CROSSOVER BIG BANG: I Don't Know Why You Say Goodbye (I Say Hello)

[snapshot]

There is a buzz-no,-excitement. There is talk, there is the sudden itch in everyone's blood to stand out, to do better - to be better. It gets to him first out of everyone: he stands taller, sings louder, dances bigger, sweats harder. The only one who works harder than him is Jaebum. Kwon finds himself competing against Jaebum (again)-whatever Jaebum does, Kwon does it too and does it better.

Then it happens: the staff starts to split the trainees into groups. They mix everyone up, boys and girls, or keeps them all together. Kwon's pleased to note that every time he gets put into a group, he’s with Jaebum. Kwon can feel it, this is it. This is everything that he's been waiting for; it's so close he can taste his debut on the tip of his tongue. After all these years spent within the too-white walls of his dorm, dragging his feet against the dirty tiles of the narrow hallways, it's finally here: the bright lights, the stage, the microphone, the instrumental of his own song accompanied by his own voice. This is it, he knows it.

Only it's not.

Jinyoung hyung decides on a girl group. He calls them the Wonder Girls. He gathers all of the trainees in one of the bigger studios for a presentation of sorts. Jinyoung hyung talks about a TV show to introduce the group. He calls the girls up one by one: Sohee, Hyunah, Sunmi, Yeeun and Sunye. Kwon feels nails break skin; turning to his side, he sees Sunye sitting there for the first time. All these years they’ve been friends and Kwon has never considered her competition before, he’s overlooked her and her talent because Jaebum stood in the way. She turns to look at him, smile so big so big so bright, it hurts.

There’s a book of rules on this out there, he’s positive. He knows he’s supposed to congratulate her, to hug her and say it over and over again: congratulations, you worked so hard, you deserve it. Except all he can think is that he deserved it more. His whole body is screaming at him, his blood boiling as he watches as the girls go up to the front to be congratulated by Jinyoung hyung himself and-Kwon sees them again. As Jinyoung hyung pats each of the girls on the shoulder, offering a smile and word of congratulations, they’re there, the dollar signs in Jinyoung hyung’s eyes that appeared the first time Kwon met Jaebum.

For the first time in his life, Kwon wonders if he’s capable of making dollar signs appear. If, to Jinyoung hyung, he’s worth them.

Jaebum doesn’t walk back to the dorms with him, which Kwon is grateful for; yet, he can’t help but feel a little bitter at the way Jaebum is congratulating Sunye instead of comforting his own bruised ego. On the way back to the dorms, Kwon catches Junsu sneaking out of the building with Junyoung. For the first time ever, Kwon wants to call out to them, to stop them and ask them to let him join, but he’s not completely sure he wants to know what they get up to on nights when life has disappointed them.

Instead, Kwon walks past a sullen-looking Yoobin and he gives her a half-hearted smile as she closes the door to her dorm room. When he reaches the inside of his own room, he flops onto his bed, face first. It’s been a total of fifteen minutes since the Wonder Girls was been announced, and he still can’t find it within himself to feel anything but the bitter taste of defeat.

The door clicks open and closed; Kwon can hear Jaebum’s shoes scuffing against the tiles.

“Kwon,” he says, fingers curling around Kwon’s shoulder, “you okay?”

“Fine,” is his answer, “perfectly fine.”

Jaebum doesn’t say anything else. Kwon hears the ruffle of bed sheets, the creaking of bedsprings and then finally, silence.

After the Wonder Girls debut on Music Core, Kwon and Jaebum each lie in their own beds in silence. Sunye doesn’t live in the dorms anymore, so Jaebum doesn’t get the chance to talk to her in person, and neither does Kwon. Kwon wonders what he’ll say to her the next time they meet, because ever since she moved out, their time together has become nonexistent. More than anything, though, Kwon wants to be in her shoes - even if it were just for one day. Just one day, living the life he’d dreamed about for years, and then he’ll be satisfied with the way his life turned out. Maybe.

Kwon still thinks he deserved it more.

“Think they went straight home?”

Kwon turns to look at Jaebum for the first time in thirty minutes. He has his hands behind his head, his legs crossed; staring up at the ceiling.

“Sure. Where else would they go?” Kwon rolls over onto his stomach. “Worried?”

Jaebum shakes his head. “Should I be?”

“It’s Sunye,” Kwon answers, rolling his eyes. “She’s been in love with you since you first got here.”

“Really?” Jaebum sits up on his bed, looking at Kwon with wide eyes.

“You didn’t know?” Kwon chuckles when Jaebum shakes his head again. “Of course you didn’t.”

“Did she talk about me a lot?”

“My ears almost fell off,” Kwon groans, burying his face in a pillow as Jaebum laughs.

“Was I that cool?”

Smiling into the pillow Kwon says, “Yeah.”

Jaebum settles back into bed looking satisfied with himself. After a while, Kwon hears the bed shift. He looks up to see Jaebum staring at him.

“You okay?”

Kwon nods. “Why?”

Jaebum shrugs. “You know, with Sunye and everything.”

"Yeah," Kwon says, trying to keep his voice even. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Shrugging again, Jaebum says, "You got in together, right? I just thought - never mind."

Kwon doesn't say anything, so neither does Jaebum. He wonders if it's obvious, the way his jealousy swells up inside of him, the way his nostrils flare uncharacteristically whenever Jinyoung hyung's name is mentioned, how his heart aches at the thought that he may never get everything he wants. And then they come again: the thoughts of deserving it more than Sunye-Yeeun who'd only been with the company for 3 months.

