Dad
I just got home from picking up my dad and stepmother, Deanna, from the airport. Once we reached their house and got their luggage inside, I had a cup of coffee and stayed for a little while. I had a feeling my dad wanted me there, if only to talk about his trip to Arizona. I haven't had much of a relationship with him since he started dating Deanna. In fact, for a very long time, I blamed myself. I realize now how misplaced that was, but there was a whole course of events that contributed to it. I still fault myself for not being closer to him even though he is my father and it will never stop being his responsibility to keep in touch with his children, regardless of the fact that we're all grown. I've been hesitant to condemn him for anything, though, ever since he got sick. He got diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a cancer of the plasma cells, in 2008. He is in remission now due to undergoing radiation and maintenance therapy, but I know the disease is taking a huge toll on him. He's tired and in near-constant pain. The steroids and other medicines he has to take everyday affect him both physically and mentally. I know that if I were to actually process this for what it is, I would be that fifteen year-old all over again - the one whose father would cry on her shoulder after his wife (my mom) left him. He was so destroyed and powerless, much like how I imagine he might feel now sometimes. Yet I am still so removed from it. I don't want to admit to myself that he is sick. And that makes me feel like such a fucking selfish person. I am resentful towards him for the way he treated my siblings and me when Deanna came along, but I resent myself even more for holding on to the anger and sadness, clinging to it like some kind of safety blanket - somehow these negative emotions provided me with a convenient excuse to remain distant. Without them, I am left to deal with the fact that my dad has cancer, and it scares the shit out of me. As long as I can keep letting my emotional wounds fester, reality can't harm me. I know this isn't healthy or logical, and I want to change, but I'm just not ready.
I'm two months into the fall semester and have high A's in all three of my classes, which is really the only thing that prevents me from feeling like an utter loser. I've still been looking for a decent part-time job to replace my current full-time one, but thus far it's been a fruitless effort, not to mention humbling. I had no idea that it would be so difficult. It has prompted me to reevaluate my skill set, which in turn delivered a very uncomfortable truth - even though I have worked everyday since I was sixteen, I'm not marketable. Supposedly once I have my Bachelor's degree, I will have many more options - but what if I don't? Just the possibility alone is enough to burn a hole in my stomach.
I should probably finish my cup of Candy Cane Lane tea and then work out for a bit before we head to Canton for Richard's calling hours.
I'm two months into the fall semester and have high A's in all three of my classes, which is really the only thing that prevents me from feeling like an utter loser. I've still been looking for a decent part-time job to replace my current full-time one, but thus far it's been a fruitless effort, not to mention humbling. I had no idea that it would be so difficult. It has prompted me to reevaluate my skill set, which in turn delivered a very uncomfortable truth - even though I have worked everyday since I was sixteen, I'm not marketable. Supposedly once I have my Bachelor's degree, I will have many more options - but what if I don't? Just the possibility alone is enough to burn a hole in my stomach.
I should probably finish my cup of Candy Cane Lane tea and then work out for a bit before we head to Canton for Richard's calling hours.