For: glorial
From: _emewd_
Title: Occupational Hazard
Rating: R
Summary: Killing someone is the darkest thing to do, but it's an occupational hazard.
Warnings: Discussion of murder. PSTD.
A/N: I know you said you didn't want too much angst. I thought that there was a fair amount considering the content of this piece.
Mod note: Reminder for the author/artist of this submission, please do not reply to comments signed in, if you want to reply anon commenting is enabled.
It’s nighttime, but it’s always so light at night at this time here. It will be dark soon. It was so dark that night. Sasuke opens the door and hugs me. I don’t want to be touched, but at the same time I need so badly to be held. To be told it didn’t happen and that I’m still a good person. One look at me and he knows. I feel numb. Naruto Uzumaki, needing to be held and feeling numb.
Naruto Uzumaki, murderer.
I wonder when I’ll cry. I feel like crying. That’s normal, right? Will I go through the five stages of grief? But I caused this. I feel horrible. Will Sasuke want to talk about it? I can’t talk about it now. Has Sasuke had to do it? Oh no. It’s not something we talk about. It’s not something anyone talks about. I can’t reach out. At least…because nobody can reach out about it, I know it’s not treated as some-I don’t know-rite of passage. But when you do this job, it’s expected that you know you’ll have to do this. Even at the age of twelve…I’m not twelve. That was a long time ago. I did this for nine years without having to kill someone. But that’s not what happened. I did more than that. And I felt so differently at the time than I feel now.
Sasuke keeps looking over at me as we walk into the bedroom. I won’t be able to sleep. Does he want sex? I won’t be able to…but I’ve been away for months. We’re monogamous. All he’s had is masturbation. I just-I think I’d be okay with blowing him. It’s the least I can do after coming home. We always have sex or do blowjobs or handjobs after one of us comes home from a mission. He’s only hugged me. There was no kissing. Maybe-
We lie down on the bed together, both of us fully clothed. We’re unsure of ourselves suddenly because we both know I’ve changed. And I think we both know how and why. “Naruto.” I turn my head to look at my boyfriend. “Yeah?” “I’m so glad you’re home safe.” “Me too.” “I missed you,” he sighs.
“I missed you so much, Sasuke,” I manage to choke out, ready to bawl. I have to deal with it. “I know-missions can be hard and nobody really talks about them.” Sasuke doesn’t usually talk about emotions. Not his, not anyone’s, not emotion in general. But I think I need this. Sasuke and I are really in tune with each other. “It’s hard to come back, to readjust,” he continues. He goes on more missions than I do. “And I think that-not just for us, but for everybody-sex is the fastest way to sort of-come back to the normal world, to society, and we all tend to do it with friends of partners. Trusted, familiar, they know what it’s like to come home. But sometimes-Naruto-if you need to-I mean-” he exhales heavily. “We don’t have to have sex tonight. We can have it whenever you want it, whenever you’re ready. Or if you want it right now, we can. I just-wanted you to know that.”
My shoulders shake as I sob. He understands. He knows me. And he holds me gently as I try to make sense of it all. “Sex isn’t going to cure anything that happened. Sweet-talk, hand-holding, public displays of affection…don’t help you deal with bloodshed or knowing you have such a dangerous job. Just…anything when you’re ready…” His breath is warm against my ear and neck as he whispers. I take his hand and try to communicate my thanks. He kisses my cheek gently. Darkness has fallen and the town is quiet.
I don’t know why I thought I might be able to sleep tonight, my first night back in society, another night of living with this all. The nightmares don’t even make sense. The sequence of events is off. And Sasuke is in some of these multiple nightmares that are briefly interrupted when I wake up sweating and shaking. How I felt when it all was all happening-the emotions are in the nightmares too. Sasuke wasn’t even there…there’s no way he could know exactly what went on, or have the mental images…but he, too, is a ninja. Ninja means assassin. We’re intelligence agents. We kill people if we have to, to get information. Starting at the age of twelve…
I was twelve when I was put on a team with Sasuke. We’ve known each other since childhood. We’ve always been close, rivals only to disguise that we’re best friends. Everyone knows the story. They don’t know that we had sex the first time a month after becoming boyfriends. We were seventeen. I had gotten him to come back. We started living together. The way our relationship was…sex was inevitable. Dating, romance, affection and all that. Yeah, we got together young and have been together awhile and all that, but our jobs, the culture of this small town that needs people with our jobs so desperately…we never know when we’ll die. It could be tomorrow. It could be fifty years from now. It could be during sex when we’re young or when we’re old and taking a shit. No one ever knows. What matters is that Sasuke and I love each other and are together. And he’s back.
