Time For an Update. Yay.
I'm hella sore. What a joke. Ugh.
Muscles tired (should sleep good tonight though), 3 blisters on my left hand - one of them open, and sore shoulder due to not getting out of the way of my own ball *lol* stupid roofs on the batting cage are too short, at least I had a helmet on eh?
My day was made though - a father and son came out to the cages and he was trying to teach his kid (prolly about 11 or 12) how to hit better, and he said "watch her, see how she does it, put your bat up like that, raise your elbow, see how she has it". I was filled with glee. It was so cool!
Its a bit expensive, but I might see about if I can get a discount to pay up front for a lotta sessions during the week (read: non-busy time). Then again, with school letting out in a month and a half I'm sure the kids will be around more, but hey I never mind being a good example :)
Been doing good on the health/diet thing. Cooking a lot more, experimenting a bit. I'm a decent cook, but nothing tastes as good as when someone else cooks it lol
Today wasn't a great day - I don't think I had any fruits or veggies, but I soooooo was not in the mood for it. Didn't have my yogurt either, or nuts for that matter. Just wasn't hungry.
Not a lot really been going on around here lately.
Stressing a lil about the job situation. They really aren't letting anyone know what is going on. Then with my boss leaving prolly in August, its possible I'll get that job offer, but no guarentees. Then again, they may split up the lab and won't have a job at all. Still got a few months before then though, so no need to stress it yet. I really don't care for kalamazoo, but I don't want to MOVE again either, unless I'm going somewhere I'm gonna be for a while, a long while *lol* Don't even know where I wanna go - I can go anywhere I find a good job I guess, there is nothing keeping me here, and nothing to make me decide on a place either. I have no ties. I love the freedom of that, but its kinda sad too. I've lived all over the damn place. Time for a new country maybe.
I mentioned Seattle in a previous entry, I've wanted to live there since I visited when I was 15. Its such a romantic notion too - packing up the truck, driving cross country, blaring the tunes, getting away from everything back here, leaving it all and starting anew, fresh.
Its kinda silly, I don't have anything to run from, but it sounds damn good. Well, actually, I do know why it sounds good to get away from here, but blah.
New hopes, new dreams, new starts.
These past... 7 months I've learned so much about myself, and how I relate to people, and how I need to change, it just amazes me. I'm embarrassed, in a way, of some of the things I've done. But I yam who I yam, and I have to go through shit to learn shit to not do shit again. And anyone that doesn't accept me as I learn and grow - well fuck them *lol*
Its hard though because other people put you in a box. They have this nice neat consise thought of who you are, when they really have no clue. And you can't change that, you can only show them differently. And when they aren't around to see it, then they never know and they persist with you in their box. And no person ever knows the whole you, at least in my experience.
At one point Dawn knew me the most anyone ever has. I miss that. And I miss knowing someone that well too.
Fug, this is getting too deep and too serious for me, but I think its interesting as fuck.
Scott got married. That blew my mind away. I've known him how long? Nearly 10 years now! And he's always bitched about women and how he didn't think he was ever going to find someone or get married. And he's married. Insane! My question is - how long ago did this happen? lol Every time I ask him how its going he's all... same old same old... well uh... if ya got married, that's NOT same old same old! heh
Makes ya think. I mean.. marriage is insane. *lol* The thought is very romantic. And it seems like a nice idea, but the practicality of it just doesn't seem feasible. Someone thought that that was what I wanted... basically to settle down and settle down now, and I don't know why he had that idea. Marriage scares the crap out of me. I'm so not ready. And even once I am ready, it ain't happening right away, thas fo sho.
Obviously, a whirlwind romance blah blah blah sounds thrilling and great, but jesus, if I get married - I want it to be for life.
Fuck an A why am I talking about this? I've never had a relationship last more than a coupla weeks *lol*
I'm soooo much better at friends than relationships. At least now, I'm more aware of WHY that it so. heh. But I'd like to practice... so if you know any cute single straight guys, hook a girl up.
I talk a lot. er.. type a lot.
*playing with my blisters*
Some people find others so easily. Yet I can't fathom there being someone that will accept me for me, and love me for me, and I feel the same for them. And I know there is something like 3 billion men in the world, and even then the odds just don't seem great. For everything to come together - for the attraction, the chemistry, the goals, similar interests, the sex, openness, honesty, understanding, able to make each other laugh, its just... wow... how can you ever find all that in one person and they see it in you too?
I've been wanted and I have wanted, and its never matched up well enough for it to amount to anything. Amazing. Yet people are hooking up all the time, how the hell do they do it *lol*
Dating for fun is one thing. Dating to see if there is future possibilities is another. I mean, as soon as you know it ain't a fit, its done. Maybe I don't allow enough time for me to see the real them? I dunno. Fug it. Arg. lol
It really doesn't matter all that much either. I'm perfectly happy to live ALONE and do things I wanna do when I wanna do them and spend my money on what I want or not, no one to report to, no one to try to figure out/understand, no one to argue with,
what was I talking about
oh yeah.