"I deserve it, too," Kwon says softly, flinching at how selfish and harsh it sounds once said out loud. "Maybe I deserve it more."

Jaebum is silent, then: "I know."

Kwon realises then that's all he really needed to hear.

*

When Daehun shows up on his doorstep, Jay is in disbelief. His initial reaction is to slam the door in his face, and he almost does. Half-way through deliberating his actions, Jay remembers that he's not twenty-two anymore, that it's been almost six years, and that time heals all wounds. So Jay opens the door wide, still partially suspicious, but inviting nonetheless.

"Hi," Daehun says, looking at Jay and the opened door, unsure.

"Hey," Jay says, nodding his head and motioning with his hand for Daehun to come inside.

Daehun enters the small apartment, toeing off his shoes. "Sunye around?"

"She's filming right now," Jay answers tersely, wondering if he should move from the spot where Daehun has already brushed past him. There's etiquette that he's forgetting, he's sure, but it's strange watching part of the reason he went into exile for walk around his apartment, snooping. The urge to yell at him surfaces, burns at his tongue but Jay is the bigger man here, he's sure.

"You're probably wondering why I'm here," Daehun says finally, turning to face Jay with his hands stuffed into his jean pockets.

"You shouldn't be here," is what Jay says.

Daehun winces. "I know."

"Then?"

"I came to apologise," Daehun explains. He begins walking closer but Jay puts a hand out to stop him. "About the video, about everything-I'm sorry."

Listening to Daehun's apology, Jay feels his breakfast do flips in his stomach. The sincerity in Daehun's voice is loud and raucous in Jay's ears; Jay wants it to stop. But Daehun is staring at Jay with his expression set, and his body language screaming at him all kinds of things at him. But mostly, mostly, it says let's start over, do things differently.

There is nothing to start over.

Daehun is waiting for Jay to say something, but he can’t speak. He looks at Daehun and all he sees are the fuzzy lines of a black and white security camera video; the empty, narrow pathway of an all-too-familiar hall and a grey door.

His mind replays it for him: two people in a heated conversation, a taller, older-looking teenage boy tugging on the wrist of the second boy, who pulls away, tears streaking down his face; words are exchanged, there is more tugging and pulling and then finally, the older boy’s patience snaps; he pushes the younger boy against a wall, the younger boy’s face disappears from view when the older boy leans in, there’s a short struggle and then the younger boy’s body stops fighting back; his hand sneaks up to rest on the older boy’s neck. The screen fades to black, after a last shot of Jinyoung hyung’s grim face.

It’s as if Daehun is watching the play-by-play of the video along with Jay through some telepathic connection, because he looks away, neck colouring.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jay says again, because it’s all the words he has to give.

“Jaebum,” Daehun says desperately, “I really am sorry.”

“I know,” Jay replies, voice tight but he can’t say anymore. “Me too.”

“It’s been six years,” Daehun says, “can’t we put-”

“No!” Jay’s voice is loud. Daehun winces. “No,” he says again, softer this time, and then his throat closes up and everything begins to blur.

Despite it being six years later, Jay still has the scars and opened wounds. Jay knows Daehun is sorry; otherwise he wouldn’t be here in his apartment, of all places. But, there are some things that can’t be taken back. Daehun wants a reset button, and Jay isn’t willing to provide one.

“Jaebum.”

“I can’t,” Jay tells him, “I know what you want, but I really can’t.”

Daehun breathes deeply. “Okay.” He looks at Jay one more time, and then looks away. “Okay.”

Jay realises only when the door creaks that Daehun is gone.

*

The new year rushes in, cold and biting. Filming starts next week for the new TV show; Kwon is excited. This is it, he tells himself, it has to be. MNET gives them scripts, tells the group of boys to act it out amongst themselves in their spare time. Kwon notices that the producers and Jinyoung hyung pull Jaebum off to one side as the others grab excitedly at the flimsy pieces of paper. When Jaebum comes back, sliding himself easily and quietly next to an animated Doojoon, he slips his script into his back pocket.

Chansung turns to Kwon, then, towering over him with a wide grin. “You know I was in High Kick, right? I could give you some tips on acting, if you want.”

Before Kwon can respond, Daehun leans over, and whacks Chansung on the head. “No one wants your acting tips, kid.”

Tuning the rest of the conversation, out Kwon looks around at the group of boys chosen to be on the show. His eyes linger for longer on Jaebum before assessing Junsu, on the other side of the little circle they’ve made. He notices, then, that Junyoung isn’t there. Looking up, his eyes focus in on someone lingering at the door. Junyoung holds his gaze for a second, nods once, and then turns sharply on his heel.

It’s the last time Kwon sees him.

“What’d they want?” he asks later, when they’re both in bed the thin sheets pulled up to their chins. “The producers and Jinyoung hyung.”

Kwon’s question is met with silence. There is no answer, which makes Kwon wonder, because he knows that Jaebum isn’t sleeping yet. Kwon doesn’t say anything else-there’s no need to repeat himself.

“I’m only going to be in the last half of filming the episode,” Jaebum says finally, his voice turning into a whisper towards the end. “I’m coming later.”

“I don’t get it.” Kwon shifts in bed to, turns onto his side to look at Jaebum. “What do you mean you’re coming later?”

“Like,” Jaebum sighs, running a hand through his hair, “you guys are going to the houses first and then I’m coming by myself.”

