets. Everyone by now had begun to surround Changmin’s ‘Anatomy Book’, ‘ooh-ing’ and ‘ahh-ing’. Jaejoong’s doe eyes turned his way, silently pleading to open the book as his fingers grazed across the written chicken scratch on the front cover of his book. And Changmin nodded, allowing himself to bare his soul to the four others who completed him…
For they were his anatomy, his structural foundation of who he was from individual cells to the very protective layer of his skin.
For You, Changmin’s Anatomy
Maybe we are people
Tangled in a complicated relationship
Every day I am indebted to you
Debts that is too much for me to pay back
He runs his nimble fingers across the leather bound book in his hands. Slowly, his fingers trace the engraved words, ‘his anatomy.’ His eyes graze over it as he puts it back on the shelf, hiding it from mindless eyes, into the shelf that held his every gifted moment. He turns away and leaves, though not before letting his fingers linger only a moment longer.
He sits comfortably on a balcony chair, staring at the view that once or so many other times other wandering mindless thoughts have stared at before. His hand subconsciously traces the engraved words, his anatomy, once again as his other hands curl around a cold beer, nursing it to his dried lips. He wandered, what often goes on through the minds that had sat here in this moment many times before him? With the sun setting in the horizon, (or was it rising?) he glances at the buzzing cars who rush home to greet their families, leaving the chaos of work, receiving the comfortable air of their loved ones around them. And he smiles yet only sadly, somewhat wandering about those moments again.
Sometimes like a couple, sometimes like strangers
Can we keep living on like that?
Despite countless mistakes and separations
You're still there
They were supposed to be the ‘Rising Gods of the East’…the ones who could sing and had no planted looks by needlework, the people who would take over Asia. (And they did.) Although unbeknownst to himself, he should’ve changed the ending to ‘world’…would it had changed anything? Would their complicated relationship have gone further before drifting blind to the eyes of the public and manipulative to those who ‘own’ them? He heaves a large sigh before setting down his drink and taking a deep breath. Finally, he sets down the beer and glances at the beautiful book that seemed to be mocking him.
It was leather bound, a beautiful dark grazing brown like the intensive color of his own eyes, silver glistening metal edges protecting the book from even the slightest tear, and held together tightly by unseen strings that were of a crème color. And in a solid crème color, the engraved words were written in a slightly offhanded cursive writing (almost like a scribble), a handwriting that Changmin had purposely choose to deter away his English nonspeaking silly band mates from every touching the book. The scrawled words were in the form of ‘his anatomy’ a title that was more than often enough to scare his band mates and other curious onlookers (as well as with the size of the book, a good 1 ½ inches thick.)
He opens the book, letting the flap rest on one of his legs and in comes a simple photograph, not old, but surely dated. It was a simple photo of him and his band members backstage before their debut performance. His usually composed Yunho was seen with a nervous smile, his vain Jaejoong was seen with tears at the back of his eyes, and the once talkative Kim Junsu was even scared into silence and could barely utter a word, as Yoochun, the one thought to be the outcast turned out to look calmer than the rest. They were all in each other’s embrace, one another looking human, raw, and defined with dreams that were only a moment’s grasp. It was quite the picture that had never been unveiled to the world, safely burrowed within his treasured anatomy.
I know that you are the only person
Who can help me live properly in this world?
I, in order to live without regrets
Should keep you by my side
He smiles nostalgically at the photo, thumbing the faces and relishing in the memory of how it had all started before turning onto the next page. He laughs, feels his eyes prick with tears, and every single time, taking a huge drink before compelling himself to continue flipping through the images.
The images varied with each page. From happy moments to the unbearable moments, things that had made them all closer to one another and things that almost threatened to break their fragile relationship. Happier smiles, warmth, closeness, all that had made him and his band mates who they were to each other, it was all in the photos he had so carefully selected and pieced together. These pictures didn’t define them as ‘The Rising Gods of the East’ or as whom they were known to the world, these pictures defined them as who they were in the eyes of a loved one.
Kim Junsu, his often bubbly and charismatic character shown to the world was often that of a loud and childish mood maker that he would not be able to be without. As well as definitely being the hyung he knew would never stab him in the back or betray him, only continuing to love him despite his imperfectness and temper.
Park Yoochun who was so timid and quiet at first upon meeting them all (just because he was rumored to be the typical Asian American) came to be the never drying glue that holds them so deeply together. He was the one person anyone could lean on, someone who would listen and sometimes know without one have to even say a word.
