sticks and stones and weed and bones
I hope that most of you don't mind but this live journal i hope can be a way for me to vent out all my problems. I just got home from talking with two of my best friends who have pointed out a few of my, well not flaws, but glitches that I would really like to fix. So to do this I will have to start expressing my problems and shit through this media rather than just chating to my friends till their ears fall off.
SO... here I GOOOO... ready? better be!
So I have a really fucked up relationship with my brother who has been in and out of college for about 4 years and who is the only one in his grade out of his friends that hasn't graduated from college, but hey college isn't for everyone. I respect and love him even though he has 5 years on me and we have never really been that close, but family has this weird bond that i feel i have to acknowledge. He also has a disease that involves the common college substance that seems to be always present. Through the multitude of hospital visits and meetings of sorts and seeing him at his lowest lows kinda fucks with my mind. I hope he can learn to resist cause if he doesn't i don't know if my parents or him will last much longer.
Also my parents ahhh well what do you expect I am 17 and they want their little baby to always be happy and picking them flower bouquets from the yard. Well news flash i changed and they HATE that. I am a fat, bitch now, and they have said that to me so i don't know thats kinda always in my mind.
Now for the juice... boys boys glorious boys. Well not too glorious... So i have had some weird screwed up situations in the past but who hasn't? I mean i know that 24 is old but things happen. I seem to rely on boys for way to much of my happiness and end up hurting not only myself but my friends. It's a shame that people can bring you such highs and such lows by doing almost nothing. I mean i am a very emotional person and going on the pill didn't help that much, but i hope to find a happy medium some day soon. I want to be able to have enough confidence in myself to realize that these boys can only bring me so much pleasure and if i rely on them for all of it i will be wasting my life feeling things that i don't really want to feel.
We met at a dance party where i thought he was gay and he ended up making out with my friend but yet he got my number and we went swimming in a fountain and i ended up with his sweatshirt and he ended up with my dress. The texts buzzed my phone by the minuet and soon sparks started to fly, or so i thought. I found myself bowing down to him to his wants, not really sexually, because there wasn't much of that believe it or not, but when he wanted to hang out i was always there, but it didn't really go in the reverse. He was a shit to me but i loved it, for some reason i love feeling the heartbreak as long as i get a little passion. Also his downfall is that he is cute and likes to snuggle, who could ask for more right? Well i think i should have asked for more but then one day we just stopped talking. BOOM thats it..silence.... i had to realize that he was over me, that he just used me to feel wanted and then when someone else comes along, i don't matter anymore. Well that felt great, heartbreak is really fun, I mean don't think that i loved him, becuase i didn't but when people, even friends grow away from me it takes a lot out of me, makes me think i am not good enough, even a little worthless.
Well new years rolls along and i get texts from him again, we had talked a little on im and stuff over the months apart but not really anything meaningful, yet out of no where he tells me things i have wanted him to say for so long. Dating, him missing me, and still liking me a lot. i don't know what to think or what to do, so i haven't talk to him since...
SO... here I GOOOO... ready? better be!
So I have a really fucked up relationship with my brother who has been in and out of college for about 4 years and who is the only one in his grade out of his friends that hasn't graduated from college, but hey college isn't for everyone. I respect and love him even though he has 5 years on me and we have never really been that close, but family has this weird bond that i feel i have to acknowledge. He also has a disease that involves the common college substance that seems to be always present. Through the multitude of hospital visits and meetings of sorts and seeing him at his lowest lows kinda fucks with my mind. I hope he can learn to resist cause if he doesn't i don't know if my parents or him will last much longer.
Also my parents ahhh well what do you expect I am 17 and they want their little baby to always be happy and picking them flower bouquets from the yard. Well news flash i changed and they HATE that. I am a fat, bitch now, and they have said that to me so i don't know thats kinda always in my mind.
Now for the juice... boys boys glorious boys. Well not too glorious... So i have had some weird screwed up situations in the past but who hasn't? I mean i know that 24 is old but things happen. I seem to rely on boys for way to much of my happiness and end up hurting not only myself but my friends. It's a shame that people can bring you such highs and such lows by doing almost nothing. I mean i am a very emotional person and going on the pill didn't help that much, but i hope to find a happy medium some day soon. I want to be able to have enough confidence in myself to realize that these boys can only bring me so much pleasure and if i rely on them for all of it i will be wasting my life feeling things that i don't really want to feel.
We met at a dance party where i thought he was gay and he ended up making out with my friend but yet he got my number and we went swimming in a fountain and i ended up with his sweatshirt and he ended up with my dress. The texts buzzed my phone by the minuet and soon sparks started to fly, or so i thought. I found myself bowing down to him to his wants, not really sexually, because there wasn't much of that believe it or not, but when he wanted to hang out i was always there, but it didn't really go in the reverse. He was a shit to me but i loved it, for some reason i love feeling the heartbreak as long as i get a little passion. Also his downfall is that he is cute and likes to snuggle, who could ask for more right? Well i think i should have asked for more but then one day we just stopped talking. BOOM thats it..silence.... i had to realize that he was over me, that he just used me to feel wanted and then when someone else comes along, i don't matter anymore. Well that felt great, heartbreak is really fun, I mean don't think that i loved him, becuase i didn't but when people, even friends grow away from me it takes a lot out of me, makes me think i am not good enough, even a little worthless.
Well new years rolls along and i get texts from him again, we had talked a little on im and stuff over the months apart but not really anything meaningful, yet out of no where he tells me things i have wanted him to say for so long. Dating, him missing me, and still liking me a lot. i don't know what to think or what to do, so i haven't talk to him since...