“Oh. Do you have an appointment or something beforehand?”

“No. I’m just coming late.”

He’s about to tell Jaebum to explain himself better but then it hits him, slow and hard - boom. The producers want to hype up Jaebum because he’s American. They want to shove Jaebum in everyone’s faces, decorate him in sparkling lights and tacky signs. Despite the dark, Kwon can make out Jaebum’s figure on the bed. This time he sees the dollar signs.

The curl in his stomach is prominent as he tries to fall asleep. He’d always known that Jaebum was competition, but Kwon had never factored in losing, though he probably should have. His stomach would’ve calmed down faster, he’s sure.

It’s weird, seeing Yoobin sit with the rest of them in the lunch room. She attaches herself to Seulong quickly, trying to find out what she can about their new TV show.

“Don’t you miss us?” Taekyeon asks as he slides into the chair next to her, grinning.

“Them, yeah,” she says, then turns to look at him. “You? Not so much.”

Kwon laughs with everyone else, enjoying Taekyeon’s stunned, hurt expression. “Where’s Sunye?”

“She went to look for Jaebum,” Yoobin replies, looking down to fiddle with the ring on her finger. “She has to tell him something.”

“Is she -?” Kwon can’t finish the sentence, he already knows from the way Yoobin smiles at them awkwardly. All he can think is fuck, fuck because he remembers how excited Jaebum had been yesterday.

Yoobin shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“So that thing with Park Taehwan is true then,” Taekyeon says, leaning back into his chair.

“No,” Yoobin answers sharply, with a shake of her head. “No, it’s not.”

Kwon knows better. He sees it in the way Yoobin’s chin is set and in the way her eyes harden. Kwon slides his chair back, about to get up to find Jaebum, then stops when he feels someone grab onto his wrist. Turning, he sees Seulong, who shakes his head.

“Sit,” Seulong tells him. “You can’t do anything right now, just wait.”

He wants to tell Seulong to let go, because yes, yes, there is so much that he can do right now, but he sits back down anyway.

Yoobin stares at Kwon as she wets her lips, looking slightly nervous as she says, “It’s possible. Oppa doesn’t have a cell phone?”

Kwon shakes his head. Jaebum can’t afford one.

Taekyeon blows air out of his mouth like a blowfish, nudging Yoobin as he gestures at the door of the lunch room with his head. Jaebum enters, eyes on the floor with his signature baseball cap pulled down low. Sunye’s behind him, Kwon barely recognises her at first until he focuses in on her eyes, the rest of her face filling out for him a couple of seconds later.

“What are you going to do?” Taekyeon looks at him, eyebrows raised, and looking (for once) genuinely concerned.

“Huh?”

“They’re both your best friends,” Taekyeon says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world - which it is, but it’s not exactly registering in Kwon’s head at the moment. “Who are you going to pick?”

“Taekyeon!” Yoobin shoves at his arm, frowning.

Taekyeon shrugs, giving Kwon another look.

Kwon is panicking, his insides are burning and everything begins to move in slow motion. The answer should be obvious, really. Who is he going to pick-to comfort? Should he go to Sunye, because she was his first friend at JYPE; because they’ve been together for years; because she doesn’t have to say anything and Kwon will already know? Or should he go to Jaebum? Jaebum, who’s always been in the way of everything that Kwon wanted; who, having been in Korea for four years is still clueless about everything? Jaebum. Jaebum, who prepared for the whole day yesterday to surprise his girlfriend, whom he hasn’t seen in almost five months because of her hectic schedule; who panicked just before going to sleep last night because he forgot flowers, of all things, and got up extra early to rush to the market?

As he slides his chair back for the second time, he feels eyes boring into him. Kwon knows that Sunye is looking at him, pleading with those eyes of hers that could break him at any moment; those eyes that know so much of him, and yet so little at the same time. His choice here is obvious-it feels natural, like the way the sun sets over the Han River. Kwon walks briskly over to Jaebum, who has just bought chocolate milk, and is shoving the straw into the opened carton.

His fingers touch Jaebum’s wrist lightly for a brief second to get his attention. Jaebum looks up, eyes red. Kwon forgets to breathe because his chest constricts, his heart skipping a beat.

“Hey,” he says finally, “let’s go to the park, yeah?”

Jaebum nods, ducking his head as he leads Kwon out through the doorway. Kwon doesn’t look back. He’s scared that if he does, even for just one second, the look on Sunye’s face will undo him. So Kwon keeps walking. He never wanted to wind up in the middle. It just happened.

(It really did).

*

It’s never been easy between them. There’s always been something-or, in their case, usually, someone-that drives a wedge into whatever they’ve worked hard on. Right now there is a brick wall, and the cement has dried before there was time to put the next layer of bricks in place and everything, everything has come apart.

Jay is at a loss, really. This is the last thing that he could’ve wanted for them-for her. All that she’s worked for, sacrificed everything for, has burnt and nothing is salvageable. So, he stands awkwardly in their his her apartment, looking at her with her head in her hands, elbows resting on her knees, slouched forward on the brown couch. It’s past the point where words of comfort and sympathy can be offered. He really is sorry; yet, he feels as though if he says, it one more time that’ll be it, everything really will be over.

He remembers everything as if it were yesterday.

Sunye arriving in Seattle with that look in her eyes, leaning over to him in the car as he drives them to her apartment that he (okay, Yoon) picked out, arms wrapping around his neck, saying, “This is a new start.” Jay hears the for me on the end, but pretends he doesn’t.

