the cocktail of upfuckery that is my mind
After my last period, I was unable to get my BC pills refilled for a variety of reasons that had everything to do with my last (awful) gynecologist's appointment and my apparent failure to give the pharmacy my new prescription. It took over a week for me to get the prescription dealt with. By that point, I was already a week late on my pills, so I decided to just wait out the month, have a "regular" period, and just start my pills on the first Sunday after that period. That way, I wouldn't have the inevitable 10 days of breakthrough bleeding and no period that always characterizes a messed-up cycle. My body is more powerful than most BC, when it comes to bleeding--the body says I WILL BLEED NOW, and the birth control can't stop it unless I've been taking it with militant regularity.
I didn't anticipate any real problems beyond a potentially excruciating period. But I thought I could take it. (I was amused to discover that I apparently ovulate just fine on my first cycle w/o pills--will need to remember that if sexxing is ever in my future.)
But here's the thing. I think--and insert standard hypochondriac disclaimer here, but I've suspected this for quite some time (months to years)--that I might actually have a mild form of PMDD, rather than just PMS.
Because even when I'm taking my BC, I always know my period's approaching, aside from the decreasing number of yellow pills in the pack (I keep *dreadful* track, and the only reason I've been keeping track at all this month is b/c of the prescription screw-up), is that things start seeming...intense. I find everything just that much harder to deal with. I'm angrier, more anxious, more prone to depression. Oh, and clumsier, but that's hard to measure, given how clumsy I am in general. I suppose that would normally be just PMS, but...I have *while* I'm on the Pill AND I'm maxed out on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.
And right now? Without the hormone regulation? Holy shit. Admittedly, I've got external stressors. I'm still waiting to hear on the job thing. More upsetting is the fact that my mom's cat, Allie, is sick, and I"m absolutely sick with anxiety over that. The vet said on Tuesday that it was probably pancreatitis, but she's still sick, and Mom's taking her back in tomorrow, but I feel like waiting is killing me. All day, I've been feeling like I"m on the edge of a panic attack and/or like I'm going to cry at any moment. I've spontaneously started crying once already. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm just freaking out.
So, naturally, I've been doing research--first, to see if being premenstrual might just be exacerbating the normal symptoms of my GAD. Which is totally possible--apparently that is known to happen in women with GAD and other anxiety disorders. But there's also high comorbidity with anxiety disorders and PMDD.
Of course, now is the absolute WORST time to be figuring this stuff out. I'm overwhelmed with stress and I'm premenstrual, and so my judgment is impaired, and maybe I've begun deflecting my standard health anxiety, which has gotten under control over the years, into a mental health anxiety.
I don't see my therapist till Wednesday. I don't have a doctor any more--I used to go to the student clinic, and now I can't, b/c I'm not a student. I would see someone, but ... there's no one for me to see. And, to be honest, I don't really have time.
I feel like I might be okay once I know Allie will be okay, but I'm not sure. I just...I'm just kind of freaking out. AND I've had wine, so I'm not even sure I can or should take an Ativan, which is my emergency medication for nights like this.
I didn't anticipate any real problems beyond a potentially excruciating period. But I thought I could take it. (I was amused to discover that I apparently ovulate just fine on my first cycle w/o pills--will need to remember that if sexxing is ever in my future.)
But here's the thing. I think--and insert standard hypochondriac disclaimer here, but I've suspected this for quite some time (months to years)--that I might actually have a mild form of PMDD, rather than just PMS.
Because even when I'm taking my BC, I always know my period's approaching, aside from the decreasing number of yellow pills in the pack (I keep *dreadful* track, and the only reason I've been keeping track at all this month is b/c of the prescription screw-up), is that things start seeming...intense. I find everything just that much harder to deal with. I'm angrier, more anxious, more prone to depression. Oh, and clumsier, but that's hard to measure, given how clumsy I am in general. I suppose that would normally be just PMS, but...I have *while* I'm on the Pill AND I'm maxed out on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.
And right now? Without the hormone regulation? Holy shit. Admittedly, I've got external stressors. I'm still waiting to hear on the job thing. More upsetting is the fact that my mom's cat, Allie, is sick, and I"m absolutely sick with anxiety over that. The vet said on Tuesday that it was probably pancreatitis, but she's still sick, and Mom's taking her back in tomorrow, but I feel like waiting is killing me. All day, I've been feeling like I"m on the edge of a panic attack and/or like I'm going to cry at any moment. I've spontaneously started crying once already. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm just freaking out.
So, naturally, I've been doing research--first, to see if being premenstrual might just be exacerbating the normal symptoms of my GAD. Which is totally possible--apparently that is known to happen in women with GAD and other anxiety disorders. But there's also high comorbidity with anxiety disorders and PMDD.
Of course, now is the absolute WORST time to be figuring this stuff out. I'm overwhelmed with stress and I'm premenstrual, and so my judgment is impaired, and maybe I've begun deflecting my standard health anxiety, which has gotten under control over the years, into a mental health anxiety.
I don't see my therapist till Wednesday. I don't have a doctor any more--I used to go to the student clinic, and now I can't, b/c I'm not a student. I would see someone, but ... there's no one for me to see. And, to be honest, I don't really have time.
I feel like I might be okay once I know Allie will be okay, but I'm not sure. I just...I'm just kind of freaking out. AND I've had wine, so I'm not even sure I can or should take an Ativan, which is my emergency medication for nights like this.