Sasuke has trauma-induced insomnia. I learned to sleep right through it. Now I guess I have it too. It’s to be expected…it’s hell. I try to sleep cuddled by Sasuke, then on my back, then on my front, then cuddling Sasuke, then on top of the blankets, then I add a quilt to the bedspread and burrow deep underneath all the warmth…nothing. Sasuke knows what it’s like. When we first started sleeping in the same bed, I’d get annoyed with his tossing and turning, then getting out of bed, then getting back in. It’s not like that’s when I first noticed his insomnia. No, on missions, he’d toss, turn, walk around quietly, sit and brood, whatever. But that was all done at a relative distance that never really affected me. He never wanted to talk about it. He’d always tell me to shut up and go away. Puzzled, I always would. When we started sharing the same bed, he told me what was up. My annoyance turned into silent worry and I left him alone. Now it’s me-the roles are reversed kind of. When will he ask about it? Will he? Will I just blurt it out? I do that a lot. There’s no way to be prepared for what I did or its aftermath.
Wisps of steam rush upward from a dark blue bowl of what I identify from the smell as beef ramen. Sasuke made it for me. He hates the instant kind and likes to tell me how much salt it has in it. We both agree that home-cooked foods are better than instant. Sasuke’s a good cook, and I always like when he decides to cook for me. I swirl the thin, curly noodles around with my chopsticks. I’m not very hungry. I barely slept last night. It’s been a week since the mission. Last night was my first night home. Sasuke cooked for me…I never turn down his cooking. Ever. Then again, I generally don’t turn down food. But-things are different now. “Hey.” I look up at the sound of his voice. “Don’t feel like you have to eat it. Coming home from a tough mission-”
“No, no. I’m just-I have attention issues, as we both know.” I grin. I gulp the ramen down to avoid more questions and to distract myself from the look he’s giving me. “That was good. Thanks for cooking it for me.”
“You’re welcome.” He’s a serious guy, but I feel like he’s being more so than usual. He’s trying to figure out, I deduce (haha…fancy word I learned from him) what happened without asking.
I heard somewhere that time does not heal all wounds, but everyone will reach a point where they can get through the day, the week, the month, the year. Does time heal trauma? Can a ninja be traumatized by their own work? What am I supposed to do? I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have nightmares. They said I did great and I won’t have to go on another mission for awhile. I have even more respect now and have moved up a rank.
He’s turned away from me slightly. In the fading twilight streaming through the window, I can see he’s relaxed as he takes off his shirt. And another indicator that I’m slowly returning to society happens. We haven’t had sex since the night before I left for the mission. Sasuke’s been waiting patiently, calmly, for me to initiate it. I think he knows. And I want him now, simply from seeing him take off his shirt, then continue down to his boxers. “Sasuke.”
“Yeah?” He turns slightly. “Stay-like that.” I walk to him and place a hand on his chest. He has scars from stab wounds and stuff. Battle and training. And accidents during occasional bouts of rough sex. So do I. Most of his scars are on his chest and back. Most of mine are on my arms and oddly, my calves. Strange place to aim for. I’m so aware-of the…physicality-of my body. I run my hand down and across his chest, feeling the scars under my palm despite the calluses. I hold his hand with my other and entwine our fingers. He smiles gently. Sometimes he does that. A friend of ours, can’t remember who, once asked Sasuke jokingly if it would kill him to grin. He said he might try grinning sometime.