She begins filming her new TV show alongside actors who have only had minor roles thus far, but the directors have high hopes. They’re not the only ones.

They don’t meet often because she’s always on the set, and he’s always recording or competing or filming for a show. Still, it works. It works out so well that Jay is in disbelief the first couple of months.

“You’re just used to the long distance shit,” Hiep points out one night as they exit the dance studio, shifting the strap of his bag onto his shoulder.

“No,” Jay insists, “this is different, man. It’s just - I don’t know how to explain it. I just know.”

“Yeah?” Hiep looks at him, still unconvinced. “Different ‘cause she’s in the same city as you and not in another country?”

“Guess so.” Jay shrugs, as he gets into Hiep’s car. “It’s nice.”

Hiep grins at him as he starts the car. “Tell me you’re getting laid! There had better be a reason for that stupid smile on your face, and not just ‘cause I look fly behind the wheel.”

“If you look fly behind the wheel why does Jose have to constantly update the Facebook page with Hiep is single?”

“I just need a Friday girl,” Hiep answers, backing out of the parking lot. “I’m too hot to go off the market, baby.”

Jay rolls his eyes, but smiles at his friend all the same.

“You sure you’re okay with everything?” Hiep asks later, stopping at a red light. “She’s not going to go and cheat on you again?”

Jay’s expression hardens. “She never cheated,” he tells Hiep, looking out the window.

“That’s not what Chase-”

“Chase doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Jay interrupts, turning his head to look at Hiep. “She never cheated.”

“You believe that?”

Jay pauses, thinking back to that day in the stairwell. He’d forgotten the flowers in the dorm, and he’d wanted to go back to get them, but she’d pulled at his wrist, started talking, and then. He’d brought up Park Taehwan, the name coming out of his mouth like water through a dam-he was rash, she was hurt. He hurt more.

“Yeah,” he answers in the end, eyes drifting to the streetlights and the few pedestrians on the sidewalk as they drive past them. “Yeah.”

When they do see each other, it’s always on odd nights that they manage to squeeze into their schedules. It’s not as bad as Korea, it’s better than it could’ve been. There are still pictures of them crop up from time to time but the response is positive, which is more than Jay could ever have asked for.

Sunye is tired, but she’s happier than Jay can remember her having been in a long time and that’s all that matters.

“How’s filming?” he’ll ask, not because he needs to, but because he genuinely likes her anecdotes about the cast. And she talks and talks forever about them, and Jay laughs because her eyes crinkle on the sides just the way he likes it, so he leans over, brushing his lips lightly over that area, and she’ll stop talking for a second, flustered if the red colouring that creeps up the length of her neck is anything to go by.

“How’s recording?” she’ll ask, and Jay will grin because there’s always a story with Hiep, and because there’s something funny going on with Yoon that he can’t quite put his finger on yet. Reaching out to grab his hand in hers, she rubs her thumb lightly over a knuckle and looks up at him. Jay bends his head down just so, kissing her, hand running up her arm and cupping her face.

It’s perfect.

It’s all about to end. Jay is nervous because he doesn’t do well with emotional breakdowns - hell; he doesn’t do well with emotions, period. Yet there she sits on the couch, tears running down her face, and Jay can’t fucking do anything because he’s scared that everything is already ending. He panics; he’s worked too hard for this, he thinks, too hard for this, for it to fall apart right in front of him. What does he do? He needs to move-to act fast, act right now because at this rate -

“Was it too soon?” Sunye asks, suddenly, tilting her head to look at Jay. “Was it too soon to leave and just come here?”

Damn it. Did she really have to ask a question? He doesn’t do questions well, he doesn’t do this well. Jay wets his lips, nervous. “I’m not sure.”

“I was,” Sunye whispers, leans back into the couch, wiping at her eyes.

Jay moves forward then, takes his first step towards the couch so he can sit, slide in next to her, put his arms around her and wait for everything to fall into place.

“I was so sure,” she continues.

Jay sits on the couch.

“I planned everything for months,” she chokes on her words a little, stumbling.

Jay slides in next to her.

“I even got Minjae oppa to come from Korea to help me out,” she mumbles, rubbing at her eyes with the heels of her palms.

Jay puts his arms around her, pulling her close.

“I prayed for everything to work out - I wanted it to work out so badly.”

Jay waits.

“I didn’t come here for you,” she mumbles against his shirt, pressing her nose into his shoulder, clutching at his arm. “I came because I wanted to do something for me.”

“I know,” he replies, because he does.

“I don’t want to stay-” Jay holds his breath, because this is what he’s been waiting for, this is it - “because of you.”

Everything is gone.

“I don’t want to leave,” she says, “but I don’t want you to be the reason why I’m here.”

“Is it that bad?” Jay asks, because he needs to be sure.

“I don’t know.” Sunye shakes her head. “I want to be here for me.”

Jay lets his grip around her slacken. He’d expected it, he really had. Sure, he hadn’t had time to prepare himself for the oncoming heartbreak. He’d seen it coming, though. It still hurts-cuts at it him deep, hurts more than it did eight years ago. And that one had come as a surprise.

“I really wanted it to work out.”

Jay can’t say anything; he feels as though if he does he might lose his control. It’s all he has left.

“I - you’ll stay tonight?”

