(no subject)
Devon shipped out to Marine Bootcamp on 8/23. I've made several private posts that only he and I can see but this is for the public record of it. Before he left, Devo made up an LJ so that he can keep tabs on what I post in here for him. He isn't here, he can't read them right now, but someday he will be able to if he wants.
I was talking to people randomly, having a difficult time with getting the right perspective in Devon's being gone, which didn't help at the time because nothing was helping. I'm doing better now, but honestly I didn't know how to act so I was falling back on being a mess. A beautiful mess, but a mess none-the-less. Oddly enough the only thing that has helped was to see his mom. It's like, everyone keeps telling me to stop crying, stop moping, stop acting like its the end of the world, but then I went to bible study last night, and his mom and Nancy gave me permission to cry and be as sad as I wanted to be, and something just clicked. I'm OK now. I have no idea why that worked, but it did. Another contributing factor was that Kacey and Tom came over to hang out yesterday and seeing them also did me good. Tom has 3 sisters (no brothers) so he knows moody, emotional women well enough to know he needed to just be quiet and let me rant and cry and be all messy and that I'd feel better for it. He was right, but now in the context of less than 2-weeks, I've allowed 3 people who are complete outsiders to my family to see me crying, completely losing control of my emotions. It isnt "bad" per say... just... different. I've always kept everything under wraps, but I just can't seem to do that this time. I was told by Nancy the day he left that I needed to let go, needed to trust in the Lord's omnipitent plans... but I just couldn't let go; I couldn't see how this could be a good thing, our being physically separated for an unknown amount of time and being emotionally separated for the duration of bootcamp...
My great-grandma always told me that I wear my heart on my sleave, at the time I resented that, but she is right. I do wear my emotions on my sleave for everyone to see if they look hard enough. Kacey and Tom are two of my closest friends right now, which is good considering that Tom is Devo's best friend, and Kacey is his sister, and that Kacey and Tom are going together... :-) So see it just makes a nice big happy group of peoples who loves each others.
With seeing Connie and Nancy last night, talking to them and praying... (putting the Holy Spirit through his paces for sure since my agony was more than I could bear and couldn't even begin to formulate actual sentences to communicate with our Lord...) I have realized that I need to let go. I cannot control my world as much as I would like to think I can, and no matter how much I fuss and cry and complain and whine, ultimately it is no more in my control than to control the seasons or the tides. Everything is in His hands, and I am just a tiny grain of sand in the beaches of life.
Thank you Lord for:
* allowing me to have found a group of such good people...
* giving me a man who loves me the way I am without needing to change for him...
* giving me a family who loves me completely unconditionally... I am so blessed...
* giving me a sense of peace in this time of turmoil. Allowing me to realize that it will all be OK even if I cannot see how it will all work out.
I was talking to people randomly, having a difficult time with getting the right perspective in Devon's being gone, which didn't help at the time because nothing was helping. I'm doing better now, but honestly I didn't know how to act so I was falling back on being a mess. A beautiful mess, but a mess none-the-less. Oddly enough the only thing that has helped was to see his mom. It's like, everyone keeps telling me to stop crying, stop moping, stop acting like its the end of the world, but then I went to bible study last night, and his mom and Nancy gave me permission to cry and be as sad as I wanted to be, and something just clicked. I'm OK now. I have no idea why that worked, but it did. Another contributing factor was that Kacey and Tom came over to hang out yesterday and seeing them also did me good. Tom has 3 sisters (no brothers) so he knows moody, emotional women well enough to know he needed to just be quiet and let me rant and cry and be all messy and that I'd feel better for it. He was right, but now in the context of less than 2-weeks, I've allowed 3 people who are complete outsiders to my family to see me crying, completely losing control of my emotions. It isnt "bad" per say... just... different. I've always kept everything under wraps, but I just can't seem to do that this time. I was told by Nancy the day he left that I needed to let go, needed to trust in the Lord's omnipitent plans... but I just couldn't let go; I couldn't see how this could be a good thing, our being physically separated for an unknown amount of time and being emotionally separated for the duration of bootcamp...
My great-grandma always told me that I wear my heart on my sleave, at the time I resented that, but she is right. I do wear my emotions on my sleave for everyone to see if they look hard enough. Kacey and Tom are two of my closest friends right now, which is good considering that Tom is Devo's best friend, and Kacey is his sister, and that Kacey and Tom are going together... :-) So see it just makes a nice big happy group of peoples who loves each others.
With seeing Connie and Nancy last night, talking to them and praying... (putting the Holy Spirit through his paces for sure since my agony was more than I could bear and couldn't even begin to formulate actual sentences to communicate with our Lord...) I have realized that I need to let go. I cannot control my world as much as I would like to think I can, and no matter how much I fuss and cry and complain and whine, ultimately it is no more in my control than to control the seasons or the tides. Everything is in His hands, and I am just a tiny grain of sand in the beaches of life.
Thank you Lord for:
* allowing me to have found a group of such good people...
* giving me a man who loves me the way I am without needing to change for him...
* giving me a family who loves me completely unconditionally... I am so blessed...
* giving me a sense of peace in this time of turmoil. Allowing me to realize that it will all be OK even if I cannot see how it will all work out.