We lean in slowly at the same time and kiss gently. Trite, but comforting somehow. And we kiss a lot during sex. Sometimes we laugh. But now, we just kiss gently. His lips are always smooth. Sasuke doesn’t bite his lips. I bite mine. Weird habit. I think he likes the texture, considering what he does all the time. That sounds more suggestive than it actually is. I deepen the kiss slowly. My eyes are closed, as are his. I remember when we first started kissing, I opened my eyes a lot to learn whether his eyes were closed. They always were. Still are. He’s-this is different. He’s waiting for permission. I give it to him.
His hands rest on my shoulder blades as I pull him closer to me. We press against each other. He puts his tongue in my mouth. Oh, I need this. Talk about a base physical need…My breath is shallow and rapid as I kiss him. More like shove my tongue down his throat and grind against him. He breathes the same way, sort of-whispering. He’d be moaning if I pulled away to…say…latch onto his neck. Good idea. I kiss his neck gently a few times. He buries his fingers in my hair…and presses down slightly as I start sucking, then biting gently. His body tenses and he groans as I communicate with my actions that I’m going to give him the biggest, darkest love bite I can manage. It’ll still be visible in a month. He cries out and grinds against me. My eyes are closed. He smells so good. He whines and pants alternately. Sasuke’s body jerks and I stop completely. Sasuke glares me, breathing hard. Tendrils of long black hair fall over his chest from where they had rested on his shoulder. “I don’t want you coming early.” My voice is deeper than usual, a bit of evidence that my entire body is aching with lust. “Fuck you,” my boyfriend growls. “Well, maybe if we switch positions during sex,” I chirp. He looks ready to shove me down, strip me and fuck me into next week. I quickly shed my clothes and grab the bottle of lubricant from the nightstand.
We stopped using condoms a few months ago. We don’t plan to cheat, we’re monogamous and have no sexually transmitted diseases. We’ll deal with any consequences together. Right now, things are fine. I toss the lubricant on the bed. It lands on the pillow. I push Sasuke down onto the bed. He tries to flip me over. I win and gloat, then take off his boxers. He stops swearing as I stroke his left inner thigh. I straddle him and reach slightly over his head for the lubricant. I hover slightly above him and open the container. We’re both so turned on that if I lowered myself that our hips touched, even gently, we’d both come. I squeeze some lubricant on my fingers and reach down. Out of nervousness, I repeat the process a couple of times. Still not entirely used to not using a condom…it feels different. We just need to do it more often (har har).
Sasuke tenses as I enter him slowly. Tight. Most. A weird sensation (see, still not used to it), but okay overall. I prefer to go slow and gentle when I’m on top. This always frustrates Sasuke, especially now. He speeds things up and I don’t mind. I reach down and masturbate him. We’re both sweating and breathing hard, both moving fast and forcefully. ‘Welcome back to society’ sex is awesome. A slight downside is that we tend to come faster. My body tenses, then my hips buck uncontrollably as I come. As I slowly pull out, Sasuke comes and shouts, “Fuck!” loud enough for the entire damn town to hear. I crawl off him and cuddle up to him, then kiss him. He drapes an arm around me. We stay like this-relaxed, calm, with the type of drowsiness a great orgasm brings-until we both fall asleep.
I sleep deeply, but only for a few hours. No nightmares, no dreams, just waking up again. I’ve had maybe forty-eight hours of sleep in the month that I’ve been home. Damn. Sasuke gets out of bed after me. “Didn’t mean to wake you up,” I mutter guiltily. “You didn’t.” “Okay.” I believe him, but only sort of. “I can make tea if you want,” I offer after a silence. Sasuke nods. And it’s over a small cup of boiling hot green tea that I’m able to talk about what happened a month ago. “I went on a mission…I mean yeah, just came back from it and I uh…we were contracted to uh-I didn’t want to do it. It was self-defense! But he had a family. They saw. They were so-I just-they had some training and-it just happened. I’m so sorry.” Sasuke finished his tea. I’m not psychic or anything, he lifted the cup to his mouth and it had tea, then when he set it down it was empty. “This is where I’m supposed to say something comforting,” he says slowly. “I suck at the emotional talking. I had to do it too, Naruto. It’s-I hate to say it this way, but it’s a rite of passage…ninja means assassin. I understand…and…Tsunade is good to talk to about it. You’ll get to a point where-you’re not over it, but-you’re okay enough with it.” And I understand. We’re both crying. “She might teach you-or talk to Jiraiya about it since he trained you-you can use a jutsu to help you sleep. I sometimes use one.” I never noticed. Probably because before this, I slept really well. Sasuke says I snore. Or I used to. I want to sleep again, and be able to deal with this.