The right thing to do in this situation is to say no, to uncurl himself from around her and to walk out the door. His heart can’t take another second in her presence. But then, why is he nodding? Jay pulls her closer, his fingers digging into her skin and she doesn’t even wince at the pressure. He kisses her, moving forward as she lies down on the couch. His mind is sending him warning signals but he’s not listening.

This could be the last time.

He’ll show her that she can stay for him. It sounds selfish, so fucking selfish, but Jay can’t live without her anymore. Imagining life without her is impossible now; he’s used to breathing the same air as Sunye; he’s used to not having to use a calling card; used to waking up in the same bed; used to the taste of kimchi she brings over to his house when she can.

Jay can’t go back. He won’t.

“We’ll work it out,” he whispers, kissing her forehead, “we’ll work it out.”

Sunye jerks her head slightly, opening her eyes to look at him, closes them again after. “Yeah,” is what she says, her hand coming up to rest on the nape of his neck. “We will.”

*

The script tells them to act surprised. They’re all gathered around Jaebum like he’s the most popular boy in the playground. He stands there awkwardly with the producer’s arm slung around his shoulder.

“It’s just a joke, bye!” Jaebum’s cheeks flush, and he hurries to the door that he came in through, turning back to look at them when the group of boys protests loudly.

Kwon doesn’t know if that part is in the script, but the producer is grinning jovially alongside the others when Jaebum walks back to them. Settling against the wall once more, Kwon waits for the music to start, and for Jaebum’s solo talent show to begin. They’re moves he’s seen before in the dance studio, but he still can’t help feeling slightly breathless. Jaebum’s breaking has gone better, and the unexpected little twist he does with his body makes Kwon squirm uncomfortably. At the end, everyone claps, and that’s that.

The producer calls Jaebum off to the side again for another talk, while Kwon makes his way to the kitchen behind Daehun. He notices that when Jaebum tries to help out with the cooking, the producer tells him to stay with the others. Not knowing what to make of it, Kwon continues to help with the dinner preparations. Jaebum comes over then to help him, then.

“What’d you do while we were filming?”

“Nothing,” Jaebum answers, shrugging his shoulders. “Hung out with Junyoung a bit, he came by when you guys left.”

Junsu joins them with platefuls of lettuce and samgyupsal, placing them on the wooden table unceremoniously. “You hung out with Junyoung? How is he? Okay?”

“He’s as good as he can be,” is Jaebum’s reply, and Junsu frowns.

“Man, I haven’t seen him in so long.”

“He says you don’t call anymore, ever since-” Jaebum pauses, looks around the house and then his eyes gaze stops on Junsu - “well, you know.”

Junsu’s cheeks flare, he mumbles something and leaves for the kitchen.

“Junyoung left, you know that, right?” Kwon asks.

Jaebum nods. “That’s what Junyoung said.”

Kwon doesn’t say anything, leaving instead to get more bowls of rice, and the rest of the side dishes. When he gets to the kitchen, Junsu is off to the side by himself, brows furrowed. Junsu and Junyoung were basically attached at the hip back in the day. Kwon knows that Junsu is struggling with the loss of the constant presence of his best friend, but it’s not his place to say anything, so he doesn’t. On his way back out, Kwon hands Junsu a rice bowl.

“You won’t have one when we get out there,” he tells him.

“Thanks.”

This isn’t in the scripts. Kwon memorised the script so well that he would’ve noticed this. In the script, it says they’ll enjoy themselves, that they’ll have fun bonding together as a team, because this is their chance to debut. Nowhere in print does it say that they’re going to be awaken at the crack of dawn by military guys. This is their training, and Kwon doesn’t like it one bit.

After days of waking up early with his body sore, limbs feeling like they’re about to fall off at any given moment, Kwon is fed up. It’s easy to see everyone else’s mood is just as sour, because they’re snapping at each other whenever their patience is tested. Above everything else, though, Kwon knows that they’re tired and just want to go home.

Home is shoved right out of his mind, though, when their trainers gather them in the living room. The mood shifts quickly. They’re alert, wary of the way the trainers are looking at them. The trainers don’t do anything to soothe them; instead they’re presented with a quick punch to the gut. They begin to list everyone’s failures-Kwon’s failure. Being pinpointed as a weak link is not the happiest feeling in the world. His face burns as he does the walk of shame up to the front of the room with Swichi and Daehun.

“Your comrades here will now face elimination.”

Kwon is stunned. Elimination? Elimination? For being physically weak in a boxing match, he’s being eliminated? The tears come as he looks at Swichi, and he quickly dabs at his face with his sweater. Seulong is talking, but Kwon can’t make out the words - just the shocked look on everyone’s faces and the tears. More than anything, though, Kwon can’t bear to look at Jaebum. He looks at the ceiling, hoping that the tears will cease to fall.

“They should stay,” someone is saying, Kwon turns to look and it’s Chansung. Chansung has tears in his eyes but his jaw is set, determined. “Let the netizens decide on polls on who should stay and who should go,” Chansung continues, and everyone is nodding their heads, “we came here as a group, we came this far together, we should stay together.”

Kwon is looking at Chansung in awe, barely processes what everyone’s agreeing to. Within seconds, they’re granted permission to stay together, on the condition that they work harder-but as a team.

“Remember your friendship,” one of the trainers says as Kwon walks past him, “it’s what is keeping you all here.”

Kwon doesn’t get the chance to say anything because Taekyeon grabs him, pulls him into his arms and he breaks down again. Taekyeon is saying things, but all Kwon can do is repeat, thank you, thank you, thank you. Jaebum comes up behind him, patting him on the shoulder. His touch is fleeting and Kwon can’t acknowledge it - he’s too wrapped up in Taekyeon, too embarrassed to even turn around to say thank you.

