Silly November Challenge Response: "On a Mission from God"
Here is my rather cracked-out response to the question of How Snape Survived. I hope to have time to do a more serious response as well, but starlightforest inspired me to write this for the Crossover Snape challenge on snape100, and it occurred to me that since it fit this challenge as well, I might as well share it with all of you. It's a crossover with Dogma, which turned out to be strangely appropriate!
Title: On a Mission from God
Author: bluestocking79
Word Count: 300 (3 100-word drabbles)
Rating: PG
Characters: Severus Snape, The Metatron
Notes: Crossover with Dogma, inspired by starlightforest’s request.
Warnings: Silliness, religious irreverence.
After a lifetime filled with pain, Severus appreciated death’s comforting embrace.
He was therefore extremely annoyed to be awoken by the droning of a familiar baritone: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty…
Severus opened his eyes to the sensation of looking in a mirror: the intruder might have been his twin, save for the clothes and shorter hair.
Well. That, and the bloody great wings.
Severus raised his wand. “Leave, or I’ll--”
“You’ll what? Hex me with that fish?’
Severus’ wand was now a mackerel.
The angel smirked. “The Almighty’s got plans for you, and they don’t involve dying.”
The angel spread his wings dramatically. “I am the--”
“Metatron, voice of God-yes, I heard. Why the hell are you bothering me? I was happy being dead!”
The Metatron glared. “Rain on my parade, why don’t you? No wonder you haven’t been laid in the last twenty years. You must be loads of fun at parties.”
Severus sneered in return. “Sod off.”
The Metatron ignored him, carefully touching Severus’ wounded neck. Almost instantly, the flesh was whole and unscarred.
“Stop brooding and get over yourself, you ungrateful bugger,” the angel advised. “You’ve got a lot of living left to do.”
“You want me to what? You must be joking!”
“The Almighty doesn’t joke,” the Metatron informed him. “Except for that incident with the platypus…but that’s unimportant. What’s important is that you figure into the Divine Plan, and you must fulfill your purpose.”
Severus scowled. “I can’t.”
“That’s what they all say, but if a stinking drunk like Noah could build an ark, then you can manage this.”
“I can’t go back there! I’m a traitor--”
“Already taken care of. You’re a bloody hero, thanks very much.”
Severus was stunned speechless. The angel snickered.
“You see? You might as well live.”
Title: On a Mission from God
Author: bluestocking79
Word Count: 300 (3 100-word drabbles)
Rating: PG
Characters: Severus Snape, The Metatron
Notes: Crossover with Dogma, inspired by starlightforest’s request.
Warnings: Silliness, religious irreverence.
After a lifetime filled with pain, Severus appreciated death’s comforting embrace.
He was therefore extremely annoyed to be awoken by the droning of a familiar baritone: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty…
Severus opened his eyes to the sensation of looking in a mirror: the intruder might have been his twin, save for the clothes and shorter hair.
Well. That, and the bloody great wings.
Severus raised his wand. “Leave, or I’ll--”
“You’ll what? Hex me with that fish?’
Severus’ wand was now a mackerel.
The angel smirked. “The Almighty’s got plans for you, and they don’t involve dying.”
The angel spread his wings dramatically. “I am the--”
“Metatron, voice of God-yes, I heard. Why the hell are you bothering me? I was happy being dead!”
The Metatron glared. “Rain on my parade, why don’t you? No wonder you haven’t been laid in the last twenty years. You must be loads of fun at parties.”
Severus sneered in return. “Sod off.”
The Metatron ignored him, carefully touching Severus’ wounded neck. Almost instantly, the flesh was whole and unscarred.
“Stop brooding and get over yourself, you ungrateful bugger,” the angel advised. “You’ve got a lot of living left to do.”
“You want me to what? You must be joking!”
“The Almighty doesn’t joke,” the Metatron informed him. “Except for that incident with the platypus…but that’s unimportant. What’s important is that you figure into the Divine Plan, and you must fulfill your purpose.”
Severus scowled. “I can’t.”
“That’s what they all say, but if a stinking drunk like Noah could build an ark, then you can manage this.”
“I can’t go back there! I’m a traitor--”
“Already taken care of. You’re a bloody hero, thanks very much.”
Severus was stunned speechless. The angel snickered.
“You see? You might as well live.”