Numb. [Fic Related - Running the Gauntlet, ch4]
((SC and RtG's plot backgrounds work based on a mixture of comic and cartoon continuities, just as a reminder. The most major point is that Primus is the Cybertronian deity most follow and the sole creator of the race. I like to think that the Quintessons did invade and hold the planet at one time, thus twisting history to make it seem as though they were the creators...but they did not actually create the Transformers.))
There comes a point in every physician's career when he has to accept that no matter what he does or how hard he tries...every patient he saves will eventually pass on from one cause or another. Whether it be illness, accidents...or war and murder.
Only six of us crew the Wayfarer, not counting Jaraxis or our current "guest", but...I suppose I've come to consider myself one of the unwavering pillars of strength among our group. I'm not saying the rest aren't strong in their own ways, but even for as powerful and willful as mechs like Brawn and Ironhide can be, they're still very emotional. As our old human friends might have said back in the day, before war took us all, they tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves. Wheeljack has always been so good natured and he was already so confused by Blitzwing's presence that it seems he's not sure how to react. Windcharger is...well, much the same. I think he's a bit more hardened than 'Jack, but not by much. And Prowl... I know he thinks he's supposed to be the strongest, emotionally, among us all if just because he's our elected leader. But every mech has his moments and Optimus was as much my commander as Prowl's...and as much a friend.
I can still remember the day we all found out that Sentinel Prime fell to the Decepticons. No one knew what to do or think. The fact that the Matrix wasn't lost seemed a small consolation. Prowl and I were already established in the Autobot army in our respective fields. We'd known Sentinel Prime. Worked with him. I wasn't Chief Medical Officer for the 'Bot side just yet, but...that would come soon enough. It was, after all, Optimus who appointed me based on Prowl's recommendation. Both of us were shocked when it turned out that the next Prime would be a young archivist who'd only recently moved up from being a warehouse worker. But Optimus was different from Sentinel. He was more personable, more down-to-planet. He was also less interested in what the Council wanted and more interested in what was best for our people. In that light, he wasn't up to par at first when it came to taking on Megatron, but he learned over time. He gathered us all...appointed some of us as his officers and right hand mechs. Ironhide, who'd already known Optimus from the warehouses from his stints in security, was a good friend of the new Prime's and became his personal bodyguard as a result.
To hear from Blitzwing that Optimus Prime is no more...? It's a heavy, hard-handed blow to say the very least. I...know I back talked to Prime quite a bit, both on Earth and Cybertron, but...well, he knew why. It was because I wanted to help him, because I...cared about him as friend, not just as my commanding officer. It really does make me wonder what we're returning to...what's left of the life we used to know. Primus was good to our little group, why couldn't he have saved Optimus, as well? I know all of us here are thinking it; Earth and Cybertron don't need us as much as they need him. Why were we spared instead of him? Why??
Part of me wants to get my hands on a few heavy double shots of high-grade and just drown my sorrows as much as possible, but I know from experience that kinda thing only kills the pain, temporarily. When I next come out of recharge, that horrible numb, uncertain feeling will be staring me in the faceplate all over again...that, on top of a hangover. To add to the pain, I feel guilty for subjecting Jaraxis to this whole mess. I've been trying to seal myself - my feelings - but it only makes him miserable, makes him harass me more about just talking it out. Troublesome as he can be, 'Rax just...just can't stand not knowing what's going on inside me. Thing of it is, I know that if he were going through something similar, I wouldn't want him to lock me out completely, either. It's a tough thing for me to stop and consider, but we both need one another because of the link we share, because of what we've been through already, together.
I wish I knew how things are going to turn out...but I don't. And I don't know how much longer I can hold up, being one of the strong ones. Even Prowl's broken down once; I've seen him trying to rub the dried optic fluid from his shutters.
Primus help me. Jaraxis...stay with me.
There comes a point in every physician's career when he has to accept that no matter what he does or how hard he tries...every patient he saves will eventually pass on from one cause or another. Whether it be illness, accidents...or war and murder.
Only six of us crew the Wayfarer, not counting Jaraxis or our current "guest", but...I suppose I've come to consider myself one of the unwavering pillars of strength among our group. I'm not saying the rest aren't strong in their own ways, but even for as powerful and willful as mechs like Brawn and Ironhide can be, they're still very emotional. As our old human friends might have said back in the day, before war took us all, they tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves. Wheeljack has always been so good natured and he was already so confused by Blitzwing's presence that it seems he's not sure how to react. Windcharger is...well, much the same. I think he's a bit more hardened than 'Jack, but not by much. And Prowl... I know he thinks he's supposed to be the strongest, emotionally, among us all if just because he's our elected leader. But every mech has his moments and Optimus was as much my commander as Prowl's...and as much a friend.
I can still remember the day we all found out that Sentinel Prime fell to the Decepticons. No one knew what to do or think. The fact that the Matrix wasn't lost seemed a small consolation. Prowl and I were already established in the Autobot army in our respective fields. We'd known Sentinel Prime. Worked with him. I wasn't Chief Medical Officer for the 'Bot side just yet, but...that would come soon enough. It was, after all, Optimus who appointed me based on Prowl's recommendation. Both of us were shocked when it turned out that the next Prime would be a young archivist who'd only recently moved up from being a warehouse worker. But Optimus was different from Sentinel. He was more personable, more down-to-planet. He was also less interested in what the Council wanted and more interested in what was best for our people. In that light, he wasn't up to par at first when it came to taking on Megatron, but he learned over time. He gathered us all...appointed some of us as his officers and right hand mechs. Ironhide, who'd already known Optimus from the warehouses from his stints in security, was a good friend of the new Prime's and became his personal bodyguard as a result.
To hear from Blitzwing that Optimus Prime is no more...? It's a heavy, hard-handed blow to say the very least. I...know I back talked to Prime quite a bit, both on Earth and Cybertron, but...well, he knew why. It was because I wanted to help him, because I...cared about him as friend, not just as my commanding officer. It really does make me wonder what we're returning to...what's left of the life we used to know. Primus was good to our little group, why couldn't he have saved Optimus, as well? I know all of us here are thinking it; Earth and Cybertron don't need us as much as they need him. Why were we spared instead of him? Why??
Part of me wants to get my hands on a few heavy double shots of high-grade and just drown my sorrows as much as possible, but I know from experience that kinda thing only kills the pain, temporarily. When I next come out of recharge, that horrible numb, uncertain feeling will be staring me in the faceplate all over again...that, on top of a hangover. To add to the pain, I feel guilty for subjecting Jaraxis to this whole mess. I've been trying to seal myself - my feelings - but it only makes him miserable, makes him harass me more about just talking it out. Troublesome as he can be, 'Rax just...just can't stand not knowing what's going on inside me. Thing of it is, I know that if he were going through something similar, I wouldn't want him to lock me out completely, either. It's a tough thing for me to stop and consider, but we both need one another because of the link we share, because of what we've been through already, together.
I wish I knew how things are going to turn out...but I don't. And I don't know how much longer I can hold up, being one of the strong ones. Even Prowl's broken down once; I've seen him trying to rub the dried optic fluid from his shutters.
Primus help me. Jaraxis...stay with me.