He barely gets the chance to breathe for even a second when Taekyeon lets him go, because the next second, Chansung hugs him from behind. Chansung’s tears fall into Kwon’s hair, fingers digging deep into his grey sweater.

“Thank you, Chansung,” Kwon says through his sobs, “thank you so much, thank you, thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?” Chansung’s grip tightens more. “You don’t have to.”

Kwon can’t say anything more now because he’s surrounded by the entire group. He may have thought of them as some form of competition at one point, may have even thought of himself as being better than them, but now all he can feel is overwhelming gratitude. He’s indebted to them, and this is probably one more aspect of friendship he never factored into his life as trainee; this overwhelming sense of being in a family, a brotherhood has humbled him, has made him treasure these people here with him more than ever.

This is probably why Jinyoung hyung sent them on this MT, to help them realise that they never really left home; solidifying their bond as a brotherhood and giving them a sense of security. Kwon realises that when they’re out in the real world - the entertainment world - they won’t have anything, only the members they debut with. Kwon becomes greedy all of a sudden. If he debuts, he wants to debut with the people in this room.

He won’t have anyone else.

*

California is hot, warmer than what he’s used to. Today, though, is even worse than what he’s already experienced during his short stay. He’s with Yoon, which is weird, because Yoon never travels with him; it’s always a variation of Chase, Hiep, Junior, or Jose that go with him to film sets or photo shoots. This time it’s Yoon, maybe it isn’t that weird, but is altogether unpleasant. Yoon is jobless, so he mopes around in the hotel room, half-heartedly rehearsing lines with Jay for the next film.

It’s almost midnight when he hears the knock at the door. Yoon is sitting on the bed with a beer bottle between his legs. He wonders who’s at the door, because as far as he knows, he hasn’t given out their room number to anyone.

“I said nothing,” Yoon says, before Jay can even ask.

“Not even to Junior?”

Yoon sips his beer. “I don’t remember.”

Rolling his eyes, Jay opens the door to find Kwon standing there with his nose and eyes red.

“Kwon,” Jay says, surprised. “Why are you - how did you - what?”

“I talked to Sunye.”

Jay doesn’t know what to say, so he opens the door wider for Kwon to step through. Yoon stands up awkwardly, looking at the two of them, and then setting his beer on the floor.

“I’ll go see if I could - ah - Seulong’s here with you, right?” Yoon looks around the room for his jacket.

Kwon nods his head.

“I’ll go find him.” Yoon slips out of the door, past Kwon.

When the door shuts close, Jay knows he has to do something but he’s not sure what. Kwon approaches him, with his lips pursed.

“Jaebum,” Kwon mumbles, fisting Jay’s shirt in his hands. Jay keeps quiet, snakes his arms around Kwon, putting their heads together.

“I’m sorry.”

*

It’s late at night; they’re arguing in hushed, heated voices. Kwon is furious, his face flushed, and the tips of his ears are burning. Daehun is pushing at him, shoving words at Kwon that causes his blood pressure to rise, his heart to speed up just that much more quickly because if anyone-anyone is listening to their conversation, he’ll never be able to live it down.

“You know I’m right,” Daehun is saying, eyes gleaming in a way that makes Kwon’s knees knock together.

“I don’t care,” Kwon hisses, trying to pull out of Daehun’s grip. “Just let go of me - it’s almost curfew.”

Daehun tugs on his wrist again, harder this time and with a little too much force, because Kwon yelps. “Give in,” he says, as Kwon shakes his head. Daehun takes a step forward and Kwon steps back, the back of his heel hitting the wall. “I’m the only one that wants you,” Daehun whispers, leaning in.

Kwon’s eyes shut close, feeling the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. It’s likely that what Daehun is telling him is true; Kwon doesn’t doubt that. He’s never had that much luck with girls in the past. This thing that Daehun wants is wrong, though. Kwon knows that.

“I’m not gay,” Kwon mutters in response, staring straight ahead past Daehun’s shoulder. “I’m not gay.”

Daehun chuckles, low in his throat, shaking his head slightly. “Is Jaebum?”

His insides freeze at the name - just - how - what -

“Hyung.” Kwon pushes at Daehun. “Get off of me.”

“I know, Kwonnie,” Daehun murmurs, moving closer. Kwon gulps nervously; there’s no breathing space left.

“Hyung.”

“I said I know,” Daehun repeats, letting go of Kwon’s wrist, resting his hands on Kwon’s shoulders. “I’m not Jaebum but-” He leans in, their noses touching briefly, and then-Kwon finds that he is surprised, even though he knew it was coming. The slight bump of movement of Daehun’s lips against his own, soft at first, testing the waters. Then again, forceful, this time, and confident.

Kwon feels like he should protest because his mind is screaming that this is wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. Not because Daehun is a guy, no; because it’s Daehun and his heart is telling him that this is wrong, that it’s a mistake, because-because there’s someone else. Kwon’s hand goes up to the nape of Daehun’s neck. His intention is to tug at Daehun’s hair, to pull him back and then make a run for it, but then Daehun runs his tongue over Kwon’s bottom lip, and the sensation goes straight down south. Kwon ends up leaning in forward, pulling him closer closer closer.

He wonders vaguely if this is how Jaebum feels when he kisses Sunye. His body is responding to Daehun in excitement, but his heart is breaking at the same time. Maybe Daehun is the only one that wants Kwon. And is that so bad?

