It's Funny
It's funny the things you get to find out when you break up and violate your exes privacy by logging into his shit. Not that I ever hide it from him, but he is silly and doesn't realize the incriminating stuff he leaves lying around.
I'm not mad or anything, I already knew that he turns nasty when he's in a bad temper. But still, he was talking to his friend Ashley Case of facebook BEFORE he and I broke up about how much he hates me and has no more feelings for me what so ever and how once the move is over with he was going to "dump my ass". Interesting stuff.
I'm not talking bad about him or anything. It's just funny how you think you know if your guy is in love with you or not and then you find out they were miserable with you.
I'm going through the "I want you back" phase in the break up. Which everyone tells me is natural. I don't know what I'll do about it yet. But the feelings are very strong. I don't think we could get back together though because of the trust issues. We've both hidden things during our single time, but in my opinion, it's really none of our business what we've done while we're single. I think if a new relationship were to bloom, we should just leave well enough alone...but *shrug* easier said than done. BUT if we were to get back together, I would love to just drop it. Forget the whole months of singleness ever happened, or just accept the fact that we were both single and although it does hurt that we both had flings, it happens and we weren't accountable to anyone. I know that whenever I pass Subway I think of Krissi and the affection that he gave her that I deserved for three years. I know that he's too uncomfortable about Brad and I hanging out, even though we have the capacity to be JUST FRIENDS and Brad is very respectful. Mike would never trust that and force me to get rid of him.
That would be very hard for me. Might even be impossible. Basically Brad is like my best friend in North Bay, we can go out for cruises for hours on end with no sexual tension. He's the type of person that if I WAS being a horny perv he would give me a warning to keep hands off and if I didn't listen he would drive me home. It's so funny how the person my family and mike LEAST TRUSTS is probably the best influence on me in North Bay. Yet the people I'm allowed to hang out with, aka my cousin, would not only applaud me hooking up with people, but encourage it. And the thing is, if Mike and I WERE back together, which would go against what all my friends give me for advice, Brad would be the type of friend that would offer to hang out with the both of us and actually be friendly too (unless Mike started talking bad about me which he used to do a lot in public).
I'm starting to get used to some of the things he's doing while being single, talking to his ex, talking to nat (which I never thought I could get over) and I'm even starting to think that him talking to Krissi and Peggy is acceptable. But I don't think he could ever return the favor. And I mean, it's taking me time. And it still hurts sometimes, but it is happening.
I just don't know anymore.
Some days I want to fight to make he and I work. Other times I wonder why I am missing him so much when he obviously caused me a great deal of pain. I don't think in dating him I could have the life I like though. He wouldn't allow me to hang out with Brad, or even if he did, he would give me a load of grief about it, and I understand that, because I sure as hell would not want him hanging out with Krissi. But the difference is, I've known Brad since I was sixteen years old and he's always been a close friend. Regardless of how long we go between talking to each other, we can always hang out as comfortably as ever. And we know damn well that we're only good as friends. When Brad and I date, we change, and it's not pretty. Krissi, to me, is a random internet whore that Mike used to get his rocks off and therefore would have no place in his life if I were back in it...Other things that he would want changed I could do, there are people I talk to that I don't even LIKE talking to, I just do it because I'm bored.
He's been great with me while being single. We laugh, we play fight, we hang out, we're smiling, he does goofy stuff and lets loose. I just find myself wondering how much of that would change back to asshole, control freak, demeaning, tempermental Mike if we were to go back to dating. Maybe that's what makes this so bittersweet, the fact that the Mike I want doesn't exist in a relationship. Only as a friend. Although, he's far from perfect, but he's working so hard and I have to give him praise for that. I have witnessed him do things that would normally cause him to lose his temper and take it out on me, and instead he just laughed it off or sat there until the anger passed. I've noticed him apologizing without me having to give a big speech when he does fuck up. I've noticed his weight loss and better eating habits.
The only problem I have with him lately is that I feel he still thinks that he has the right to control me. I know he never meant to control me but it's in his nature. For example, the whole "I don't want you to talk to Brad" thing. Which although I understand, until he's my boyfriend he has no right to say that. And even then, he's going to have to accept that I am stronger willed now and won't just be like "yes master" this time. And I'm guilty of it too, I told him I didn't want him talking to Krissi anymore while we were trying to become friends because seeing her messages on his cell phone and msn just hurt me too much and was getting in the way of our friendship. And he got rid of her on MSN for me. But again, it's a different situation. She was a random internet chick that he had known for like two weeks. Brad I have known for six years and have always hated the periods where I've been forced to not talk to him. Problem is, I don't know how to prove that I'm trustworthy with him. Like obviously I wouldn't go to the bar with him and dance or anything if I were in a relationship, that's just inappropriate. But I see no problem with going for coffee late at night or a cruise like we enjoy doing...If Mike said, "Get rid of Charlie" the guy I met on plenty of fish that I randomly talk to. Or "Get rid of Andrew" (which I'm doing anyways). I could do that. But telling me to get rid of Brad is like saying "Get rid of Steph"...
Oh god, what am I saying. I'm so confused. I know this is a natural part of breaking up...I know that! Why does it have to be so hard though? I'm not even upset either, just very confused and contemplative...
And I don't really want any comments on this entry so I'm going to turn that feature off but leave it public. I know what you're all going to say anyways...
HEATHER: What are you stupid? Yeah sure, go back out with him. Or you could just shove needles into your eyes and hang yourself upside down by your labia with fish hooks, it's the same thing. (or something to that effect)
JERBEAR: Castrate him.
TOM AND CRYSTAL: No Comment
The reason I've left this entry public is because Mike is very paranoid about my private entries and he thinks I bash him constantly in them. I want him to see what I do. How I kind of just ramble on to make sense of what is going through my mind at the time. I don't find anything in this entry to be offensive, he may find differently, we'll see.
I don't understand why I feel so accountable to him. I guess three years is a very long time to just lose old habits. Old habits die hard I guess.
I do look forward to the prospect of going out west for a couple of months. Mike thinks it's to get over him. I won't deny it, but that's not my intention. My intention is to clear my head without external influences. I would really like to assess what *I* want and need. Take a step back and look at what is good for me. Unfortunately I cannot do that while being around most of my friends and Mike because they all have opinion...except for Brad who always lets me do what I want. Sometimes I wonder if he understands me more than Steph...which is probably why his presence disturbs Mike aswell...
Alrighty, I need to go get cleaned up and get some shopping done before Clarence comes into town...
-Jennifer