I got a lot of figuring out in that area. Relationships. I so rarely spent any time thinking about them in the past. Basically any thinking that I did about them was that I wanted a steady lay, and someone to go do shit with on occasion. Then I was surprised when I moved out on my own - no roomies to come home to, or the whole floor having a party, and I was... lonely... and I finally started to understand why people desire real relationships.
But I still haven't experienced a real relationship. And I think I'd like to, BUT... it scares the crap out of me, because jesus, that's a lot of work, and then... you go through all that, and then it ends, and you gotta start over, and you hurt. Why is that appealing exactly?
So what the hell do I want anyways? I don't know. I want it all. I want what I want when i want it, and when i don't, it goes away and there are no worries.
Stupid girl. heh
It'd be kinda cool if there was a dude that I could be honest about this shit with and he was understanding about it and he didn't just assume I want certain things because I'm a chick, or I'm of a certain age, or I'm at a certain point in my life.
It sounds really nice to be able to share concerns and be met with understanding, but how realistic is that? From your girlfriends - obviously, that's natural. But from a guy? They'd be happy as clams to not have to talk to you ever *lol*. And most certainly not loooooong discussions that are somewhat philosophical in nature, about what ifs and what not. If there is a problem - cool, state it in 2 minutes or less and he'll solve it for ya', if not...why are we talking exactly?
But of course, being a woman - I bond with talking. I feel talking helps someone get to know me, and to get to know me, draws us closer, brings understanding and trust. I'm not afraid to be rejected for what I am.
yeah I'm just babbling now. Point of all of this? I gotta figure out what the fuck I want. Just fun? Relationship? *gulp* Marriage... eventually... maybe? (To be honest, I know that I think I want it.... someday, maybe. *lol*) See!?!?!
If I'm just dating for fun, nothing much really matters, but if I decide that maybe I might want a real relationship, then shit starts to matter, and there are deal breakers, ya know?
Actually I think I just answered my own question. I'm not looking for anything serious. I will NEVER LOOK for anything serious. I'll date for fun. And ya know, if somehow I hook up with someone that we have a great reportoire, maybe it'll eventually end up in a more serious direction, then so be it.
Seems a lil haphazzard though. Cuz what if it gets to that point, and then I'm soooo not prepared. Like... because you are dating for fun, but you spend a bit of time with that person but because its fun you over look things that if you were looking at a future you certainly wouldn't accept it, but then you like feel stuff for that person, then you already care for them, but there is this big glaring hole. Then what. Crap.
I hate this shit. I'm gonna be a nun.
Muscles tired (should sleep good tonight though), 3 blisters on my left hand - one of them open, and sore shoulder due to not getting out of the way of my own ball *lol* stupid roofs on the batting cage are too short, at least I had a helmet on eh?
My day was made though - a father and son came out to the cages and he was trying to teach his kid (prolly about 11 or 12) how to hit better, and he said "watch her, see how she does it, put your bat up like that, raise your elbow, see how she has it". I was filled with glee. It was so cool!
Its a bit expensive, but I might see about if I can get a discount to pay up front for a lotta sessions during the week (read: non-busy time). Then again, with school letting out in a month and a half I'm sure the kids will be around more, but hey I never mind being a good example :)
Been doing good on the health/diet thing. Cooking a lot more, experimenting a bit. I'm a decent cook, but nothing tastes as good as when someone else cooks it lol
Today wasn't a great day - I don't think I had any fruits or veggies, but I soooooo was not in the mood for it. Didn't have my yogurt either, or nuts for that matter. Just wasn't hungry.
Not a lot really been going on around here lately.
Stressing a lil about the job situation. They really aren't letting anyone know what is going on. Then with my boss leaving prolly in August, its possible I'll get that job offer, but no guarentees. Then again, they may split up the lab and won't have a job at all. Still got a few months before then though, so no need to stress it yet. I really don't care for kalamazoo, but I don't want to MOVE again either, unless I'm going somewhere I'm gonna be for a while, a long while *lol* Don't even know where I wanna go - I can go anywhere I find a good job I guess, there is nothing keeping me here, and nothing to make me decide on a place either. I have no ties. I love the freedom of that, but its kinda sad too. I've lived all over the damn place. Time for a new country maybe.
I mentioned Seattle in a previous entry, I've wanted to live there since I visited when I was 15. Its such a romantic notion too - packing up the truck, driving cross country, blaring the tunes, getting away from everything back here, leaving it all and starting anew, fresh.
Its kinda silly, I don't have anything to run from, but it sounds damn good. Well, actually, I do know why it sounds good to get away from here, but blah.
New hopes, new dreams, new starts.
These past... 7 months I've learned so much about myself, and how I relate to people, and how I need to change, it just amazes me. I'm embarrassed, in a way, of some of the things I've done. But I yam who I yam, and I have to go through shit to learn shit to not do shit again. And anyone that doesn't accept me as I learn and grow - well fuck them *lol*
Its hard though because other people put you in a box. They have this nice neat consise thought of who you are, when they really have no clue. And you can't change that, you can only show them differently. And when they aren't around to see it, then they never know and they persist with you in their box. And no person ever knows the whole you, at least in my experience.
