(no subject)
To tell you the truth, I feel completely alone. I feel so terribly alone because I know... I KNOW that I have no one's heart... and therefore none that I can give at least a piece of mine to.
Fuck, I know that my hormones are all over the place right now, and that I should be happy...because Curt is here now, and I can have Curt, and I can have Ulf too, and Ulf can have Curt... and yet I still feel alone.
And scared half to death, because I know Xuchilbara still wants me.
I have to talk to him, I just have to. I feel him calling me, beckoning me to be with him again. His mark, it's like it's still under my skin where he bit, he gnawed...he'd swallow me whole if I hadn't left him, I know it.
I was accessible. I was his fancy.
I was I was I was
Yet I no longer am. He had others, of course. And they were new, so I dwindled
to the point of anonymity, the grime under his boot.Yet I kept crawling back for more. So he left all of us alone there. And I've had such a hard time knowing who I really am since then.
Perhaps I just feel this way after what happened....but I know how my life is. I know that I am useless and never quite good enough. A poor man's piece of ass, hell, I'm not even good enough for the poor man.
If Xuchilbara kills me, Ulf and Curt will move on. Because they'll have to. They can't- won't- shouldn't fight for me. And they don't either of them love me, no one would love me and only me. I wouldn't expect them to. That would be cruel to both of them.
Why do I always hold people to such high standards? From the gas pump guy at some random station to my best friend to my lovers… I always expect them to be perfect. And when they prove to be only human, I feel like I am breaking on the inside. It’s silly really, as I couldn’t possibly live up to the standards I impose on other people.
At least if I die they'll have each other.
But I promised I'd talk to Xulchi anyway. I better get going...
pray for me.