“Hey, you going to finish that?” My boyfriend who-understand this-I thought he’d be really affected by it considering his history, he points to the half-full teacup. “Uh, yeah.” And I do. A few minutes later: “You coming to bed?” I don’t respond, just shuffle out of the kitchen and into the bedroom. I’m so tired. He cuddles against me like nothing happened. And maybe-maybe-I don’t know. I’ll talk to Tsunade tomorrow. Sasuke’s calmness seems surreal. I feel weird. Uncomfortable. But I do finally sleep.
I wake up when he kicks me. I shout something that’s not a word in any language I know of as I try to make sense of my environment. I’m in bed. What time is it? “Good. You’re awake.” “Damn it, Sasuke.” “You wouldn’t respond to me shaking you. And you just slept for fourteen solid hours.” “Really?” I lift my head to look at him and discover I drooled in my sleep. A sleep I would like to continue. So I do. For five minutes. “I slept for fourteen hours?! That’s like a coma!” “More like exhaustion. Calm down.” “Did I snore?” Sasuke grins, actually grins. “No, you just drooled.” “Get out of my way, I’m taking a shower.” “Can I join you?” I pause. “Sure.”
It seems like time froze when I went on that mission. The town looks the same. My boyfriend still loves me. Tsunade still drinks a jug of bourbon. “Hi, Naruto.” “Hi.” I sit down across from her. She wanted to meet at her place. Said she was too lazy to do otherwise. I think she probably just had a hangover, and I said I’d wait a few days. A few days later, we’re in her place. “How are you adjusting?” “Not good. Can you teach me a sleep jutsu? Or-wait. Sasuke said I should talk to Jiraiya. I--” “Naruto, what you’re dealing with is more than just lack of sleep and trying to readjust after a mission. It’s not a rite of passage. It’s part of the job, a job you’ll be doing probably for the rest of your life. Your reactions are normal. It’s part of what makes you human. You might have to kill someone again. You might not. Whether in self-defense or not, it’s hard. To make the decision, to do it…I can’t believe no one talked to you about this until now.” She sighs. “Didn’t they cover this at the academy?” “A million ways to do it, but not how to deal with it when it catches up with you.” Tsunade shakes her head at that. “There are things we all have to do, and choices we make…Jiraiya will teach you the jutsu. Talk to me whenever you need.” “Thanks.”
“Hey. Didn’t think I’d find you here. I thought you’d be spying at the bathhouses.” Jiraiya looks up at that and grins. “I’m working on my next-” “I’m sorry I made that remark.” “-and it’s better than all the others!” He talks over me. “Would you like a sneak peek?” “No,” I groan. “Then what brings you here?” “Sasuke said I should talk to you about a sleeping jutsu since you trained me. I got back from a mission a month ago.” Jiraiya nods slowly, serious. “It happens to us all sooner or later. Not a rite of passage.” “More like an occupational hazard,” I mutter as he stands up and walks over to me. He hasn’t changed either.
I think everybody was trying to tell me that I’d learn to somehow cope with all this. I can sleep now. I’ve gone back to snoring. Sasuke still has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, but with his history, that’s to be expected…Our sex life is fine. The town isn’t the same-it changes a little bit every day. Jiraiya still writes his books. Tsunade still drinks bourbon. Sasuke and I spar together still, even though we’ve gotten too comfortable and it’s probably affecting our fighting skills. So things are normal again, I guess. I haven’t gone on any missions. I train little kids now, which everybody thinks is hilarious because we’re at the same maturity level apparently. I stopped yelling at them for it because my throat was getting sore. I like spending time with the kids though, and teaching them. It feels good to carry the learning to the next generation. And I’m teaching them the wonders of ramen! They all get beef ramen if they do well, and chicken ramen if they don’t. It’s important to always have it no matter what. And even in all this, in all these great things in my life, I remember the mission every day. I light candles and recite the mourner’s prayer every night for them. It was an occupational hazard.