Something falls to the floor.

Kwon pulls away from Daehun too late.

The secret’s out.

*

They come unannounced-Jay doesn’t even remember having told them where he’s staying. The knocks on the door are hurried, fast and loud. Hiep is yelling at the perpetrators, swearing loudly as he opens the door.

“Uhhh, Jay? Jay! I think you have visitors.”

“Hi, sorry,” a voice says, and Jay knows this voice so well and - his feet move of their own accord.

When he sees them standing there at the doorway, eyes hopeful and bright like always-before, Jay can’t find the right words. He has words - made up conversations of their first (if there was to be one) meeting, but those words leave him high and dry.

“Jaebum,” Taekyeon says, clearing his throat as his voice comes out cracked. “Jaebum.”

And then the next thing he knows is that he’s being smothered. He makes out Taekyeon’s figure first, and then Nichkhun’s, because his English makes it half-way to Jay’s ears before being cut off by Seulong’s rapid Korean. Jay wants to say something to them, wants to tell them things-and now he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s surprised when he breaks away from them with his face wet.

“What are you doing here?” Jay asks - and then he remembers Hiep.

Turning, he sees Hiep standing off to the side with a slight smile on his face. Down the hall, Junior and Chase and Jose are standing there, with similar expressions of happy disbelief. Jay feels like he’s caught in two worlds.

“We’re going to go clubbing,” Chase says after a moment in which everyone stares at each other.

“We are?” Hiep asks, looking back at Jay and then at Chase again. “I thought we were staying home to run lines.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Jose pipes up, walking to the door, “we’re going clubbing.”

“Why didn’t anyone-”

“Hiep, can you shut the fuck up for one sec?” Chase sidesteps Jay, patting him on the shoulder. “We’ll be gone for awhile, ‘K?”

“Guys, you really don’t-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Junior says, grinning over at Nichkhun who smiles in response. “You need this one.”

“How’s filming?” Taekyeon asks, slouching on the couch.

“Good,” Jay answers, “tiring but, I like it.”

Taekyeon nods; the room goes silent. It’s awkward-of course it is, Jay thinks. They haven’t talked since March, and their last conversation had been over the phone, the line filled with static, everything they said cut up and choppy-lost in translation. Back then, Jay had thought that their relationship wouldn’t be salvageable, but now, seeing Taekyeon, Seulong, and Nichkhun in this room, all of them breathing the same air, Jay hopes that they can change things.

“Kwon misses you,” Seulong says suddenly. “You should call him.”

Jay frowns. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“He still cries,” Seulong tells him, running a hand over his face. “He thinks we don’t know - but it’s obvious.”

“Hyung-”

“Call Wooyoung, too,” Nichkhun interjects, “I think he’s willing to talk now.”

“I can’t-”

“Jaebum,” Taekyeon’s voice is hard, and he’s blinking fast as he talks, “we did stupid shit, really stupid shit, and you can’t fucking blame us-okay, maybe you can, because it was just fucking stupid. We want to-can’t you-”

“The video,” Nichkhun interrupts, clasping his hands together. “Was that-”

“No!” Jay hisses, clenching his fists. “Did you really think it was?”

“We saw it.” Seulong looks at him, catching his eye for a second before looking away, at Taekyeon. “It was by accident.”

“Accident?”

“We walked in on Jinyoung hyung,” Taekyeon clarifies. “He was showing Kwon when we walked into the room.”

“You saw it.”

They nod their heads.

“Wait,” Jay says, trying to grasp what they’re telling him, “Jinyoung hyung was showing Kwon?”

“Kwon’s never seen it before?” Nichkhun asks.

Jay shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen. He remembers the deal, the arrangement being discussed in his small room with just Jinyoung hyung. Parts of the arrangement had been that Kwon would never finding out about the video.

“Jaebum?”

“He wasn’t supposed to know about it,” Jay says softly. “We agreed that Kwon was never supposed to know about-”

“You gave up everything for Kwon?” Taekyeon yells, getting to his feet. “Why would you - I can’t believe - Jaebum!”

“You don’t understand.” This scene is reminiscent of one from last year, except it’s Taekyeon yelling at him this time, eyes judging; it’s not Junsu and Junho ganging up on him, Wooyoung’s snide comments cutting in from the side, and Chansung gaping at everyone. “You don’t understand the deal.”

“You made a deal with Jinyoung hyung?” Seulong asks, even though the answer is obvious. “Jaebum, you shouldn’t have.”

“I didn’t have a choice!” Jay exclaims. “I had no choice.”

The room goes silent again. Seulong is looking at him, shoulders hunched over, lips pursed. Taekyeon is seething quietly, biting on his lip.

“You gave up everything for Kwon,” Nichkhun repeats.

“Not just for Kwon.”

“You could’ve saved yourself,” Taekyeon says.

“And Kwon?” Jay looks at him, tilting his head to the side. Taekyeon looks away. “I thought so.”

“Did you really - ?”

Jay chooses not to answer.

“Seulong told me,” Kwon says when Jay opens the door.

Jay doesn’t say anything; the house is empty so he invites Kwon in with a wave of his hand. The door closes with a click and Jay kisses Kwon. He knows that Kwon wants to talk, wants to fill the gap between them with emotions that Jay can’t quite understand, so, he kisses him.

This is the only thing that Jay can understand.

He hopes it’s the same for Kwon.