At one point Dawn knew me the most anyone ever has. I miss that. And I miss knowing someone that well too.
Fug, this is getting too deep and too serious for me, but I think its interesting as fuck.
Scott got married. That blew my mind away. I've known him how long? Nearly 10 years now! And he's always bitched about women and how he didn't think he was ever going to find someone or get married. And he's married. Insane! My question is - how long ago did this happen? lol Every time I ask him how its going he's all... same old same old... well uh... if ya got married, that's NOT same old same old! heh
Makes ya think. I mean.. marriage is insane. *lol* The thought is very romantic. And it seems like a nice idea, but the practicality of it just doesn't seem feasible. Someone thought that that was what I wanted... basically to settle down and settle down now, and I don't know why he had that idea. Marriage scares the crap out of me. I'm so not ready. And even once I am ready, it ain't happening right away, thas fo sho.
Obviously, a whirlwind romance blah blah blah sounds thrilling and great, but jesus, if I get married - I want it to be for life.
Fuck an A why am I talking about this? I've never had a relationship last more than a coupla weeks *lol*
I'm soooo much better at friends than relationships. At least now, I'm more aware of WHY that it so. heh. But I'd like to practice... so if you know any cute single straight guys, hook a girl up.
I talk a lot. er.. type a lot.
*playing with my blisters*
Some people find others so easily. Yet I can't fathom there being someone that will accept me for me, and love me for me, and I feel the same for them. And I know there is something like 3 billion men in the world, and even then the odds just don't seem great. For everything to come together - for the attraction, the chemistry, the goals, similar interests, the sex, openness, honesty, understanding, able to make each other laugh, its just... wow... how can you ever find all that in one person and they see it in you too?
I've been wanted and I have wanted, and its never matched up well enough for it to amount to anything. Amazing. Yet people are hooking up all the time, how the hell do they do it *lol*
Dating for fun is one thing. Dating to see if there is future possibilities is another. I mean, as soon as you know it ain't a fit, its done. Maybe I don't allow enough time for me to see the real them? I dunno. Fug it. Arg. lol
It really doesn't matter all that much either. I'm perfectly happy to live ALONE and do things I wanna do when I wanna do them and spend my money on what I want or not, no one to report to, no one to try to figure out/understand, no one to argue with,
what was I talking about
oh yeah.
I got a lot of figuring out in that area. Relationships. I so rarely spent any time thinking about them in the past. Basically any thinking that I did about them was that I wanted a steady lay, and someone to go do shit with on occasion. Then I was surprised when I moved out on my own - no roomies to come home to, or the whole floor having a party, and I was... lonely... and I finally started to understand why people desire real relationships.
But I still haven't experienced a real relationship. And I think I'd like to, BUT... it scares the crap out of me, because jesus, that's a lot of work, and then... you go through all that, and then it ends, and you gotta start over, and you hurt. Why is that appealing exactly?
So what the hell do I want anyways? I don't know. I want it all. I want what I want when i want it, and when i don't, it goes away and there are no worries.
Stupid girl. heh
It'd be kinda cool if there was a dude that I could be honest about this shit with and he was understanding about it and he didn't just assume I want certain things because I'm a chick, or I'm of a certain age, or I'm at a certain point in my life.
It sounds really nice to be able to share concerns and be met with understanding, but how realistic is that? From your girlfriends - obviously, that's natural. But from a guy? They'd be happy as clams to not have to talk to you ever *lol*. And most certainly not loooooong discussions that are somewhat philosophical in nature, about what ifs and what not. If there is a problem - cool, state it in 2 minutes or less and he'll solve it for ya', if not...why are we talking exactly?
But of course, being a woman - I bond with talking. I feel talking helps someone get to know me, and to get to know me, draws us closer, brings understanding and trust. I'm not afraid to be rejected for what I am.
yeah I'm just babbling now. Point of all of this? I gotta figure out what the fuck I want. Just fun? Relationship? *gulp* Marriage... eventually... maybe? (To be honest, I know that I think I want it.... someday, maybe. *lol*) See!?!?!
If I'm just dating for fun, nothing much really matters, but if I decide that maybe I might want a real relationship, then shit starts to matter, and there are deal breakers, ya know?
Actually I think I just answered my own question. I'm not looking for anything serious. I will NEVER LOOK for anything serious. I'll date for fun. And ya know, if somehow I hook up with someone that we have a great reportoire, maybe it'll eventually end up in a more serious direction, then so be it.
Seems a lil haphazzard though. Cuz what if it gets to that point, and then I'm soooo not prepared. Like... because you are dating for fun, but you spend a bit of time with that person but because its fun you over look things that if you were looking at a future you certainly wouldn't accept it, but then you like feel stuff for that person, then you already care for them, but there is this big glaring hole. Then what. Crap.
I hate this shit. I'm gonna be a nun.