Title: Occupational Hazard
Rating: R
Summary: Killing someone is the darkest thing to do, but it's an occupational hazard.
Warnings: Discussion of murder. PSTD.
A/N: I know you said you didn't want too much angst. I thought that there was a fair amount considering the content of this piece.
Mod note: Reminder for the author/artist of this submission, please do not reply to comments signed in, if you want to reply anon commenting is enabled.
It’s nighttime, but it’s always so light at night at this time here. It will be dark soon. It was so dark that night. Sasuke opens the door and hugs me. I don’t want to be touched, but at the same time I need so badly to be held. To be told it didn’t happen and that I’m still a good person. One look at me and he knows. I feel numb. Naruto Uzumaki, needing to be held and feeling numb.
Naruto Uzumaki, murderer.
I wonder when I’ll cry. I feel like crying. That’s normal, right? Will I go through the five stages of grief? But I caused this. I feel horrible. Will Sasuke want to talk about it? I can’t talk about it now. Has Sasuke had to do it? Oh no. It’s not something we talk about. It’s not something anyone talks about. I can’t reach out. At least…because nobody can reach out about it, I know it’s not treated as some-I don’t know-rite of passage. But when you do this job, it’s expected that you know you’ll have to do this. Even at the age of twelve…I’m not twelve. That was a long time ago. I did this for nine years without having to kill someone. But that’s not what happened. I did more than that. And I felt so differently at the time than I feel now.
Sasuke keeps looking over at me as we walk into the bedroom. I won’t be able to sleep. Does he want sex? I won’t be able to…but I’ve been away for months. We’re monogamous. All he’s had is masturbation. I just-I think I’d be okay with blowing him. It’s the least I can do after coming home. We always have sex or do blowjobs or handjobs after one of us comes home from a mission. He’s only hugged me. There was no kissing. Maybe-
We lie down on the bed together, both of us fully clothed. We’re unsure of ourselves suddenly because we both know I’ve changed. And I think we both know how and why. “Naruto.” I turn my head to look at my boyfriend. “Yeah?” “I’m so glad you’re home safe.” “Me too.” “I missed you,” he sighs.
“I missed you so much, Sasuke,” I manage to choke out, ready to bawl. I have to deal with it. “I know-missions can be hard and nobody really talks about them.” Sasuke doesn’t usually talk about emotions. Not his, not anyone’s, not emotion in general. But I think I need this. Sasuke and I are really in tune with each other. “It’s hard to come back, to readjust,” he continues. He goes on more missions than I do. “And I think that-not just for us, but for everybody-sex is the fastest way to sort of-come back to the normal world, to society, and we all tend to do it with friends of partners. Trusted, familiar, they know what it’s like to come home. But sometimes-Naruto-if you need to-I mean-” he exhales heavily. “We don’t have to have sex tonight. We can have it whenever you want it, whenever you’re ready. Or if you want it right now, we can. I just-wanted you to know that.”
My shoulders shake as I sob. He understands. He knows me. And he holds me gently as I try to make sense of it all. “Sex isn’t going to cure anything that happened. Sweet-talk, hand-holding, public displays of affection…don’t help you deal with bloodshed or knowing you have such a dangerous job. Just…anything when you’re ready…” His breath is warm against my ear and neck as he whispers. I take his hand and try to communicate my thanks. He kisses my cheek gently. Darkness has fallen and the town is quiet.
I don’t know why I thought I might be able to sleep tonight, my first night back in society, another night of living with this all. The nightmares don’t even make sense. The sequence of events is off. And Sasuke is in some of these multiple nightmares that are briefly interrupted when I wake up sweating and shaking. How I felt when it all was all happening-the emotions are in the nightmares too. Sasuke wasn’t even there…there’s no way he could know exactly what went on, or have the mental images…but he, too, is a ninja. Ninja means assassin. We’re intelligence agents. We kill people if we have to, to get information. Starting at the age of twelve…
I was twelve when I was put on a team with Sasuke. We’ve known each other since childhood. We’ve always been close, rivals only to disguise that we’re best friends. Everyone knows the story. They don’t know that we had sex the first time a month after becoming boyfriends. We were seventeen. I had gotten him to come back. We started living together. The way our relationship was…sex was inevitable. Dating, romance, affection and all that. Yeah, we got together young and have been together awhile and all that, but our jobs, the culture of this small town that needs people with our jobs so desperately…we never know when we’ll die. It could be tomorrow. It could be fifty years from now. It could be during sex when we’re young or when we’re old and taking a shit. No one ever knows. What matters is that Sasuke and I love each other and are together. And he’s back.