Kim Jaejoong, he was said to have only that of an icy cold exterior, but this person with such a warm heart cannot be hidden within the stereotypical image that is given to be true. Kim Jaejoong, although often associated within unrealistic beings, was the most raw a human person could be when stripped and shredded to pieces. Changmin loved him so, knowing he had to do his all to protect the oldest of the group.
And of course, no one should forget TVXQ’s leader, Jung Yunho, who holds himself the world in which only he would be able to bear the weight of despite the constant regrets and hidden emotions. He’s not perfect, nor is he foolish, but because it is Changmin’s hyung, sometimes he can’t help but be amazed by this presence that his hyung has.
Soon enough, his small smiles turn bitter, his one large drink turning into bottles, and his will to continue looking at the happiness he once shared with 4 significant other people turned more and more distant as he eventually just crumples down.
My rough mind and unstable expressions
And you watching it
That is a love like a war
The images began to seem split. Three and two, two and three.
A smashed bottle, overturned lawn chair, and he’s on the ground, still holding the book far from the destruction he laid in. Changmin turned onto his back, not caring of the alcohol stench sinking into his clothes, not caring that the winds surfed low onto the ground of the balcony as he covered his eyes with one arm and held the book closely to his chest with the other.
Muffled sobs, his own tears, tears he promised he would not shed, and tears he promised he would not show the world for they have already seen it once. But still, he lies there, solemnly.
Because I'm dangerous, because I love you
I will leave from you
- - - - -
By the time Yunho reaches home, there is only the strong stench of alcohol reeking from the laundry room. No figure of Changmin who had probably gone out, nothing out of the ordinary except for the alcoholic smell to signify that his Changmin had been home. He turns to put his bag and coat down when his eyes fell upon the shelf directly mocking him from the doorway.
Something was strange. He slowly propped his items against the wall and walked slowly to the shelf. Maybe he should’ve noticed it more often; maybe he should just walk around the apartment that was once all of theirs. In the shelf that was dedicated to be shared displaying their most memorable items, about three-fifths of the shelves were almost empty.
In Junsu’s shelf, which was at the top, the only thing left was a microphone from their early days, that and a soccer ball souvenir from when they went to the World Championship games so long ago. Other than that, dust had begun to gather. Then he noticed something hidden away at the side, a picture of them. It wasn’t Junsu’s picture though; it was too ‘neat’ to be owned by Junsu.
In Yoochun’s shelf, just right under, were lined pieces of papers. Yoochun had once said they were uncompleted music, uncompleted songs, songs that weren’t meant for anyone but those who knew of its existence. Yunho slowly let his fingers soothe across the pieces of paper. A sharp jerk backwards, he had cut himself on one piece. Yunho took it out, his eyes widen a bit in surprise. It wasn’t Yoochun’s.
In Jaejoong’s shelf, the one of the bottom, held a lot of items, items one thought he would’ve taken but didn’t. Sheets of paper, little cute items, and then his eyes laid on something he didn’t see before. It wasn’t anything extravagant but it wasn’t exactly simple either. It was a customized chain linked bracelet with all their names as smaller charms and one charm bigger than the rest was a charm with ‘TVXQ’. This for sure wasn’t Jaejoong’s.
And so, Yunho looked at his, right under Jaejoong’s own shelf, and had immediately noticed a small patch that did not belong to him or any other member. He furrowed his brows before finally moving onto Min’s shelf, there wasn’t anything unusual, except for the fact that his brown anatomy book was now missing.
Yunho shook his head slightly, now understanding where each piece came from. A small smile adorned his face as he took out his now new iphone and made quite a few calls, and then he headed out the door.
- - - - -
I know that you are the only person
Who can help me live properly in this world?
I, in order to live without regrets,
Should keep you by my side
Changmin had made his way out to the Han River, the one place in which they had all agreed on as one of the highlights in the city of Seoul, a busy city with life brewing in another color. He smiled bitterly as he held the bound book in his hands. A new case of beer was next to him as he sat on the grass; no one had come to venture out on the Han River tonight. (Course, anyone in their right minds would know better than to venture near the river on a cold windy day that usually followed with a thundering storm.)
