Funny Email
Dear Alcohol,
Â
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend,
you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer at the game and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While
I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
Â
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
Â
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
stale chips (washed down with WINE and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but I think you
went too far this time.
Â
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
Â
4. Furthermore...: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, Vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn) the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Â
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we
can continue this fruitful partnership.
Â
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
Â
P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Â
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
Â
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Â
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend,
you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer at the game and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While
I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
Â
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
Â
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
stale chips (washed down with WINE and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but I think you
went too far this time.
Â
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
Â
4. Furthermore...: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, Vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn) the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Â
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we
can continue this fruitful partnership.
Â
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
Â
P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Â
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
Â
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.