work and school are slowly crushing my soul
It's like... when I'm with him I just feel fucking furious. Just so fucking mad. Every fucking word he utters makes me so PISSED off I just want him to shut the fuck up no matter what it is. During conversations I get this feeling like I want to cry i'm just so angry and sometimes when I get home I do. I just feel this fiery ball of a rage when i'm near him and knowing he exists. I seriously get urges to throw myself out a window when he speaks to me.
I think that's what hatred is.
Love humiliates you. Hatred cradles you.
I think I'm in love with Nick. It's kind of crazy and I'm pretty sure i'm losing my mind. I think about him all the time, every thing reminds me of him, I'd do anything to see him all the time, I always miss him, that stupid fucking twat has my god damn heart in his fist; and he's always fucking clenching it. I've been working a lot lately and I was thinking about what it'll be like to have all that money. Of course, the first thing I thought of was that I could take all the cabs in the world back from his house at 6 in the morning. I've only been in love once, and this kind of sensation of blindness and complete trust is why I think I might be again. But, I've never been in love and not had it returned. It feels quite different, and it really wears on you. Sometimes, I almost don't care though. I'm either thinking of him fondly and lovingly, or crying about him(still lovingly, though). I know he cares about me at least a little. It's reallly fucked up....
Because of him, when I go out I don't really go all out when I'm getting ready. I've had days where I don't even wear make up which is REALLY very very very veyr veyr vyer vyetf reyvyer very unusual for me. I've worn foundation mascara, and eyeliner since I discovered it's existence. When I'm with people, I don't give a shit about if they're attracted to me. I don't care. If I'm not with him I don't care about myself. I don't go out nearly as much anymore . I used to have to be at every party, never stay home if you don't have to. Even if I were tired, i'd just push that aside and roll out. Now i'd only do that for Nick. Nothing else seems as worth it. I miss myself. I'm trying to read lots of books and stuff and see my friends all the time; but I keep getting this feeling that I just don't care. So I don't. Which is why i'm here... I've also thrown myself into work which has utterly exhuasted me. I work every single day. I don't know who I am anymore because sometimes I just try so hard not to think. When I think I cry, because I remember that he doesn't love me.
Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself... know what you want.