Red
Thursday marked the end of the spring semester. I came away with all A's again, but this is getting tough. However, I did become rejuvenated when I learned that I received an academic scholarship through the university. It isn't much, but every little bit helps. I have taken out so much in student loans already, and I'm only halfway through my degree. At least I have a month off until I start my summer math class, with a wedding and possibly a vacation to follow.
In order to prevent myself from becoming overwhelmed, I've tried to keep my focus on short-term goals, though I always feel this internal push to look as far into the future as I can; an unfortunate side effect is the inevitable panic that comes with any hypothetical: What if I don't get into graduate school? What if I get into a Master's program but end up quitting or failing? What if I have just been deluding myself (and others) all this time about how capable I am? It's become increasingly difficult for me to feel optimistic about anything. I have so much drive but I don't know how to apply it to my life, as I am so terrified that it will all be for naught. I fear mediocrity. I don't want to be left holding my diploma and get a dull clerical job somewhere - I already have that. I want to do something amazing with my life, but I feel so stymied by my own preoccupations and anxieties. Sean has told me on many occasions that I don't believe in myself. I know he's right, but insecurity has been my default mode for almost thirty-two years now. I can't just fake self-assuredness.
I hope to catch up on some reading today, even if it's just a few pages. I started "The Importance of Being Earnest" by Oscar Wilde a couple weeks ago and I can't wait to get back into it, but right now I must fetch my laundry and pay a few bills.
In order to prevent myself from becoming overwhelmed, I've tried to keep my focus on short-term goals, though I always feel this internal push to look as far into the future as I can; an unfortunate side effect is the inevitable panic that comes with any hypothetical: What if I don't get into graduate school? What if I get into a Master's program but end up quitting or failing? What if I have just been deluding myself (and others) all this time about how capable I am? It's become increasingly difficult for me to feel optimistic about anything. I have so much drive but I don't know how to apply it to my life, as I am so terrified that it will all be for naught. I fear mediocrity. I don't want to be left holding my diploma and get a dull clerical job somewhere - I already have that. I want to do something amazing with my life, but I feel so stymied by my own preoccupations and anxieties. Sean has told me on many occasions that I don't believe in myself. I know he's right, but insecurity has been my default mode for almost thirty-two years now. I can't just fake self-assuredness.
I hope to catch up on some reading today, even if it's just a few pages. I started "The Importance of Being Earnest" by Oscar Wilde a couple weeks ago and I can't wait to get back into it, but right now I must fetch my laundry and pay a few bills.