The things you find you hate the most
Have you ever noticed how people seem to be truly passionate about the things they are trying to overcome? For example, many of us, say we hate something, when we are exactly that. My favorite quote is from shakespeare's a midnights summer dream, when he talks about love looking with the mind and not the eyes. For so long i was discussed at the thought of people "falling in love" with an individual, just because she was beautiful. I detested the man who would approach me without first finding out my name. People would often laugh at me, say there sorry, and respond with "its every pretty girls curse". Boy, that quote sure did get under my skin. Because i never felt pretty, I knew that others saw me that way, or at least announced it.
As of now, i constantly find myself just wanting to be loved. To truly be somebodys everything. To be their first thought in the morning, and their last at night. I want that look, the look of love...
Most of you know, that Mitchell and I recently broke up. Well, it has now been a good 2 going on 3 months. Which is actually a weird concept to grasp. However, it is completely different from most break ups. Because we are in different cities, there is never that constant reminder who your trying to avoid. Instead, its so much worse. Instead, the things that would remind me of him and make me smile, now just make me feel indifferent. I often just find myself wondering when i will find closure, and finally be at peace with everything.
The emotion that has seemed to overwhelm me at the moment is jelousy. Which i find to be extremely hilarious. When mitchell and I first started dating, he often became jelouse over the littlest things. However, before we broke up, the things that you think a person would worry about, or at least question, he was blind to. Well, i won't say blind, but his will, his passion for me was gone. So, now that we are no longer an item, he, like most is getting back out there. But when i exam these girls, I find myself picking out all their outer flaws. Superficial? Exactly. I know thats not whats its about, I know its what i hate the most. Alas, that is the only thing i have security knowing. The world has brought me up to think that im "cute" regardless of what im feeling, and so i feel like thats what i have up against them. Sad? Very. I know that prettiness doesn't bring happiness. I know that its the smile that will warm the heart, and i know its the heart behind the lips that makes everything worth it.
So, as of last night, I realized that im not getting anywhere. Im constantly going in this circle. I find myself thinking that I am finally going through the steps of getting over Mitchell, when I return to step 1 again. I think i have come to terms that i will never stop loving him. I have always loved him, and at a moment I was in love with him. Somebody asked me the other day if i was still "in love". Am I? I don't know. I know i don't want to be, I want to get him out of mind, but its not the same. Because no matter what i try to tell myself, my heart is stronger, and i end my day in tears. Therefore, im going to try to be open about dating. I don't know how it will work. And I feel selfish trying to start dating now, because I feel i would just be using these guys to try to help me get over another one of them. Is it selfish?
I sometimes wish i didn't care as much. I sometimes wish i could be those kids who participated in one night stands. Not that im saying i want to have meaningless sex. Just that, I would like to be able to forget everything that i stood for, and just be free. Free for one night, to forget everthing and live fully without regret. Isn't that what life is all about anyways? huhm.
lol. I apologize for this enormous post.
As of now, i constantly find myself just wanting to be loved. To truly be somebodys everything. To be their first thought in the morning, and their last at night. I want that look, the look of love...
Most of you know, that Mitchell and I recently broke up. Well, it has now been a good 2 going on 3 months. Which is actually a weird concept to grasp. However, it is completely different from most break ups. Because we are in different cities, there is never that constant reminder who your trying to avoid. Instead, its so much worse. Instead, the things that would remind me of him and make me smile, now just make me feel indifferent. I often just find myself wondering when i will find closure, and finally be at peace with everything.
The emotion that has seemed to overwhelm me at the moment is jelousy. Which i find to be extremely hilarious. When mitchell and I first started dating, he often became jelouse over the littlest things. However, before we broke up, the things that you think a person would worry about, or at least question, he was blind to. Well, i won't say blind, but his will, his passion for me was gone. So, now that we are no longer an item, he, like most is getting back out there. But when i exam these girls, I find myself picking out all their outer flaws. Superficial? Exactly. I know thats not whats its about, I know its what i hate the most. Alas, that is the only thing i have security knowing. The world has brought me up to think that im "cute" regardless of what im feeling, and so i feel like thats what i have up against them. Sad? Very. I know that prettiness doesn't bring happiness. I know that its the smile that will warm the heart, and i know its the heart behind the lips that makes everything worth it.
So, as of last night, I realized that im not getting anywhere. Im constantly going in this circle. I find myself thinking that I am finally going through the steps of getting over Mitchell, when I return to step 1 again. I think i have come to terms that i will never stop loving him. I have always loved him, and at a moment I was in love with him. Somebody asked me the other day if i was still "in love". Am I? I don't know. I know i don't want to be, I want to get him out of mind, but its not the same. Because no matter what i try to tell myself, my heart is stronger, and i end my day in tears. Therefore, im going to try to be open about dating. I don't know how it will work. And I feel selfish trying to start dating now, because I feel i would just be using these guys to try to help me get over another one of them. Is it selfish?
I sometimes wish i didn't care as much. I sometimes wish i could be those kids who participated in one night stands. Not that im saying i want to have meaningless sex. Just that, I would like to be able to forget everything that i stood for, and just be free. Free for one night, to forget everthing and live fully without regret. Isn't that what life is all about anyways? huhm.
lol. I apologize for this enormous post.