*

There is a time-frame set for their debut-mid-summer. Kwon is ecstatic.

Daehun quits on a day when it’s too humid to breathe. Kwon is furious because the day is set and they’ve practiced so hard that they’ve sweat blood. There is no reason to quit not when they’ve come this far.

“How can you do this?” Kwon pushes at him with all the strength that he’s got, satisfied when Daehun stumbles backward. “We’ve practised so fucking hard for this and now you’re fucking leaving?”

“You don’t understand,” is Daehun’s terse response.

“Don’t understand what?” Kwon shoves at him again, half expecting him to move but he doesn’t.

“You just don’t!”

“Then tell-”

Daehun grabs at him, pulls at him forward and kisses him. He shoves his tongue into Kwon’s mouth forcefully, causing Kwon to jerk in surprise. The kiss is sloppy, too much tongue and hands grabbing everywhere. Kwon pulls away first.

“What are you - we stopped this the first time - hyung, wh-”

“Do you understand now?”

Kwon doesn’t.

Daehun kisses him again, gentle this time. He kisses him in a way that makes Kwon want more, want for this to not end because it feels right.

“Now?” Daehun whispers.

Kwon still doesn’t understand, and Daehun doesn’t clarify. He just walks out.

Jinyoung hyung adds Changmin to the group to take Daehun’s place. Changmin is better; his voice is smooth and beautiful and everything that Daehun’s wasn’t. Kwon still thinks that it should’ve been Daehun, but it’s not his decision.

It never was.

*

When he arrives in Korea it’s like nothing’s changed - but everything has. The Again and Again posters have been replaced by those of another artist deserving their own taste of glory. He passes a 2PM poster on his way to the hotel and the twist in his chest is expected, but it hurts all the same. He doesn’t call them when they get back from touring and his phone doesn’t ring, either.

At the end of June, he ends up at the old park near his high school. He’s sitting on the swings, the chains squeaking as he moves back and forth. It’s quiet, save for the crickets and for her breathing.

Jay doesn’t know what to say in this situation. He knows that she’s hurting, which is why his hand reaches out for hers - smooth, warm, like before. He’s never lost someone-not like this, but Jay knows what it is like to lose people nonetheless. There’s the all too familiar feeling of emptiness, the unadulterated longing to seeing the faces of the lost, of the estranged. Jay knows all too well.

Sunye’s grip tightens.

Jay holds on.

*

Their first kiss is on a TV show. It’s a joke, really, because they’re basically moving wax paper with their mouths, but to Kwon, it’s still a kiss. It makes him dizzy because it’s all he’s ever wanted for so long. Jaebum starts to act weird around him after that-if Kwon sits next to him, he gets jittery and gets up, leaves.

It’s why Kwon is upset, now, eyebrows furrowed and arms crossed as he talks to Jaebum.

“Stop acting like a baby!” Kwon exclaims. “It didn’t mean anything - there was fucking wax paper!”

The tips of Jaebum’s ears turn red. “It was still weird.”

“You’re the one making it weird!” Kwon rubs at his eyes with the tips of his fingers. It hurts, how Jaebum can write off the kiss as weird. He pretends that it doesn’t.

“You don’t understand,” Jaebum replies.

“Understand what?”

“You just don’t.”

This conversation is familiar, Kwon thinks, as he stares at Jaebum. It’s different, though, because Kwon steps forward, face flaming. Kwon is bold, putting both hands on either side of Jaebum’s face, and Jaebum stares back, transfixed. Kwon tilts his head, leaning in to kiss Jaebum full on the mouth.

When he takes a step back, he’s already made up his mind to run out of the studio, but Jaebum moves quickly, his face in front of Kwon’s so fast it takes him by surprise. Kwon can feel Jaebum’s hot breath on his lips, as they stand there so close so close. Jaebum runs his thumb along Kwon’s chin, tilting it slightly, closing the small space between them. He kisses Kwon, soft and sickeningly sweet.

If Kwon wasn’t in love before, he sure is now.

*

The call comes late in the evening, and he doesn’t even need to answer it to know what’s going to happen.

Jaebum-ah-it’s Jinyoung hyung-I’m sorry that it’s come to this -

It’s over.

*

People like to talk, especially when someone is as big a star as Jaebum. While he’s gone, people talk a lot. They talk so much about Jaebum that it’s hard to discern between gossip and truth; there is talk of Jaebum quitting, of Jaebum leaving the company, and it’s so ridiculous that the more Kwon thinks about it, the more he believes it could be real.

Wooyoung laughs in his face when he brings it up one morning. “Jaebum hyung doesn’t know how to quit.”

He’s right, Kwon thinks.

He’s right.

The August wind makes Kwon uneasy.

*

They give him a seat away from the other passengers. He leans his head on the window, pulls his beanie down low over his eyes and lets the tears falls. His sobs are uncontrollable, his head dropping between his knees, shoulders shaking. He’s left a mess behind; he tried to patch it up as best he could, except he couldn’t, because he’s on this plane.

There are a lot of things he wants to say, but whatever it is they are, they’re overruled by his overwhelming sense of guilt. It pools in his stomach, and no matter what he does, it never leaves.

Jay convinces himself that leaving is the best possible answer, that if he stays, he’ll only drag the other members down with him, which is the last thing he wants for them. Leaving will be better for all of them.

Or so he hopes.

*

A week later, he leaves. Kwon doesn’t get the chance to say anything special, just-please stay.

fin

premier partie