Sasuke has trauma-induced insomnia. I learned to sleep right through it. Now I guess I have it too. It’s to be expected…it’s hell. I try to sleep cuddled by Sasuke, then on my back, then on my front, then cuddling Sasuke, then on top of the blankets, then I add a quilt to the bedspread and burrow deep underneath all the warmth…nothing. Sasuke knows what it’s like. When we first started sleeping in the same bed, I’d get annoyed with his tossing and turning, then getting out of bed, then getting back in. It’s not like that’s when I first noticed his insomnia. No, on missions, he’d toss, turn, walk around quietly, sit and brood, whatever. But that was all done at a relative distance that never really affected me. He never wanted to talk about it. He’d always tell me to shut up and go away. Puzzled, I always would. When we started sharing the same bed, he told me what was up. My annoyance turned into silent worry and I left him alone. Now it’s me-the roles are reversed kind of. When will he ask about it? Will he? Will I just blurt it out? I do that a lot. There’s no way to be prepared for what I did or its aftermath.
Wisps of steam rush upward from a dark blue bowl of what I identify from the smell as beef ramen. Sasuke made it for me. He hates the instant kind and likes to tell me how much salt it has in it. We both agree that home-cooked foods are better than instant. Sasuke’s a good cook, and I always like when he decides to cook for me. I swirl the thin, curly noodles around with my chopsticks. I’m not very hungry. I barely slept last night. It’s been a week since the mission. Last night was my first night home. Sasuke cooked for me…I never turn down his cooking. Ever. Then again, I generally don’t turn down food. But-things are different now. “Hey.” I look up at the sound of his voice. “Don’t feel like you have to eat it. Coming home from a tough mission-”
“No, no. I’m just-I have attention issues, as we both know.” I grin. I gulp the ramen down to avoid more questions and to distract myself from the look he’s giving me. “That was good. Thanks for cooking it for me.”
“You’re welcome.” He’s a serious guy, but I feel like he’s being more so than usual. He’s trying to figure out, I deduce (haha…fancy word I learned from him) what happened without asking.
I heard somewhere that time does not heal all wounds, but everyone will reach a point where they can get through the day, the week, the month, the year. Does time heal trauma? Can a ninja be traumatized by their own work? What am I supposed to do? I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have nightmares. They said I did great and I won’t have to go on another mission for awhile. I have even more respect now and have moved up a rank.
He’s turned away from me slightly. In the fading twilight streaming through the window, I can see he’s relaxed as he takes off his shirt. And another indicator that I’m slowly returning to society happens. We haven’t had sex since the night before I left for the mission. Sasuke’s been waiting patiently, calmly, for me to initiate it. I think he knows. And I want him now, simply from seeing him take off his shirt, then continue down to his boxers. “Sasuke.”
“Yeah?” He turns slightly. “Stay-like that.” I walk to him and place a hand on his chest. He has scars from stab wounds and stuff. Battle and training. And accidents during occasional bouts of rough sex. So do I. Most of his scars are on his chest and back. Most of mine are on my arms and oddly, my calves. Strange place to aim for. I’m so aware-of the…physicality-of my body. I run my hand down and across his chest, feeling the scars under my palm despite the calluses. I hold his hand with my other and entwine our fingers. He smiles gently. Sometimes he does that. A friend of ours, can’t remember who, once asked Sasuke jokingly if it would kill him to grin. He said he might try grinning sometime.
We lean in slowly at the same time and kiss gently. Trite, but comforting somehow. And we kiss a lot during sex. Sometimes we laugh. But now, we just kiss gently. His lips are always smooth. Sasuke doesn’t bite his lips. I bite mine. Weird habit. I think he likes the texture, considering what he does all the time. That sounds more suggestive than it actually is. I deepen the kiss slowly. My eyes are closed, as are his. I remember when we first started kissing, I opened my eyes a lot to learn whether his eyes were closed. They always were. Still are. He’s-this is different. He’s waiting for permission. I give it to him.
