I'm sad.
Don't get me wrong I'm probably better off than a lot of people in some regards. It's all weighing on me lately.
I don't know that ironic is the right word but here we are.
Virus thing doesn't change anything but I guess it has given me some perspective.
In practical terms very much not helping. I'm sad I didn't visit a certain person and now it's probably going to be a while if at all.
I almost offered people some advice on long, medium, or short term isolation ,work from home, etc but fuck it. It's really not that hard.
If people had cared about the illegal wildlife trade or environmental impact of their purchases or actions they wouldn't be hoarding toilet paper and freaking out.
Me ? I've worried I was going to be harmed for years and it looks like I will at some level forever. I feel sorry for people who were assaulted by their higher ups in the military. Thing is it'll vary what might happen to him and zero prediction on his reaction to that. Do know and accept that it cost him something (hey Denmark umm your welcome I think but don't exactly know why) and hopefully he "learned his lesson". Strong note on that; he basically said he'd repeat unwanted violation of me physically and don't think he's a better person but he can chose to control himself if the calculation on that is high enough probably. I find it hard that society puts some much on the wrong people to bare the consequences and effort.
I feel like my first job /responsiblity is to protect me now though. I can't tell you why. Might be practical but if that was it I feel I would have gone with that long time ago. Not much I can say I'm looking forward to. I did have a dream about being in the sun and happy and serene and lol married to a rich man. I laughed for about 5 minutes when I woke up but guess rich isn't a disqualifier. Here's the strange part that can go two ways with me it either reminds me of what I've lost or alternatively what I could lose if I'm harmed/dead let's be honest if you goes all out I've not heard a practical way I'm safe and he's highly vindictive and mental in ways that don't think abuser therapy and drugs would even fix (maybe simmer down a bit). No knowing. That I have some kind of weird quasi choice amazing. Also made me realize just how fucked up everything still is. Maybe the thing that makes me go hey it's mostly up to me because umm fuck the rest of everything and one basically.
You paying me? Don't expect shit out of me unless I feel like it and mostly I don't feel like it.
Don't burden me.
Don't lie to me or about me.
Mind your own God damn business unless you want to make my life better.
My anger does remain like a dragon in a lake waiting to surface if need be.
But mostly it's a tragedy how messed up everything is. It shouldn't and didn't have to be like this.