now i update

[snakeeyeddragon]

i really hate it when my dad puts words in my mouth. whenever we talk about my future he talks about me living on the streets with 'rei pregnant and me stoned off my ass. it really disturbes me to the point ware i wish i were living alone or with friends really badly. i truely and thinking about living with my friend Chris Lickness. he's cool. best buds since we were 2 years old and Anna's daycare. his parents are nice to me, and as i know they're not too bad with him...except the whole not getting him a car thing... but other than that i think it'd be best for me to get the fuck away from my parents. they just put me down and make fun of how i dress and shit like that. i mean dude...im a fuck up and im ruining their lives. not that i care any but they don't diserve a trouble child like me. no one really does but i can't really do much about that either. life just sucks right now. no bad suicidal thoughts though. so thats good right? i hope so. i may have some twistid other thoughts but none include killing so yea. my dad thinks im a loser without a job. and my mom thinks i did this on purpose. i didn't sell the cigs for a reason. i messed up. no one is perfect. thats what they told me when i was a little boy. but when i got into sports and school starting to matter a little bit there all about perfection. i hate that too. had fun tonight till my dad showed up. moo. now you know, this is what it feels like. thats what i tell myself. i try not to plan anything in life. i just go with the flow of everything going on in my life and i don't really have any goals or anything. i mean last year i was oh so joyfull thinking i wanted to be an electrician, but now its turned to computers. so that goal went down the hole. which causes depressing feelings and makes me sad to think i ever thought of doing that. so now i don't make plans because i know they're all going to come out wrong and maybe even exact oposite of what was planned. the only thing i plan and i know its going to happen...is moving out of this god infested house with all the religious crap everywhere. thats another thing, my parents force me into christianity and shit like that. i go to some class thing every other week to talk about my faith with the lord. i love "heresy" a song by nine inch nails, the chorus is "your god is dead, and no one cares. and if there is a hell, i'll see you there." yea it make complete sence to me. and so does the wretched. my dad's not too bad either but the whole religion stuff and thinking im a nobody is kinda a depressing feeling. i hope if anyone even reads this that they would comment so i know if im still sane or not. and as 'rei has told me or written to me " life's a bitch, then you die. love's a bitch, then you kill." yea so everyone out there live it out. if you give up for one its mercy and two it gives your parents or gaurdians relief and happiness, which we all know is not what we want for them. they must pay for all the damage done. and as i told my dad today "im a fuckup. and it can't be changed the way i am now. and don't plan on me changing anytime soon." he also asked me why i dress the way i do and i told him because im a scrungy goth who likes black and red. and if you don't like it, deal with it. he told me to deal with school so i told him to deal with me. i don't think he will being stuborn and all. well this is long enough so i'll leave peacefully and not upset, i hope.

'Rei i love you with all my tattered and torn heart and i shall forever. take care everyone and please comment. i don't feel good now.