His hands rest on my shoulder blades as I pull him closer to me. We press against each other. He puts his tongue in my mouth. Oh, I need this. Talk about a base physical need…My breath is shallow and rapid as I kiss him. More like shove my tongue down his throat and grind against him. He breathes the same way, sort of-whispering. He’d be moaning if I pulled away to…say…latch onto his neck. Good idea. I kiss his neck gently a few times. He buries his fingers in my hair…and presses down slightly as I start sucking, then biting gently. His body tenses and he groans as I communicate with my actions that I’m going to give him the biggest, darkest love bite I can manage. It’ll still be visible in a month. He cries out and grinds against me. My eyes are closed. He smells so good. He whines and pants alternately. Sasuke’s body jerks and I stop completely. Sasuke glares me, breathing hard. Tendrils of long black hair fall over his chest from where they had rested on his shoulder. “I don’t want you coming early.” My voice is deeper than usual, a bit of evidence that my entire body is aching with lust. “Fuck you,” my boyfriend growls. “Well, maybe if we switch positions during sex,” I chirp. He looks ready to shove me down, strip me and fuck me into next week. I quickly shed my clothes and grab the bottle of lubricant from the nightstand.
We stopped using condoms a few months ago. We don’t plan to cheat, we’re monogamous and have no sexually transmitted diseases. We’ll deal with any consequences together. Right now, things are fine. I toss the lubricant on the bed. It lands on the pillow. I push Sasuke down onto the bed. He tries to flip me over. I win and gloat, then take off his boxers. He stops swearing as I stroke his left inner thigh. I straddle him and reach slightly over his head for the lubricant. I hover slightly above him and open the container. We’re both so turned on that if I lowered myself that our hips touched, even gently, we’d both come. I squeeze some lubricant on my fingers and reach down. Out of nervousness, I repeat the process a couple of times. Still not entirely used to not using a condom…it feels different. We just need to do it more often (har har).
Sasuke tenses as I enter him slowly. Tight. Most. A weird sensation (see, still not used to it), but okay overall. I prefer to go slow and gentle when I’m on top. This always frustrates Sasuke, especially now. He speeds things up and I don’t mind. I reach down and masturbate him. We’re both sweating and breathing hard, both moving fast and forcefully. ‘Welcome back to society’ sex is awesome. A slight downside is that we tend to come faster. My body tenses, then my hips buck uncontrollably as I come. As I slowly pull out, Sasuke comes and shouts, “Fuck!” loud enough for the entire damn town to hear. I crawl off him and cuddle up to him, then kiss him. He drapes an arm around me. We stay like this-relaxed, calm, with the type of drowsiness a great orgasm brings-until we both fall asleep.
I sleep deeply, but only for a few hours. No nightmares, no dreams, just waking up again. I’ve had maybe forty-eight hours of sleep in the month that I’ve been home. Damn. Sasuke gets out of bed after me. “Didn’t mean to wake you up,” I mutter guiltily. “You didn’t.” “Okay.” I believe him, but only sort of. “I can make tea if you want,” I offer after a silence. Sasuke nods. And it’s over a small cup of boiling hot green tea that I’m able to talk about what happened a month ago. “I went on a mission…I mean yeah, just came back from it and I uh…we were contracted to uh-I didn’t want to do it. It was self-defense! But he had a family. They saw. They were so-I just-they had some training and-it just happened. I’m so sorry.” Sasuke finished his tea. I’m not psychic or anything, he lifted the cup to his mouth and it had tea, then when he set it down it was empty. “This is where I’m supposed to say something comforting,” he says slowly. “I suck at the emotional talking. I had to do it too, Naruto. It’s-I hate to say it this way, but it’s a rite of passage…ninja means assassin. I understand…and…Tsunade is good to talk to about it. You’ll get to a point where-you’re not over it, but-you’re okay enough with it.” And I understand. We’re both crying. “She might teach you-or talk to Jiraiya about it since he trained you-you can use a jutsu to help you sleep. I sometimes use one.” I never noticed. Probably because before this, I slept really well. Sasuke says I snore. Or I used to. I want to sleep again, and be able to deal with this.