With the book in hand and a beer can in the other, tears he had shed earlier showed no traces as he gripped the items tightly. He drank in silence, watching the waves as they moved to and fro, rushing, always moving forward, always going one way and yet somehow ending up in the same place after a certain time. He wondered if that would ever be possible.
My rough mind and unstable expressions
And you watching it
That is a love like a war
If they all continued to move forward like that of water, would it be possible that they’d be able to travel back to the same place again? Even if it wasn’t going to be in the same time frame anymore? Would they still somehow end up in the place they once been, only cleaner, only after seeing the wonders of the world? It was what they were doing now, wasn’t it?
He sighed loudly, letting his gaze to pierce the ever once again mocking world as he opened the bounded book in his hands. He gazed softly at the innocent smiling faces in the picture, and he smiled slightly before tears glistened in his eyes. Would he ever be able to look at these photos again, without crying? He didn’t know, but even so, he turned the pages until he reached the back of the book.
Because I'm dangerous, because I love you
I will leave from you
In the back of the book held another photo that had never been seen by that of any other but himself, not even his own band mates knew of this photo. A photo that he had discreetly capped after recording a session of one of their usual hangout nights. One where they would forget for a moment that they were 5 rising gods, 5 faces of the world, would forget that they were TVXQ, and that they were nothing, nothing but individuals living their lives with four other people.
They had all been smiling, no worries, and no signs of stress on their faces. He remembered this photo clearly, he had just turned 21 and to finally celebrate the fact that he could now drink with the rest of his hyungs (legally), Yunho had treated to buying 2 cases of heavy soju. They were drunk when this photo happened, but it was nevertheless one of the clearest memories in Changmin’s mind.
They were located on the bank of the Han River, almost like a day like this, except it had been evening then. Jaejoong had been leaning on Yunho, a large glass of soju evidently in his hand as he smiled his precious wide smile (that wasn’t hidden behind his hand), and Yunho leaned back into him while having an arm around Junsu. Junsu at the time had his head tilted up, his infamous laugh ringing through the inanimate photo in Changmin’s hand. Yoochun then and there had somehow gotten a hold of a toy piano and had one hand pressed down on keys while the other encircled himself as they had been laughing, smiling at an almost carefree moment. (Not caring for the hangover that was bound to happen early the next day.) It was a wonderful clear moment, one in which Changmin had to work especially hard in just trying to make it a clear photo from the crappy recording that he had set up moments before they started to drink. He wanted to record the event, an event in which he thought he would not remember.
For you…I will leave
- - - - -
All of a sudden hands clasped around his shoulders, causing him to shut the book automatically as he waved his arm away and looked behind him. It had been Junsu who had caused him to jump (and almost tainting his favorite memory). He yelled at Junsu, stammering a bit as he then noticed everyone was there. (How did they find him…he wandered but then again this was the only place in Seoul the boys had ever had fond memories of since their debut)…
Jaejoong with his newly dyed hair, Junsu - himself being a living glow stick, Yoochun finally had a nice short haircut (after stealing what Changmin had always deemed to be his ‘long braided ponytail’), and the same old Yunho who now seemed more alive, a bit more relieved.
Changmin smiled for the first time in months, a first genuine smile after so long as he set aside his book and brought Junsu down into a wrestle as his empty can lie on the grass. Laughter sprang out amongst the members, and somehow, Changmin was glad that moments like these could still exist.
Moments where they could forget that their company is trying to rip them apart, moments where they don’t have to be idols who should keep up an image and appearance, or even more so, they can just be people who were people. He glanced briefly at the river, somewhat glad that it continued to push forward, never going back, always rushing to go forward so it can return to the same place again. He spared it a small smile before Jaejoong loudly exclaimed about his anatomy book not totally being an anatomy book. He sprinted from his mini-wrestling match with Junsu and went to recover his book from Jaejoong.
Jaejoong however had already begun to admire his handiwork of the book, slowly grazing his hands over the cover, admiring its neutral beauty with bounded secrets. Everyone by now had begun to surround Changmin’s ‘Anatomy Book’, ‘ooh-ing’ and ‘ahh-ing’. Jaejoong’s doe eyes turned his way, silently pleading to open the book as his fingers grazed across the written chicken scratch on the front cover of his book. And Changmin nodded, allowing himself to bare his soul to the four others who completed him…
For they were his anatomy, his structural foundation of who he was from individual cells to the very protective layer of his skin.
For You, Changmin’s Anatomy