“Hey, you going to finish that?” My boyfriend who-understand this-I thought he’d be really affected by it considering his history, he points to the half-full teacup. “Uh, yeah.” And I do. A few minutes later: “You coming to bed?” I don’t respond, just shuffle out of the kitchen and into the bedroom. I’m so tired. He cuddles against me like nothing happened. And maybe-maybe-I don’t know. I’ll talk to Tsunade tomorrow. Sasuke’s calmness seems surreal. I feel weird. Uncomfortable. But I do finally sleep.
I wake up when he kicks me. I shout something that’s not a word in any language I know of as I try to make sense of my environment. I’m in bed. What time is it? “Good. You’re awake.” “Damn it, Sasuke.” “You wouldn’t respond to me shaking you. And you just slept for fourteen solid hours.” “Really?” I lift my head to look at him and discover I drooled in my sleep. A sleep I would like to continue. So I do. For five minutes. “I slept for fourteen hours?! That’s like a coma!” “More like exhaustion. Calm down.” “Did I snore?” Sasuke grins, actually grins. “No, you just drooled.” “Get out of my way, I’m taking a shower.” “Can I join you?” I pause. “Sure.”
It seems like time froze when I went on that mission. The town looks the same. My boyfriend still loves me. Tsunade still drinks a jug of bourbon. “Hi, Naruto.” “Hi.” I sit down across from her. She wanted to meet at her place. Said she was too lazy to do otherwise. I think she probably just had a hangover, and I said I’d wait a few days. A few days later, we’re in her place. “How are you adjusting?” “Not good. Can you teach me a sleep jutsu? Or-wait. Sasuke said I should talk to Jiraiya. I--” “Naruto, what you’re dealing with is more than just lack of sleep and trying to readjust after a mission. It’s not a rite of passage. It’s part of the job, a job you’ll be doing probably for the rest of your life. Your reactions are normal. It’s part of what makes you human. You might have to kill someone again. You might not. Whether in self-defense or not, it’s hard. To make the decision, to do it…I can’t believe no one talked to you about this until now.” She sighs. “Didn’t they cover this at the academy?” “A million ways to do it, but not how to deal with it when it catches up with you.” Tsunade shakes her head at that. “There are things we all have to do, and choices we make…Jiraiya will teach you the jutsu. Talk to me whenever you need.” “Thanks.”
“Hey. Didn’t think I’d find you here. I thought you’d be spying at the bathhouses.” Jiraiya looks up at that and grins. “I’m working on my next-” “I’m sorry I made that remark.” “-and it’s better than all the others!” He talks over me. “Would you like a sneak peek?” “No,” I groan. “Then what brings you here?” “Sasuke said I should talk to you about a sleeping jutsu since you trained me. I got back from a mission a month ago.” Jiraiya nods slowly, serious. “It happens to us all sooner or later. Not a rite of passage.” “More like an occupational hazard,” I mutter as he stands up and walks over to me. He hasn’t changed either.
I think everybody was trying to tell me that I’d learn to somehow cope with all this. I can sleep now. I’ve gone back to snoring. Sasuke still has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, but with his history, that’s to be expected…Our sex life is fine. The town isn’t the same-it changes a little bit every day. Jiraiya still writes his books. Tsunade still drinks bourbon. Sasuke and I spar together still, even though we’ve gotten too comfortable and it’s probably affecting our fighting skills. So things are normal again, I guess. I haven’t gone on any missions. I train little kids now, which everybody thinks is hilarious because we’re at the same maturity level apparently. I stopped yelling at them for it because my throat was getting sore. I like spending time with the kids though, and teaching them. It feels good to carry the learning to the next generation. And I’m teaching them the wonders of ramen! They all get beef ramen if they do well, and chicken ramen if they don’t. It’s important to always have it no matter what. And even in all this, in all these great things in my life, I remember the mission every day. I light candles and recite the mourner’s prayer every night for them. It was an occupational hazard.